An Epic Struggle for Love.. Then Heartbreak.

[daisydo]

This is my first post but I am a long time lurker. I am happy to finally fill out some account information and select an avatar and join the rank and file of LS! I know that by telling everyone here of my story I will get to hear some great advice.. and maybe my story will help some others out there as well.

 

It has been approximately a month and a half since the break up. We met two years ago through friends and fell in love instantly. This proved to be very difficult because we lived in different sectors of the country at that time. We talked on the phone constantly but in the end it was too difficult and our feelings were too great to continue. Fast forward 5 months and I had moved across the country and was trying to forget about him and move on with my life and live some new experiences.

 

A few weeks after I moved, he heard about it and drove 5 hours to see me. I was dating someone at the time but several weeks later we were talking on the phone again. A month later he moved up there and we were tripping on some serious hardcore love.

 

That went on for a little over a year. We moved in together and about 5 months ago things began to go downhill. Our schedules began to clash and we hardly saw each other. My own insecurities began to build up and I treaded on such thin ice because I was so scared of losing him. We loved each other fiercely and we fought fiercely. One night things go out of control and he broke up with me. I immediately moved out and quit my job in a fit of heartache induced dementia.

 

After I had gathered most of my belongings from the apartment I told him that I was leaving the state and returning to my home state. We reconciled briefly and were intimate but I was firm on leaving. So two weeks after the breakup I left the state and moved back where I came from originally.

 

I engaged in NC as much as possible. Recently though he has been begging for me to return. He says he will do anything I want - that he can't live without me.. Keep in mind it has only been a month and half since we broke up. My heart is aching and my mind is reeling. I do not know what to do. He has many issues he needs to address and I need to focus on myself for once in my life.

 

He says it feels as if years have passed by in these few weeks so I am wondering if this is enough to set forth the wheels of change. I am just not sure. Since our breakup he has had a major falling out with his family and is engaging in NC with them! I feel terrible because I do not want to see his life fall apart. I just do not know if this is the right step. I know he needs to get his life together on his own and so do I.. but I just don't want him to have to suffer so much, I want to comfort him. But I know that I need some attention myself as well.

 

Sorry this is so long - please any advice would be so helpful. And if you have any questions about the situation I will reply as quickly as I can.

 

Thanks!

DaisyDo

[dropdeadlegs]

daisydo, that was a well thought out post.

 

It seems to me that there is some missing info. i like your wording, but feel there is so much more to the story. He loved you, you loved him (instant chemistry.) You moved, he moved. Hardcore love ensued. What caused the schedule problem? Work? And insecurities, why? Thin ice, why? Suddenly quitting your job and moving home, why? Firm on going "home", why?

 

I feel that there is so much more to your story. The details that have been left out make it hard to respond.

 

If you need to focus on yourself I understand, But if the relationship is important, maybe I don't understand.

[Rooster_DAR]

You both have not truly been dating, it's been all long distance and emotional connection. Sounds to me like things were rushed, and you both don't really know eachother well enough, at least from a living together standpoint. That's what I'm gathering from the little info here.

 

Cheers!

[daisydo]

Sorry I didn't want to make my post incredibly long.. I wanted people to get the general idea and then get into details later. So here we go.

 

We lived together for about a year. We do know each other very well and we did initially spend a ridiculous amount of time together. Things started to go sour when he changed jobs and started working over the weekends and nights. I had a typical 9-5 work schedule so I felt as if I hardly saw him. After work, he would often hang out with his coworkers until very late at night. Often he would be drinking and I began to wonder if he was developing a drinking problem. This made me feel uncomfortable but I didn't want to control his behavior and be demanding of him.

 

Also I felt like he criticized me excessively at times. He felt like he was trying to motivate me to do everything I am capable of doing but I just felt attacked. When we fought - things could turn very ugly with nasty insults hurling back and forth. He is a person who is unwilling to compromise on issues. He is steadfast on his behavior, his friends, career, etc. I respect that a great deal but at the same time it made it hard to get all of my needs addressed.

 

I felt generally neglected in the relationship but I was scared to voice any concern because I didn't want to sound needy. The night of the break up it all exploded out of me in a hellish fit of rage. We both started in on a terrible screaming match and then the relationship was over.

 

Those are all the negative points.. on the plus side I could really go on and on. Intelligence, humor, good looks, creativity. The whole package.

 

The rest of the story is in the original post.

[dropdeadlegs]

We aren't all very good with math and calendars. It might be better to post with the actual month/year than the fast forwarding/5 months ago kind of thing.

 

But I think I understood! (of course I could be wrong.)

[daisydo]

daisydo, that was a well thought out post.

 

It seems to me that there is some missing info. i like your wording, but feel there is so much more to the story. He loved you, you loved him (instant chemistry.) You moved, he moved. Hardcore love ensued. What caused the schedule problem? Work? And insecurities, why? Thin ice, why? Suddenly quitting your job and moving home, why? Firm on going "home", why?

 

I feel that there is so much more to your story. The details that have been left out make it hard to respond.

 

If you need to focus on yourself I understand, But if the relationship is important, maybe I don't understand.

 

 

I do need to focus on myself. That is why I was firm on moving back home. I guess I had invested so much time and effort into the relationship that after it ended (what I could only assume was for good) I felt I only had the choice to pack up and leave.

 

This was also the result of much persuasion from my family who probably just missed me and wanted me to come home.

 

The relationship is important to me. He is important to me and I am really worried about him right now. But I am also worried about myself - and I know I do need to work on myself and my career.

 

Going back is always an option. I have so many good friends up there and a job waiting for me if I needed it. Plus the ex has said if I come back I don't have to work - he will take care of all the bills. He is trying to entice me to come back any way that he can.

 

I could also stay here and get a job and see if in a year or so things are different. If he really does love me this much - we could get back together.

 

I feel so confused right now. He just sent me a text saying how much he loves me. I just don't know if I can go back now.

[daisydo]

We aren't all very good with math and calendars. It might be better to post with the actual month/year than the fast forwarding/5 months ago kind of thing.

 

But I think I understood! (of course I could be wrong.)

 

I'm sorry!

 

Actual dates:

 

We met: March 2005 (Fell in love, spoke on the phone for a few months)

We rekindled and officially began our relationship: August 2005

Moved in together: January 2006

Broke up: December 2006

[dropdeadlegs]

Hmmm...I'm putting the additional info together with the original post. I'm slow because I have interruptions from homework, but I'm working on it!

 

Be back soon! When I can organize thoughts (and I type horribly.(

[dropdeadlegs]

May I ask your age? You sound very knowledgeable about your wants/needs and expectations and I initially assumed a young age.

 

Young or not, I think you are very together! Maybe more so than I! But I'm still being interrupted by my so loved children. It's almost bedtime and I will be able to concentrate with my full mind (as messed up as it is.)

 

Don't mean to discount myself, but I'm honest to a fault.

[daisydo]

I am 24 and thank you.

 

Ex is the same age if it matters.

[dropdeadlegs]

Kids are finally in bed.

 

For 24 you are amazingly astute in my opinion. Amazingly grown up. You moved far away from family and friends And you managed to survive. That in itself is worthy of applause.

 

Based on all of the additional posts (sorry to have asked for so much personal information) I still feel that you did exactly the right things. You stated that your needs were not being met and you did something about it. I'm still trying hard not to be awed!

 

As for his pain/hurting well, he didn't come straight home after work knowing you were there waiting . That is one thing for a single man, but a single man in a relationship is a totally different story. He could have curtailed that type of activity to once a week and still experienced the bonding among coworkers without leaving you in the lurch. I assume that the lack of time together was addressed when it occurred.

 

You were most generous in accepting behaviors that were unacceptable to you and he did not appreciate that generosity. I guaranty he would not have had that luxury with just any girl. In short, he didn't appreciate what he had.

 

But now he does, and you are miles away. That is regrettable, but he made his choice.

 

I think you did what you had to do for you, and he may have been developing a drinking problem as well (hard for me to determine, but you aren't a dummy.)

 

You feel bad for him because you are compassionate. I am as well and wouldn't change that. You will get lots of opinions, but I would suggest compassion with restrictions. He knows why you left, so he knows what changes are needed to reconcile. Distance is a problem, yes. I would think long and hard ,and see the changes required from afar, before moving back his way.

 

You are so together! You know him, you know your needs, you know what is needed to reconcile.

[daisydo]

Thanks, Dropdeadlegs. I really don't feel all that together.

 

I agree with what you said. I think reserved compassion sounds like a good plan for now. I am currently looking for a job.. well not just a job but the start to a real career so I need to focus on that.

 

It is just so hard though because I want to be with this man so much. The last time we spoke on the phone it was for over three hours. I don't think I could have done that with just anyone!

 

I know that he is special but I am special too. So I think that I can still keep him in my life but keep him at a relative distance.

 

Now if only you guys could dole out some equally great advice about my career! I should go over to that side of the forums soon.

 

-DaisyDo

[dropdeadlegs]

Thanks, Dropdeadlegs. I really don't feel all that together.

 

I agree with what you said. I think reserved compassion sounds like a good plan for now. I am currently looking for a job.. well not just a job but the start to a real career so I need to focus on that.

 

It is just so hard though because I want to be with this man so much. The last time we spoke on the phone it was for over three hours. I don't think I could have done that with just anyone!

 

I know that he is special but I am special too. So I think that I can still keep him in my life but keep him at a relative distance.

 

Now if only you guys could dole out some equally great advice about my career! I should go over to that side of the forums soon.

 

-DaisyDo

I'm having a bad day, LS wise, but stick around. You ARE very together and will see that.

 

I wouldn't suggest deleting him from your life precisely because you are/have been handling the break up quite well (in my opinion) and seem healthy enough to know what your needs are. People can change, especially when given a reason to. You can be with someone who wants to be with you on your own terms, because frankly, I think your terms are reasonable. He moved "there" and based simply on the nights and weekends aspect of his work, he can move again if you are important to him. And you want him to, of course.

 

Play it by ear, I trust you to make good decisions for yourself.

 

I needed to meet up with a sane, healthy person on this forum today. Thank you for making me see some sanity because the past few days have been "weird." I mean weird here.

[D-Lish]

It's always the best course of action to look after yourself first... Be it career or something else.

 

Far too often we base our love of ourselves on being loved by another person. But that doesn't make us who we are.

 

You felt neglected when you lived together- will that situation with his work change? I think that if you felt that he could change, that you would have gone back to him... the fact that you haven't as of yet says a lot.

 

Loving someone is one thing, compromising is quite another.

Is he willing to compromise? Is he capable of it?

 

Those are the questions you should be (and obviously are) asking yourself.

 

Can't deny that the two of you are embroiled in a passionate enmeshment though- that seems obvious from your fierce fights with one another. Is learning how to fight "better" something you could see happening?

 

A lot of things to work out it sounds like...

D

[daisydo]

It's always the best course of action to look after yourself first... Be it career or something else.

 

Far too often we base our love of ourselves on being loved by another person. But that doesn't make us who we are.

 

You felt neglected when you lived together- will that situation with his work change? I think that if you felt that he could change, that you would have gone back to him... the fact that you haven't as of yet says a lot.

 

Loving someone is one thing, compromising is quite another.

Is he willing to compromise? Is he capable of it?

 

Those are the questions you should be (and obviously are) asking yourself.

 

Can't deny that the two of you are embroiled in a passionate enmeshment though- that seems obvious from your fierce fights with one another. Is learning how to fight "better" something you could see happening?

 

A lot of things to work out it sounds like...

D

 

He says he will do anything - whatever it takes. So I guess that means he is open to changing his behaviors. But it has only been a month and a half so I don't know if he is just lonely or desperate or whether these things are coming from a legitimate place.

 

I think the mere fact that he broke down all of his ego-sustained walls and begged for me to come back was enough for the winds of change to begin to blow. But I also think it may be too soon to tell.

 

Time for myself is definitely needed. And I am glad I moved far away - because I honestly don't think I would have the same willpower if I was in his vicinity. I would be back in his arms right now if I had stayed there.

 

I think I also moved away because I really want this relationship to work. I want some substantial change with both parties involved and that is the only way I can see it happening.

 

I know that I am clinging to hope but if we both want the relationship to work out in the end and we both love each other - I don't really see what is stopping us in the long run. But time and reflection is definitely needed.

 

Thank you for the advice D! I have read many of your posts and admire your frank and sincere attitude.

 

-DaisyDo

[D-Lish]

He says he will do anything - whatever it takes. So I guess that means he is open to changing his behaviors. But it has only been a month and a half so I don't know if he is just lonely or desperate or whether these things are coming from a legitimate place.

 

I think the mere fact that he broke down all of his ego-sustained walls and begged for me to come back was enough for the winds of change to begin to blow. But I also think it may be too soon to tell.

 

Time for myself is definitely needed. And I am glad I moved far away - because I honestly don't think I would have the same willpower if I was in his vicinity. I would be back in his arms right now if I had stayed there.

 

I think I also moved away because I really want this relationship to work. I want some substantial change with both parties involved and that is the only way I can see it happening.

 

I know that I am clinging to hope but if we both want the relationship to work out in the end and we both love each other - I don't really see what is stopping us in the long run. But time and reflection is definitely needed.

 

Thank you for the advice D! I have read many of your posts and admire your frank and sincere attitude.

 

-DaisyDo

 

Well, it certainly sounds like you have your head screwed on straight. It's very hard to love someone, yet be rational in regards to your choices.

 

Taking time out to reflect and work on what you need to do sounds like a great course of action. It will only make you a better partner in the future- whether it's with him or with someone else.

 

Sounds like you love this guy- and it's clear he loves you too. Changes don't happen overnight though. It's important to be fulfilled when in a relationship- and that means a whole lot more than being in love. Two people can love one another and not be right for one another, it happens all the time. Love and compatibility don't always go hand in hand.

 

The problem with your situation is that you'd need to see the changes in action- and you don't have the option of just dating... if you move back you'd probably move in together again right? SO, it sounds like it's all or nothing. That's risky for you to make that move again. You're doing the right thing by taking some time.

 

It's clear neither of you are giving up- and it doesn't sound like you should.

 

Best of luck!

D