InaPanics update

[InaPanic]

Hello everyone. I know it's been awhile since i've been here on a regular basis. I came here often & had this place & people to come to when i needed to vent & talk & get advice. I thank each & every one of you.

 

It's been a few months now since i confessed of the affair. Seems we are doing ok. Doing the best we can with the circumstances I have put us in. It doesn't come up much anymore. Hardly at all. I'm not sure if this is bad; if it means we are both just burying our heads in the sand. Sometimes that's exactly how it feels. He has made a couple of hurtful comments but i know i deserve them. I also know that he's made maybe 4 or 5 hurtful comments in probably 2 months. I could be with someone who throws it up in my face every day. So again, i feel lucky to have this person & have him still treat me with the greatest of respect.

 

I stopped going to my therapist. I just wasn't getting a good vibe with this person. I know without a doubt i still need to see someone. I don't feel any closer to an answer as to why I did what i did than I was back in the summer. But i was paying a cut-rate price & I think i was getting a cut-rate therapist. I really want to work thru this on my own. I want to wake up one morning with a revelation as to what is wrong with me & have answers for the two of us. But i know that probably won't happen.

 

Our relationship is so different in my eyes now. I cannot speak for him obviously but I have no doubt it's very different for him too. This person was my best friend, I was so comfortable around him. Now it's not so much. I'm sure he's equally if not more so uncomfortable around me. Sex is hard. I cannot say i've enjoyed sex since i confessed. It's something i do for him & try to do it as freely & as often as i can for him but as it's happening i cannot wait for it to be over. I don't even want him looking at me during sex. All i do is think he's imagining me with someone else. Our sex life wasn't earth shattering before this but it certainly wasn't like this. I enjoyed it more often than not. I think this is something i need to figure out & fast. I haven't mentioned it to him AT ALL because i'm afraid it will come across as an insult to him. How could it not? I don't think it has anything to do with him or his ability to please me. On the contrary, it's just i think i relate sex to affair to betrayal to me being horrible.

 

I still think of OM, somedays more than I wish i would. I have come to the conclusion that it wasn't love but a fantasy that felt like love. And that if i'd been single/divorced & had this same relationship it wouldnt' have had nearly the affect it has on me. But because of the betrayal & because this man was the first man other than my husband i'd been with for 18 years then it's had a profound affect on me. I try to tell myself time will heal this wound & hope it does.

 

I wish i could give more of a positive update. It's not really a bad one but more of one that feels like we're kind of frozen in time. I hope we are moving forward together & that perhaps it's just such slow baby steps that on a day to day basis it's hard to see any progress. But there are days when it feels like life for either of us is never ever going to be the same again.

 

To live with the knowledge that i've not only done this to my life, but more importantly done this to his; someone completely innocent.....well, it's hard to take sometimes. I'm ok during the day because i keep myself busy. But i never sleep anymore it seems. Once the tv goes off & the lights are out & i'm alone with my thoughts it's just not good. My mind races.

 

Day by day is all we can do & hope for the best.

[Sup]

Do you go to a church? See about getting counseling from a church.

[whichwayisup]

You two really need to talk, marriage counselling and each of you go to individual counselling. Sorry that other therapist didn't work out, but if you didn't feel the bond and trust with the T, you made the right choice by stopping.

 

Great idea by Sup - Look into that!

 

Hang in there and I hope that things get better with time.

[vocalstudent86]

It sounds like you are taking a good approach to this, the best you can in this situation. The truth always comes out and by confessing you put yourself closer to getting to a point where things will be ok. Things may not ever be "the same" but in time things will come together as long as you still have the great outlook you do now. By accepting responsibility and wanting to move forward you are on the right track. As far as therapists, i think you do get what you pay for, it took me a couple to get it right and for some people a "therapist" isn't neccessarily as effective as talking things out with family or friends.

[InaPanic]

I am lucky that....well, i'm lucky for many, many things but one is that i have had some very good friends thru this. A couple in particular have been there for me & been totally supportive & nonjudgemental during this. They have helped.

 

I've never been a particularly religious person. But about a year prior to this i did start going to church. I think even then i felt an emptiness that maybe i was trying to fill. Anyway, i started this church. While i was in the thickest of the breakdown during the summer I attempted numerous times to confer with the priest. I was basically ignored every time. I felt very let down by this & I'm afraid due to the treatment i received, or the lack of treatment i received, it has turned me off the church path & I haven't actually stepped foot in there since late july. Also partly due to the fact i feel like walking evil most of the time & going into a church just doesnt' seem that appealing. So..no, i really don't have any church to go to.

[what2donow]

IAP - yours was the first story I read when I discovered LS. Your situation was very similar to mine and you were about one month ahead of me in everything. I too told my husband about it and am trying to make sense of everything. We've been married 17 years and in all that time, I never thought an EA would be something I would engage in. But, last summer, it happend!

 

I've been to IC and MC (no longer) and I don't think I can honestly say that I know the reason why I let things happen. I do think part of it, as I've learned through other posts here, is that it became a drug of sorts for me.. liked the attention from another man, etc. However, I have learned that I "checked out" emotionally from the marriage years ago simply because I got tired of asking H to spend quality time with me. He says that last few years have been the best because I haven't been complaining

 

Even though I walked away from the OM, I do still miss him sometimes, like you, more some days than others. I am trying to regain my feelings for my H, but so far, no luck. I bought the book Divorce Busters and there were several things in it that I hope my husband understands. He's been at a hotel for the past week, comes home tomorrow, and he took the book with him. I'm hoping this helps to give us a fresh start or something.

 

Sorry to go on about me. Maybe the reason for your affair isn't just one mind-blowing thing. I kept thinking that surely there was something major wrong with me, the marriage, or something that would have let me go down this path. But, maybe the important thing to figure out isn't why it happened but what to do about it. I have not talked to my priest about it other than to go to confession (anonomously of course!), but I know that once I began to forgive myself, I felt better. I think maybe you haven't forgiven yourself for being human and making a mistake. It wasn't until I could do that, that I could really begin thinking of my H and marriage. Please don't let yourself think that you are totally evil. As bad as affairs are, there are worse things a person can do. And you did end it. You did walk away. You are trying to make things right. It's not the mistakes a person makes that determines their character, but what they do afterwards.

 

Anyway, just wanted to thank you for sharing your story as it really helped me during those first few horrible weeks. I wish you the best of luck.

[Sup]

I am lucky that....well, i'm lucky for many, many things but one is that i have had some very good friends thru this. A couple in particular have been there for me & been totally supportive & nonjudgemental during this. They have helped.

 

I've never been a particularly religious person. But about a year prior to this i did start going to church. I think even then i felt an emptiness that maybe i was trying to fill. Anyway, i started this church. While i was in the thickest of the breakdown during the summer I attempted numerous times to confer with the priest. I was basically ignored every time. I felt very let down by this & I'm afraid due to the treatment i received, or the lack of treatment i received, it has turned me off the church path & I haven't actually stepped foot in there since late july. Also partly due to the fact i feel like walking evil most of the time & going into a church just doesnt' seem that appealing. So..no, i really don't have any church to go to.

 

 

If people at THAT church didn't help you, then go to another church, and another, until you find help for both you and your husband. Several other churches ARE out there.......

[Capatinacen]

You two really need to talk, marriage counselling and each of you go to individual counselling. Sorry that other therapist didn't work out, but if you didn't feel the bond and trust with the T, you made the right choice by stopping.

 

Good advice.

[Guest]

Don't ever think you are evil because you made a mistake!! You're human. We do stupid things and we do wonderful things. That's life.

 

Remember this: if you can't forgive yourself then you can't expect him to forgive you. If you can't forgive yourself you will never be able to move on and get your marriage back. Same goes for the sex.

 

Obviously the marriage was missing something or the eye wouldn't have wondered. Figuring out what it was/is is a good place to start.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...It's been a few months now since i confessed of the affair. Seems we are doing ok. Doing the best we can with the circumstances I have put us in. It doesn't come up much anymore. Hardly at all.

 

Just because it doesn't come up doesn't mean your H isn't tormented by it. Everyday. I know I would be. I'm often silent about things that bother me. I have learned not to tell my wife what is bothering me because I can't win that battle.

 

I'm not sure if this is bad; if it means we are both just burying our heads in the sand.

Dollars to donuts... that's it.

 

..... He has made a couple of hurtful comments but i know i deserve them.

You deserve more than hurtful comments and you know it.

 

If your husband, down the road, decides to have his own affair, because you did, and he doesn't want to go to his grave passing up a golden opportunity --- how will you react? Accept it? Kick him to the curb immediately? Give him the understanding you want from him now? Do you think he has any less human feelings than you? That he might not desire another just as you did?

 

Our relationship is so different in my eyes now. I cannot speak for him obviously but I have no doubt it's very different for him too. This person was my best friend, I was so comfortable around him.

"This person"? You mean your husband or your lover? Your husband was your best friend, but not your best lover? Is that what you mean? This person? You can't even call him husband now? Why did you write it like that?

 

My wife tells me "you are my best friend". I HATE THAT!!!!! I don't want to be her best friend. I want to be her best lover. If she thinks of me as friend first and lover not at all, well that's the whole problem in a nutshell isn't it. You thought of your husband as just a friend, not as a romantic lover. Isn't that so?

 

Now it's not so much. I'm sure he's equally if not more so uncomfortable around me. Sex is hard. I cannot say i've enjoyed sex since i confessed. It's something i do for him & try to do it as freely & as often as i can for him but as it's happening i cannot wait for it to be over.

Oh great. So again, you lie to him, you "fake it". And you think this is going to help? Why do you persist in tormenting this poor man? Let him go find a woman that will love him, really love him. Why do you hold on when you don't love him? It's not right InaPanic. You are beyond selfish and beyond cruel.

 

I don't know about your H, but if my wife did it "for me", and didn't enjoy it, I'd want to put a gun to my head. The greatest pleasure I get from sex is believing I'm giving her pleasure. That's what sex with a woman is all about for me. If I'm not lighting her fire I'm not interested and I sure don't want sex with her.

 

"Doing it for him" if you aren't truly enjoying it InaPanic is pretty despicable. Maybe even worse than cheating. Of course it's a form of cheating isn't it? A lie.

 

Do you think you will ever stop lying to your husband InaPanic? Will you ever tell him the truth?

 

 

I don't even want him looking at me during sex. All i do is think he's imagining me with someone else. Our sex life wasn't earth shattering before this but it certainly wasn't like this. I enjoyed it more often than not. I think this is something i need to figure out & fast. I haven't mentioned it to him AT ALL because i'm afraid it will come across as an insult to him. How could it not?

Duh....

 

I don't think it has anything to do with him or his ability to please me. On the contrary, it's just i think i relate sex to affair to betrayal to me being horrible.

Well you got that right.

 

But because of the betrayal & because this man was the first man other than my husband i'd been with for 18 years then it's had a profound affect on me.

Whose betrayal? You mean yours or the OM's betrayal of you?

 

I try to tell myself time will heal this wound & hope it does.

Hope all you want ... It won't. It will fester. Why? Because you aren't honest with yourself or your partner. You still think keeping secrets from H and lying to him about sex is going to make it better. It won't. You won't have a ghost of a chance (IMO of course) unless you have him read every last thing you've written on here and you tell him all the darkest things in your heart.

 

I wish i could give more of a positive update. It's not really a bad one but more of one that feels like we're kind of frozen in time. I hope we are moving forward together & that perhaps it's just such slow baby steps that on a day to day basis it's hard to see any progress. But there are days when it feels like life for either of us is never ever going to be the same again.

Come on you aren't seriously hoping life will ever be the same as before the A for the two of you are you? News flash, reality check. Life will never ever be the same again. You can't undo the hurt, the pain, the suffering, the distrust, the doubt, the hate, the damage you've done - to everyone, to H, yourself and OM. You can't take it back. You can't rewind the tape and erase it.

 

To live with the knowledge that i've not only done this to my life, but more importantly done this to his; someone completely innocent.....well, it's hard to take sometimes. I'm ok during the day because i keep myself busy. But i never sleep anymore it seems. Once the tv goes off & the lights are out & i'm alone with my thoughts it's just not good. My mind races.

You know why? Because you can't be completely honest with the man sleeping next to you.

 

I'm sorry if you don't like what I have to say IAP, but it's my honest and frank assessment and opinion on your situation. Cheating, lying got you into this. Keeping secrets and hiding things and faking sex isn't going to get you out of it. Try being completely honest with everyone around you for a change. No matter how hard you think that is, how much hurt you think it will cause, no matter if it means you end up alone. At least you'll sleep better at night.

[Karma24]

Posted under wrong thread.