FindingMyPath Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 First I want to say that this seems to be the ONLY non-judgemental forum out there where I can pose my situation. Noone IRL knows and I have to get thoughts from SOMEONE. KWIM? *Background* I'm a 32 MW {married for 11 years} with 3 kids under the age of 9; He is a 36 MM {married for 9 years} with 2 kids under the age of 9. I live on the East Coast; He lives on the West. 2 of my kids are special-needs; One of his is. I left my husband 3 years ago; I returned a few days later and we agreed to CoParent and basically be "roommates". Over the past 3 years Hubby and I have developed a good friendship. We are intimate a few times a month. MM's Wife was committed to a mental hospital 3 years ago for manic-depression with psychotic episodes. She was in for almost a year. They are currently CoParents and have no sexual relationship. We have both admitted that we can't leave our families until our kids are older 1}Because of the special needs involved, and 2}Because of his wife's instability {having my mother be like her I totally understand}. *How We Met* I know this is going to sound like some Hallmark movie - LOL - But here it goes : We met almost 20 years ago. I was 14 and a Freshman in high school; He was a Senior. Both having parents in the military we lived on the same base. We hung with the same people and became friends. We flirted all year, but both dating others. At the end of that year {6/89} He was shipped off to the first Persian Gulf War and I waited for him. I wrote him letters and he says he wrote back but I never rec'd them. I waited and waited for him to come home. In 6/91 my father was transferred from the West Coast to the East Coast. Once more I tried to find him and no luck. I moved - Never knowing what happened to him; never knowing if he was even still alive. I later came to find out that he had returned in 5/91 on leave to the West Coast and was searching for me! A mutual acquaintence of ours {who liked him} told him I'd already moved. {She actively kept us apart.} *Current* Then in 6/06 we found each other again at Reunion.Com {I think that's the site}! We spent the first week emailing several times a day and chatting on the phone. He told me he'd always thought of me over the years; I said the same. He told me how he'd come back from the Army to find me and was sad when he thought I had moved. We shared what was going on in our immediate lives and agreed that we couldn't leave our spouses for the sakes of our children involved. Then it got serious. We started sending each other intimate emails and photos. Our conversations and letters became much more serious. Finally in 9/06 we sat down on the phone and decided that while we were serious about each other, that we were taking it a bit fast. We both looked at the situation as something that we could see long-term and didn't want to rush and risk hurting our kids. We agreed to a break. He emailed me again in 11/06. Since then we have emailed a few times a week. General chat stuff. ECards. We both joined MySpace so we could communicate a bit more privately. His wife has had a second breakdown of sorts when they moved from SoCal to NoCal {she forgot to get a refill on her meds}; so that was a huge stressor for him. It's kinda like we back-peddled a bit from where we were 9/06 - But it feels ok. KWIM? We've given each other "outs" but we both have stated that we have waited this long to find each other again ... We can wait another 10 years to be together 100% of the time. So we aren't in a rush. *My Questions* I guess my main questions have to do with where to take the conversations. We don't think we will get to see each other until at the earliest next Fall. I want to open the door back up to where we can share how we feel for each other openly. But I don't want to pressure him. How can I encourage him to talk and share?
Author FindingMyPath Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 *bumping in hopes of reply*
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 You're in a tough situation and to be honest, because of his wife and her mental issues, I can't see him leaving her. Each of you have special needs children - Another rough thing to deal with on a daily basis. What is it that you want from him? A friendship? A long term relationship? Just seems you both have ALOT going on in your lives, so why throw in the ups/downs of an affair into the mix. Life seems stressful as it is now... Sorry if I'm not much help.
Author FindingMyPath Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 Whichwayisup : First let me say thanks for the gentle tone in your reply. I read many threads in this forum and was a bit hesitant at what sort of response I would get. I know my situation is a bit different from most you get here in that we aren't actively physical with each other. No that's all the same stuff we've talked about, and thought about. I think where we are looking is to have a deep friendship {possibly more in the future} but we want to stay connected and when our kids are 18, get together. We immediately talked about leaving our spouses the first time we found each other. But then we stopped and realized that his wife could become dangerous to their children {not feeding or caring for them, not abusive in the physical sense} if he did that. That's what happened right before she was hospitalized after he tried to leave her. Once they are 18 and out of the house they will be physically safe. {My uncle had an unstable wife, reconnected with his HS sweetheart after 20 years of marriage, and when his youngest turned 18 he divorced his wife and married the sweetheart. They have been SO happy ever since ... So I know it IS possible to wait if you are sure they are the one you should be with.} Before we took our break we had told each other that we wanted to be together. We had tried to figure out how to see each other. He told me that he's always loved me. I said the same. Right now we both need intimatcy from each other. Weather that is just talking or emails at this point; we are both ok with that. The special needs world is SO lonely. And it forces you into situations that you wouldn't otherwise be in. {I probably woudn't have returned to my husband.} Since coming back to each other from the break; we haven't spoken intimately {ie. told each other how we feel}. I want to open the door back up to him and let him know it's ok to talk to me like that again. Everyone likes to hear that they're loved even if it's 3000 miles away. I want to be able to tell him again that he has a place in my heart; but then -being "girly"- I don't want to say it first. KWIM?
Author FindingMyPath Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 Does anyone else have any gentle/positive thoughts to offer?
frannie Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I want to open the door back up to where we can share how we feel for each other openly. But I don't want to pressure him. How can I encourage him to talk and share? Hello there. I don't really understand why you can't tell him how you feel. Why you feel this would be 'pressure' from you. But it sounds like there's a whole lot missing. I know you're asking for 'soft and gentle' here, but... you both dated other people originally (weren't that into each other or what exactly..?), then he went away and didn't write..? Then there is this story about how he believed you were waiting for him (but he still didn't write..?) and looked for you but you'd gone and another girl kept you both apart deliberately..? And now not only does he have young children but an 'unstable' wife and so it cannot be... and he's still not so good at communicating..? I have to say nothing looks promising... I'm not sure what it is you want from him but you sound scared to even voice it... and just going on what you've written here I'm not surprised. It sounds like he's always got a reason why not. Telling someone how you feel isn't 'pressuring them'... what is it you want from all this..?
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