MoonGirl Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Hi all, I'm in a bit of a mess...well, like most of us in here. lol. I thought some of you OW/OM might be able to help me figure out what my OM is thinking about. Sorry this is so long... I have an abusive husband that I am trying to leave and an OM (EA) that I'm currently in NC with....sort of. I decided that it would be most fair to OM if I separate from H before our relationship progresses and farther, thus the NC. But now I am driving myself crazy thinking about OM and whether or not he really loves me. I know I probably sound crazy, but what do you think about my OM's behavior and do you think he has feelings for me? OM and I used to date when we were in our early 20s and were separated because of youth and the fact we lived in different places. I never stopped thinking about him and he said he has always compared every woman he has dated to me. When we were together (before NC), he was very sweet and often complimented me on my clothing, hair, etc. He would stare at me too. We had deep conversations when we met about 2 times per week and each time we met he would try to extend our outing by inviting me to another 2nd place or to watch TV with him, etc. When I would leave, he would hug me and hug me, walk me to my car, open the door, etc. After seeing each other about 1-2 times per week for about 2 months, OM asked me how I felt about him and I told him that I never had stopped thinking about him since we broke up and that I was falling in love with him again (which is the truth). He did not tell me how he felt, but mentioned that he would not officially date me or touch me until after I divorced my H. He has mentioned that he ahs compared every woman to me, was heartbroken when he heard I had a baby, that I would be a very good stepmom for his child, and he has asked me if I would ever consider marriage again (I said maybe - after at least 3 years) and having another child (which I assumed at the time meant with him sometime in the future). OM is very nice, respectful, and responsible with his child. He is very good-looking, shy, has a great sense of humor, and high morals. He told me he should be praying for my marriage to work rather than contemplating dating me. But after I told him about the abuse (briefly), he changed his mind about praying for my marriage to work. All of this sounds great, right? Well, the reason I am so confused about how he feels is that each time I ask him, he avoids the topic. When I wrote him email, sometimes he would not respond for up to a week (even though he reads email daily). However, when I called him, he would always call me right back. Since I didn't want to pressure him, I would wait for him to email or call me, and sometimes I would wait for a week (which was very hard for me since I would like to see him all the time!) He is hot sometimes, and then cold. Sometimes he'd call me every day for 3 days and then nothing for a week. I mentioned that when I move out of my house, I might move into his apartment complex (it is really the only one near my work - at least that's my rational). I told him he would get sick of me living there, and he responded by saying that I will get sick of him if I live there. The reason I went NC with OM was because I was just feeling so confused. I have confusion at home with H and confusion with OM. I know I first have to eliminate confusion with H in order to be able to handle my life. The real confusion with OM started when I sent OM an email stating that I liked the fact we were not in a physical relationship right now because it allows me time to get to know him without having physical stuff interfere with my feelings. For some reason, he never responded to that email, which I found confusing. I guess I didn't ask any direct questions, but the email was full of personal feelings for him. I thought about what I might have said wrong over and over again. Then I decided I needed NC since I just can't take thinking constantly about the unknown and having to deal with my home life too. Now, after almost a week of NC, OM sent me an email "just saying hi". It was nothing more, and confused me more since it said nothing about missing or loving me (which he would never say because I'm not his in his mind). So, what's your take on all of this? Is OM just hanging out with me as a friend? He doesn't really seem to be the type of guy to lead a gal on if he's not interested, but he knows I am VERY interested and still is hot and then cold and then hot and cold, etc. Do you think maybe he is just protecting himself as much as possible from getting hurt? I just don't know what to think. Anyway, I have to see him next week at a formal social function and I'm so nervous. Thanks for any of your thoughts on the topic as OW/OM.
puddleofmud Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Provided said "OM" is single and not MARRIED--he knows how to contact you (having received your emails) and he knows you are interested. You have sent the flag up the proverbial pole. Either he "salutes" the flag or he doesn't. Either way you are out there and available!!!! Have fun!
hardknocks Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I'm not proud of it, but I was the OM. We were so in love. And now like you we are in NC. I have a lot of similarities to the situation you have described. I have been through a lot. Our A has lasted for a few years - even though the last couple were also complicated by distance. And let me say Im sorry you are in an abusive relationship with your H. My advice to you, and to anybody in an A if to get out. I know that all sounds so simple but after years - and I mean years of pondering it from every angle it boils down to this... If you are M and you want out, you have to do it for you and not for the OM/OW first. If you are M and you love OM/OW - your feelings for each other are irrelevant - completely irrelevant until your Situation changes. If you love this OM.. you must leave your H first - and then persue the OM. If this OM really loves you.. shouldn't matter right now, you need to work on you, and your situation. And hopefully, it will change if that is what you truly wish for and hopefully your OM will be there when you have made it possible to have a relationship with him. And just FYI. What I have learned is that statistically, if the M person does not leave their H/W within 3 months, the probablility of them leaving for that person they are having an A with is very slim.. and it gets slimmer w/ time. And as a side note.. I had a friend, that was the OW for 14 years! It's amazing how time flies - when you're trapped sometimes in love. And after all of that torture and lies - and it has been over for close to 9 years now.. she says.. she still feels the same and he could walk into the door today and the feelings come right back. If it is love.. he will be there.. when you are. good luck and god bless.
Author MoonGirl Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 Thank for your replies, POM, I know you're right. I keep convincing myself that there are many many men and I will have fun, but this one particular man is always on my mind. He has been on my mind, in my dreams, etc for 7 years. But, I know that even being alone would be better than being with H, so I suppose I shouldn't worry too much about OM right now. It's just that I can't stop thinking about him! hardknocks, Thank you for your perspective on things. I understand saying that feelings are irrelevant, but feelings are not always logical. I know it's not logical to be in love with OM. I didn't seek out an OM because I was unhappy with my marriage. My OM is someone I have known for a long time and never stopped loving. I think he feels the same for me, but is hot and then cold (cyclic). I would leave my H regardless of OM and my feelings for him, and I am working on getting enough strength to leave (it won't be a pretty situation since my H tends to be very bitter, resentful, and verbally abusive when he is threatened or hurt...but maybe he knows the day is coming since we haven't really talked much, slept in the same room, or been intimate for over 2 years). I would never wish to hold onto my H and the OM. I know that is not fair to them, and it would be terribly confusing for me. I would never string OM along for my own strange pleasure only to hurt him when I can't leave H (thus the NC until I move out of my house). After a lot of thinking, I'm sure my hesitation to leave H is really fear of the unknown. I'm sure this is the case with many MM and MW, especially those who live in tolerable marriages. Thoughts of "does OM really love me?", "Will OM stay with me after I leave H?" and other doubts run through my mind. My H does not meet any of my emotional needs, but I know he won't leave me (at least he hasn't yet) and he provides for us with a good job. However bad a marriage is, the continuity of it and the fact that it is not unknown (opposite of fear of the unknown), makes me (and probably many other married people in affairs) less likely to leave.
ratingsguy Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 It sounds to me like this is weighing heavily on his mind as well. I do get the impression that he's more of a phone person as opposed to an e-mail person. Some people I know just don't check their e-mail for weeks. That's how it goes sometimes. I wouldn't give that too much thought. Speaking as an OM, I can tell you that if he's anything like me, he's probably talked to his buddies about this situation and has probably gotten a lot of conflicting advice (as I have). You've both done the right thing by not letting it get physical, and that is extremely admirable and speaks volumes about both of your characters. Based on that, I think he does want to do the right thing. I don't know him, so I can't tell you how he feels specifically about you. However, I get the impression that he does care about your well being, but at the same time doesn't want to be suffocating... as that may be perceived as his attempt to make you come to decision.
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 After a lot of thinking, I'm sure my hesitation to leave H is really fear of the unknown. Yes, probably is fear of the unknown, but the unknown is better for you. You have friends and family to support you through this - Let them help. Definately sort out your feelings first, have time alone after you leave your H before jumping into a relationship with the OM, this way you two will start off a relationship in a healthy way, ON the right foot - Instead of jumping in fast, you leaving your H and boom, right into the OM's arms. Date first, and take it slowly. Good luck and I hope you find the strength you need to leave your abusive husband.
Author MoonGirl Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 ratingsguy, Thanks for your input as an OM. I think my OM probably does care very much about me since he is not the type of guy to lead someone on if he's not interested. Yet, I guess I just want to be reassured of his feelings for me, which he is not able or willing to do right now. WWIU, You have been a wonderful support to me. I hope that you will help me celebrate once I move out. 1
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