scaredinlove Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Just curiosity or maybe I am feeling guilty... How long does it takes to someone who have been cheated on to heal?My exH has anger outbusrt from times times and send stupds e-mails which I kind of understand he does that once a month.But I was talking to exMM , we still talk sorry i am weak, and he told me his wife is still as crazy as she was 5 months ago.She breaks things and curses day and night ,they fight everyday. She was threatining to kill herself, I told him he should call a doctor or inform the rest of the family, he chose the second option and it worked because the other family members talked to her and now she dosen't threaten suicide anymore. But she is still screeming on the top of her lungs everynight and breaking half of the house,it has been like that since August 2006.Isn't that a little bit too long? How long does it take to someone to calm down and recover? I feel bad for both of them. I told him he must take her to a doctor ,but he says she refuses to go. How long is to long? Does anybody knows?
herenow Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I'm sure it's individual, but from what I have heard 5 months is nothing. It could take years. The bigger problem is that he is still talking to you. The reality is that the 5 months mean nothing. True healing can only begin when you are out of the picture entirely. If he is still talking to you, he is not committed to working on his marriage. I truly feel sorry for his wife on many levels.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Until she decides she's ready to deal with things and work it out with her husband. She's hurting and obviously a mess emotionally. 6 months isn't that long. Just ask any betrayed spouse how long it takes to learn to trust again, have faith and feel love for the spouse who cheated. I just wonder what he is doing to make her feel more secure, more loved. If she found out you two were still intouch (maybe she does know and isn't telling him) then she has every reason to be upset still.
herenow Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Also, since you are still "weak" as you say and talking to him, 5 months is not enough time for you to be able to get over it, so why should it be enough for a BW?
Romeo Must Die Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 You guys are still talking, of course that would help drive her out of her mind. I'm sure she would appreciate you helping alot more by leaving her WS alone or vice versa. If you are still talking, then as far as I'm concerned the affair is not over and nor can she end her pain other than wishing to die. That is horrible. Dont you feel responsible for part of that, SIL? There is no room for three people in a marriage. It doesnt take three to tango and for that matter, three is a crowd. In other words If you really cared about her marriage, you'd stay out of it. Your presence is probably lighting alot of these fires and dont be coy, you know you're doing it.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 And I know he contacts you, but if you really want the best for him and you want his wife to heal, feel better - Then YOU must take control and end your affair - Whether it is physical or emotional...He MUST focus all his energy into his wife. He can't regain or feel the love for her if he still has you in his life...
Romeo Must Die Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Oh brother. I wonder if he is doing this to say, see she was crazy. I wasnt lying. BW drove me into SIL's arms. See nobody would stay with a crazy wife, but nobody is saying that he is driving her mental. Its no picnic to be cheated on, but the lying and the manipulation is insane and it will make you feel that way.
Author scaredinlove Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Oh brother. I wonder if he is doing this to say, see she was crazy. I wasnt lying. BW drove me into SIL's arms. See nobody would stay with a crazy wife, but nobody is saying that he is driving her mental. Its no picnic to be cheated on, but the lying and the manipulation is insane and it will make you feel that way. I don't know what in his mind he seems concerned and I feel guilty as hell, I don't know this woman but I feel sorry and I realise that I was the cause of that pain. He buys her gifts and flowers that end up broken or in the garbage. i have know idea if he is trying to be a victim or what... Well maybe 5 months is normal. I am still talking to him but my feelings are changing, I am not going crazy anymore. But I am a different type of person.He has taking her out and I know they made love. When he call me he calls more to vent and ask me what he should do to quiet her down. She dosen't know we talk. We call each other at work. i don't know I honestely didn't know that people get so crazy about affairs. And by the way it wasn't the first affair on that marriage , she had another man for yearsand he had other affair before me. I know it is not my bussiness but I was just wondering how long it takes to people to heal.
LittleWingedOne Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 when i found out my ex was cheating, it took about a month to get over the inital blinding rage. when i stayed with him to try to make it work, i would still hold it over his head and bring it up all the time. I couldn't help it. I ended up leaving because i couldn't keep hating him for something he couldn't change now. it wasn't fair to him to stay... thats why i don't think couples can really make it work after one cheats... but thats just me.
ThumbingMyWay Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 How long does it takes to someone who have been cheated on to heal? I am going on 2 1/2 years since my wife cheated... and I still harbor anger.... I have heard 2 years before the betrayed one accepts the truth and is healed.. my wifes IC told her it could take up to 10 years for someone to get over the resentment and anger... arent affairs fun
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I don't know what in his mind he seems concerned and I feel guilty as hell, I don't know this woman but I feel sorry and I realise that I was the cause of that pain. He buys her gifts and flowers that end up broken or in the garbage. i have know idea if he is trying to be a victim or what... Well maybe 5 months is normal. I am still talking to him but my feelings are changing, I am not going crazy anymore. But I am a different type of person.He has taking her out and I know they made love. When he call me he calls more to vent and ask me what he should do to quiet her down. She dosen't know we talk. We call each other at work. i don't know I honestely didn't know that people get so crazy about affairs. And by the way it wasn't the first affair on that marriage , she had another man for yearsand he had other affair before me. I know it is not my bussiness but I was just wondering how long it takes to people to heal. SIL, since your feelings for him are changing and you feel guilt, then you need to say goodbye to him. It's not right and it's unfair that he still is confiding in you about his life, his wife and their marriage. He shouldn't be opening up to you, he needs to find a male friend or a therapist! It's up to you to end it now, so please consider that. He's still sneakin' in calls to you, betraying her... Well, now you know people can go crazy from affairs. Emotions and hurt feelings inflicted upon you can do that.
Author scaredinlove Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 SIL, since your feelings for him are changing and you feel guilt, then you need to say goodbye to him. It's not right and it's unfair that he still is confiding in you about his life, his wife and their marriage. He shouldn't be opening up to you, he needs to find a male friend or a therapist! It's up to you to end it now, so please consider that. He's still sneakin' in calls to you, betraying her... Well, now you know people can go crazy from affairs. Emotions and hurt feelings inflicted upon you can do that. You are right, I guess I am just doing like people who by the patch to stop smoking, I am slowly letting go. Yesterday his wife called and she was very polited for my surprise, she basically called to tell me what a A** he is and ask a couple of questions.She said he is lazy and dosent do anything at home(which I know is not true, he is an A** but I know he is not lazy) and that I could have him if I wanted but in the meanwhile she would make his life a living hell. She went from one subject to another without stopping , I was silent most of the time. In the end she thanked me for the conversation and hanged up. Surreal!! I told her he told me he loved her and wanted to stay with her, but she said what he loves is his clean clothes and warm dinners that she makes him.Something tells me she will call again.Know I went from lover to their therapist.He calls me to complain about her and she calls to complain about him. I wonder that maybe i am going crazy and having delusions... unbelivable!
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 You are right, I guess I am just doing like people who by the patch to stop smoking, I am slowly letting go. Yesterday his wife called and she was very polited for my surprise, she basically called to tell me what a A** he is and ask a couple of questions.She said he is lazy and dosent do anything at home(which I know is not true, he is an A** but I know he is not lazy) and that I could have him if I wanted but in the meanwhile she would make his life a living hell. She went from one subject to another without stopping , I was silent most of the time. In the end she thanked me for the conversation and hanged up. Surreal!! I told her he told me he loved her and wanted to stay with her, but she said what he loves is his clean clothes and warm dinners that she makes him.Something tells me she will call again.Know I went from lover to their therapist.He calls me to complain about her and she calls to complain about him. I wonder that maybe i am going crazy and having delusions... unbelivable! But by slowly letting go, you're hurting yourself more and more. You're TOO involved in their marriage. It's wrong of her to call you, it's wrong of him to vent to you and put you in the middle. It's HIS problem, HIS marriage. You don't really know exactly the truth, both of them see it from their POV. I don't know why you put up with it, loving him or not, either way you need to detach yourself and tell him (and get him to tell her) to leave you alone when it comes to their marriage. Stop making yourself available to help, it's not healthy. What are you getting out of it? She knows too, that you two are intouch so that is why things are they way they are.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 She is not the crazy one. Even if she senses her life is not right, she still isnt the crazy one. He is keeping you in his life and keeping her in his life for some reason. If she knew that you were still close to him, she would be flipped out... but she'd have every right to be angry. Define crazy. She could be in the middle of a school feild trip at Circus World and break down crying out of nowhere (like I did) or waking up at 4:00am because you can never sleep and she would still be a normal person in a really bad situation. Get it? It gets worse before it gets better. It takes time. Blah Blah Blah. Its whatever, maybe it's a forever kind of thing. Gee. I mean who knows the answers to these things! I wish to god I could wake up one morning and not remember any of it, but if it helps other people to know I have been through this too. I do my best to make it right in that way I guess.
sb129 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Yesterday his wife called and she was very polited for my surprise, she basically called to tell me what a A** he is and ask a couple of questions.She said he is lazy and dosent do anything at home(which I know is not true, he is an A** but I know he is not lazy) and that I could have him if I wanted but in the meanwhile she would make his life a living hell. She went from one subject to another without stopping , I was silent most of the time. In the end she thanked me for the conversation and hanged up. Surreal!! I told her he told me he loved her and wanted to stay with her, but she said what he loves is his clean clothes and warm dinners that she makes him.Something tells me she will call again.Know I went from lover to their therapist.He calls me to complain about her and she calls to complain about him. I wonder that maybe i am going crazy and having delusions... unbelivable! How come you are surprised she was polite? Don't forget, all you know about her is what HE has told you. He may well be lazy at home. He is hardly going to be telling you all his bad points is he? My exMM NEVER admitted to one single fault of his EVER, but he had a long long list of faults of his ex W's (surprise surprise she was crazy/psycho/ deranged) His ex W had a very long list of his faults for me (most of which I experienced myself, so she was right) when she and I talked. And when we did talk- she is the kind of woman I would have been friends with in another life. And her ex H treated her terribly, and I was party to that. Stop viewing your ex MM thru rose coloured spectacles and initiate NO CONTACT. That is the only way YOU will be able to get over him. His life is not your concern anymore, and he needs to know that. (so does she) Who cares about him, or her for that matter? You should move on, and leave their marriage to them. Its not your domain.
Author scaredinlove Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 I don't think she is crazy , I think she is really p**** and maybe depressed.She has left a nasty message on my answer machine once that is way I was surprised she was polite. But I think she just wanted to sugar coat me to see if she could get me on her side. It was good to talk because I mention about the nasty calls and said I don't want them anymore. Well I know I am getting sick and tired of this all. The good think is that I think more and more that MM is a really jerk!!
NoIDidn't Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Scared, Everyone else has already made some really good points, and you have acknowledged them - so I will attempt to add something different. I was reading in a magazine about a pregnant W who was found murdered in her home. Her H was allegedly having an A with a good friend of hers. He won't talk. I am keeping up with the story. My point. She is angry and so is YOUR exH. You have ended the physical A, but not the emotional part of it. End it as if your life depended on it. People are murdered everyday in relation to someone having an A. Suicide and homicide go hand in hand with As. Be safe. Stop talking to him in secret. She will more than likely call you again once she realizes that you said some things that you shouldn't know unless you have spoken to him. She throwing things in anger and rage. Not judging her, but she is obviously willing to get violent. Add the realization that he is still lying to her, and the two of you could be looking at a really ugly situation. Between her rage and your XH anger, it isn't worth talking to him anymore.
Author scaredinlove Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 Scared, Everyone else has already made some really good points, and you have acknowledged them - so I will attempt to add something different. I was reading in a magazine about a pregnant W who was found murdered in her home. Her H was allegedly having an A with a good friend of hers. He won't talk. I am keeping up with the story. My point. She is angry and so is YOUR exH. You have ended the physical A, but not the emotional part of it. End it as if your life depended on it. People are murdered everyday in relation to someone having an A. Suicide and homicide go hand in hand with As. Be safe. Stop talking to him in secret. She will more than likely call you again once she realizes that you said some things that you shouldn't know unless you have spoken to him. She throwing things in anger and rage. Not judging her, but she is obviously willing to get violent. Add the realization that he is still lying to her, and the two of you could be looking at a really ugly situation. Between her rage and your XH anger, it isn't worth talking to him anymore. Thanks noIdidn't.
sb129 Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I don't think she is crazy , I think she is really p**** and maybe depressed.She has left a nasty message on my answer machine once that is way I was surprised she was polite. But I think she just wanted to sugar coat me to see if she could get me on her side. It was good to talk because I mention about the nasty calls and said I don't want them anymore. Well I know I am getting sick and tired of this all. The good think is that I think more and more that MM is a really jerk!! i dont think that is necessarily a bad thing that you are getting sick of it and think he is a jerk... It will strengthen your resolve to move on.
puddleofmud Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 The affair is not over in the least. By continuing contact and by comparing via emotional notation what is going on with your H and his W--the affair has not ended. Neither of the FOUR persons involved has the genuine opportunity to deal with their marriage without an OP. Both OPs' are "kissing and telling" regarding their perspective spouses and comparing notes! That is an AFFAIR. PERIOD. NO IF ANDS OR BUTS. If one truly cares about the emotional nature of their spouse they speak w/ their spouse and only their spouse--not their ex-lover! Also, via an affair being said, done and over: one does not engage with the ex-lover, physically nor emotionally. Seems that BOTH OP are still engaging emotionally, which is a betrayal of both marriages and marital partners. Should a BS spouse feel instinctively that this may be the case--one may would break a lot of dishes as to one's frustration...
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