kindred_soulman Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I would like some honest opinions in an attempt to learn what my issue is. basically, I have dated, dated and dated and nothing. For one reason or another it does not work out. So let me give you my stats and a few details of what makes me tick and what my experiences have been. Maybe then you can tell me "WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?" Positive attributes: 1) have a career 2) am independent (own apartment, furniture, cars) 3) humurous - will laugh and make jokes about anything, including myself 4) faithful - have been faithful to all of my past lady friends 5) ambitious - starting a small biz while working full time 6) Keeping in shape by working out 7) No baggage! (ex's or kids) Negative attributes 1) Am just getting out of debt from student loans and being poor while in college. 2) I smoke camel lights ( 1/2 pack a day) 3) I can be impatient with people... especially women who play games 4) I am a procrastinator at times. I also drink on occasion, but rarely get drunk. So based on this information and my picture in my avatar, please give me your advice! Some reasons I have had bad dates recently are: Girls who don't smoke.... Girls who are dating multiple guys simultaneously.... Girls who are married but separated.... Girls who admittedly "don't know what they want".... Girls take the guy who waits tables for a career over me...(because they liek a project?) I am 29 years old now and have my life on track. I would love nothing more than to have a wonderful girl to spend my time with. Why have I been single for almost 3 years and what can I do to change it??? HELP!
ash519 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Well, i dont have a great answer for you...but in the post you left me you said that reasons like girls being controlling or trying to change you is why you will probably remain single...Do you think you generalize women in that category? Smoking is a draw back...if my bf and i broke up i vow to never date a smoker again. But the fact that you have a carreer, your own place etc...basically having your life on your shoulders is a huge plus. I dont know about women choosing waiters over you because they are 'projects', sounds like they are either young (too young) or maybe those particular women saw something they really liked in these waiters. Or maybe you have a side of you not listed on your 'negative' attributes. Keep looking, you'll find her!
blind_otter Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 IME when you stop looking for someone, you find the person you were meant to be with. Maybe the issue is that you're too focused on trying to get a woman. Try focusing on yourself and developing your own life, and the other pieces should fall into place. When you are on the right track, everything starts to "fit".
CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 IME when you stop looking for someone, you find the person you were meant to be with. Maybe the issue is that you're too focused on trying to get a woman. Try focusing on yourself and developing your own life, and the other pieces should fall into place. When you are on the right track, everything starts to "fit". Excellent advice, B_O. Focusing on yourself and making yourself the best you can be will always attract the right person into your life. Water seeks it's own level.
IWalkAlone Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Soulman, How are you in bars? If a person smokes, they'll smoke in a bar, making it easier to spot women who smoke and should not be put off by your smoking. If see a woman pull out a pack of cigarrates and you step forward and offer a lite, is that an effective opening line? Well, other than the smoking, I'm much like you. I'm in my early 30s, and I have a very difficult time getting dates and moving into a relationship when I do get a date or two, despite there being nothing obviously wrong with me. The only pattern I've noticed is that when a women is into me, things happen easily, but then they're not into me (or when they STOP being into me), nothing I do or say can make it happen. The problem is that women who are into me are rare, and when they are they're sub-standard (overweight and/or not that bright). Why is that? That's the $64K question. BO and CG: I strongly disagree with the "stop trying" advice. That may work for guys who have the "it" that makes women chase them, but not for everyone. When I am not looking, I'm not putting myself into situations where I'm likely to meet new people. And if I do meet someone casually, I'm not likely to make an effort to get to know her better or ask for a phone number. I find that when I ignore women, they ignore me too.
stace79 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Agreed. The whole "don't try" thing is a farse. Everyone tries...maybe they're not obsessive, but everyone tries. I think the problem is that the gene pool is diluted...there are too many people who believe cheating is okay, leading people on is okay, etc. I guess you really do just have to be patient, because if someone doesn't love you, you can't make them. Although I'd rather be single trying to find a date than dating someone I couldn't figure out. =) Look on the bright side... Other than the smoking thing, I think you're a pretty decent guy.
Guest Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 It is interesting to read quite a few posts on here where the guy talks about having a career and having their life together via "material" things like a house, nice car etc. But to a woman with quality, are these really the things she would measure her mate with? I would argue no. I am a woman in my 30s with my own career, houses, and my own assets etc. I am currently evaluating what I want want in a man, and truthfullly, whether he has money or not is not that high up on the list as I have my own money. But what I DO look for is a man who is clear about what he wants out of life and is able to be clear that he wants me and all of me. And pretty high up on my list is a man who is able to be emotionally stable and available and who won't run away the minute there is a problem. For you, the smoking is a problem. It is a disease, that should be treated. The smell of cigarette smoke to a non-smoker is the most disgusting thing in the world. And truthfully, women smokers?? So... here is my advice, quit smoking and work on deepening your character/soul etc. Sure keep up the work and house etc, as that is what makes you happy. But by expanding your emotional base, you become more secure in yourself and women are very much attracted to that. 3. VALUES AND SELF ESTEEM AS ADULTS MEN * A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results, through success and accomplishment. Achieve goals and prove his competence and feel good about himself. * To feel good about himself, men must achieve goals by themselves. * For men, doing things by themselves is a symbol of efficiency, power and competence. * In general, men are more interested in objects and things rather than people and feelings. * Men rarely talk about their problems unless they are seeking "expert" advice; asking for help when you can do something yourself is a sign of weakness. * Men are more aggressive than women; more combative and territorial. * Men's self esteem is more career-related. * Men feel devastated by failure and financial setbacks; they tend to obsess about money much more than women * Men hate to ask for information because it shows they are a failure. WOMEN: * Women value love, communication, beauty and relationships. * A woman's sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They spend much time supporting, nurturing and helping each other. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating. * Personal expression, in clothes and feelings, is very important. Communication is important. Talking, sharing and relating is how a woman feels good about herself. * For women, offering help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength; it is a sign of caring to give support. * Women are very concerned about issues relating to physical attractiveness; changes in this area can be as difficult for women as changes in a man's financial status. * When men are preoccupied with work or money, women interpret it as rejection.
Author kindred_soulman Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Excellent advice, B_O. Focusing on yourself and making yourself the best you can be will always attract the right person into your life. Water seeks it's own level. That is good advice, in fact that would be the advice that I would give someone in my situation. The thing is, I have been focusing on myself for 3 years now. While your advice is good, I am just not sure if it applies to me. Focusing on yourself gets old after a few month....
Author kindred_soulman Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Agreed. The whole "don't try" thing is a farse. Everyone tries...maybe they're not obsessive, but everyone tries. I think the problem is that the gene pool is diluted...there are too many people who believe cheating is okay, leading people on is okay, etc. I guess you really do just have to be patient, because if someone doesn't love you, you can't make them. Although I'd rather be single trying to find a date than dating someone I couldn't figure out. =) Look on the bright side... Other than the smoking thing, I think you're a pretty decent guy. I agree with all of what you say. As for the not trying thing, I look at it this way: Anything worth having is going to take effort. I mean, my job didn't fall into my lap, I had to look and work for it. I guess I am looking for an answer to something that there are no direct answers to. Rather, I feel that there are multiple reasons, mostly stemming from the sad state of modern American culture. My personal opinion on the matter is that our society is mostly to blame. So I just have to deal with the fact that I am smart, successful, in shape and SINGLE! Seriously, not to sound conceited but I know what I have to offer. Just not sure why women are passing me over for some guy who has a lot less to offer in the long run. Kind of like an oxy moron......
Capatinacen Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Positive attributes: 1) have a career 2) am independent (own apartment, furniture, cars) 3) humurous - will laugh and make jokes about anything, including myself 4) faithful - have been faithful to all of my past lady friends 5) ambitious - starting a small biz while working full time 6) Keeping in shape by working out 7) No baggage! (ex's or kids) Nothing wrong there. I like those myself and it's nice to know you have no baggage. Negative attributes 1) Am just getting out of debt from student loans and being poor while in college. 2) I smoke camel lights ( 1/2 pack a day) 3) I can be impatient with people... especially women who play games 4) I am a procrastinator at times. I also drink on occasion, but rarely get drunk. Those are not that bad. The only turn off would be smoking and I wonder how far your impatience goes? So based on this information and my picture in my avatar, please give me your advice! If thats your in the picture then I would say your not ugly. Some reasons I have had bad dates recently are: Girls who don't smoke.... Girls who are dating multiple guys simultaneously.... Girls who are married but separated.... Girls who admittedly "don't know what they want".... Girls take the guy who waits tables for a career over me...(because they liek a project?) I am 29 years old now and have my life on track. I would love nothing more than to have a wonderful girl to spend my time with. Why have I been single for almost 3 years and what can I do to change it??? HELP! Where are you meeting these women at? Online, bars, where? Also normally I would agree with stop looking BUT if you don't put yourself out there then it will not happen. Sure you can focus on other things in the meantime but don't beat yourself up about this. When it's time you will meet someone. Till then have fun, date, and enjoy life.
blind_otter Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 That is good advice, in fact that would be the advice that I would give someone in my situation. The thing is, I have been focusing on myself for 3 years now. While your advice is good, I am just not sure if it applies to me. Focusing on yourself gets old after a few month.... Life is a continual growth process. If "it gets old" to do some self inventories and be growth motivated, it's likely that you're going about this process for the wrong reasons. In which case, nothing good can come of it.
Kamille Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Ok, you yourself suggested we rip you apart, so here goes. You do sound like a catch but why do I get the feeling that you just got burned by a woman you were interested in who chose a 'waiter' (often code for artists) over you? The one thing I notice in your description and in your replies that might turn me off is a link I make between: 3) I can be impatient with people... especially women who play games I guess I am looking for an answer to something that there are no direct answers to. Rather, I feel that there are multiple reasons, mostly stemming from the sad state of modern American culture. My personal opinion on the matter is that our society is mostly to blame. Just not sure why women are passing me over for some guy who has a lot less to offer in the long run. These statements make you sound a bit arrogant. Who are you to decide that 1) these women are playing games? 2) All American culture is responsible for your single status? 3) Someone else's career choices make him a deadbeat? I don't know if maybe this is just how you feel today because you are frustrated with your single status. I do know that I am looking for kindness, open-mindedness and patience in a potential boyfriend.
Author kindred_soulman Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Ok, you yourself suggested we rip you apart, so here goes. You do sound like a catch but why do I get the feeling that you just got burned by a woman you were interested in who chose a 'waiter' (often code for artists) over you? These statements make you sound a bit arrogant. Who are you to decide that 1) these women are playing games? 2) All American culture is responsible for your single status? 3) Someone else's career choices make him a deadbeat? I don't know if maybe this is just how you feel today because you are frustrated with your single status. I do know that I am looking for kindness, open-mindedness and patience in a potential boyfriend. Thanks for responding. Keep in mind there is a fine line between arrogance and confidence. To know me in person is to understand that I treat all people well. I don't think that I am better than everybody, but I do believe I am a good catch. 1) who am I to decide that these women are playing games? Well if they tell you they are dating 4 guys simultaneously.... kind of makes you question their character 2) All American culture is responsible for your single status? Yes, American culture has had a major role in my life and single status. After all, I am a part of it myself. Example : It is okay in our society for women to be bisexual. Since I don't want to raise kids with a bisexual woman, I have just ruled out dating A LOT of women, therefore increasing my odds of remaining single. Just one example of many I can give you from American society. If you need more, please ask. 3) Someone else's career choices make him a deadbeat? Well if you drop out of high school, land a job as a waiter and never attempt to improve yourself then YES YOU ARE A DEADBEAT. Women seem to love these types... i don't know if it's pity or the initial excitement of doing some guy not good for you.
ash519 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 It is ok for women to be bi-sexual. You just have a person preference that you dont want to date them...but that is your choice and therefore why you dont date those women. Not societies fault, just your preference.
ash519 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 As for the deadbeats...I am a 24 yo woman. I wouldnt want to date someone who is going nowhere in life just because they dont feel like it and i can tell you this...Out of i'd say 7 of my closest gf's, they wouldnt want to date a deadbeat either. And I can speak for most women when I say we want someone with ambitions. I dont know what women you are speaking of.
Author kindred_soulman Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Life is a continual growth process. If "it gets old" to do some self inventories and be growth motivated, it's likely that you're going about this process for the wrong reasons. In which case, nothing good can come of it. No, it gets old because there is no one to share anything with. I will always strive to improve myself regardless of relationship status. It gets old after you've been single for three years like me.
Author kindred_soulman Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 It is ok for women to be bi-sexual. You just have a person preference that you dont want to date them...but that is your choice and therefore why you dont date those women. Not societies fault, just your preference. Bisexuality has been on the rise. Why do you think this is? Do you think women just woke up one day and say "I want to be bisexual"? NO. It is CONDITIONED behavior which is learned from society. Think about it. To me, this is not a preference, it is immoral. But it is obvioulsy okay since "everyone's doing it". And this is a product of American culture. Why are there more bisexual women now than 50 years ago? Only because society accepts it and in some cases condones it. Feed the fire and it will grow.
Author kindred_soulman Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 As for the deadbeats...I am a 24 yo woman. I wouldnt want to date someone who is going nowhere in life just because they dont feel like it and i can tell you this...Out of i'd say 7 of my closest gf's, they wouldnt want to date a deadbeat either. And I can speak for most women when I say we want someone with ambitions. I dont know what women you are speaking of. I can't speak for your friends but I can speak for mine. A friend of mine who is kind of a deadbeat is getting married. Keep in mind he has no car, waits tables, dropped out of high school and 2 kids he does not support. This beautiful girl is just in love with him.... just leaves me wondering what she loves. Just one example, will be happy to provide you with more. And I am a bit jealous... but come on!
ash519 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I wouldnt say it is immoral. Yes, more women are bi, but 50 years ago they just hid it more since it wasnt accepted. I would say nowadays people are just much more open minded about these things and these situations. Just because 2 people with vagina's wanna fool around does not make them immoral, it makes them sexual.
ash519 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I understand you are jealous, that is a normal reaction when you want what others have...but she is in love with him. She doesnt love him for money or car etc, she loves who he is. I think maybe you are and have become more bitter with time and it sounds like you are blaming the world for your single status. Women can sense when a man is bitter and unhappy. Also, you have no patience when a women is being 'silly', so maybe you come off in a jerky way when your impatience rears it's ugly head. Just a guess. I think you need to relax and stop blaming the world. Let some of this go and just be. I know many women who dont want dead beats. Friends of mine or not...it is what most women want...a nice, ambitious, patient, loving man to be with. My bf for ex: He worked in resteraunts for a while. Now he designs kitchens. It is a slow slow slow start...he does not make much money at all. He has a car, but it isnt great, but he wants to succeed in his line of work and he is in a band which he has passion for and I love him for that. We started dating when he worked at the Outback steakhouse. It isnt about all that, it is the person.
Author kindred_soulman Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 I wouldnt say it is immoral. Yes, more women are bi, but 50 years ago they just hid it more since it wasnt accepted. I would say nowadays people are just much more open minded about these things and these situations. Just because 2 people with vagina's wanna fool around does not make them immoral, it makes them sexual. Nope, it is immoral. Have you ever read the Bible? Apparently not. Maybe women did hide it more 50 years ago, but now that it is deemed "okay" there are a lot more converting...
Author kindred_soulman Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 I understand you are jealous, that is a normal reaction when you want what others have...but she is in love with him. She doesnt love him for money or car etc, she loves who he is. So she loves the fact that he can not provide for himself, and he does not take care of his children. Excuse me but doesn't these things say something about HIS character? If she loves who he is then I suppose she loves the fact that he has unprotected sex with girls and makes babies he can't afford. He talks a good talk..... that is what she sees. But she is too naive to understand that actions speak louder than words. No wonder the divorce rate is what it is. And I am bitter thanks to dealing with women for 29 years...
Author kindred_soulman Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 He has a car, but it isnt great, but he wants to succeed in his line of work and he is in a band which he has passion for and I love him for that. I have known a lot of people in bands who could not hold a regular job and were alcoholics. But society says "He is in a band, he must be cool, tough and macho". Then girls sleep with him and I end up paying the welfare to take care of the children.
MoonGirl Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 KS, If you're Christian, have you tried meeting a nice woman at church? It's hard to tell you what you're doing "wrong" without actually meeting you face to face. You sound like a good catch, but maybe there's something about you that writing just can't convey. I recommend reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Even though it is full of sweeping generalizations, it does give the reader a general idea about the differences between how women and men communicate. I have found it very helpful in trying to understand why some of my past relationships failed. Also, you mentioned that you do date, but have been on many bad dates. Have some of the women you dated wanted a 2nd or 3rd date? Are you the one rejecting these women? What are your standards (other than her not being bisexual)?
ash519 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Do you know when the bible was written? Yeah..like a billion years ago. Do you think it would be the same if written now? The bible does not define what is moral and what is not. Women who fool around with other women does not hurt anyone, except maybe theyd rather be with eachother than be with a man like you. Your right though. Society is to blame, your friend is nieve, her fiance is a dead beat, the bible is the way, being sexual is a sin, and women are something you DEAL with. I wish you the best of luck finding a women to put up with all your negative ways and all your stuck in the BC days crap. Dont get me wrong...i believe in God, i do. But i dont believe in what the bible says. It has been changed too many times over the years and i bet is so different that what was originally written. But anyway, the world is out to get you!!!!! You shall remain single FORVER because of the dang world. You poor thing:bunny:
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