addicted2love Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I haven't posted for a while for fear of getting flamed but here goes. Just when I was about to give up I heard from MM. I had myself convinced that he had gotten over me and was done. The last email I sent to him was 3 weeks ago..basically saying that I needed him to either let me in or let me go. I asked him to have the courage to say goodbye, I needed that closure to move on. He responded telling me he could never let me go. He said he thinks about me every day and how he screwed everything up. He said a few other things that I'm not sure how to take...He said he doesn't want to hurt his kids but he misses me and that he has to figure something out. What does this mean? The last thing he said was for me to call him at work and gave me a phone number. The last time I called him at work was back in November when he hung up on me. In his email he also said "I still love you, you know that." I don't know what to make of this. I really can't read too much into an email without talking to him. Does it sound like he's trying to figure out a way to leave? Hell I don't know. Before D day he was the one saying we HAD to be together, that he wanted to marry me. Then he freaked out and backed off. I was never the one that mentioned marriage, I never asked him to leave his W. He was the one that said all of that. This is so hard!
frannie Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 ... Does it sound like he's trying to figure out a way to leave? Hell I don't know. Cynical me says he wants it to sound that way... Sensibly speaking, you have 3 weeks of NC under your belt, and I can't see a reason why you would break that. You asked/told him straight how it was going to be (either leave, or leave you alone..?) and he's not done either. All you're likely to get if you talk to him is more of the same indecision and soft-soaping. I suppose you have to ask yourself if you can deal with that or not.
BUTAFLY Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Frannie is right. If your fall back into this where is it going to lead? 3 wks of NC- good for you. Keep it up your doing great . What I came to realize with my relationship was indeed he needs me...I believed him when he says he doesn't want to let me go. But the reason for this is that he needs me to make him feel good about HIM. It has NOTHING to do with wanting to be with me. I don't know your history with your MM but in his email he inserted a disclaimer ,"I don't want to hurt my kids" Translated=i will not divorce. I know people will disagree with me but Thats a crock of bull You divorce your spouse, Not the children. I say keep up NC and when you need support reach out to other exow for support and strength. Good Luck ! PS. I would advise you to PM exow for BS have taken over and most likely will flame.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Funny that is the same exact words Romeo said to me (BW) when he wanted me back. Now just how many times he played the yo-yo between me and the other woman (four times) and now I really have to wonder if he just said the same thing to her when I walked out on him and his sh*it. "I always wanted you, I always loved you." Yeah. You got a really funny way of showing it pal. PS I dont doubt that he broke his silence, but you could never maintain just friends (it will evolve into sex) and he is still taking everything from you and trying to maintain his marriage. See what three more weeks brings you. Do not break contact. Let him break contact (It's expected he would) but dont you break it.
Author addicted2love Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Thanks for the replies...I know this is such a f**ked up situation. I feel strongly that NC is only used when you want to end the R. I'm not at that point yet. I've been in love with this man for 17 years. Neither one of us ever got over the other one. Long story really. Anyway the whole thing is so damn complicated. He can't let go either and I've never allowed myself to truly get over him because frankly I don't want to. I know that someday soon I will get to the "sh*t or get off the pot point with him but I'm still not there yet. RMD Thank you very much for not flaming me. I appreciate your objective opinnion. I do agree with the whole "yo-yo" thing...I know exactly what you are saying. With that said...I too have be a BS and I know two wrongs don't make a right but I finally understand the OW's point of view. It's not easy to be on either side of this stupid fence. It's confusing, heartbreaking and painful. Never in my life did I think I'd be in this situation. I was so hurt when it happend to me. I can't justify it, all I can say is that for the last 13 years of my life this is the one man, the one relationship that I've never been able to get over. He's the one that got away. He came back into my life and confirmed that he's been feeling the same way all these years. Wrong or right the feelings are there and we can't shut them off. There's no switch. So here we are in a big damn complicated mess that sucks for everyone involved.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I didnt say your R was a yoyo, that it was my WS doing that to me and this other woman. We made up and broke up four times after d-day and he would go back to his OW. Then he'd come back. We'd fight about the OW and he'd be out again. Then he came back. It just struck me because I have heard those words before and I wonder (really wondering hard) if he said the same words to his OW to get her back. His promises dont matter to me. He therefore has to act on it. I wouldnt be reconcilling if I thought the R with OW was still going. But make no mistake he can go back to it anytime he wants to and that is all he has to say to get back in. Its just doesnt seem right. With Romeo it just seems he can take a wrong and make it even more wrong in eight different ways. All our D-days put together we are at about eight, mine and OW's combined. I understand complicated. I understand being lulled back into the relationship. I understand NC and how hard it is not to believe them. It was those exact words that struck me as something I heard before. Like in a deja-vu way.
lovelorcet Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 He is going to try to find a way to keep banging you and not have to end his M. I think that is pretty clear here.
Author addicted2love Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 I think there is a book that they all study. They know exactly what to say to play on each woman's emotions. It's hard to weed out the the bullsh*t and get to the truth. When I was going through it w/ my H his best friend was going through it with his now exW. We would compare notes and laugh (bitterly) that they must have a script for cheaters out there. I heard...."I don't know if I want to be married anymore" but he wouldn't tell me why. "No there's no one else, it's just me." "I don't have the time, energy or the money for a girlfriend, you're being rediculous." "Don't push me to make a desicion about our M...if you push you won't like the results." Along with many many other hurtful things. I would wake up every morning not knowing where my life was headed. And that was all BEFORE he got caught! There was no remorse until D day. Then it was..."I don't want to lose you." "You are the best thing that has ever happend to me." "I've made the biggest mistake of my life." bla bla bla.... You are right...it's not what they say it's what they do. I found out later that there was another OW (that makes 2) during that same time frame. He lied about her too. Then 3 years later I get a call from my best friend telling me it was rumored that he was sleeping with one of our employees. I never caught him that time and I still don't know if it was true...I'll never know. All of this happend 7 years ago....he's always were he says he's going to be now and his actions speak louder than his words ever did. But it's still hard to get over that. I think that is partially why I allowed myself to be in the situation I'm in now. Doesn't make it right I know.
Author addicted2love Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 He is going to try to find a way to keep banging you and not have to end his M. I think that is pretty clear here. He can't "bang" me I live 7 hours away from him. This isn't nor has it ever been about sex.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 This isn't nor has it ever been about sex. Then it's about emotions. And he is getting something selfishly out of it..Still doesn't mean he is going to commit to you, leave his wife.
Author addicted2love Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Then it's about emotions. And he is getting something selfishly out of it..Still doesn't mean he is going to commit to you, leave his wife. You're right it doesn't mean that at all. There is no easy solution to this. We love each other...have for 17 years. Now we both have lives that we can't walk away from without hurting a bunch of people. So we stay apart and unhappy to spare everyone else from getting hurt? I don't know the answer...I'm trying to figure it out myself.
sunmoon Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 hi addicted2love: I wanted to comment on your post. your MM sounds a little like mine. I've been with him for about 10 months. the jist: yes, we love each other, it's not just sex, we have the best most easy going relationship i have ever been in, and NO it's not because he is married and theres no real commitment etc,,,(as many people seem to think) I do beleive that everybody's situation is different....anyway, I speak to him at least 6 times a day, but really only see him once a week (sometimes 2) I am happy when im with him,,,BUT (and this a big BUT) He tells me as well that he "needs to find a way"...he has 2 kids 4yr old and 3 yr old. I have met them both. I do beleive if he did not have kids he would of left her a long time ago (he's been married for 10 yrs) His wife has cheated on him. They do not speak, their home is kinda like a revolving door between the 2 of them (unhealthy well,,,yes) duh....anyway, the sad thing is it seems that with being the OW, you either accept or reject. You cannot anticipate. you can tell your man till he's blue in the face that he's "gotta do aomething"...the way to really know is through the NC that you have shown to him. Forget closeur ...that's over-rated. If you have NC and he never contacts you, that is your answer. I sometimes feel like never being a relationship again, because being the OW just jades you. How long can one do this is the question. I am almost at my wits end, and i have expressed that to him and he says that soon he will just burst it all out to his wife because that is the way he handles things,,,BUT action speaks louder then words...I really hope that he does, but as another person here posted, time heals, and the majority of these men are big pu$$ies. Sorry but they kinda are. You say that you stay apart and unhappy to spare everyone else from getting hurt....When 2 people really love each other they NEED to be together...you can't go on hurting yourself or him. I understand what you're going through and sadly i try and think of how it is that I will handle my MM situation when it finally comes to an end ,,,cause I get the feeling that everyone is right...( but right now, i cant seem to say goodbye.
Author addicted2love Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 Sunmoon...I understand completely how hard it is to say goodbye. It's very difficult to hang in there when you are hurting over the situation. Your pride tells you to run and heart says no stick it out. I've always said nothing worth having comes easy. It's so hard for me to sit here and do nothing. I'm the kind of person that sets a goal and doesn't let anything stop me from achieving it. But in this situation I don't have the ability to do that and it's frustrating. It also frustrates me to no end when people who have never been in this situation tell me he's being selfish..or he just wants to "bang" me. I can see why it would appear that way but only our dearest friends and family know the kind of people we truly are. We are both very giving and careing people. We give everything of ourselves to our spouses and get little in return. I know there are BS's out there that read this and get mad...I've been that BS...trust me when I say I understand. This isn't some random man that I met recently and tried to steal for myself. When he first contacted me I was VERY careful not to let my feelings be known. I played it very casual and aloof. HE was the one that brought the feelings back out and put them on the table. HE was the one that contacted me and said he'd never gotten over me, still loved me and said "we need to find a way to be together...the way it should have been" etc. All of that makes me think that if he were truly happy in his M and things were as they should be between him and his W he would have forgotten about me a long time ago or at least gotten over me and moved on. This isn't the case for either one of us. It's hard to live in a M knowing that there is someone else out there that knows you better, treats you better and loves you better than your spouse. It's unfortunate that we were too young and stupid to see it all those years ago when we were both free to do something about it. So I'm constantly asking myself...is it too late? Do we stay in these empty relationships because we made a bad decision (not staying together) years ago and now we both have kids? Do we sacrafice our own happiness and do what society says is the "right" thing to do? UGH! Sorry just venting...had to get it out before I explode.
serial muse Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I don't think "society" is necessarily saying the right thing to do is to stay in bad marriages where all four of you are miserable and you feel trapped. I think people are far more likely to encourage you to actually make a choice, and not keep everyone in limbo needlessly. You aren't happy; he isn't happy; according to you both, your spouses aren't happy. Why on earth would you want to continue on this way indefinitely?? You only have one life to live. Please, consider this - you can live it actively, or you can live it passively, as you currently are. I just don't understand why you would both be willing to prolong this pain indefinitely. What is the point?? I know, believe me, that the choice isn't easy, but it is simple: You can decide to focus on repairing your marriage(s), or you can decide to move on to a different life - whether that includes your MM or not.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Go ahead little bunny, !!! vent away!!! lol BTW, I think the poster who said he wanted to bang you was a slight towards the MM, not you. Men actually do think alot alike. Primitive. Its for your own good we tell you these things. Anyway, I dont think that anybody here hasnt approached you too harshly (I think you are mostly judging yourself) and they also gave you some well meaning, sisterly advice, wether they are the BS or not. Look at us. Heck my life is so screwed up. How the hell did we end up here? I'm sayin!
Kathleen Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Addicted2Love, Good luck with your situation. Just be careful what you post here. Sometimes alotta bashing goes on. Beware of posters who ACT like they are on YOUR side. They will give you advice & then BAM. Stab you in the back. Most women here will help but there are a few who won't.
frannie Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 So I'm constantly asking myself...is it too late? Do we stay in these empty relationships because we made a bad decision (not staying together) years ago and now we both have kids? Do we sacrafice our own happiness and do what society says is the "right" thing to do? UGH! Sorry just venting...had to get it out before I explode. Argh... it sounds like you're having a bad day there. The only way you can look at this (imho) is to think... what can YOU do in your situation. Yes, you can get a divorce, people do it all the time... who is pressuring you to stay in a situation that's making you really unhappy..? Whoever they are should go and mind their own business. Never mind 'society'... because you can't please all of the people all of the time and neither should you be even trying. OK, the real problem seems like him... yes..? If you leave will he..? Or am I barking up the wrong tree? There have been people on here posting about situations where one left and the other didn't, or the married person ended the marriage but no longer wanted a relationship with the OP, or went back... or ... well, just about every permutation you can think of. Nothing is ever certain. Your MM might be just dipping his feet, engaging in a flight of fancy... never going to come through with a plan of action much less follow it through. I feel the same way about my MM... ... and what I think is this... you have to make the best decisions for you and those who depend on you right now... never mind what everyone else thinks, or what other people (including your MM) will do. There are no guarantees... you can't rely on anyone else doing anything... not leaving their marriage, for certain. But that's not important. You need to think of you, and what you want, and what you need to do to be happy. Put that first, and the rest will follow (or not, but if they don't they're going to miss out ) Hope this helps.
Author addicted2love Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 Go ahead little bunny, !!! vent away!!! lol BTW, I think the poster who said he wanted to bang you was a slight towards the MM, not you. Men actually do think alot alike. Primitive. Its for your own good we tell you these things. Anyway, I dont think that anybody here hasnt approached you too harshly (I think you are mostly judging yourself) and they also gave you some well meaning, sisterly advice, wether they are the BS or not. Look at us. Heck my life is so screwed up. How the hell did we end up here? I'm sayin! Thanks for the "green light" on the venting thing! ha ha I know people here are telling me things for my own good...really I do. That is why I continue to post here. I don't feel that anyone has approached this thread of mine too harshly...I've said it before I appreciate an objective opinion and an occasional virtual kick in the a**! As for the "banging" comment...yeah it cheesed me off a little but I felt I had to respond. If all I wanted was a good scr*w I'd find that in my own zip code as a single woman. Heck I sell "bedroom accessories" for a living so I'm all set in that department! HA HA!!! I swear some days I wish I had a damn time machine....I'd go back to 14 years ago and tell my MM...listen dummy I've seen the future...it ain't pretty and we are still gonna love each other so let's not be stupid about this! Oh well...wish in one hand right!?
frannie Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 As for the "banging" comment...yeah it cheesed me off a little but I felt I had to respond. I wouldn't worry too much about all that. Some people like to come here as their little place to vent and kick the 'moral reprobates' or take it out on the virtual OW because they don't have one at home I love it when people make assumptions... at least they're doing something constructive with their time
Author addicted2love Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 Amen Sister! I think about the things you just said EVERY DAY!!!! Just hard when I look at my kid and think about how it would make her feel. My parents divorced when I was her age. I swore I'd never do that to a kid. That's the hardest thing about this. My H and I even had the conversation (recently) that we could still raise her as a team and be civil to each other and friendly if we got divorced. That's the down side of this whole situation for me. I don't have a horrible marriage...we don't fight...we get along quite well in fact. We are good friends but I don't feel like we are really in love with each other. I know that stuff comes and goes but I think for us it just went and never came back. I need to feel needed, appreciated and wanted by my H and he just doesn't know how to do that for me. We've talked about it I've spelled it out for him and we're doing the MC thing right now. He still doesn't get it. I want to be more than someones maid, cook, accountant, social director and housekeeper. KWIM?
frannie Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I don't have a horrible marriage...we don't fight...we get along quite well in fact. We are good friends but I don't feel like we are really in love with each other. I know that stuff comes and goes but I think for us it just went and never came back. I need to feel needed, appreciated and wanted by my H and he just doesn't know how to do that for me. We've talked about it I've spelled it out for him and we're doing the MC thing right now. He still doesn't get it. I want to be more than someones maid, cook, accountant, social director and housekeeper. KWIM? I felt like that in my relationship before last... love him to bits and I still do, but there is one HUGE chunk missing there and I don't think it could be filled... we're just too different people. I'm sure we'll both be happier with others. He's my best friend in the world and sometimes I'm so sad that it never worked out but we just don't gel... he's dependable, loving, caring, etc. etc. ... but there's something not there and we always fall apart. Have you said to your H that if this MC doesn't work that it's over..? Is he really hearing that..? Do you think you don't have your heart in it because of this MM..?
Romeo Must Die Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 You never know. Maybe the OW is just banging him, LOL. Maybe she's stringing him along all this time just to get into his pants? Tsk! Addicted!!! J/K
frannie Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 You never know. Maybe the OW is just banging him, LOL. Maybe she's stringing him along all this time just to get into his pants? Tsk! Addicted!!! J/K No no no no no you've got it all wrong. Men want sex, women want love... oh, and money. But let's not trash anyone's thread with chit-chat. Someone ought to start a spurious chat thread, being as it's Friday... *whistles*
Author addicted2love Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 The MC is our last effort I think. The void I feel with my H has been going on for years. Has nothing to do with MM.
Author addicted2love Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 You never know. Maybe the OW is just banging him, LOL. Maybe she's stringing him along all this time just to get into his pants? Tsk! Addicted!!! J/K Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!!!! Why do I suddenly feel like taking a road trip? Sorry couldn't help myself!
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