ash519 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 So, last night I brought something up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years that caught him a bit off guard and I probably shouldnt have done it but anyways...Heres the thing: I dont drink, I dont smoke etc...I do however have a great time going out to bars, singing, dancing, being around friends. My bf drinks, smokes and smokes pot. Lately I have noticed that when he does drink, it's a large amount. He doesnt drink every night or even on weeknights really but once he starts he just keeps going.Christmas Eve at my families house (who arent big drinkers) he had like 8 glasses of wine. He was a bit drunk, but he isnt obnoxious and falling all over the place when he drinks. Friday night we had a dinner party with my brothers and a couple friends. He drank a bottle of wine, smoked pot like 5 times and had a couple beers. Saturday night he had a gig (in a band) and he had like 3-4 jack and cokes (not too bad.) Then Tuesday, out of the ordinary, but he had a friend over and we had dinner. Between like 6pm and 10pm they smoked a few times and drank I think about 8 beers each. My bf overindulges. When he uses ketchup it is always way more than he needs...and now i am noticing when he drinks. He got a little mad at me for having the attitude i have about it because he accepts that I dont drink and he doesnt go out that often and doesnt drink on a regular basis. I understand why he would feel this way, and I hate saying this, but it makes me see him in a very immature light. I am ready for real life, financially know, but maturity wise I am. I would love to begin really knowing marriage is in my future and start planning stuff along those lines, i cant wait to have a family. (By the way I am 24 and he is 28.) This all started when his brother was told his band was going on tour in the UK and my bf was really excited and saying how jealous he was. Then I was thinking about if he went over there and the type of things he would do and how he would get messed up a ton. He has never cheated on me and I dont think he would but something like that would be hard to handle. I dont know... Any advice...thoughts?
Touche Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 It's really not a matter of immaturity. He's a binge drinker and is addicted to alcohol. The problem will usually get worse and there's not much you can do about it. It's good that you brought it up with him but now it's all in his hands. You're just going to have to accept him as he is or move on. Hopefully though, you made him think about it at least. What exactly was his reaction when you brought it up? Was he defensive or in denial about it? Did he agree with you? It would help to know what his reaction was.
Author ash519 Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Well, he definately wasnt happy.He did get defensive about it because he enjoys doing it and it doesnt harm our relationship. Is it addiction if it isnt on a regular basis? Most weekends he will drink at most, once, and not at all during the week. There are just some weekends here and there that more things come up and therefore happen more often. When he comes home from work on the weekdays he'll have soda or milk with dinner, even if we have wine or beer in the fridge. He doesnt drink like that alone ever, only when he has friends around. So Touche, would you still consider this bad?
Touche Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Yes, I still think it's an addiction. Normal drinkers don't drink until they're drunk every time they drink. Is it bad? Well, this may not be a PC answer but no. It's not necessarily bad. I mean, I'm not sure why you brought it up with him if it's not affecting your relationship. Are you just worried about his health? If your relationship is not affected by it, then I don't see a problem with it. My concern is that his drinking may escalate. It's the nature of the beast very often.
kindred_soulman Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Make sure you keep hounding him about his actions. This will be one way to make the relationship go south real quick. Seriously though, if you have been with this guy for a long time, you MUST have known he was like this when you met him. So now that you have been with him for a while, you think you want to change him. How was it different in the beginning? My point is, you knew what you were getting into to begin with and now you suddenly think you are better than him and want to change him. Not trying to condone his actions, but just a dose of reality. As a guy, I personally smoke and drink on occasion. I don't need a babysitter or someone controlling my actions - hence why I have been single for 2 years and will probably remain that way for some time.
Author ash519 Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Kindred huh? Thank you for that slap of reality, i needed it. But seriously though, I dont think i am better than him at all. I tend to think of us as equals. Yes, since the beginning he has always been a drinker and he has known since the beginning that I dont love that fact. Recently though I have noticed a pattern and being his gf/best friend/lover for the past 2 years I decided since it does upset me a bit i would bring it to his attention because i dont want to hold it in. It is only recently that I notice him drinking an entire bottle of wine in an evening. Maybe he did do that before but i notice it now. I do understand why you are saying what you are saying, I can see how it sounds and I dont have blinders on to that fact. I love him, drinking and all, but I guess it just makes me look at him a bit differently from time to time, like on Christmas it did bother me. Again, I dont know. . .I keep swaying between "I am wrong and need to chill" and "He is drinking in excess."
kindred_soulman Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I do understand why you are saying what you are saying, I can see how it sounds and I dont have blinders on to that fact. I love him, drinking and all, but I guess it just makes me look at him a bit differently from time to time, like on Christmas it did bother me. Again, I dont know. . .I keep swaying between "I am wrong and need to chill" and "He is drinking in excess." The answer is within you. It is up to you to decide if his actions are conductive to what you want and/or need. I would tell him what your opinion is. Do it in an uncontrolling way. Then stand back and see if he changes. If he does not, then you have to decide if you want to go forward. I would not attempt to force him or give any ultimatums. Bottom line: you can either see past it or you don't. The choice is yours.
amaysngrace Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Personally I think he's using drinking to excess as a coping method. He's feeling jealous of his brother's recent success and you had said he's in a band as well, right? I'm sure that there has always been a rivalry between these two brothers and seeing how one found success before the other is wounding your BF's ego. Most times when people drink to excess there is a problem behind the drinking. I think this would be your BFs. Maybe encourage him to get his feelings of animosity out and help him to find happiness for his brother. Let him open up to you now instead of allowing himself to close off to the alcohol. If you give it your best try yet he still chooses to drink like this, at least you will know you've done everything you could to help him.
kindred_soulman Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Personally I think he's using drinking to excess as a coping method. This may very well apply here. Almost everyone has used alcohol to cope with something, so nothing new there. When / if it becomes a pattern is when the problem arrises. If you defeat this particular reason for him to drink (jealous of brother), it may arrise again everytime life gets difficult. So put out one fire now on to the next excuse to drink...... a cycle. Bottom Line (again): You need to decide what is important to you. In this lies your answer. What is important to you may not be to someone else.
Author ash519 Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Amay- I do think that could be a big part of it. THey have always been in competion with eachother and his big brother always tends to win. But that happend recently, so it could be why over the weekend. I hope there isnt another reason as to why it has happend before. I know he is happy and loves me but we do have our differences, this being one of them. I will try and talk to him though. I already know he is excited for his brother but I am sure there is jealousy there because he told me how 'awesome' it is and would be.
Cecelius Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I'm not sure I see "binge" drinking, personally (I'm not an expert on drugs though so I dunno if that changes things).
TheDC Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I have had alcoholism in my family and I can tell you for a fact that you can be an alcoholic and not drink every night. Simply put an alcoholic is one who has no ability to moderate their drinking or where their drinking interferes with their life and relationships. When one thinks of an alcoholic on typically thinks of the guy who gets drunk every night or is drunk all the time. You can equally be an alcoholic if you only rarely drink but when offered alcohol have to drink to excess every time. I also consider smoking pot on the same level as drinking as it really serves the same function as booze so for every joint just think of that as a pint. If he can't go out and just enjoy a single glass of wine with company then I'm afraid that he's an alcoholic. He has a drinking problem because it has become your problem since it is effecting you. You need to speak openly and honestly with him. You have to let him know that his behaviour isn't acceptable to you. He obviously doesn't see it as a problem but abusers rarely do.
Author ash519 Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 So, I am not going back on what I have said about the amount he drinks from time to time bothering me, but I dont think he is an alcoholic. He CAN control how much he drinks. The other night he played out with his band and only had 3 beers. He really just enjoys letting loose and having a good time, which is normal. All the men around me in my life are drinkers. They drink mostly socially and when they do they drink a lot so they have fun...he doesnt drink nearly as much as his friends do...well, not as often. So, i dont believe him to be an alcoholic and i dont think even Dr.Phil (whom i love) would diagnose him as one. He is young (28), not married (yet not looking by any means) and he has no children. I think he believes now is the time. I understand that. Dont get me wrong, i still dont like it and when we talked earlier today and I listened to his side I do find it hard to say whole heartedly "I understand and it is OK." But it is his life and I am not his Mom and I love him. If this became some every day thing, or he was getting to the point where he was falling on the floor with a bottle in his hand i would think more seriously of this.
TheDC Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Well then what you really need to tell him is when you think that it is and isn't appropriate for him to get loaded. Like not when you are with your family but it's ok when he is out with the boys. I think as long as you tell him that it isn't that you want him to stop entirely but that some times you would like it if he didn't get loaded then that shouldn't be a problem.
amaysngrace Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 He is young (28), not married (yet not looking by any means) and he has no children. I think he believes now is the time. I understand that. I understand that too. I thought that when you said it before. You first drink till you puke (21 or 22) and then you just drink cause you can. You learn how to get better at drinking, so to speak. Just keep an eye on it. If he gets out of control with it then you'll need to address it later on. But for now I think his drinking is normal for his age.
Author ash519 Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Thank you Amay and theDC...I agree with you both. He even said that when i talked to him. He said if i had said to him "Please limit your drinking at my families" he absolutely would have and I know that he would have. I just didnt realize it until i noticed him staring at me. When he gets drinking he gives me this "I want to have sex with you right now" look. We were friends 3 years before we dated and I am the only person i have ever seen him give that look to. If i notice it getting more often i will say something, but i dont think i will have to. Thanks for all the support.
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