Guest Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I am in such a weird situation right now and I don't know what to do. I didn't know which was the right forum to post in either!! I have been married for nearly 10 years and at the start of October I asked my husband for a divorce because I found yet more porn on his computer despite him promising many times over the course of our marriage not to look at it again. I couldn’t count the number of times he promised me never to do it again … yet the promise got broken. I have never refused sex - and actually my sex drive is higher than his, so for him to reject me and yet use porn was more than I could bear. I felt very rejected and unattractive even though I know I am not. It is worth saying that I don’t have a “problem” with porn – just the fact that he was using it despite promising me he wouldn’t … and ignoring me sexually. My H did not want a divorce, but understood that I'd had enough - the trust issue and everything was just gone. I'd fallen out of love with him and didn't find him attractive anymore and there hadn't been proper communication or a proper relationship between us for such a long time. I'd been "working" on trying to fix the marriage for such a long time but his head was firmly buried in the sand. For the longest time I felt unappreciated and even though I KNEW he loved me – I was so desperately unhappy. We agreed he would sleep on the sofa and that we wouldn't do anything until after Christmas as we have two young children aged 6 and 8. I think he assumed that I would eventually change my mind – and indeed gave me many openings to say that I had decided to work on the marriage. Then, shortly after asking for the divorce ... I met someone else. M has been such a fantastic person in my life. He is single, very much my equal on so many levels and we connect so well in so many different areas. It has to be said that the sex is better than anything I have ever had in my life. M is a single guy, my age (H is 10 years older) and wants to settle down and have a family. – it isn’t a problem for him that I have children because as far as he is concerned they come as part of the package with me. Neither M nor I have said those “three little words” to each other, but it has been implied on more than a few occasions by saying things like “I love being with you” etc. My H found out that I was having an affair and said he was relieved because it meant that he wasn't to blame for the breakdown of our marriage. I told him it was never about blame - just about being so unhappy for so many years. He STILL wants to work on it and is prepared to forgive everything. Christmas was very weird. We kept up pretences for the children and just about got through it. Meanwhile I have been under such an enormous amount of stress. H and I had a big row a couple of weeks ago when I said to him ok, lets do it – lets go to counseling and talk it all through and work on the marriage. 24 hours later he was screaming and yelling at me about the hurt and the pain and told me it was over – only for him to turn around a few hours later and say no, it isn’t too late and to please lets try again. After that the stress really hit me so badly. I found myself so depressed and anxious and couldn’t think of anything else. I hit rock bottom and couldn’t get out of it. I ended up going to the doctor and have been prescribed antidepressants. It has now been 2 weeks since the “big” row and H is still sleeping on the sofa, I am still seeing M and my head is a wreck. H doesn’t know I am still seeing M … and M doesn’t know that my husband wants to reconcile. I feel truly awful. H isn’t pressuring me at all for a decision but I know that he must be feeling absolutely awful inside not knowing whether our marriage is going to last. He is basically waiting for me to turn around to him and either say yes, I want to commit fully to the relationship … or that I want to go ahead with the divorce. So many things go around my head. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I decide to give the marriage a shot and find it too hard to give M up? I realise that if I stay with my H then I need to have absolutely no contact with M and I don’t know that I can give him up so easily. I am well aware that a huge percentage of “affairs” never last as relationships once they are out in the open … but what if M and I are one of those that could? M is such a great guy … he really is and after 4 months I think I am falling for him but I am so scared about leaving my marriage incase I regret it. At the same time I cannot go on like this. Please – anybody who has been through this or who can offer me some advice I will gladly listen. I spend my days walking around in a daze … M is on my mind so much and I cant decide what to do.
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