NineGirl Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Hey everyone... Well, I just need some advice/comments/opinions in my little problem that I have going. Last summer I met this guy while we where hanging out with my friend (at the time) and her b/f (at the time.) He seemed really nice and he asked for my number but I just took his down. I knew that his phone was messed up at that time, so when I tried calling him a couple of times, it was off. So, i thought nothing of it and just forgot about it, thinking he wasn't really worth it anyways, but still wondered about him from time to time... About 3 1/2 months later, I ran into him and his friends while we where eating. It was shocking to see him again, and he was so happy to see me. He recognized me from last summer, and all he was saying was how frustrated he was that he didn't get my number, and that he could'nt reach me. He felt that it was "faith" that we ran into each other just like that! We began "talking" and hanging out right after that (this time i gave my number to him), and things seemed really good. My only problem was that he rushed things too fast. About the 3rd week hanging out, I noticed that he was becoming controlling and very jealous towards me. I don't understand why, because we were strictly just friends, and he knew that! He would yell and cuss me out if he found out I would be hanging out with some of my close guy/girl friends. I had told him numerous times that I wanted to take it slow as friends, but he did not budge. He was fixated to the idea that we were meant to be together.. bla.bla.. My concern is that I want him as just a friend, but he does not seem to want that. He's a great guy, but I have told him that I just am NOT ready to be in a relationship just yet...I don't know if it's because I'm scared, or maybe because I can already see the negative sides to him. I don't want to be hurting him, but at the same time he is hurting me because I feel as if he forces me to act like I'm with him, and he already tells his friends that we're together. _what do i tell him??? I DON'T KNOW!
Flyin in Clouds Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Well maybe you could be a friend with benifits because that's all guys are interested in anyway.... Why would a guy want to be "just friends" with you? If there is no sex involved he might as well hang out with guys (unless he's gay of course then that involves sex... so in that case he might want to hang out with females as "just friends".)
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 You can't be friends with someone who 'wants' you. It's not fair to him, and the longer you hang out with him, the less you'll like him because he likes you more.
Capatinacen Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Well I think you can be "just friends" with guys but since he likes you more then that and is physically attracted to you it will be hard. He'll always want to take it up a notch. Plus there is something about that guy that doesn't seem right. In fact if he's like that when your not dating, what will it was like if you did? That will be interesting. Especially if he spazes if you talk to another guy. I have guy friends myself and we are "just friends." I'm not attracted to them and don't see them as people I would date. Same with them and their not gay. In fact some of them have gf's or are married. But I will tell you this. I did have a couple of people tell me before that the reason some guys don't want to be "just friends" is if you can be friends you can be more. Don't know if there is any truth to that but that must have come from somewhere.
stace79 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Agreed...I tried being friends with a few guys that were friends of an ex. They both had little crushes on me, and it just didn't work out. They got annoying, because I could tell they were always wanting more. Plus, they always try to undermine your actual relationship when you have one. You can't be friends with someone who 'wants' you. It's not fair to him, and the longer you hang out with him, the less you'll like him because he likes you more.
IWalkAlone Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 From your message, it's not clear to me that you've told him you have no romantic interest in him whatsoever. You need to tell him explicitly (not by dropping hints), that you're fine with hanging out with him as friends, but you have no romantic or sexual interest in him, so he has no place being mad or jealous because of who else you might be hanging out with, dating, or getting romantically involved with. Then he can either take it or leave it.
Flyin in Clouds Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I have some women "just friends". But I can't ever overlook the fact that they are beautiful women. I don't hit on them or try to get into their panties, but I don't mind looking at them in bikinis.
Author NineGirl Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 Ya I see what you all mean... the thing is, I HAVE told him thousands of times that I really want to be his friend, and that it's not my fault that I don't have those feelings for him. As for anything intimate, we have only cuddle, and kissed; WHICH I FOREVER REGRET doing. Yesterday I told him
Author NineGirl Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 Ya I see and fully agree as to what everyone said! The thing is, I HAVE told him thousands of times that I really want to be his friend, and that it's not my fault that I don't have those feelings for him. As for anything intimate, we have only cuddled, and kissed; WHICH I FOREVER REGRET doing. I guess I am to blame as well... it is never fair to lead someone on, even if you don't know your doing it. Yesterday I told him my part; i said that it isn't fair to him or me; so we just ended it at that. Usually he would call me about 3-6 times a day, but he has not called me once since we talked about that yesterday. I hate the fact that guys can't have "just friends" with the female, but I also can't blame them. It is not fair to see someone everyday and have strong feelings for them, yet know that you do not have those feelings back for him. Aghh... i just hope karma doesn't come back around for me!
IWalkAlone Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Guy's point of view here: I don't know about you, but some women communicate things subtly and expect guys to "take a hint." Some guys on the other hand, have a "do what you say and say what you mean" attitude. These two different communicaiton styles can lead to problems. That's why a woman in your position has to be very clear what she conveys to a friend who wants more than friendship. Now a point critical of guys.... Some guys will stay in frendships with women they have the hots for because they're hoping she'll realize what a hot stud he is and change her mind. Eventually, most of us learn this rarely happens, and that it's a mentally unhealthy situation. A guy who feels romantic or sexual with a friend who is unavailable for this needs to either find another object for his affections, or drop the friendship.
Author NineGirl Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 So bassically...Guys really can't have Girls that are "just friends"??? Will there always be an attraction?...This sucks
Capatinacen Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 So bassically...Guys really can't have Girls that are "just friends"??? Will there always be an attraction?...This sucks No they can but I think it will depend on the guy and whether or ne HE can be "just friends."
IWalkAlone Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 No, there won't always be an attraction, but generally, if a guy you've just met is all over you trying to get you to be his girlfriend, he's not a good candidate for a friend.
Author NineGirl Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 Ya that is VERY TRUE! Well, I'm done with him as a friend because he didn't take it too well when I told him everything. He basically just told me to go F myself and that he hates "girls like me". His last words were ... "I hope your happy and you will find a good guy.. and that guy is ganna be real lucky...this is F-ed up so F you and have a nice life" So i guess he was a little crazy!
IpAncA Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Ya that is VERY TRUE! Well, I'm done with him as a friend because he didn't take it too well when I told him everything. He basically just told me to go F myself and that he hates "girls like me". His last words were ... "I hope your happy and you will find a good guy.. and that guy is ganna be real lucky...this is F-ed up so F you and have a nice life" So i guess he was a little crazy! At least now you don't have to put up with the drama now.
Author NineGirl Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 jUST LIKE THAT QUOTE FROM the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" "Stop falling in love with the first person that shows you the least bit of attention"!
IpAncA Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 That guy sounded like a loser and someone who had issues.
Author NineGirl Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 The movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" has some great quotes! Some of the stuff that Kate Winslets character says relates to me greatly! [sIZE=1][COLOR=#00ffff]Guys' think of love as this concept, like I complete them, or I'm ganna make them alive. I'm just a ****ed up girl looking for my own piece of mind...don't assign me yours... -Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind- [/COLOR][COLOR=#ff0000]**STOP FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE FIRST GIRL THAT SHOWS YOU THE LEAST BIT OF ATTENTION**[/COLOR][/sIZE]
Author NineGirl Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" is one of the closest movies to how I feel love is like! "STOP FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE FIRST PERSON THAT SHOWS YOU THE LEAST BIT OF ATTENTION!"
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 I can't blame him but so much for being upset. You said yourself that you kissed and cuddled with him. You may have been saying "just friends" but you led him on with your actions. A person who has feelings for someone is only going to pay attention to those things that work in their favor. He was looking at what you did, not listening to what you were saying. I'm sure that what he meant by "girls like you" are the type of girls who use the 'friend guy' as a cuddle buddy and confidant, knowing full well how the guy feels about them. They feel taken advantage of and led on. Its too bad he ended it the way he did - it was uncalled for, but understandable.
IWalkAlone Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Also, while there are some guys who move relatively quickly from girlfriend to girlfriend, there are other guys who are told repeatedly my girls they like "let's just be friends." To them, coupledom looks like an exclusive club that is off-limits to them. And when they do occasionally get in, they are quickly shown the door. They feel it's highly unfair that they see other guys get the girls they like, but they're not good enough to rise of "friends" status. That may be why he reacted the way he did. Of course, it's not your job to be his girlfriend. If you dont feel that way, you don't feel thet way, and you don't deserve to be verbally abused for it. Still, if found it interesting how some guys always have a girlfriend and other guys always seem to be "friends." Can you share with us what the difference is between this guy, and the guy who will probably be you next boyfriend?
Author NineGirl Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 Also, while there are some guys who move relatively quickly from girlfriend to girlfriend, there are other guys who are told repeatedly my girls they like "let's just be friends." To them, coupledom looks like an exclusive club that is off-limits to them. And when they do occasionally get in, they are quickly shown the door. They feel it's highly unfair that they see other guys get the girls they like, but they're not good enough to rise of "friends" status. That may be why he reacted the way he did. Of course, it's not your job to be his girlfriend. If you dont feel that way, you don't feel thet way, and you don't deserve to be verbally abused for it. Still, if found it interesting how some guys always have a girlfriend and other guys always seem to be "friends." Can you share with us what the difference is between this guy, and the guy who will probably be you next boyfriend? Can you share with us what the difference is between this guy, and the guy who will probably be you next boyfriend? This question really just showed a whole lot!....I noticed that while hanging out with him, I felt like he just acted too much like a boyfriend would; such as always wanting to hug, little kisses on the cheeks, holding hands in public etc! There were even times when I would feel guilty if i was talking to other guys, and I wouldn't know why I felt like that! I just know myself well enough, and I am not ready to let my guard down that easily anymore! Friends are what I need and a relationship has got to wait... I believe that things like that can't be rushed!...I need to know someone on a friendly level before I can open up for the relationship part....
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