LittleWingedOne Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 This is a long story... so here goes. I used to be on these forums a lot, but got sidetracked. I used to read the OW/OM boards and feel sorry for the women who get themselves involved with men who aren't available. I wondered why they would do that to themselves. Then... it happened. We were briefly involved about a year ago. It was just sex for me, but not for him. When he finally told me he had feelings for me, I was shocked and a bit happy. I saw him in a new way and thought it could really be the beginning of something special. Then I found out he was sleeping with about three other women, including one of my co-workers. We fought. I got mad, and he told me I had no right to since I wanted it to just be sex. I couldn't tell him I had feelings for him now, so I ended the fight and we didn't talk for 5 months. One day he instant messaged me and we began talking again all the time. I remembered why we got along so much and how much fun we had together. Then we started hanging out a lot and he told me he was engaged. I pretended to be happy, while inside I was dying because.. well... I fell in love with him. One night we got a bit drunk and he walked me back to my apartment. When we got there, we just looked at each other and.. well he kissed me. We ended up sleeping together again, and it was amazing. We've been sleeping together now for... 8 months or so. His fiance has no idea, and he has no plans to tell her... or leave her. I ask him all the time why he's still with her if he feels "trapped". So I told him I had feelings for him and he hugged me and said he did too, but couldn't leave his fiance. I know he's not in it for just sex. Theres nights he comes over and we just watch bad movies and laugh and cuddle and sleep. When we do have sex its so amazing.. ughh I love him. I love him. I've never even told him this because I'm scared he'll stop coming over... how pathetic is that? I know he loves me.... Goddamnit. I don't know what to do.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 You know what you have to do. Love or not, this guy is a serial cheater. He has been cheating on his soon to be wife, and he's been seeing you, as well as other women! Don't know why the heck you love him and what you see him in...Even if he were to leave her, and come to you - How long do you think it would be until he started cheating on you?? COULD you ever fully trust him? Please, find the strength and get away from him. If you don't, you are going to be even more hurt, your self worth will go down the can, kiss your self confidence goodbye........Come on, you're smart! Listen to your head, not your heart.
pricillia Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 You know what you have to do. Love or not, this guy is a serial cheater. He has been cheating on his soon to be wife, and he's been seeing you, as well as other women! Don't know why the heck you love him and what you see him in...Even if he were to leave her, and come to you - How long do you think it would be until he started cheating on you?? COULD you ever fully trust him? Please, find the strength and get away from him. If you don't, you are going to be even more hurt, your self worth will go down the can, kiss your self confidence goodbye........Come on, you're smart! Listen to your head, not your heart. Yes I agree totally, if you stopped seeing him for 5 months try for another 5...
Author LittleWingedOne Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 I know you're completely right, but this is actually the first time he's ever cheated. he was in completely monogamous relationships before me and when we were together it was open. I guess I'm hoping he'll want to be with me if I keep him around. I love him because of so many things.... Blah. But I know I should just end it.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 but this is actually the first time he's ever cheated. How do you know that for sure? How can you trust him 100%? I guess I'm hoping he'll want to be with me if I keep him around. You're completely fooling yourself, come on!! Open your eyes LWO. If you stick around, he will just continue to have you in his life and his soon to be wife. Why would he give that up? Think about it. He's got TWO women in his life right now, meeting all his needs. You love him? Let him go. Say goodbye and tell him ONLY to contact you if he has broken off his enagement. If he does love you enough, he'll do just that. If he doesn't, then it just shows he's not as inlove with you as you think. Sorry to sound harsh, but you need to take a big step back and see him for who he is. Selfish...
Author LittleWingedOne Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 don't worry about being harsh. I was the same way before i was in the relationship. its nice to have an outsiders prespective.. and i look pretty dumb. have you ever been the ow, though?
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Nope. Had an online crush thing afew years ago though. Looking back, it was stupid. The whole concept! lol
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 You're not dumb, you're just listening to the wrong body parts, and need to see your situation for what it is.
Guest Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Right now I am the OW too. I have been involved with him for a year. Let me address your situation and I'll fill you in on mine. I think your guy is a complete idiot! First off he's cheating on her before they're married!! Why get married?? That's a guaranteed divorce. Why bother? That actually pisses me off it's so stupid. SO you love the guy but keep mentioning the amazing sex. I really hope that love isn't being confused with lust. What does this guy do for you otherwise? Emotionally that is. Cuddling, watching movies, snuggling are all wonderful. Do you lay in bed at night and wonder why he won't leave? Have you cried yourself to sleep because he won't? When he can't stay does it hurt so much it's almost physical? Have you ever wondered if you weren't good enough or what was wrong with you that he doesn't want to be with you on a full-time basis? If you said yes to any of those I would re-think the love part. When you're in love you aren't supposed to lose your confidence, and self-esteem. Funny how it seems to work that way. I have no idea if my MM will leave his wife. I have heard all of the typical lines. Not 'in love', miserable, soulmates, doesn't get enough sex, stayin for the kids, etc... I can get the opinion of everyone in the country and they still won't be able to tell me if he will leave, if our relationship will last , and if he will eventually cheat on me. Each situation is different and so are the men. The hardest part for me is my MM man lifts my self-esteem, confidence, happiness, and makes me feel like this incredible person....then he goes home and I am crushed. Do I like it? No. Am I a glutton for punishment? Probably. Do I think I am a horrible person for having an affair? Absolutely not. Someone in a different posting wrote that love was a choice. I don't believe that. I believe that everything happens for a reason. If I'm going to be judged oh well. Karma will get me in the next lifetime. Possibly this one. To summarize: How do you feel about yourself because of this relationship? Do you really hate yourself because of it? If yes then you need to get out. It will hurt like hell for a while. You will live through it and can find someone who will give you everything you deserve: respect, love, time, and attention. Good luck!
Author LittleWingedOne Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 I believe in the greatness of cinematherapy... anybody got any movies that would make me feel better about this situation??? heh
Flyin in Clouds Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I believe in the greatness of cinematherapy... anybody got any movies that would make me feel better about this situation??? heh No, but you all could move to Saudi Arabia and convert to Islam. Then he could have his harem. Oh, wait you don't have to go that far. Just move to Utah... Why the hell is everyone so hung up on monogamy anyway? Polygamy has been around for thousands of years.
frannie Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I know you're completely right, but this is actually the first time he's ever cheated. he was in completely monogamous relationships before me and when we were together it was open. I guess I'm hoping he'll want to be with me if I keep him around. I love him because of so many things.... Blah. But I know I should just end it. Well yes he does have many good qualities, in all probability, and you love those about him. But you're not looking hard enough at the negatives. He's not even married to his fiance yet, and he's cheating on her... why is that? Why isn't he going to break it off with her when he knows that he feels so little for her, and doesn't respect her already... not after 20 years of marriage, but right now? I know there will be justifications in his mind, and probably in yours, but look at what he's doing. Is he even capable of respecting someone he's involved with..? Because it doesn't look like it.
frannie Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 No, but you all could move to Saudi Arabia and convert to Islam. Then he could have his harem. Oh, wait you don't have to go that far. Just move to Utah... Why the hell is everyone so hung up on monogamy anyway? Polygamy has been around for thousands of years. Well it's not so much the monogamy for me, as the cheating. As in lying to someone about seeing someone else behind their backs. I agree that poly relationships can work, if everyone involved is aware of what is happening and gives their consent.
Author LittleWingedOne Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Well yes he does have many good qualities, in all probability, and you love those about him. But you're not looking hard enough at the negatives. He's not even married to his fiance yet, and he's cheating on her... why is that? Why isn't he going to break it off with her when he knows that he feels so little for her, and doesn't respect her already... not after 20 years of marriage, but right now? I know there will be justifications in his mind, and probably in yours, but look at what he's doing. Is he even capable of respecting someone he's involved with..? Because it doesn't look like it. you're right. I'm breaking it off with him on Sunday when I see him again. I've been staying with my parents for the last week and I really need to get back to work/life.... I always thought guys would mature as they age. For someone on the verge of 30, he's still 15. Thank you guys.. I appreciate it.
subrosa7470 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 love is only chemical's in the body and they will ware off.Just enjoy the sex for now...
Author LittleWingedOne Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 I don't know about that. I don't think I'm going to stop loving him, which is ok. I just can't keep sleeping with him knowing that somewhere in brooklyn there is a woman going to sleep and has no idea that the man she loves is having sex with someone else. There are days when I want to just blurt out how much I love him... but I know if I do, he'll stop sleeping with me. So.. Sunday I'm going to tell him that I love him, and then tell him we can't do this anymore. It will be a big relief
Author LittleWingedOne Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Update: I woke up this morning in his arms.. after some beers and watching "Event Horizon" I know I have to... I just can't leave him Im not contacting him first anymore....hufeghuehi
Seen_It_All Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 His fiance has no idea, and he has no plans to tell her... or leave her. I ask him all the time why he's still with her if he feels "trapped". LOL - he doesn't feel 'trapped.' Sounds like your typical low life who is getting married so he can have the 'little woman' in place, start spitting the kids out, and continue following his d*ck where ever it takes him. Gone are the days where the redneck daddy has a shot-gun stuck up the groom's nose while he stands before the preacher. What a crock of BULL that this guy is 'trapped.' You can bet your life on the fact that he's feeding this poor woman the typical bullsh*it these scums always feed them - about how he loves her and wants to marry her and have their children. While on the side, he's dipping his wick in anyone who'll have him. I think you're really naive to assume you're the only one he's playing.
mental_traveller Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I've seen that situation many times with guy friends, and believe me he does not love you. What he loves is having someone else he can have a sexual vibe with, less pressure & hassle than his conventional relationship, and an escape from his feeling of trappedness with his fiancee. Note that none of these have much to do with you as a person, they are driven mainly by your position and role of mistress (yes, that's what you've become). So, it's time to put on your sensible hat and ask yourself - am I happy being someone's mistress? Do I think it wise to fall for a cheater & liar? Is it ethical of me to be sleeping with a man whose fiancee innocently thinks she is about to get married and look forward to a lifetime of happiness and kids with her wonderful husband-to-be? Unless you are a total sociopath, the answer to at least one of those questions will be no. So, it is obvious what you need to do - end the relationship permanently. In which case, being "in love" with this guy no longer matters. You have to end it, so you have to get rid of your feelings of love, or if you can't get rid of them then you just have to override them and ignore them. It's that simple. Whether you go ahead or not is up to you. Just be aware that if you continue with him, at some point one of the following will happen: i) he will dump you ii) she will find out and force him to dump you iii) you will become pregnant and he will refuse to leave her iv) you will fall more in love and demand he leaves her, and he will refuse v) he leaves her for you (well it worked with Jack Welch). According to rough statistics, v) happens about 5% of the time. Not great odds, and even if it lasts, you've f*cked over an innocent person to get there. Do you want to live with that? Face reality and get out of this relationship now. If you were true soulmates then he'd already have left her, so you aren't. Forget it.
mental_traveller Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Update: I woke up this morning in his arms.. after some beers and watching "Event Horizon" I know I have to... I just can't leave him Im not contacting him first anymore....hufeghuehi Ok. You've done the major step which is to realise that you need to leave him and end the relationship. You are 80% there already, having made that decision. You just got weak for a while and let him back in - given your feelings, and the fact that we are all human, that's understandable. It's like trying to quit smoking, it can be hard and you can relapse at times. But...you still have to stop seeing him. Delete his number, block his email (change yours if necessary), tell him not to contact you and stick to that. Do NOT meet up with him again. If you really don't feel you can do any of this, and he keeps pressuring you, then tell him that if he contacts you again, you are going to tell his fiance. That will scare him off, I guarantee. Just don't see him again and stick to it this time. Stay strong!
Grinning Maniac Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Cripes, way to be gullable. This guy's playing you like a harp from hell. It's so obvious, and I don't even do this **** to women... He must be sleepwalking his way through it. It was just sex for me, but not for him. When he finally told me he had feelings for me, I was shocked and a bit happy. I saw him in a new way and thought it could really be the beginning of something special. Then I found out he was sleeping with about three other women, including one of my co-workers. We fought. I got mad, and he told me I had no right to since I wanted it to just be sex. Well gee, that's consistant with the last bit. Then we started hanging out a lot and he told me he was engaged. I pretended to be happy, while inside I was dying because.. well... I fell in love with him. One night we got a bit drunk and he walked me back to my apartment. When we got there, we just looked at each other and.. well he kissed me. We ended up sleeping together again... Yeah, because that absolutely wasn't planned from the beginning. No WAY was he already planning on getting into your panties from the moment "walking you back to your apartment" came up. He was going to just walk you to the door and nonchalantly say goodnight. Really. It was all completely spontaneous. Damn, woman, I thought you said that you watch movies...
CaliGuy Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 What needs other than sex is this guy meeting for you? Do you even realize that if he really loved or cared about you he wouldn't be marrying someone else? You do realize that if he can cheat on her with you, he will cheat on you with someone else (and basically has). This guy isn't filling any of your needs but sex. You're in love with a fantasy, the guy you wish he would be not the guy that he really is (and has proven to be). My suggestion is to go find someone who can commit to you who can meet your needs or find a way to meet those needs some other way. This guy is killing your confidence and self-esteem. He's going to use you only as long as you allow him. And don't kid yourself. You're being used in the worst way imaginable. Right in front of your own face.
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