ratingsguy Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 As most of you guys know, my now xMW needs time to explore her freedom and to date a bit now that she's separated. She wants to stay in touch, but not see each other for a while. She thinks that her feelings for me are so strong, and it will cloud her judgement. My question is, how often should I contact her? What should I talk about? And how and when can I ask (in a round about way) if she's ready to come back to me?
stace79 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I am failing to see why people believe someone they "fell in love with" while cheating will ever treat them right... I wouldn't call at all. Let her call you. You will find out really quick how deep her feelings are.
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I agree, wait for her to call you. If she loves you and wants to be with you, she will make effort to contact you, talk to you and make plans with you.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Am I understanding this correctly? I haven't read any of your posts. You were the OM and she left her H, but not exactly to be with you, and now she is exploring her freedom to determine what she wants (presumably you or her marriage)? If I have the facts straight I definitely say don't call her, she'll call you when she has discovered what she wants. But I wouldn't hold my breath, either.
puddleofmud Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Gosh, sweetie, you should be allowed to contact anyone who is a true friend any time you please! I don't wish to be the bearer of bad news, but your recent partner seems to be "moving on" and telling you by not telling you (perhaps thinking this would be more gentle or just avoiding) that this is the case. Wish her the best, as she must be gaining strength within herself and if you love someone that should be what one would want for another. I am sad this is happening to you and I hope that she may come back to you but life is so dang short--I wouldn't like for you or any one to become a sacrificial door mat. You have been placed in a rather unfair situation seeing how you have invested so much and are now getting so little. It's up to you as to whether you wish to continue to torture yourself over this. You may consider that even should she return to you--the relationship has changed and is not the one you both once had. Stand strong, stay kind and be good to yourself!
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 1. My question is, how often should I contact her? 2. What should I talk about? 3. And how and when can I ask (in a round about way) if she's ready to come back to me? 1. Honestly, at this point you should step way back and let her do all the contacting. Any contacting you do is going to work against you. She'll only see it as pressure and resent it. If you absolutely must contact her, keep it to no more than once a week, just to say 'hi, how are you doing'. 2. Absolutely, positively NO relationship or romantic type stuff. Keep it very general, asking about her general well being, etc. The sort of stuff you would talk about with a strictly platonic friend. 3. Trust me on this one. You don't. Anything even with a hint of that to it will be seen as pressure and she will resent that. Right now you have to love her with an open palm, not a closed fist. This is truly a case of "if you love someone, set them free" - that means you open your hand wide and hope she stays at least in the general area of your palm. If you close your fingers on her, even the tiniest bit - she'll run right out of there. She will either choose to stay, or she won't. But that will be entirely her choice, one that cannot in any way be influenced by anything you do or say.
oyster Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 1. Honestly, at this point you should step way back and let her do all the contacting. Any contacting you do is going to work against you. She'll only see it as pressure and resent it. If you absolutely must contact her, keep it to no more than once a week, just to say 'hi, how are you doing'. 2. Absolutely, positively NO relationship or romantic type stuff. Keep it very general, asking about her general well being, etc. The sort of stuff you would talk about with a strictly platonic friend. 3. Trust me on this one. You don't. Anything even with a hint of that to it will be seen as pressure and she will resent that. Right now you have to love her with an open palm, not a closed fist. This is truly a case of "if you love someone, set them free" - that means you open your hand wide and hope she stays at least in the general area of your palm. If you close your fingers on her, even the tiniest bit - she'll run right out of there. She will either choose to stay, or she won't. But that will be entirely her choice, one that cannot in any way be influenced by anything you do or say. I second this post, I would had said the same with less words.
oyster Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 ratingsguy >>> think about this quote from Caliguy: "Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option" think real hard, sticky it to your cell phone. It will help you move on.
frannie Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 As most of you guys know, my now xMW needs time to explore her freedom and to date a bit now that she's separated. She wants to stay in touch, but not see each other for a while. She thinks that her feelings for me are so strong, and it will cloud her judgement. My question is, how often should I contact her? What should I talk about? And how and when can I ask (in a round about way) if she's ready to come back to me? If it were me I'd try not to contact her at all. Let her do the calling, and the dictating of the conversation topics. And let her bring it up if she ever decides she wants to date you seriously. Everyone else is right... she will see ANYthing you do in those regards as a big no-no and it will send her running in the other direction... Not wanting to upset you, but if you haven't already you might want to look up the concept of an 'exit affair'... just in case this is what's happened here.
Author ratingsguy Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Thanks everyone for your advice. The thing is she's very hot and cold... after 22 years of marriage she has a lot of feelings to sort out and needs the time to do it. So I can understand how me, the OM, will cloud her judgement. It was an exit affair, but the feelings she has for me are very real. In my last communication with her, I basically said to take your time, and when you are ready to see me again, we will go slow. No pressure and no expectations. The ball is in your court.
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