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Posted

Quick background (as much as possible).....

 

Been married for 5 years, have a toddler, both have seemingly normal lives.....we both have good jobs, own our own home, fairly comfortable lifestyle, etc. I can say that I love my husband. There are times when we have the most fun together and know each other like no one I have ever known in my life.

 

Now for some things that really bother me.....

  1. When our kid was born, he hardly helped at all....to the point where I had to threaten to leave him because the "women's work" (his words) wasn't fair to load onto me and expect me to work full time. He straightened up and started helping - for awhile.
  2. He's a snob. It's OK to like nice things, but when he doesn't want to hear about my childhood (we were poor) because it makes me sound like a "redneck", it hurts my feelings. He says that's not what he means and that he feels bad, but the way he says it, makes me think otherwise.
  3. We have problems with sex. I had a terrible birth, to the point where my stitches were done in layers and have had a surgery and other treatments to try to correct what went wrong during delivery. Up until 6 months ago, sex was terribly painful, so instead I would do other things to keep him happy, such as oral, but he always complained that he wanted more.
  4. About 6 months ago he and I started having sex again and, quite frankly, it does nothing for me. I do have a sex drive, but there is no interest in having sex with him. I have a terrible nerve problem that requires pain pills and unfortunately, I "medicate" before we are to fool around. Even the Oral at this point is hard to do....I'm just not into him anymore, which is heartbreaking because he's my husband.

Things started to get better towards the end of the year, so we thought we would put our house on the market and "make a fresh start", but when December rolled around, all this crap happened that has made me doubt that decision. The holiday's were pretty terrible (as they are most years because he seems to help even less then), but this year was really bad. I had to put the tree up (which I do most years anyway, but at least he would hang out while I did it) and decorate the house....did all the shopping and he bitched about having to shop for me, which he waited to do 2 days before Xmas, but apparently that was my fault too.

 

At this point, we both work (he out of the home) and yet, I am the one who gets the kid ready in the morning, takes him to school, goes to work, picks him up, goes to the grocery store, takes dry cleaning (if there is any), does laundry and cares for our child in the evening (dinner, bath, bed). The other day he had the nerve to say "I need you to do laundry because I'm out of sweats", when he walks by the laundry room every day on his way to his "office".

 

I find that we argue about my hair color (he wants blonde I like a mix), the length of my hair (he let me know that it's OK to cut 3 in, but no more than that, nice eh?) and he pokes fun at the weight I have gained. He has told me he does that so I will start working out again as he knows I'm not happy with my size (and he's right), but he's still ALL over me for sex, which frustrates me because in my mind it sends mixed messages. He pokes fun at my size (enter my self esteem taking a nose dive) and yet he still grabs my butt and boobs every chance he gets? At this point I'm just really unhappy. Oh and my antidepressants aren't working anymore either....go figure huh?

 

I figured I would have more time to decide what I wanted to do, but we have an offer on our house. I pretty much had a panic attack when it came in and now he's really pushing to find another home and soon. (We haven't accepted the offer yet). I don't want to hurt him, but I feel I deserve to be happy again. I'm the child of a divorced household, so I'm painfully aware of what this will do to our child, which is another reason I have stayed as long as I have. But now it's gotten to the point where our child prefers me because I spend the most time with him, so I wonder how much of a shock it would really be?

 

I'm sorry this ended up being so long (there was so much more I could say), but I'm so confused, scared and unsure of myself. I have brought up divorce twice to him, one time we even went to counseling, but it only seems to make him behave better for a short time and then it's back to his old ways. I know what some will say...."well, he didn't get sex, what do you expect?", but I can tell you that my father in law was the same way to my mother in law (they are now divorced) and before the baby, we had regular sex and he never helped with anything to do with household chores, even though we both worked. I guess it's just my fault for assuming that he would "step up" and be a father/husband when the chips were down.

 

Suggestions? Tips?

Posted

I find that we argue about my hair color (he wants blonde I like a mix), the length of my hair (he let me know that it's OK to cut 3 in, but no more than that, nice eh?) and he pokes fun at the weight I have gained. He has told me he does that so I will start working out again as he knows I'm not happy with my size (and he's right), but he's still ALL over me for sex, which frustrates me because in my mind it sends mixed messages. He pokes fun at my size (enter my self esteem taking a nose dive) and yet he still grabs my butt and boobs every chance he gets? At this point I'm just really unhappy. Oh and my antidepressants aren't working anymore either....go figure huh?

I think if you are going to stay with him and try to work it out , well you know he is how he is ... so you have to change who you are, so this arguing about haircolor thing ~ well just do what you want with your hair , if he says something ignore him . dont complain about weight in front of him , if you start working out just do it and dont let him know about it . remember do things for yourself . I have been working out lately and my figure is improving , my H is noticing but i dont even care because i am doing it for me and that is what you should do . Basically own your home, at christmas if you are doing the tree yourself , then dont think of what he would want on it at all . make it for you and the kids , if he doesnt like it tough poop for him right ...

 

I know what some will say...."well, he didn't get sex, what do you expect?",

no i wouldnt say that .... i would expect that he would be a true man and a good husband by saying to himself that his wife has been through alot and i am not going to make her feel worse , we will try to get the medical help we need to fix the problem or maybe he will try to be a bit more romantic to ease his wife's mind ....when people say "no sex what do you expect" it annoys me because they make it sound like they think that is all that men are living for , like a wild animal or cave man or something , MUST HAVE SEX ~GRUNT GRUNT ~ oh please. we are human , there is more to relationships than that. sure sex is important in a relationship but it should not be a requirement to have sex with your husband if you dont feel like.
Posted

I believe you've just explained a significant part of the reason "why" for the first time in American history, 51% of all American women are not married, and choose not to be married.

 

This guys part of the problem, not part of the solution ~ part of the question, not part of the answers. What have you got with him that you can't get and have on your own?

 

This is so steroetypical. The wife spends years and years trying to get through to the husband, unitil she's had enough and files for divorce. Then he's all kinds of positively motivated to change and to make amends, lamentiing with "I'll change, I'll change!" Oh! He's going to be going through changes alright! Just not the kind that he's anticipated.

 

Who's going to do his laundry, now? He is! Who's going to do the shopping and cooking? He is. His first Christmas in his patetic little place, he'll appreciate all you've done ~ but it'll be too late then.

Posted
I believe you've just explained a significant part of the reason "why" for the first time in American history, 51% of all American women are not married, and choose not to be married.

 

This guys part of the problem, not part of the solution ~ part of the question, not part of the answers. What have you got with him that you can't get and have on your own?

 

This is so steroetypical. The wife spends years and years trying to get through to the husband, unitil she's had enough and files for divorce. Then he's all kinds of positively motivated to change and to make amends, lamentiing with "I'll change, I'll change!" Oh! He's going to be going through changes alright! Just not the kind that he's anticipated.

 

Who's going to do his laundry, now? He is! Who's going to do the shopping and cooking? He is. His first Christmas in his patetic little place, he'll appreciate all you've done ~ but it'll be too late then.

 

Yup...its true.. its true!

Posted

You don't need a divorce ~ nor couseling ~ just sign him up at the local university for Seminars For Men

 

101 ~ You To Can Fall To Sleep Without It

 

102 ~ What To Do With Early Morning Arousal ~ Take A Cold Shower

 

103 ~ Parenting? It Doesn't End With Conception

 

104 ~ The Remote Control ~ You To Can Break Your Dependencey

 

105 ~ Stopping And Asking For Directions Does Not Make You Less of A Man

 

106 ~ Masturbation, Why God Gave You Two Hands

 

107 ~ Wonderful Laundry Techniques ~ You To Can Learn How To Seperate Whites From Colors

 

108 ~ How To Use The Mircowave, Boil Water, Open A Box, and Use A Can Opener

 

109 ~ The Laundry Hamper ~ What Its Used For

 

110 ~ Replacing Toliet Paper and Putting The Lid Down

 

111 ~ Domestic Chores (Slavery Ended in 1865)

 

112 ~ Sex, It Doesn't Come That Easy ~ You Have To Work For It (aka "Meeting My Needs)

 

113 ~ Flowers, There Not Just For Valentines Day

 

114 ~ PMS, Learning To Live and Deal With It

 

115 ~ Romance (AKA "What You Did In the Beginning That You Don't Do anymore!)

 

116 ~ Women Are Much More Than Your Own Personal VLSS, (Vaginal Life Support System

 

117 ~ Intimacy, Seduction, Romance

 

118 ~ You To Can Learn How To Load The Dishwasher, Vaccum The Floor,

Clean A Bathroom

Posted

Have you talked to him about these issues you raise? I have to admit, I would think a caring spouse in the year 2007 would have a clue about some of these things you mention, so that you wouldn't have to bring them up and possibly be labeled as the "demanding, nagging, whiny wife."

 

My H absolutely put in at least half the work with child # 1. (He changed more diapers than me, but I breastfed, so there you have it.) With child #2 he still did more than many men, but not as much as with child #1. With kids 3 and 4, well, they were basically my babies, he was always too busy to deal with them but spent his dad-time with the older (independently feeding and toileting) two. I was extremely resentful - we both work full time. Now that they are no longer babies and I have had some discussions with him about all of this, he is helping me out again. Many days, when I work late, he is the one who runs the house. He's doing a great (not perfect, but great) job, and I really appreciate it and let him know. BUT he had to be told, and that was after we'd already been through it twice before!

 

Your issues go well beyond just childcare. It sounds to me like this guy you're married to may just be a jerk, and nothing to do about it. I'm offended for you at the things he's criticizing you for. I would still try to communicate with him about it, but if you don't see some major work on his part to remedy the situation pretty pronto, then I'd start deciding if this is the kind of life you want to live and have your child exposed to on a daily basis.

 

Good luck.

  • Author
Posted

I just wanted to post a quick thank you for the kind words and the encouragement! I think I know what I have to do, but having the courage to do it, is something completely different. Every time we have discussed divorce, he gets teary eyed and begs me to stay. He then mopes for weeks on end saying that he's worried he will come home one day and I will be gone.

 

And yes, MSally, I have spoken with him LOTS of times about my issues. When our child was 6 mos old he told me that he looked at the items I was complaining about as women's work and then the last time I told him I wanted a divorce (a year ago) he told the marriage counselor that he would have to do the dishes/laundry alone, so he might as well work on keeping the marriage and helping out more. But, he stipulated, I needed to do more of my wifely duties in being sexually open in that I needed to initiate sex, not always tell him no, etc.

 

I read something that Gunny said in another post and I think it really hit home for me. There is just too much water under the bridge and for me (right now anyway) no amount of sand bags are going to fix it. I guess I should take a clue when his mother and sister both tell me that I sure put up with a lot and his sister says she would have killed him years ago. LOL

 

I have kind of drug my feet in the whole moving out, moving on thing because I knew selling the house would take a long time (we have had ours on the market for several months) and the thought of having to co-exist until then, would have been terrible, so I always talked myself into staying. Now, with an offer on our house, it just seems like the door is open, but I'm too worried about hurting him to do what is right for me. And yes, I have thought about my child, a son no less, and how I don't want him to grow up thinking this is the way you treat women, but I guess my staying doesn't say much for my convictions either.

 

You know, I have always thought that I can't understand how people can stay in situations for so long....and that for me it would be an "easy" decision, but now that I'm living it, it's much more complicated than I thought.

 

Thanks to everyone for the support...it's definitely given me something to think about.

Posted
Every time we have discussed divorce, he gets teary eyed and begs me to stay. He then mopes for weeks on end saying that he's worried he will come home one day and I will be gone.

 

Then let him get teary eyed and mope. Don't let his crying act (I'm sure he really is upset, but he also knows by doing that, it pulls at your heart strings) get to you too much. You tell him that if doesn't want that to happen, he MUST get his ass in gear and HELP OUT. To stop being such old fashioned sexest male pig!

 

He has to go to marriage counselling with you, you both need to talk, listen and LOVE again. To respect and honour...Seems he's forgotten afew of his vows.

 

Consider going to one on one therapy, just for you. Someone you can talk to, as well as posting here.

Posted

O.K. let me roll up my sleeves because this is going to take some typing to get thru all this, but you know what he isn't the only guy out there that has thought that way. Belive it or not I was a lot like your H and so I'll put my 2 cents in on how I thought of some of this so maybe it will help you see his side. (I TAKE A BIG BREATH)

 

Quick background (as much as possible).....

 

I can say that I love my husband. There are times when we have the most fun together and know each other like no one I have ever known in my life.

Sure you will have good times, but that is why you married him, but it could be better.

 

Now for some things that really bother me.....

  1. When our kid was born, he hardly helped at all....to the point where I had to threaten to leave him because the "women's work" (his words) wasn't fair to load onto me and expect me to work full time. He straightened up and started helping - for awhile.
  2. He's a snob. It's OK to like nice things, but when he doesn't want to hear about my childhood (we were poor) because it makes me sound like a "redneck", it hurts my feelings. He says that's not what he means and that he feels bad, but the way he says it, makes me think otherwise.
  3. We have problems with sex. I had a terrible birth, to the point where my stitches were done in layers and have had a surgery and other treatments to try to correct what went wrong during delivery. Up until 6 months ago, sex was terribly painful, so instead I would do other things to keep him happy, such as oral, but he always complained that he wanted more.
  4. About 6 months ago he and I started having sex again and, quite frankly, it does nothing for me. I do have a sex drive, but there is no interest in having sex with him. I have a terrible nerve problem that requires pain pills and unfortunately, I "medicate" before we are to fool around. Even the Oral at this point is hard to do....I'm just not into him anymore, which is heartbreaking because he's my husband.

Things started to get better towards the end of the year, so we thought we would put our house on the market and "make a fresh start", but when December rolled around, all this crap happened that has made me doubt that decision. The holiday's were pretty terrible (as they are most years because he seems to help even less then), but this year was really bad. I had to put the tree up (which I do most years anyway, but at least he would hang out while I did it) and decorate the house....did all the shopping and he bitched about having to shop for me, which he waited to do 2 days before Xmas, but apparently that was my fault too.

You don't have to put up a tree, if you want a tree up then I feel that is something you should do because you want to do it. Sure your H could help or at least as you put it stay in the room, but you can't expect that from him because that is his choice. You could ask if he would help and if he said no then you will have to do it yourself for you.

At this point, we both work (he out of the home) and yet, I am the one who gets the kid ready in the morning, takes him to school, goes to work, picks him up, goes to the grocery store, takes dry cleaning (if there is any), does laundry and cares for our child in the evening (dinner, bath, bed). The other day he had the nerve to say "I need you to do laundry because I'm out of sweats", when he walks by the laundry room every day on his way to his "office".

When he grew up did his mom do all the housework and his dad do the outdoors work? I grew up this way so when I got married that is how I thought things were to be done, I did the outside work and the W did the inside work. Sure this works for some people and that is how my folks still do it, but its 2007 and things aren't like they were back in the 60-70's even though some of us think that is how a family should be raised. I used folding towels as an example because when we first got married I guess I told me W that this is how my mom folded them and that's how I wanted them folded.

I think Dgiirl told me she would have just said, this is how I fold the towels, if you would like them done in a different way then you are more then welocme to fold them anyway you would like, but as long as I'm doing it they will be done like this. (or something like that)

If he wanted his pants washed then he has the choice of doing them himself or waiting until you did them.

 

I find that we argue about my hair color (he wants blonde I like a mix), the length of my hair (he let me know that it's OK to cut 3 in, but no more than that, nice eh?) and he pokes fun at the weight I have gained. He has told me he does that so I will start working out again as he knows I'm not happy with my size (and he's right), but he's still ALL over me for sex, which frustrates me because in my mind it sends mixed messages.

O.K. again me!!! When I used to tell my W she was fat I thought telling her would help her see she was fat, I thought this should work because she even told me she was overweight and wanted to lose weight. What I didn't realize is just like you said, I learned you don't tell someone they are overweight that isn't your business and your H is trying to tell you how to run "YOUR" business. There is a difference between discussing a hair style and how you would like to see it warn and telling someone how to wear it. I used to do this with my W because I thought she is my W and she should do these things because she loves me.

So believe me when he gives you a hard time about your weight he really does think he is trying to help, he just doesn't know how to go about it.

 

He pokes fun at my size (enter my self esteem taking a nose dive) and yet he still grabs my butt and boobs every chance he gets? At this point I'm just really unhappy. Oh and my antidepressants aren't working anymore either....go figure huh?

Us men are dogs when it comes to selfish sex, that means we have sex just for us and playing with your butt & boobs is just satisfing his needs. We don't care if it is a silicone boob or sagging old bood us guys will still play with them for selfish sex so that is why he will still play grab a$$ even if he says you are overweight.

 

I figured I would have more time to decide what I wanted to do, but we have an offer on our house. I pretty much had a panic attack when it came in and now he's really pushing to find another home and soon. (We haven't accepted the offer yet). I don't want to hurt him, but I feel I deserve to be happy again. I'm the child of a divorced household, so I'm painfully aware of what this will do to our child, which is another reason I have stayed as long as I have. But now it's gotten to the point where our child prefers me because I spend the most time with him, so I wonder how much of a shock it would really be?

What would be worse, having your child go thru a divorce with you or seeing you in a bad marriage and I have read they can tell you are not happy.

 

I'm sorry this ended up being so long (there was so much more I could say), but I'm so confused, scared and unsure of myself. I have brought up divorce twice to him, one time we even went to counseling, but it only seems to make him behave better for a short time and then it's back to his old ways. I know what some will say...."well, he didn't get sex, what do you expect?", but I can tell you that my father in law was the same way to my mother in law (they are now divorced) and before the baby, we had regular sex and he never helped with anything to do with household chores, even though we both worked. I guess it's just my fault for assuming that he would "step up" and be a father/husband when the chips were down.

 

Suggestions? Tips?

I also went to counsoling with the w and sex is also a issue for us and I thought the same thing, if my W loves me then she would give me sex and she would ask once in a while because I always asked but when you are in a bad marriage why would you feel like having sex with someone that doesn't treat you like a queen?

Again he is being selfish and just looking at himself, he doesn't see the pain you are going thru and again woman and men see sex a lot different. Why do you think a guy can have a one night stand with someone and not even think nothing of it?

 

your H needs to be hit in the head with a big 2x4 and that is the only way he will see the light. My W moved out the first of Sept. and that is what it took for me to really see what the heck "I" needed to do.

You will not be able to tell him, because he has already shown you he won't listen if he doesn't go to counsoling.

 

I have learned what I was the most afraid of when my W moved out was I was going to have to do the dishes, cloths, cleaning, etc by myself but you know what I learned to do them and I know I can do them that I don't need someone to do them for me and that is what he will have to learn.

If my W and I get back together or if I get into another relationship I know I can help out with those things and by doing that my partner won't be tired and she might have time to do those things I would like such as sex.

 

Yes if you share the chores and help each other out don't you think you would feel more like having sex? Wouldn't you feel better about making him his favorite meal? When people treat you good then you start feeling better and you are welling to do nice things for that person.

 

You don't have to get a divorce, but maybe try a separtion and hopefully he will then see what "HE" needs to do to improve himself.

I feel he needs a wake up call and so far he hasn't gotten a good enough one.

I know I kind of rambled but I hope you kind of see what I was trying to say. Lot of his thinking might be the way he grew up and I feel some of the things he says to you he is trying, he just doesn't know the right way to say it. Don't get me wrong the way he is treating you is not right, but he also doesn't know how to treat you the correct way and that is what he needs to learn and for some that is very hard to do, I will have to say it's been a challenge for me.

Posted

Have you thought about marriage counseling and sexual therapy? I think it would give both of you the opportunity to figure out what is the true issues that are bothering you. The ones you have listed seem like everyday annoying things that becoming bigger resentments. I think letting your spouse know where you stand with the marriage and sex is only fair so that he has the opportunity to be consciously involved in change.

 

Have you tried sexual therapy?

Posted
I think Dgiirl told me she would have just said, this is how I fold the towels, if you would like them done in a different way then you are more then welocme to fold them anyway you would like, but as long as I'm doing it they will be done like this. (or something like that)

 

Geez, are you Dgiirl's husband?

 

Us men are dogs when it comes to selfish sex, that means we have sex just for us and playing with your butt & boobs is just satisfing his needs. We don't care if it is a silicone boob or sagging old bood us guys will still play with them for selfish sex so that is why he will still play grab a$$ even if he says you are overweight.

 

But with that being said, as selfish as it is, you still (just like Confused's husband) loved your wife, right?

Posted
Geez, are you Dgiirl's husband?

NOPE!!!!

But she did get the point thru to me that if I didn't like how the W was folding the towels that I can do them myself. ;)

ConfusedAZ's H is the same way, he expects his W to do everything and that just isn't right, he is able to do some of the things specially if they are for him.

 

 

 

But with that being said, as selfish as it is, you still (just like Confused's husband) loved your wife, right?

 

Right!!!!

Sure did

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