herenow Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Some of you may wonder what happens when the MM decides to stay and make his marriage work. Some may not, but here goes anyway. After the initial shock that I can't even describe, the MM realizes that he needs to be honest. He starts with trying to minimize the affair, but either through MC or the BW's constant questioning, he knows that the best way to gain trust is to be completely truthful about even the tiniest detail (if that's what the BW wants). This includes everything that was ever said about anything. The BW wants to know what the OW has been told about her and everything the OW has discussed with the MM. In my case, the OW did not want to ever talk about me, she pretended that I didn't exist, so there was no talk about my personal life. However, she told my H her entire life story and in turn, he told me. I know things about her family, how she feels about the people she works with, the name of the other MM she is ****ing and where he lives (she tried to make my H jealous by flaunting the other MM). I know about her finances, personal things about her past and present. Her sexual preferences and the extra weight that she has tried so hard to shed. Do I need to go on? Basically if I was a cruel and vindictive person, I could destroy her personally and professionally. A BW that eventually decides to leave the marriage has nothing to lose. I'm obviously not going to do anything with the info. I tell you this to warn you about the fact that the things you tell your MM may be the very details that he talks about with his wife. Believe me, when faced with losing everything the MM has no loyalty to the OW. He spills big time.
tinktronik Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I found this to be true as well with my ExH . Even things that I did not want to know he spilled . It was disgusting .
Author herenow Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 I found this to be true as well with my ExH . Even things that I did not want to know he spilled . It was disgusting . Sure, they feel that the more they tell, the more honest they appear. Once caught, they can only benefit by being 100% truthful. I know what you mean about disgusting, I have images in my head that I wish I could erase, but for the most part, I'm glad he is being honest with me.
sadbuttrue Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 affairs are by nature very personal. i dont think the OW worry about what will come out after the affair. i assume that anything MM may say about me is not going to hurt me as much as what he has done to his W is going to hurt her. i am not worried about myself.
cbl Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 i guess when a woman is in love, she tells everything to her loved one. whether she's dating a MM or a single guy. you probably know everything about H's ex-gf before getting married. i find some men do the same too. some single guy who i dated before told me everything about his ex-gf. i am sure the new one knows about me too. my xMM told me all these little details about his w even if i did not want to know. he also told me that his W doesn't know anything about me and truth is her W read my emails to him and she deliberately discussed about me with xMM. i think his W and me both know those secrets that aren't supposed to be told. chances are when a man talks, he talks both ways.... it's a nothing or all situation.... no?
tinktronik Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 chances are when a man talks, he talks both ways.... it's a nothing or all situation.... no? I don't know that this is nessicerily true . Men tend to bash the wife while not spilling too many little details because he would have to expose that his M is not completely as Horrible as he has portrayed . So he may vent about his W but not spill all the details. But he does tend to spill all the details to his W in order to explain how he was "drawn" into the A.
Author herenow Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 affairs are by nature very personal. i dont think the OW worry about what will come out after the affair. i assume that anything MM may say about me is not going to hurt me as much as what he has done to his W is going to hurt her. i am not worried about myself. Good point. I'm just saying that if you are telling the MM about your personal life, you should know that eventually, he may tell his wife. I'm sure the OW in my case would be horrified if she knew the things he told me. And even more, if I told anyone else. She's lucky I'm not looking for revenge.
tinktronik Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Good point. I'm just saying that if you are telling the MM about your personal life, you should know that eventually, he may tell his wife. I'm sure the OW in my case would be horrified if she knew the things he told me. And even more, if I told anyone else. She's lucky I'm not looking for revenge. I would agree , some of the things the EXH told me about a certain girl , i would not even be balsy enough to repeat to her , much less anyone else . It embarasses me that he told me those things.
Author herenow Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 i guess when a woman is in love, she tells everything to her loved one. whether she's dating a MM or a single guy. you probably know everything about H's ex-gf before getting married. i find some men do the same too. some single guy who i dated before told me everything about his ex-gf. i am sure the new one knows about me too. my xMM told me all these little details about his w even if i did not want to know. he also told me that his W doesn't know anything about me and truth is her W read my emails to him and she deliberately discussed about me with xMM. i think his W and me both know those secrets that aren't supposed to be told. chances are when a man talks, he talks both ways.... it's a nothing or all situation.... no? Even if what you say is true (which I don't think it is), the MM usually only tells the OW things about the wife that pertain to him or the marriage. A MM is usually not going to have discussions with the OW about his wife's past personal history. Or his wife's family history or how his wife feels about her friends and coworkers. Or details about his wife's body and sexual preferences. Maybe I'm wrong, but if a MM spends that much time talking about his wife to the OW why would the OW stick around?
Author herenow Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 I don't know that this is nessicerily true . Men tend to bash the wife while not spilling too many little details because he would have to expose that his M is not completely as Horrible as he has portrayed . So he may vent about his W but not spill all the details. But he does tend to spill all the details to his W in order to explain how he was "drawn" into the A. Exactly! Or to prove to his wife that he's being truthful.
sadbuttrue Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 if or when MM's W finds out about me, i am sure she will have questions, and i understand that he will have to answer to them. i feel already feel bad for my part in this A, i can not imagine her pain at finding out and hearing personal details of the R. if some of those details are less than flattering in regards to me, and if that somehow makes her feel even a tiny bit better about the whole situation, that will be fine with me.
Author herenow Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 if or when MM's W finds out about me, i am sure she will have questions, and i understand that he will have to answer to them. i feel already feel bad for my part in this A, i can not imagine her pain at finding out and hearing personal details of the R. if some of those details are less than flattering in regards to me, and if that somehow makes her feel even a tiny bit better about the whole situation, that will be fine with me. I'm not sure that the details make the BW feel any better. It's not about the information for the BW as much as the fact the the MM is willing to tell the truth. However, I can appreciate what you are saying.
sadbuttrue Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 i know that the details themselves arent necessarily what will make the BS feel better, but i would hate for her to think that he was with me because there was something wrong with her. if he tells her some of my flaws, then i could see how that might make her feel less insecure about herself. MM does not tell me anything about their personal sex life, and i do not ask, mostly because it hurts me to think about it. he does tell me some of their personal info, and i do know about her family.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I'm not sure that the details make the BW feel any better. It's not about the information for the BW as much as the fact the the MM is willing to tell the truth. However, I can appreciate what you are saying. As so many people say HN, how do YOU know he is telling the truth? He has lied in order to be in an A...to believe he is telling YOU the truth may be a little foolhardy...he may be telling you what he THINKS you want to hear...
BenThereDunThat Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I think you bring up a good point, HN. I don't so much worry about him telling his W anything, I worry about what he tells the OTHER OW - who works in our HR dept. Because we work together, I used to give him all the dirt. I just marvel at how negatively that whole stupid A has affected so many facets of my life. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!
Author herenow Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 As so many people say HN, how do YOU know he is telling the truth? He has lied in order to be in an A...to believe he is telling YOU the truth may be a little foolhardy...he may be telling you what he THINKS you want to hear... Always a possibility, but so far everything he has told me has turned out to be true. I don't get anything by knowing the details of the OW life except for the fact that he is willing to tell me. He is very embarrassed by some of the things he tells me and there is really no reason or gain that he has to make them up. All I'm saying, one again, is don't be surprised when the MM spills all your secrets to his wife when she finds out about the affair. And if they are things that the W can use to hurt you, you may want to think twice about it. For example, I know that the OW is having sex with another MM, if I wanted to be vindictive or if I wanted revenge, I could call his wife. Or, I could tell her coworkers how she feels about them, and so on. I would never do this because I have decided that my marriage is more important than her. But, a wife who decides to leave the marriage could use the info how ever she wants. Just an opinion, you can take it or leave it.
pricillia Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 So I guess Knowledge is Power and HN has the power. nice for MM telling everything to you about her... makes no sense to me, why is she still being brought up in the marriage... to make her look bad that is why so MM can come out on top... Men!
Author herenow Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 So I guess Knowledge is Power and HN has the power. nice for MM telling everything to you about her... makes no sense to me, why is she still being brought up in the marriage... to make her look bad that is why so MM can come out on top... Men! She is no longer being brought up, I have stopped asking questions and we haven't spoken about her for months, until she called him at Xmas time, and even then, there was nothing left to say about her. Again, all I'm saying to the OW is be careful of what you tell the MM. If there is something that you don't want others to know, don't tell him. Because when the MM is caught, any loyalty he may have had to the OW goes down the drain so that, yes, he can come out on top. Like I said, just some info about what happens after the affair is exposed. Take it or leave it, that's your choice.
pricillia Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 But that goes in any relationship, you have to be carefull until you are sure.
puddleofmud Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 In my opinion "kissing and telling" is just BAD, BAD, BAD! Whenever I am with someone and they try that; I tell them that I find it unacceptable behavior. Nor am I willing to divulge any thing ultra personal about an ex-partner to another unless it's about "feelings" and even then I am very very careful. I tend to speak in generalities. As am example I may say that in a "past relationship" I was with "someone" who was very controlling and it made me feel blah blah blah and I learned blah blah blah. I guess I am a "that was THEN; this is NOW" person. For me it's all about how I expect to be treated and that I express my expectations and I expect them to be met, PERIOD. Frankly, I just don't trust someone who hasn't worked out their issues and burdens me with their baggage, someone who compares me to another in their mind or someone who needs to be "fixed" et al. I do realize that within a betrayal one has many MANY questions, but as to the tiny details, I don't want to know! Actually I feel that when someone does this--they are futhering the betrayal as opposed to righting it and it angers me. I want to know that that partner is going to do to fix things with ME--the heck with anyone else! Although sometimes it is useful: I had a guy actually tell me all about his Ex's sexual dysfunction (which was not something she could help) and I was so turned off that he was HISTORY as soon as it came out of his mouth!
pricillia Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 yeah Puddle, when someone goes to that extreme to go into such detail, there is avoidance of a real problem...
Author herenow Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 yeah Puddle, when someone goes to that extreme to go into such detail, there is avoidance of a real problem... If you read my posts you will see that I admit that there were problems in my marriage that needed to be fixed. We go to MC every Thursday and have gotten through most of the crap. I asked questions because it's my nature to want to know. He answered and I appreciate that. You may not want to know and that's your choice. I will repeat, the purpose of this thread is to give you insight to what happens after an affair is exposed. If you don't care about it, then that's you choice as well.
pricillia Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 If you read my posts you will see that I admit that there were problems in my marriage that needed to be fixed. We go to MC every Thursday and have gotten through most of the crap. I asked questions because it's my nature to want to know. He answered and I appreciate that. You may not want to know and that's your choice. I will repeat, the purpose of this thread is to give you insight to what happens after an affair is exposed. If you don't care about it, then that's you choice as well. I was talking about Puddle and her experience... sorry HN
BenThereDunThat Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I agree with Puddle in that there's really a lot I would prefer not to know. However you acted in your previous relationships, I just don't need to know about that. All that matters is how you treat me, how we get along, etc. Anything someone says negative to me about ANYbody, I take with a grain of salt. For instance, the day I found out I would be working for my boss who just passed away, I had someone tell me, 'you're gonna be working for HIM?! OMG, watch your back!!! He will stab it first chance he gets....' SO not true. Where she got her info from, I don't know. Supposedly he didn't like how someone answered the phone when he called and he 'immediately' had them fired. Uncremoniously even. Just, I don't like her, get rid of her. I knew better than to listen to that kind of crap and he became a close friend and advisor. There's always a little bit of reading between the lines that needs to be done. That said, when you feel you're in love with someone, you paint them in such a rosy light. When I look at how I feel now compared to how I felt when I was in the throes of the whole stupid affair? SO MANY things I ignored because I just.didn't.want.to.face.it..... So he's friendly to the interns? He just wants to MENTOR them, help them find their way...so he's friendly with the girl from HR...they have a lot in common, she helped him when he first moved here....so most of the women in the office can't stand him...they're just uptight and are unhappy in their own lives....so I feel like I can't believe a word he says, that's just my own insecurity and guilt because I know this is wrong.... Plus too, I didn't want to face that he might be a predator because then that would make what I was doing even worse. When he told me he "loved me. Deeply..." of course I was going to believe him. I've been told I was loved before, but never DEEPLY. Wow! What an intoxicant! And to come from someone who holds degrees (something I am kind of bitter with myself about for never having accomplished...), Double wow! Someone who is SMART actually justifies me!!! Looking back now, I see he was working me. From the word go. Again, I can only speak from my experience. I am in no way trying to project mine onto anyone else's. Especially when I don't know anyone else's experiences firsthand. I don't know any of you personally and I certainly don't know anyone's MM personally. Just posting what I know to be true in my situation.
NoIDidn't Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 HN I think Shirley Glass mentions this in her book "Not Just Friends". Its called opening a window into the workings of the A. Once the A is over, it is for the WS to tell the BS how things happened and anything else that the W asks to know (within reason). I do agree with sad, though. We (as in the betrayed) wouldn't exactly go around telling folks the info that our H shares with us because of the reasons for having it. It wasn't painful for me to know the details about my H co-worker. It was painful that he cheated on me. On us. But knowing personal, intimate details about her life and past is empowering in a sense. I don't know what he told her about me. He swore it was nothing bad or damaging (you gotta know, I don't believe that AT ALL). But he told her enough that she went researching me online, she found family pictures, and my profile on Reunion.com. I can't say that I'd tell anyone to be careful, we all divulge quite a bit of info to persons we are in intimate relationships with. Even if it is a false sense of intimacy, for many.
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