volleymom Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 :mad: \ In 2001 I discovered that my husband was having an affair. This apparently happened with someone he met while traveling for business. We have worked very hard to rebuild the foundation of our marriage. Recently, my husband informed me that she has become engaged and is pregnant. He knows this because she has been in contact with him!!! This is extremely unacceptable!! He believes that I'm being unreasonable, and that I should be happy that he tells me about such contact. I wouldn't be at all suprised if she sends him a wedding invitation and a birth announcement! What's wrong with her?
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 What's wrong with her?? What's wrong with HIM!! He may not be having a 'physical affair' with her anymore, but they're having an emotional affair aka their friendship. He MUST end it completely with her NOW. People who cheat on their spouses, cannot be friends with the affair partner! It's not fair to the betrayed spouse!! Did you two go to marriage counselling when you found out about the affair in 2001? You say she's been in contact with him - But obviously he's contacting her as well... IT IS unacceptable, and you need to make him understand that his days of communicating with her in ANY way, is over. Together you two write an email to her telling her goodbye and never to contact him again. And if she does attempt to talk to him again, you mention in the email that her soon to be husband will be made aware of her actions...I highly doubt she wants her him to find out she had an affair with a married man, and is still in contact with him.....
norajane Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 It's better that he's telling you about the contact, rather than hiding it, but has he told you what the extent of their contact is? Maybe you need to ask him some of the hard questions again: It's been more than a few years since the affair, so when did they resume contact? How often does he hear from her? How often does he contact her? Do they talk, text or just email? What do they talk about? Why has he been unable to ignore her contacts? Is he initiating the contact? Your H needs to understand that you are never going to stop being sensitive about this woman, and ANY presence she has in his life is going to make you mistrust him and his motives and his commitment to your marriage. He needs to take you seriously about this, understand you, and agree that he needs to completely eliminate their contact.
lovelorcet Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 The A is only over when NC is maintained. It is your right to ask him for NC. And you have every right to bust his balls now... What an a**hole...
Salicious Crumb Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 :mad: \ In 2001 I discovered that my husband was having an affair. This apparently happened with someone he met while traveling for business. We have worked very hard to rebuild the foundation of our marriage. Recently, my husband informed me that she has become engaged and is pregnant. He knows this because she has been in contact with him!!! This is extremely unacceptable!! He believes that I'm being unreasonable, and that I should be happy that he tells me about such contact. I wouldn't be at all suprised if she sends him a wedding invitation and a birth announcement! What's wrong with her? You are not being unreasonable...it is HE that is unreasonable to be a damn cheater. Your husband doesn't sound like a man that is interested in doing the right thing...I mean really...he cheats, yet YOU are unreasonable to him? Please...someone slap the dog***** out of this guy. So what are you going to do?
LakesideDream Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Whoa! The leaps taken here are really big ones! I the dim past, I received "baby announcements" from ladies I hadn't heard from in many years. I even received a "grandbaby" announcement through a Classmates.com generated email from someone I dated twice in High School.... Thirty Five Years ago! Beware the term, "Emotional Affair". It's an easy one to abuse.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Beware the term, "Emotional Affair". It's an easy one to abuse. Not when he's in contact with the woman he had the affair with in 2001! Did ya miss that part of her post???? When a spouse cheats, and the other person finds out, the cheater isn't supposed to stay intouch with their affair partner. That is how it looks, atleast from what she's said in her post.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 He believes that I'm being unreasonable, and that I should be happy that he tells me about such contact. Actually, I think it's a good sign when he tells you about contact. It means that he's feeling emotionally close enough to tell you things you might not want to hear. Try not to overreact. You don't want to discourage him from talking to YOU. You want to discourage him from talking to HER, right? It's unfortunate, but sometimes a guy doesn't really believe he cheated unless he had sexual contact. This might be a good time to have another talk with him about emotional intimacy, and how his sharing with another woman took something special off YOUR plate. Let him know you value it and don't want to lose it again.
cranium Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 .Actually, I think it's a good sign when he tells you about contact. It means that he's feeling emotionally close enough to tell you things you might not want to hear. Try not to overreact. You don't want to discourage him from talking to YOU. You want to discourage him from talking to HER, right? I agree with Ladyjane. My wife had an affair with a former co-worker and I know they are still in contact from time to time. She's promised to tell me if that happens; sometimes she does, but not always. Now, I could get all bent out of shape and upset and hurt b/c my expectations of absolute NC aren't being met. In essence, create upset for and within myself; they're my expectations. My wife is not upset about being in contact with him (maybe a little guilty, I don't know) and he most certainly isn't bothered about being in contact with her. I do know they are not "sharing" with each other anymore and their "friendship" won't ever be what it once was. There's been enough time and distance between them (her A ended in 2004) that I don't sense any remaining EA ongoing. We've also worked hard to rebuild our relationship and we both seem in a good place. I wish she would never have contact with him again, but that's not always within her control. I also know her actions aren't about me, so I'm not going to stress myself out too much. Your husband and his xOW's actions are not about you. Each of us has our own little dream we are living; we have the starring role and everyone else is a supporting character. Don't take their actions personally. Easier said than done, I know. It's been more than a few years since the affair, so when did they resume contact? How often does he hear from her? How often does he contact her? Do they talk, text or just email? What do they talk about? Why has he been unable to ignore her contacts? Is he initiating the contact? Your H needs to understand that you are never going to stop being sensitive about this woman, and ANY presence she has in his life is going to make you mistrust him and his motives and his commitment to your marriage. He needs to take you seriously about this, understand you, and agree that he needs to completely eliminate their contact. Norajane has provided some good questions if you feel you need more of an explanation from your husband; complete any undelivered communication. My wife knows that I won't ever stop being apprehensive about her xOM, but I'm not going to mistrust her or her motives or her commitment to the marriage because she might encounter him. His presence can't make me mistrust her; that's a choice I'd have to make. Right now, I'm choosing to trust her.
herenow Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 You didn't say what the actual contact was. Did she call him out of the blue to tell him this info? Has he been speaking to her on an on going basis? If she is calling him, then he must tell her with you there that she should no longer contact him. If he has been talking to her more than this once, he has a problem you need to deal with.
Kinger25 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 :mad: \ In 2001 I discovered that my husband was having an affair. This apparently happened with someone he met while traveling for business. We have worked very hard to rebuild the foundation of our marriage. Recently, my husband informed me that she has become engaged and is pregnant. He knows this because she has been in contact with him!!! This is extremely unacceptable!! He believes that I'm being unreasonable, and that I should be happy that he tells me about such contact. I wouldn't be at all suprised if she sends him a wedding invitation and a birth announcement! What's wrong with her? In 2001 I discovered that my husband was having an affair. This apparently happened with someone he met while traveling for business. We have worked very hard to rebuild the foundation of our marriage. Recently, my husband informed me that she has become engaged and is pregnant. He knows this because she has been in contact with him!!! This is extremely unacceptable!! He believes that I'm being unreasonable, and that I should be happy that he tells me about such contact. I wouldn't be at all suprised if she sends him a wedding invitation and a birth announcement! What's wrong with her? The problem is, alot of the OW who were second party to these affairs never quite realise all of the pain and suffering that they cause to the BS. I mean, she probably doesn't have anything other that platonic feelings for your H now, especially seeing as the A was 5 years ago and she has moved on and has a new life with someone else now. She more than likely thinks that contacting your H is no big deal. She has no idea as to how difficult it is to rebuild a relationship / marriage after infidelity and that the trust between H & W is completely shattered. In a stupid kind of way she probably didn't mean any harm? However, in saying that it does seem a little bit strange that she is contacting your H 5 years after she had an affair with him. Why suddenly out of the blue is she calling him. If it were me in her shoes, your H would be the LAST person that I would call. Something does seem a little odd here. I think you do need to ask your H about this, but like LJ said, you want your H to continue talking to you and being honest so be careful how you broach the subject with him. Dont scare him away so much that he then feels as though he has to start hiding things from you again.
BeenAround_N_Back Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I would be curious about the often these contacts were or she called him out of the blue to see if she could spark up some jealousy from him? Yes, it is good that he tells you these things but you also have the right to know what else and how often they are talking.
a4a Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I would be curious about the often these contacts were or she called him out of the blue to see if she could spark up some jealousy from him? Yes, it is good that he tells you these things but you also have the right to know what else and how often they are talking. Better yet he needs to point blank tell her to go jump in a lake and if she calls writes or sends smoke signals for him to ignore her. He does not have to take her calls, nor talk to her.
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