candy Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Been dating a guy for almost 3 years; he's divorced with 2 kids. He has a female friend who has 2 kids in close age to his kids. They've been friends for about 5 years. I see him every other week-end when he doesn't have his kids. On occasion I see him and the kids, but I have a life too so when he has his kids I do other stuff usually. This female friend and their kids "hang-out" often. I do not like this woman. I think she would love a romantic relationship with my BF. I do belive him when he says it's strictly platonic, he has other female firends I like and trust. But I do not like or trust her, and when I ask him not to hang-out with her and her kids--it's like they are some sort of family. But he says I'm being controlling and they are just all friends. I cannot get him to see my point on this, so I sit and wonder if they're all together and it drives me nuts. Otherwise, he's a greay noyfreind and things are mostly fine. Advice??
Guest Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 Him having a platonic or other close friendship with her should normally be just fine. But if you are right that she ultimately wants to push you out of the picture, then beware. Do you have a real basis for thinking she's that type? If it's possible to talk with her about your concerns in a pleasant way, that would be ideal. If not, at least ask your partner to let you know if she starts getting possessive on a deeper level.
Author candy Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 i just have a sixth sense about her...he has other female friends i like. however, htis one is sneaky and way too inolved in his life. i t would be a different story maybe if she had tried to be my friend, too, or explain to me, listen, i like him as a freind, our kids like each other that' it. but if i don't like her and want their friednship over i would tihnk that would be enuf for him. i would do the same for him if the shoes were reversed! they became friends after his divorce, but his life is different now.
Topper Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 If her kids and his kids are friends then it is going to be very difficult for him to stop seeing her without hurting his kids friendships. That could put you in a very bad position. Every time you argue with him over this it drives a wedge between his wanting his kids to be happy and his desire to please you. Keep it up and if he is any kind of a father you are going to lose this fight. The best thing you could do would be to get more involved with him and his kids. When her kids come over to play, you are there. Your involved and part of the family unit, not just someone who sees daddy on the side. You in a very non confrontational way have asserted your position.
Krytellan Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 If her kids and his kids are friends then it is going to be very difficult for him to stop seeing her without hurting his kids friendships. That could put you in a very bad position. Every time you argue with him over this it drives a wedge between his wanting his kids to be happy and his desire to please you. Keep it up and if he is any kind of a father you are going to lose this fight. The best thing you could do would be to get more involved with him and his kids. When her kids come over to play, you are there. Your involved and part of the family unit, not just someone who sees daddy on the side. You in a very non confrontational way have asserted your position. How long are you going to continue posting about your relationship? Until someone tells you to leave him? If you are feeling this compromised maybe you need to consider moving on. It seems like you're fishing for validation for hating him or something.
Topper Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Krytellen, Is that directed at me or the OP?
Krytellan Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Oops, meant to quote the OP there... too early for me yet apparently. My note ws to the OP
Topper Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 No worries i had my coffee this am so the beast was at bay. Otherwise i might have flamed
brokenhart2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I also think you should try to be more part of the "family" as well...maybe ask him if you can come along sometime when they hang out with each other and their kids. If their relationship is truly platonic, neither of them should have a problem with this, in my opinion. And, you might be able to tell by the woman's reaction if it bothers her or not. But even if my boyfriend swore he didn't have feelings for her or whatever, I don't know if I could get past what HER intentions might be. Explain that it's not him you don't trust, but it's her. However, like someone already said here, when kids are involved he's only going to do what he thinks is best for them. Is there any way they could hang out a little less often? It's almost like you WOULD have to talk to her yourself, and get something that guarantees she doesn't have intentions to knock you out of the picture. But of course, she can always play it off as though you are being controlling just like your BF. Then it would be like it's them against you. I don't know, but if it was me personally, it would take a WHOLE lot of something to make me comfortable with their friendship. If they are not capable of welcoming you into this "family" unit of theirs without prejudice, then apparently he doesn't want you involved in that part of his life, and at that point I would think it's wise to get out of his life all together.
norajane Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Been dating a guy for almost 3 years; he's divorced with 2 kids. He has a female friend who has 2 kids in close age to his kids. They've been friends for about 5 years. I see him every other week-end when he doesn't have his kids. On occasion I see him and the kids, but I have a life too so when he has his kids I do other stuff usually. If they have been friends for 5 years, they're not going to just stop being friends because you think she would like him for herself. Even if she does want him for herself, he's had 5 whole years to start dating her...odds are he doesn't want to date her. Spend more time with him when he has the kids. Let the kids get to know you as someone important in their dad's life, AND as someone who wants to know them and not just their dad. If you develop a relationship with the kids, then when you hang out with them and this other woman and her kids, you won't feel so left out because the kids will include you, too.
Star Gazer Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 If you are feeling this compromised maybe you need to consider moving on. It seems like you're fishing for validation for hating him or something. Exactly. And given everything the OP has said, there isn't any justifiable reason FOR hating him. Move on and find someone else who can and wants to meet your incredibly high expectations.
Author candy Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 don't think my expectations are so high! just a BF who loves me and wants to spend time with me. i could see if him and this woman were friends since childhood, he has female friends like that an d I have male friends..but thi sone came in his life after his divorce...well, he's not that same guy. his kids have other firends..why is this little grouping so darn important? and why are my wishes to him such a nuisance? i do plenty for him! don't think he wants her in any way. but also don't think its healthy for our future to have a female firend hanging around probably bad mouthng me, insinuating hereslf into his and his kids life.....
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