Tangerina Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I feel like this will all blow over soon but I kind of need someone to talk to since I don't want to make a big deal about it with my other room mates, but basically my room mate D is my best friend and we have been friends for about a year and have been living together with 4 other roomies for 4 months and we spend a ton of time together and do everything together and get along so well.... ridiculously well... like a comedy duo or something, haha. Recently a good friend of ours, who was already a friend of everyone in the house and normally hung out here a lot, became my boyfriend... which everyone kind of saw coming since we got along so great and everyone was happy about it at the time. But thing is, since that happened my friend has been acting subtly weird to me. I totally understand that it can be weird when a friend starts dating someone and they lock themselves away and disappear, but that hasn't been what I have done at all but she is acting as if I have. I understand why she would back off if we are watching a movie on the couch or have gone to bed in my room, but 90% of the time things are just like they always were and we are just hanging out in the house, casually, not touching or kissing or anything, with all the other people here, and he'll be talking to another room mate or friend, but even in group situations she is acting weird to me. It kind of came out tonight because the boyfriend and I were going to a game night at another friend's house, and D had even helped start the first game night and of course she was invited, but she said she didn't want to go unless another roomie went because I was "going as a couple." (Background of the game night, she knew everyone else who was going and I was the only couple so it wasn't like a couply thing, and she, I, and the boy had all helped found and plan the game night) I told her that was silly because we weren't going in order to do something together as a couple, we were going to hang out as individuals with a group of our friends which includes her. This made me feel really sad and also a little guilty even though logically I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, so I brought it up with her a bit later and said "look, it would make me really really sad if you thought of me differently or thought that I felt different about you because I am dating someone... yeah I want to get to know him better and want to spend some alone time with him, but you will always be way more important to me than any guy and I feel like I have tried to show you that and keep things the same, and it really bothers me that if he is even in the house you treat me differently even though he has been hanging out here as long as we have lived here, or that you would go to a party with me if he wasn't coming, but because he will be at the same party you don't want to go with me." Things have even been a little weird when he isn't around, as if she doesn't trust in my friendship as much. I told her that as much as I am really excited that things are working out romantically with this friend, he could never be as important to me as her and I am way over that phase of life where you disappear when you are dating someone.... I'm a senior in college and I have a well developed life that my friends are a big part of and I'm not about to change it drastically for a guy. He is a grad student and has his own even busier life as well. I just don't know why she feels this way, not to project but I feel that it probably comes down to the standard jealousy thing, jealous of him that he gets some of my time now and jealous of me that I am dating someone. I think part of the problem is that she hasn't dated someone in a long time and it has hurt her self confidence in that area even though everyone who knows her thinks she is the brightest star in the sky. It is just really hard to meet someone in our crazy little group of friends where everyone knows each other too well, I'm lucky I was able to develop a good connection with my guy... D is the best, I just think maybe she takes it personally that it was easier for me to jump into dating three months after my break up this summer because I have more experience and confidence, when really she has just as much going for her as I do. Right when I was getting together with my guy she had a "after two dates turns out I don't actually like him" thing with someone else that she thought she was really into at first that shook her confidence a bit but things were going so well for me I wonder if that hurt her feelings???? Bottom line, I know this stuff is natural to a certain degree but I really don't feel I deserve the level of alienation I am feeling from her because I have done everything I can to just keep things normal in the house and even though he is over here a bit more than he used to be things are still pretty much just the ladies hanging out and it is good but it really hurts me how cold she gets when he is involved, especially since they are good friends too. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone outside of my family and I just want her to be happy and not feel anything weird about the fact that I am dating again.... like I said at the beginning of this rant, I am sure this will blow over soon, you know how it is the first time you have a weird thing with a really good friend, it always seems like a bigger deal than it is, but I am so sad that she is treating me differently that I don't know how to interact...... hopefully things will be fine tomorrow, tomorrow is an all girl day and maybe I can get her to go to lunch with me... my hope is that our talk today sunk in and she really heard me tell her how important she is to me no matter what is going in with me romantically and things will be fine. It isn't that things have been weird every second, I just want no tension over men!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel hurty inside, thanks for letting me talk, like I said, I couldn't really talk to other roomies about this because I have a strict no gossip in the house policy.
Rooster_DAR Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Break your sentence up, their are too hard to read. Bumped!!
norajane Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 As a good friend, she should be happy for your happiness. But yes, she'll be a little jealous at the loss of your undivided attention, and she may be a little jealous that you have a guy in your life and she doesn't. I think you've done everything you can to include her and reassure her that your friendship matters to you. The rest is up to her - she has to do the hard work to BE your friend and get past her feelings. Just keep the communication lines open, continue including and inviting her, make plans for you and her to something together, and let her know that you are still there for her. She'll either come around or she won't, but you can't do much more than you've already done.
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