flubby Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 hallo, it's been a long time since i've last posted here, been lurking around though.. ^^; anyway, (as the title of the thread suggests) i need help! I've been with my bf for more than a year. He's a great guy, patient, sweet, funny, loyal, always there for me, dependable, basically everything I've ever envisioned in a guy. I'm absolutely comfortable with him, and I tell him almost everything and all my problems. But still, I can't decide if I'm in love (ie romantic soul mate love) or just best-friends-love. See, I knew when infatuation ended when our relationship moved out of its honeymoon phase. On some level, I know I've learnt to look past problems I once found in him, in the sense that I know he's not perfect, but it doesn't change my, well, affection towards him. Over time, I've come to realise that I've been seeing it as something him, and that's why I love him anyway. But the problem is that I don't know if I still see him as a friend or not. Because, whenever we quarrel (not very often), when we're both upset, I often think, maybe we aren't meant to be together. There was a phase where both of us were so stressed out and upset with each other so much that break up was constantly on my mind. But later on, when we made up, I confessed to him that I almost gave up on us. And he asked. how can you give up something, this thing between us so easily? Does everything not matter to you? And that's what plagued me. Granted, its part of my character that I admit defeat rather too easily and quickly sometimes, but if it's the love I'm looking for, ought I be giving up so easily? Also, because we were classmates, we spend loads of time together, and even when school's out, we're almost in contact 24/7, with stuff like msn and handphones.. And last week, he enlisted in the army (guys in my country have two years compulsory national service) and I haven't seen him for almost a week.. The first two days after I had absolutely no contact with him (except for about 10 mins at night when he calls), I felt so lost. And it scared me. I never realised how much a part of my life he was til now. Or rather, how much time of my life was spent with him. Then after the next few days, the feeling began to die down, and I enjoyed the freedom. Because, on some level, I was actually scared that my world revolved around him. Sometimes to the extent that I couldn't feel who I was anymore. It was as if both our lives just blurred together. But, should it be this way? Or am I enjoying this so-called freedom a little too much? How entwined in each other's lives should a couple be? And on top of that, sometimes, I can't help but wish this relationship came later in life. I never wanted to start dating til about 20, or at least past 18. Because I never felt I was mature enough. And I was right, I can't handle this sometimes. It's like, this guy's perfect for me, but I wished it could wait a few years and allow my to grow individually, into myself first. Sometimes I just want a few years to experiment, to flirt, to chill. Because I'm not ready to settle down yet. I know he is, cos he's had 8 exes, from the time he was about 14. But this is my first relationship. And its these uncertainties that plague me. How do I deal with them? Sometimes I wanna take a break, but I doubt we'd be the same after that, even if we could get back. Also, what's exactly is love? Am I supposed to feel the butterflies everytime I see him? Like be ridiculously happy? I mean, I'm happy being with him, but not over-the-world. And on romantic occasions when he does something sweet, I feel like i'm bubbling and overflowing with happiness. But I'm afraid that this is a manufactured feeling. Am I supposed to feel it all the time? Is this love? Or is it the steady companionship, the feeling of dependency that counts?
BlueEyedSarah Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Sounds like you don't fully understand your feelings or love. I think a break might be a good idea just to see how you feel about him because you don't want to lead him down the line beleiving you are both soul mates and later find out your not. You would have missed other opertunities.
Author flubby Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 hmmm, a break? I've considered that before.. But it would ruin all things between us, permenantly. Even if we did get back together later, there'd always be this shadow on our relationship. I don't want to lead him on, but I don't want to kill this thing we have between us just because I can't be clear on my own feelings.. Its too precious for me to lose. I wish there were some way I could tell or know for sure.. =(
Author flubby Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 Oh yeah, another question.. Should I talk to him about my insecurities? Or should I keep it to myself? I know alot of you guys would prob say talk things out between us.. But I believe some things can't be discussed.. They'd just ruin the relationship.. Opinions, anyone? =X
Author flubby Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 Oops, I should really stop adding stuff to this.. But. http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/col/tenn/2005/10/04/intention/index.html Read this guy's letter. This is partly (mostly) how I feel right now.. BUT not about the ****ing around part.. Just the general feeling of not being ready to settle.. Like, I'm missing out on havoc-ing around, hanging with guys freely because I'm single, etc. my boyfriend's had four years more than me to do this, and he has already done it. That's why he wants to settle, I can sense it. But me, I know rationally that he's the one for me, my heart knows that there's probably no other guy that's as compatible or as sweet, but I just can't shake this nagging feeling off. Will this feeling go away? This feeling of not being able to settle down.. What should I do?
Rooster_DAR Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Oh yeah, another question.. Should I talk to him about my insecurities? Or should I keep it to myself? I know alot of you guys would prob say talk things out between us.. But I believe some things can't be discussed.. They'd just ruin the relationship.. Opinions, anyone? =X That's the whole point of communication, both parties need to be mature enough to swallow the truth. You should be able to talk to your partner about anything . Plus being open will cause someone to appreciate you in the long run, so I would lean toward open communication. Cheers!
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