sungrl Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I have been with my b/f for almost 2 years. He has paid for mostly everything. I pay for things here and there but its mostly him who pays if we go to a movie or to dinner or to a bar or for take out. I work part time b/c i am a full time student. Therefore, he does have more money than me. Now i am looking for a full time job but with that full time job--i will be in debt with student loans so its not like this money i will be partying on and i think i will have more debt than my b/f but he mentioned that when i get a full time job we can split things more often. In my mind..i am thinking..for 2 years he has been paying for most things..(and last year he said we needed to cut back and we did) and now i feel like he doesnt want to pay for anything. He said he got angry with me for not agreeing and said what happens when it comes time for marriage. To me, marriage is a WHOLE different thing b.c u arent dating anymore and its not separate money anymore. Its money earned together. But despite this, he obviously wants me to chip in when i get a full time job. Would any other girls feel somewhat the same way i do..that he was paying and now all of a sudden doesnt want to. Thats the way it makes me feel and he is mad that i said. He said he didnt have an outline of what would be split but he imagined me splitting things. Do you think this is right? or should this be different when i am actually married to him. I feel like while dating a guy should still pay for most things...I probably sound selfish to some but thats how i feel. I know i am not selfish--like if i get a full time job, of course i would offer but not EVERYTIME we go somewhere. I dont think this is what he means but its just a confusing situation for me. Any thoughts?
Lostgurl Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Money has never been an issue with me and my bf. When he was living here with me, and he had extra money after bills, etc. He'd spend it on us. As well as when i got paid and he was broke. It was ALWAYS this way with us. I never expected him to pay for anything and he never did either. Who ever paid for a movie, or drinks for us to stay home with, or dinnner out. It was always dependant on when the situation arose and who had money in thier pocket.
Author sungrl Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 you make a good point. I think i would feel differently if i first met my b/f and he wanted to split everything. I guess i am the type who feels the guy should pay particularly when starting out. But seeing as though its been 2 years, things are more serious and its time for that to change right? I guess i felt if the guy is interested, he will pay.
TheDC Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 For me the rule is if I ask her out then I pay and if she asks me out then she pays. For common stuff like activities that we both want to go to or dinners we both decided to go for or whatever then I fall back on what Karl Marx had to say about this. "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs."
bab Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Hmmm.... I agree with your bf. He's been footing the bill for almost everything for 2 years because you couldn't afford to do so. Now you can (or will be able to do so). Seems fair to me that you start splitting things. No, that doesn't mean that you pay EVERY time, but more like half and half. Marriage is different, but hey, you aren't married.
princessa Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Whoaaaaaaa.. So what makes you think you're entitled to expect your guy to pay for everything even when you have a full-time job?? You're not even married or even engaged, and you already expect him to support you?? If I were your bf I would feel insulted as well. It makes sense for the partner who earns more money to take care of the other partner in times of need, but it should be done out of goodness and free will, and appreciated by you as a favour and met with immense gratitude form your side. But once you start to expect those things from him, it becomes a huge turn off and reeks of selfishness. Even without a job, you shouldn't expect your bf to support you until you're engaged. You also don't sound grateful at all for everything he does for you. My 2 cents.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I've been with my boyfriend just a little longer and money has not been an issue with us either. In the beginning I had more expendable cash than I do now and I often paid for dinner or paid for some of our drinks. I don't have as much money now, and he often pays for everything. It is hard for me to explain to him that I want to pay sometimes and that if it wasn't within my means I wouldn't offer. In your post you stated that with a full time job your BF said that you could "split things more often" and go on to state that you "feel like he doesn't want to pay for anything." That is confusing to me. The simple answer is to offer to pay or cover part of the expense when you can afford to, and when you can't, say that you can't afford it. My BF would rather pay for me than do something without my company. Based on your past, maybe your BF feels the same way. Cross the bridge when you come to it. Worry about it when you need to worry about it.
bluechocolate Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 ...but he mentioned that when i get a full time job we can split things more often. And he's right. Why shouldn't you split things "more often" (I note that he hasn't said split everything all the time). Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. But wait, you.... .....feel like while dating a guy should still pay for most things... Maybe you should find yourself another guy to date then.
princessa Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I feel like while dating a guy should still pay for most things... Then be prepared to cook and clean and be a housewife once you do get married. Strong men are attracted by strong independent women. Men who will insist on paying for everything when he cannot fully afford to are old school, and most of them will like old school women who will depend on them and be kind of submissive. If that's what you're looking for, then you should probably look for another guy to date because clearly this guy expects a parnter who will be his equal, and this includes sharing expenses. Like I said, for most people it's a turn off when a partner is reluctant to positively contributing to your life, be it emotionally of financially. But maybe equality in a relationship is not what you're looking for....
Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 when me and my boyfriend first got together he paid for a lot for me. when we actually settled into a relationship, we now usually take turns paying for things. he is the first guy i have ever dated who didn't want to pay for everything all the time. he has a lot more money then me so he pays for more expensive things that we do, but i still pay for stuff too. other guys that i have dated have paid for everything for me, and sometimes i do miss that with my boyfriend cause i really dont have that much money because i'm still in grad school. my boyfriend says he doesnt want any girl mooching off of him because he has a good paying job, however he has bills up the freaking wazoo so he has very little extra money to work with. i guess i can kind of understand that. i hate spending a lot of money too, mainly cause i dont have it. my boyfirend is an accountant so he watches his money LIKE A FREAKIN HALK. sometimes it bothers me that he doesnt always want to pay for everything, but i like doing nice stuff for him too. its nice to be in a give and take relationship. my best advice is just chip in more. ur boyfriends mistake was paying for everything and then suddenly changing his mind. maybe he's sick of footing the bill. All u can really do is just tell him that u'll chip in more when u get a job, but its a little confusing that he was willing to pay for everything for so long and now all the sudden expects it to be 50/50. pay for stuff for u too, when u have the money, its honestly not that bad. it makes me feel good actually when i pay because my boyfriend is extrememly appreciative.
Author sungrl Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 princessa, you mentioned old school..well thats what my b/f seems to be. To me, he seems sexist in a way. He thinks women's work is cooking and cleaning..well if its that way..then he should be old fashioned where he is fine with paying. I even said to him its not 1950's..you cant have those roles perfectly defined anymore where there are 2 people working full time.
princessa Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 princessa, you mentioned old school..well thats what my b/f seems to be. To me, he seems sexist in a way. He thinks women's work is cooking and cleaning..well if its that way..then he should be old fashioned where he is fine with paying. I even said to him its not 1950's..you cant have those roles perfectly defined anymore where there are 2 people working full time. Well perhaps he's thinking the same thing about you.. in the sense that if you tell him that having you cook and clean is so "1950's", then maybe he doesn't see a point in him paying for everything with that attitude? Generally speaking you and your guy seem to have some discprepancies in terms of common family values / vision of how you'd run the household.. Perhaps you should discuss that with him.. and see if he's actually the kind of guy you'd wanna be with long-term.
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 For me the rule is if I ask her out then I pay and if she asks me out then she pays. Pretty much the way my boyfriend and I reciprocated when we were first dating. We'd take turns with the planning and the asking. He'd choose things to do that he knew I'd like, and I would plan things that I knew he would like. Whoever planned the date paid without any discussions, arguments or comparison of pennies being spent. While we each had very different tastes when it came to what we considered "fun" … it was a great way to actively participate and learn to enjoy new things through each other's perspectives. Well … all except for that frightening Mosh Pit incident I barely survived when I took him to see his favorite band. Even on first dates I've always felt it 'polite' to at least offer to pay my own check. I only managed to accidentally insult one man who turned out to be more traditional about dating roles than I was. But for the most part, the guys I dated seemed genuinely appreciative (even surprised) by the offer even though they would politely turn it down. I don't know. I suppose it all depends on the two individuals and how sensitive they are when it comes to those traditional gender roles. But it's been my limited experience that a lot of guys actually appreciate a little equal effort when it comes to the dating game. They LIKE knowing that spending time with them is more valuable to you than how much money they can afford to yank from their wallets. And it sounds like your boyfriend isn't so much different than some of the guys I have met in that respect.
TheDC Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 princessa, you mentioned old school..well thats what my b/f seems to be. To me, he seems sexist in a way. He thinks women's work is cooking and cleaning..well if its that way..then he should be old fashioned where he is fine with paying. I even said to him its not 1950's..you cant have those roles perfectly defined anymore where there are 2 people working full time. it could be that since he was putting the finances into the relationship that he expected you to contribute in your way by doing cooking and cleaning. But once you start contributing financially I would also expect that the domestic duties would be shared. I'd make that perfectly clear to him as well.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 EnigmaXOXO and TheDC both have good, valid points. The roles aren't so clearly defined anymore. I'm a bit traditional and also non-traditional, but I'm a Libra, and we like balance and harmony....
jusified Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 i am also a libra,a balance and harmony is the way to go....libras are also the best lovers apparently. Anyways, as a guy I think if a girl wants me to pay for everything she is a gold digger. When it is a relationship everything should be split or what ever, girl pay for one date and I pay for one date, or she/I slip me/her money and half it or whatever. Then again, the girl has to want to do that and see it as caring about my financial well being too. Its not right for one person in a relationship to pay for everything in our age when we keep talking about equal rights, equal pay and stuff.
JCD Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Exactly, women want to be equals then they need to pay equally.
Author sungrl Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 No--my b/f had this view for a long time and it had nothing to do with the fact he was paying. I even said to him..i am worried..you want to compromise with money--that is fine..but then you tell me oh cooking is women's work..but what if i am working just as many hours and i came home to you and said i am tired, can you cook dinner..would you..and he basically didnt respond with a yes or no--he said things are just outlined right now and everything cant be divided completely equally all the time. He kind of didnt answer me straight out. I hope that if it came time in the future where i actually see him 7 pm where dinner can be cooked and i say--look i will make pasta tomorrow if you make the hamburgers tonight..i am hoping he would say ok and not no to me b/c then that isnt fair..but he seems to have this thought pattern that all this stuff should be done by the woman. Maybe i should try asking him sometime this week like can u cook me pasta sometime this week and the next time i will.
jusified Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 yea i agree. I cook and clean around the house because I want to. I offer to pay and usually does. I just feel like if i was going out with a girl, she actully WANTED to pay for 50% of the costs and tries to look after me with alot of things (I do the same) then thats an ideal relaionship in this regards. So with the isse of paying, after a few dates and when you are in a relationship, payment for costs should not lay with one person. As to the cooking and cleaning and views on what a girl's role in a relationship should be, thats a different issue. It soundslike you are unhappy with the way your boyfriends treats you rather then the money issue.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 yea i agree. I cook and clean around the house because I want to. I offer to pay and usually does. I just feel like if i was going out with a girl, she actully WANTED to pay for 50% of the costs and tries to look after me with alot of things (I do the same) then thats an ideal relaionship in this regards. So with the isse of paying, after a few dates and when you are in a relationship, payment for costs should not lay with one person. As to the cooking and cleaning and views on what a girl's role in a relationship should be, thats a different issue. It soundslike you are unhappy with the way your boyfriends treats you rather then the money issue. Justified, you sound like an awesome guy. Very fair.
Recommended Posts