Michele44 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I've been reading these boards for a long time and they have helped me to see that it isn't just me being "crazy" when I'm second guessing myself. To make a long story short, I've been involved on and off with a man I've loved for 25 years. After getting it through my head for years and years, I know that he enjoys my company, sex and we are comfortable. I've had other relationships during that time and so has he. I've always known that he doesn't love me, he's a cheater, etc. It's my fault for letting it go on. About 3 years ago, I decided I'd had enough of being a doormat, taken for granted, etc. I broke away from him after he did another crappy thing (like standing me up, not paying attention, no birthday gift, etc) and was able to stay away for two years. Last spring he contacted me because his Mother was ill. I stupidly let him back in. He kept telling me "I've changed..........". We started seeing each other once a week, though I kept myself distant because I knew it was only a matter of time. He treats me like a lot of the descriptions I read on here. He isn't physically or verbally abusive, but he is indifferent. Of course when he comes over he pays attention, tells me I'm great, he loves me, but then later never remembers what I tell him, doesn't ask anything about me (other than if I heard from an ex) never follows through on plans HE makes like us going on a trip, etc. I think he is cruel for just using me emotionally and sexually. I'm where he runs for comfort and this time around sex has only been a small part of it. This used to make me feel "special" but now just pisses me off because I've at least built up my self esteem to not want "crumbs". I truly think he does care more for me than he used to, and will be bothered that I'm not there to joke around with and have fun. But it's not enough anymore. So, the last few weeks I could tell he was emotionally more distant and my instinct is that he is probably having sex with someone new. I called him and left messages a couple of times and text him last week asking if he wanted to come over and watch a movie. He text back that he wished he could but "can't". That was two weeks ago. Since we started talking again, he would call a couple times a week and come over once a week or so. I didnt' contact him just to see how long it took him. Last night he left a short message on my phone and I text him back that "I'm done" with no other explanation. That was too long to hear from him and I've already spent 3 nights crying. What I don't understand is, like times before when I've had enough, he gets mad "I don't need this bull**** right now, I have a lot going on! I didnt hear from YOU, you are always making up some issue". It makes me sad but proves my point that it's all about him, isn't it? Why doesnt he say "Whats wrong?" Why is he mad? He doesn't really want me anyway???????????? I didnt respond like I normally would-- trying to explain. I actually blocked my text after that. It doesnt really matter, does it? Please tell me I'm not crazy! I don't think my crying is done, but I hope it's over soon.
norajane Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I think you said he runs to you for comfort, so maybe he gets mad when you take that away from him. I understand the desire to explain, but I think it's driven by your need for him to understand your needs - to pay attention and listen to what you're saying rather than him feeling put-upon because you're rocking his boat. I don't think you're crazy. I think you're reading him very well. Good for you for taking a stand for what you want. Ultimately, that's what this is about. You're saying to yourself, and to him, that you don't want this kind of relationship in your life. That you need things to be different in order to be happy. And you see that he's not going to make things different. He should be asking you what's wrong. Until he's willing to hear you and do something about what he hears, then you will keep dealing with this over and over. I'm in a similar place as you, so I know how hard this is for you and I'm sorry you're going through this. Do what you think is best for you; look out for yourself.
lorr Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I do not think that you are going crazy at all.If anything this is a good sign that you are recognising his true colours, rather than brushing his antics under the carpet.Why waste time on a unsatisfying and unfullfilling relationship when you can do a hell of alot better? He clearly sees you as some sort of safety net and after awhile you are just going to get sick and tired of all the games and this is what is happening now.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Read about narcissism. It's all about him, his needs, his need to be wanted, yet give very little in return. Look up the traits, he may fit the mold. I understand it is a very difficult personality disorder to "reform."
Guest Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Thank you all. After I posted my letter here, I went shopping and found a great book that has a perfect description of him. It really helped me to understand that it isn't me being "needy", it's him! I know I've been telling myself this for a long while, I just kept second guessing myself. So, it helps to hear other people's stories and how they coped. It's going to break my heart to be away from him after all these years, but I can't stand it anymore the way it is.
Author Michele44 Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Thank you for your input. It makes me feel less crazy and that I'm not the only one who is going through this. It's very painful, especially since I've known him for so long (25 years). Tonight I had an overwhelming need to call him to "explain" that I wasn't mad, but just that I was tired of being hurt so I was "done". But I stopped myself and told myself "It doesn't matter, you have told him countless times, so even if you didnt explain THIS TIME, he already knows and doesnt want to do things differently" Right? Or do you think I should call him with a quick message (he usually lets all his calls go to voice mail) to tell him I'm glad for the time we had but I'm not getting what I need and can't take it anymore that's why I'm done, but I wish him well? Or should I let it be left that he thinks I'm mad? This is making me nuts. I really don't want to talk to him directly. I've tried to break away before and he reels me back in. I guess I want a "good" ending, though I know that's usually only in the movies! LOL It's very hard for me to keep the mantra of "It doesnt matter what he thinks or says........it doesnt' matter what he thinks or says".
Recommended Posts