scubafish Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I hope you do not mind me posting here, but this has thrown me for a loop. I have been reading posts her on LS for a month or so, after my man broke it off with OW. (both infidelity posts and here, they have both given me clarity). I have talked to her in past, especially after she was the one that came and told me of the affair. (He did leave me a few montsh after that exposure, but after living with her for 6 weeks, came back to me). she is not a bad person, and I truly think she wants to get over these feelings she has. Can anyone recommend any good breakup advice, or sites? the reason I am asking is- She called me the day he brokeup with her, and told me it was really over, she was tired of the rollercoaster, and I belive her. I called her today because my man told me he has emailed her a few times over Holiday to make sure her 4yr old son received his xmas gift, and now he wants to take her son out for an afternoon visit. I am opposed to it, and wanted to find out basically if anything was going on. SHe does not seem to think it is bad idea though. I think it is not good for anyone. She told me that no, she hadn't seen him, but yes, he was emailing, mostly friendly, but also that he is still confused about his emotions. SHe is living with a good 'friend' that has been a shoulder to lean on, and that they were actually intimate now. And though she loves my man more than anything, (etc.etc.) she is currently occupied. I mentioned that they should have no contact anymore , so that the withdrawal state can be completed, and she joked abut wanting to know how to get over him. well, I though of this site- and have been impresssed with many of the heartfelt sentiments, maybe someone can point me to some insight that will help her. Obviously, I have deep interest in her getting closure and moving on. anything I can suggest to her? SHe does not have constant access to website, so she is not free to spend time browsing through search engine sites. I told her I would find a few good sites and pass on. I have found some good stories here as well, about OW who have moved on, so I might send her those as well. Thank You- S
NoIDidn't Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Why the hell did he buy her kid a xmas gift? Why is he still emailing her? Quite frankly, I wouldn't care how she gets over him, that's HER problem. Your problem is him. He needs to be showing you that he is moving on, not setting her up to be the OW again. He is giving her hope. And she could easily kick her new partner to the curb to get back with him. Get that elephant out of your living room!!!
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 No. He cannot be involved with her, even as a friend. And he shouldn't be seeing her son. If he wants the marriage to work, then he MUST say goodbye to her and her son forever. He can't have his cake and eat it too!! Life doesn't work that way after someone has been busted after an affair! Ofcourse her emotions are confused because your husband keeps emailing her. He must stop it and leave her alone so she can get over him. And so he can get over her. To be honest, I think he needs one on one counselling. It's not fair to you that he is sharing his feelings about the OW with you. That he needs to get over alone or with a therapist. You're very compassionate and understanding...I just hope that your husband sees this in you!
Romeo Must Die Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Believe it or not the WS have a huge problem with detaching and so far you have allowed this to continue by not properly asserting yourself. I wouldnt tolerate anything but strict NC with the OW. The affair is not over. You also have to remember that it's OW's job to deceive you. You have what she wants (her happiness depends on your unhappiness) and she isnt going to tell you sh*it except what you want to hear. I dont care if she is married, dating, or whatever. Rational logic? It doesnt apply to them. They are on loooove. Besides, I have huge issues with people who use the kids as a pawn for an affair. Wether its the OW using her kid as the helpless single mother routine, or a WS who acts as Santa, or a knight in shining armor. Getting to her heart through her kid. It's just bad anyway you look at it. I have been through the gift giving exchanges between my WS and OW and it is ridiculous. You are going to ruin their lives, but heres a toy because we care so much about you. What a bunch of crap.
Author scubafish Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 Ok, yes, sometimes it is hard to see the elephant in the room, because you have been looking around it for so long. I did not think the gift things was appropriate either. but I went along so as to be the 'understanding' one. I know it is not my job to help her get over him, but I do have a vested interest in her doing so. I know she is tired of waiting around for him to leave, -so if she can move on, it will make it easier for us to work on our relationship, without her pulling at him. Romeo, thank you for reminding me, I have not asserted myself here, I have been trying to keep him happy I guess. and he is taking advantage.
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I know it is not my job to help her get over him, but I do have a vested interest in her doing so. She has to do this on her own. If she wants to get over him, she will. I know she is tired of waiting around for him to leave, -so if she can move on, it will make it easier for us to work on our relationship, without her pulling at him. If she is tired of waiting, then she has to decide and take control of her OWN life and tell him to GO AWAY. You can't control what she feels/does - Only thing you and your husband can do is send her a goodbye do not contact him (us) again. You really need to talk to your husband and make sure he is going to stick to NC and not contact her too. If he does, there's no point in continuing your marriage with him...
stace79 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 The only break up advice that ever worked for me is: steer clear of the dumper at all costs (no e-mail, text msgs, calls, visits, nothing) and keep yourself as busy as possible. Do nice things for yourself like pedicures, girls' movie night, call an old friend, visit a pet store and play with cute fuzzy puppies (haha). It's like ripping off a Band-Aid...you have to do it quickly and completely all at once.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Nah just remove yourself from being the doormat. Dont just lie across the threshold and act like you dont care. You have no control over this anymore than he does. If he is still talking to her he is still fu*cking her. It's black or white, no more grey shades of whitish blackish taupe. Its not your fault. You did not do anything wrong. He's the fu*ck-up. If you leave him he has back-up. If she leaves him he has back-up. Thats always the "whole entire plan" right. Thats why they never feel like they've risked everything because all along they have somebody else either way it goes. Nothing left to lose. They dont have to be alone. Nice huh. And wether BS starts over or stays married she still has to face the affair. The WS get the fun. Playing santa to some other womans kid is not original. Tell the OW I said that. Tell her Romeo said to tell BW the truth. The OW is not your friend and she has as much invested in you quitting him too. OW is seeing someone else? Really whats his name? Where does he live, go to work? I think there is no other boyfriend, and the man she is seeing is your man and thats the most you will probably ever get from her.
puddleofmud Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I do feel that you need address the innappropriate behavior of your H--as if it is OVER it is over! Gifts to the child are not healthy for the child as this needs to be over for the child as well--no guilt tokens! A CHILD does not deserve adult emotional behavior placed upon them and this is his MOTHER'S responsibility! She owns that and you have no need to assert in any way shape or form. Please confidently and firmly let OW know that she may no longer contact you as you can no longer be concerned as your marriage is BACK ON TRACK--best of luck, best wishes, etc. Good-bye! You are too kind and good lady! Your partner is quite lucky to have you!
Author scubafish Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 Romeo, I know she is not my friend, but I do know the guy she is with, I have actually talked to him, (he did not know who I really was though) and I know his is living with her. I do believe she would sleep with my man again in a heartbeat. I am tempted to tell him that she is still in contact with my guy, but all that would do, is probably break them up, then she would have tons of time, not to mention an empty apt. to entice my guy back. we have talked a bit this week about no more contact, but I really do not believe anything he tells me right now. we are going on 7 weeks back together, and it is rocky. puddleofmud- thank you and yes, he has commented on how kind and understanding I have been , Ijust worry he is going to start taking it for granted now!
Seen_It_All Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Scuba - my heart breaks for you. You are trying so hard to be the peacemaker but at the same time, control the fate of your entire future. That's quite the weight of the world you've foisted up onto your shoulders, isn't it? Yes, I'm indignantly angry at your WS for his complete lack of respect to you on so many different levels. Having the affair in the first place, moving out and living with his OW for 6 weeks, then coming back home but CONTINUING to disrespect you by using this woman's child as a way to keep his foot in the door with her. He can't suck and blow at the same time. This little boy was probably JUST FINE before his mother allowed some married guy to come live with them, totally upsetting the family unit when the guy ran off 6 weeks later and mommy was left to pick up the pieces. Make no mistake - this was rotten parenting on his mother's part and she should be ashamed of herself because the responsibility for that mess is TOTALLY on her shoulders. Now she's gone and moved someone ELSE into their home. What the hell is WRONG with this woman, if I may be so blunt? Does she have NO sense of responsibility to her son at all? She's a disgrace to motherhood. Sorry, I don't NEARLY have the sympathy for this woman that you do. Bless you for being so magnanimous but quite honestly, this is NOT going to gain you any points in any fashion. All you're doing is leaving the screen door WIDE open for this woman to feel perfectly fine about walking back into your lives 6 weeks from now, or 6 months from now, or 2 years from now. Time to close the door - on ALL levels. And that includes your husband and his LAME excuse of using her child to keep his foot in THEIR door. I'm going to be brutal and call a spade a spade - your husband is flaming A*SSHOLE. A complete and total flaming A*SSHOLE. He's disrespected you, he's disrespected that poor 4 year old child, and he's disrespected your marriage. I honestly couldn't care LESS how he's disrespected the OW because SHE SIGNED UP FOR IT. She bought it, she owns it. She has no one to blame for herself. So I have zero sympathy for her. Let's face it, Scuba, what you're doing is NOT working for you. And it's NOT going to work for you. Being the OWs friend and giving her advice for the lovelorn is NOT the way to heal your marriage. Watching your husband USE A CHILD by buying gifts for him and wanting to be his 'big brother' by taking him on outings is absolutely REVOLTING behavior that you do NOT have to abide. Surely you know this? When are you going to lay this mess on the shoulders of the person who created it? When are you going to lay the responsibility for cleaning up this mess on the shoulders of the person who created it? How much MORE of this utter bullsh*it are you going to allow before you decide that you've been used and abused ENOUGH? When, Scuba?
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