A year after him leaving, we split and guess where he is now?

[wyldflower]

Oh boy! What a mess.

So my MM left his wife back in November 05, as some of you may remember. Since then, we have been through hell and back with custody, her relentless interfering in his ability to move on and have a happy relationship (yes I know I'll cop a few "hypocrite" comments for that considering I was the OW for 3 months, but the difference there was he wasn't happy with her), her threatening to move his kids 30 hours away and to never leave us in peace etc. There have also been good times. We have been living together, trying to have a baby - we are soul mates and so alike on every level. Too alike at times. We had a huge fight a couple of months ago, made ridiculous comments about running off with other people (we are both so hot-headed)...and guess what he did when I told him to leave? Went back to her. He rang me a few days later, crying and confessing and telling me what he had done. I told him to stay there...I was just so angry and felt like anything we had was just a lie to be able to cast it aside like that.

Now, guess what my place in his life is?

Oh, you guessed it. The OW. Again. After a year of having him as just mine. He comes over and cries, tells me it's me he should be with...how he doesn't understand how he is back where he is and it's all like a bad dream. How it's going to be that much harder to leave again because he's going to break his little girls' hearts all over again.

I am being strong this time. I've told him I'm not going to be his thing on the side, especially when I have been his one and only. I'm giving it a time limit. 2 months and if he hasn't left, then I am leaving. He's not happy with this. He freaks out every time he thinks of life without me. But I refuse to be compromised. Not again. Well, not for more than the time it takes for him to organise his **** and get out of there. If he doesn't, then it's over. Heartbreaking or not. I'll survive and I WILL love again. I told him "what does second best mean to you?"

So there you have it. My predicament. Possibly a first for this site, huh?

[RecordProducer]

Women who make such drama out of their separations because of another woman (I was the same, but there was no OW), turn their children against their father and then the kids are the victims. The adults move on, but the father's relationship with hsi children is ruined. That's really sad. But he is also right that his daughters are better off with him and obviously thye are the reason for him staying there.

 

But the main reason is you, my dear. He tried to live with you for a year and he wasn't as happy as you thought he was or as you were. He didn't like the fights and he realized that the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence either. After living with you for a year, he would have no reason to go back if things with you were great.

 

That's the cruel reality. That's everyone's reality - if we don't treat our partners nicely, we lose them sooner or later. In your case also the circumstances didn't allow the love to bloom. There are always circumstances that interfere with our happiness. In my first marriage it was my ex-husband's daughter, now it's in-laws.

[wyldflower]

It's true, we were fighting towards the end. But laying the blame on me is fairly assuming isn't it? Everyone is an individual and has individual responses to situations. He is someone that acts in revenge mode and doesn't see reason until later. He has always been that way, so I highly doubt it was because the grass wasn't greener that he went back. In fact, I know it wasn't. He has told me. We fought, I left him, he thought "ok, I can either have no girl and still have a manipulative ex and no kids, or I can just go back and have no girl." He chose the latter. Plus he knew it would hurt me.

If it was because he didn't love me, he wouldn't have tried to make amends three days later. Had I forgiven him then, he would be mine now. I chose to punish him and, in turn, myself.

He is chasing me like crazy now, paranoid that I'm going to move on. He still says I am his soul mate and the only one in his heart and that his decisions have made him a prisoner.

But like I said...two months is all the time I am going to give him. I refuse to be caught up in this game again.

[NoIDidn't]

But laying the blame on me is fairly assuming isn't it? He is someone that acts in revenge mode and doesn't see reason until later. He has always been that way, so I highly doubt it was because the grass wasn't greener that he went back. In fact, I know it wasn't. He has told me.

 

He ran to you instead of dealing with the problems in his M. He ran back to his W instead of dealing with the problems in your R. But as you said before "he has always been that way". Does sound like someone I'd wait around for. Especially after he went back to the person he claimed to be causing so many problems for him.

[whichwayisup]

Had I forgiven him then, he would be mine now

 

But the problems were already there. If it wasn't this time around, it would have happened anyway. A man just doesn't up and leave, then go back to his wife ASAP. He was probably mullling it over in his head for a while...I know you don't want to hear that though...

 

If things don't work out with his wife, I take it you're willing to take him back? Open arms? And what if then he runs back to her in afew months??

[wyldflower]

Yeah, he's a wild one all right. When he went back to her there were a number of factors swaying him that way (ie. his daughters, pressure from his very traditional family to stay with the mother of his children, her threatening to kill herself and the kids, if she spotted me and him together she'd send texts such as "adios, we're off to Tasmania (3o hrs away) and finally me, his ojne support unit, leaving him). When he came back to me after making a decision we both knew wasn't right for him, it was purely becuase he loved me.

It's just so hard. I feel so stupid. I just love him so very much. This 2 month time limit I have scares me because I HAVE to be true to myself and accept nothing less than number one. I haven't told him I'm marking down the days. I want to see if he'll get there on his own. Trying to think with my head instead of my heart. If I'm so deserving of number one then why am I not it?

[whichwayisup]

If I'm so deserving of number one then why am I not it?

 

Because it takes two. He has a choice as well.

[NoIDidn't]

If I'm so deserving of number one then why am I not it?

 

I think you are missing the point that some of us are trying to make. Its not that you are not deserving of being number one, its that he's already it (in his mind, at least). The only thing that matters to him is whatever is easiest for him. Its easy for him to go back home, he would have less people angry with him. When it gets tough there, as it always does until he fixes HIS portion of the problems, he runs back to you.

 

Love is not enough for any R. Not a M. Not a friendship. It takes more than love and it doesn't sound like he has what it takes. For you or his W and kids.

[whichwayisup]

The guy is gonna end up alone and maybe that is the best thing to happen. For everybody. NID is right, the guy is only looking out for number one. Himself! .

 

How could you ever really trust him again? Think about it...

[wyldflower]

WWIU, he is the one that says I'm number one, not me.

Thank you for your honesty, guys. I already know this deep down. I am trying to numb my emotions with some harsh realities, which will make it easier for me when D-day comes.

I don't doubt he loves me, I do doubt he possesses the courage to make the decisions and sacrifices needed to be with me.

We have been in each other's lives for four years now, as friends for the first three and lovers for the rest. it will be a hrad adjustment to make, considering I never felt this way about a man prior to him. it's like someone took every quality I wanted in a man and rolled it into him. Even his faults, I can understand and identify with. I have plenty of the same.

But you're right, love isn't enough or he'd be with me now. I'll just have to bear down, stay upright and be true to myself, I guess. But not yet...

[wyldflower]

But the problems were already there. If it wasn't this time around, it would have happened anyway. A man just doesn't up and leave, then go back to his wife ASAP. He was probably mullling it over in his head for a while...I know you don't want to hear that though...

 

If things don't work out with his wife, I take it you're willing to take him back? Open arms? And what if then he runs back to her in afew months??

 

I don't know. I miss him, crave him...

But on the flipside, I have adapted to being a single woman again. I have work, uni, friends etc. Even now when he tries to tell me things I should be doing with my life and acts jealous and possessive, i throw it back in his face and say "how's your wife?".

I AM getting stronger. Promise.

[whichwayisup]

WWIU, he is the one that says I'm number one, not me

 

But his actions are not showing you this. IF you two were TRULY soulmates, then things would be working out better. He is messed up in the head and selfish.

 

DUMP Him. He isn't worth it.

 

Hangin there and don't let him fool you.

[RecordProducer]

It's true, we were fighting towards the end. But laying the blame on me is fairly assuming isn't it?

I absolutely didn't BLAME you for the break-up; I said he wasn't quite happy with you or he wouldn't have left. It could totally be him at fault why you fought and I am sure he was, cuz men do stupid things that hurt us all the time. Plus, your circumstances were such that you were on a shaky ground anyway.

 

 

I highly doubt it was because the grass wasn't greener that he went back. In fact, I know it wasn't. He has told me.

I meant the grass wasn't greener with you.

 

If it was because he didn't love me

I never said he didn't love you. It's just that at some point he thought that what you and he had was not better than his marriage, plus his daughters are there.

 

 

he wouldn't have tried to make amends three days later. Had I forgiven him then, he would be mine now. I chose to punish him and, in turn, myself.

This is the main problem: if you don't want him, he will stay with his wife. But if you want him, he might come back to you. If his marriage sucks, he should leave his wife. His divorce decision shouldn't depend on whether YOU want him or not. The fact is he went back to his wife. You should move on.

 

He is chasing me like crazy now, paranoid that I'm going to move on.

If he is chasing you then why are you giving him two months? You know he is chasing you, but wouldn't really leave, is that it? That's not a stable person who knows what he wants.

[NoIDidn't]

wyldflower

 

Good luck to you. You are going to have to stick to your guns, though. You are in the compromised position of having been his OW twice. He probably figures if he cries enough or comes up with a better EXCUSE, you will hang around until he can finally come to you. Its not fair to you or his family (parents and all).

 

His family is probably so happy to see him reunited with his W and children. If he leaves again, he runs the risk of alienating them for a time and having them hate you forever - blaming you for the demise of his M, when it is clearly his flipflopping that's the issue.

 

From what you have already said, he will try to manipulate you into changing your mind. I hope you will close the door on him until the ink is dry on his D papers. Research shows that if a man is going to leave he will do it in the first 3 to 6 months, and he did just that. So, I don't hold out to much hope for the lifespan of his M.

 

Whatever happens. Stand your ground. Command his respect by walking away in the timespan you have set, if that is what it comes to. You might have to.

[wyldflower]

I know, I know.

Proof is in the pudding isn't it?

His excuse is his daughters, how he couldn't bear to have them taken away from him like the mother of his son took him away 8 years ago.

He frustrates the hell outta me. One second he is crying saying, "I'm with the wrong woman," next second he is sayng how jealous he'd be if there were another man playing Daddy to his kids.

And yes, you're right. I think the 2 months is about giving myself time to adjust to the fact he won't leave again. If they have a fight, i know it'll happen. But it shouldn't be left to if's. It should be "this is the girl I love and I want to be with her".

You are so right.

I'm just a bit thick when it comes to realities, bloody romantic that I am.

[wyldflower]

wyldflower

 

Whatever happens. Stand your ground. Command his respect by walking away in the timespan you have set, if that is what it comes to. You might have to.

 

Best advice I could have been given. It's hard to obtain an objective opinion from my friends...they all believe we are soul mates and that we'll beat all odds to be together. They adore us as a couple.

 

But it's time to get real. Thank you so much, guys.

[bonehead]

Look at it as giving yourself two months to mourn the loss.

 

Im not even going to get into the kids issue:mad: