Guest Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I have been living throught a very difficult situation. I have searched the net for sites that could help me out but nothing really did. I saw this site and maybe figured that writing down what I was feeling might help. I am new to these forums thing so bear with me. Let me explain my situation to you. Last summer I ended a relation with a wonderful woman who I was dating for 5 years. The break up was mutual because at the time we didn't want the same things in life (ie: children, where to live) I went on and moved into my own place and kept on with my life and I thought every thing was ok. I am a very emotial person but hide it. Only those close to me know the real me and I tend to keep my emotions inside. Maybe it is a result of a traumatic experience i suffered at 13 years old when I lost my mom... Anyways as I was saying everything seemed to be going fine until recently. I have been thinking alot these past months and at age 27, some of my goals in life have changed. I also have started thinking that I made a huge mistake by letting her go. It got to the point that I have seemed to have lost control. My emotions took over and I feel like that it is just now that I am living throught the break up. Now I can't out of bed, my situation at work is suffering because of this and I can only think of her. I guess my question is why is this happening now? Why 7 months later and why do I think I made such a big mistake by letting her go? I really do not understand what is going on, and I really don't know what to do anymore. It seems that my world has crashed down all around me... I am so confused...
InsanityImpaired Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 The double-edged sword of reflection. You are reflecting now on the past, and imagine how things could have been, if you had taken a different path in life. But this imagined path will never be. Sure, you could have the two children, the career in music, and happy family life. All those things you imagine now as having been possible with her. But not at the time itself, else you would not have made the mutual break-up. Life is an ongoing journey. In which we constantly learn, alter our courses, almost constantly - and more often than not unknowingly. Your punishing yourself now for this "mistake." It is not a mistake - it was simply not meant to be. In essence you have now a picture of life as you want it to be - but with a piece from a different puzzle. These reflections are hard to deal with. You have to accept that you and she went separate ways. There will be another woman, to make the puzzle complete again. Perhaps it is a good idea for you to write your thoughts down. And read them, to clarify them. To expand them - to gain an understanding of why you feel like that. And read them again. The work situation is tough. I would however check out whether or not you are suffering from a depression, which may make you need more sleep.
Go_Chicago Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Hey there, When it is a mutual break due to conflicting interests at the time, closure is never fully acquired. You wrote that you have had a change of interest in life goals, perhaps this is your emotional system telling you that this woman could now fit into your life scheme? If you still have contact with her, perhaps you could reinitiate - go from there. Perhaps, she too, has had a change in plans. If not, on her part, maybe a change in details of how to pursue a future relationship together is in order. Additionally, as a side thought, maybe the initial break was fretted about too much and now that the time apart has been felt, you are coming to realize that the split was an extreme. Mutual breakups for technical reasons sometimes do work out in the end, they just require a reconstruction in the original design. Good luck. Chica
Cossette4 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Do you feel that you never really "dealt" with the break-up when it happened 7 months ago? Did you just avoid and bury the feelings and now they are resurfacing? How did she feel at the time? Did she go through the rough period that you find yourself in now? How is she now? Are you still in contact, and if so, is she aware that you are going through this?
bella_girl Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I agree with Cossette perhaps you didn't really deal with the break up or were in denial about it. So 7 months later it's here to hit you on the head. However you also sound a bit depressed, which is forcing retrospective stuff... Rather than focus on her and 'what could have been' why not focus on what you want in the future, if you are starting to feel like your life goals are clearer now then that's what you should start getting out of bed to go and do. These should energise you not weigh you down. Also if you are feeling really depressed and if there is stuff in your past with your mum etc that you haven't dealt with then you might want to speak to a counsellor, they can help.
rckt365 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Mutual break-ups are the worst, and like I've often said "wouldn't it be nice if I could somehow find a way to hate her !?" I've had more mutual breaks than the 'good-riddence' ones and I don't think you ever fully get over the mutual ones, and it's because you both still care about each other - therefore there's no Resolution. If she matters THIS much to you - I think you owe it to yourself to figure out how you can come to peace with your decision to break it off with her, and the only way that's gonna happen is if you face it head-on (tell her about how you feel - figure out if it's just because you miss her ... or whatever it is). Good Luck (never say never)
canuck01 Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Thank you for all for answering my post. I was just confused and didn't know why I was feeling like I was. These answers have given me some insight.
Am4Real Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 The double-edged sword of reflection. You are reflecting now on the past, and imagine how things could have been, if you had taken a different path in life. But this imagined path will never be. Sure, you could have the two children, the career in music, and happy family life. All those things you imagine now as having been possible with her. But not at the time itself, else you would not have made the mutual break-up. Life is an ongoing journey. In which we constantly learn, alter our courses, almost constantly - and more often than not unknowingly. Your punishing yourself now for this "mistake." It is not a mistake - it was simply not meant to be. In essence you have now a picture of life as you want it to be - but with a piece from a different puzzle. These reflections are hard to deal with. You have to accept that you and she went separate ways. There will be another woman, to make the puzzle complete again. Perhaps it is a good idea for you to write your thoughts down. And read them, to clarify them. To expand them - to gain an understanding of why you feel like that. And read them again. The work situation is tough. I would however check out whether or not you are suffering from a depression, which may make you need more sleep. What an incredible insightful post -- thank you, thank you very much. Am4Real
BabyPhoenix Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 What an incredible insightful post -- thank you, thank you very much. Agreed. Well done II.
canuck01 Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Thank you for all you're posts... let me give you a little more insight on my situation... I've using these tough times to really think and examine myself. I suffered a traumatic loss when i was younger and I was talking to my father and maybe he did shed some light on the situation that i am going throught. I tend to believe that we never really appreciate what we have until it's gone. Whether it be a loved one, health, a job.... When I was 13 years old, one night, I kissed my mother goodnight and was on my way to bed. The next thing I knew she was laying on the floor. She suffered a massive stroke before my eyes. The next day at the hospital...we learned that she was completly paralyzed and could not talk... and she still is like this today. It only takes 1 second and your life can be changed forever. My reaction resembles how I handled this breakup. Nothing really happened until 7 months later than everything fell apart... I don't really remember any of the year after I witnessed this event so it was my dad that told me about it. And I truly believe that I have not gotten over it yet. When you lose someone to death you mourn and then get on with your life. But I cannot bear to see her anymore as I know she is constantly suffering and it is never over. So maybe this had something to do with why my relantionship ended. It wasn't because of the chemistry or anything like that. I loved her dearly and so did she... and as well as being my soulmate she was my best friend. I have been with many women before so I knew she was truly someone special and my familly knew it also. But even thought I saw this I would never truly opened myself up to her. I was always scared of really getting hurt once again and losing her... and guess what I did lose her. So I took her for granted, and only now, have realized what I truly had. Same as I did when my mother suffered her stroke. I don't know what to think and sorry if this kinda confusing as english is not my first language...But this is really the first time I try any forums and the first time i really discuss the event that hapenned with my mother. I have carried this demon for too long but have no idea how to get rid of it. All this really hurts...it really does
angelbabylk Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 You cannot spend the rest of you're days thinking about what might have been. If it were ment to be, it would be. I'm sorry to hear about your mother, and you are right, it probably has something to do with what you're feeling now. But as hard as it is, you have to keep moving. Don't let this all get the best of you because if you do that, you'll end up with nothing. You'll certainly never get 'rid' of it, you'll never forget it. What you have to do is keep moving, as I said. Live your lif, the way your mother would have wanted you to. She certainly wouldn't have wanted you to spend your days in bed thinking about what might have been, or what could be. You seem like a good guy, and I know these things are harder to say than do... You'll find the right girl one day, and if your ex is that 'one', then it will happen.
Am4Real Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I tend to believe that we never really appreciate what we have until it's gone. Whether it be a loved one, health, a job.... When I was 13 years old, one night, I kissed my mother goodnight and was on my way to bed. The next thing I knew she was laying on the floor. She suffered a massive stroke before my eyes. The next day at the hospital...we learned that she was completly paralyzed and could not talk... and she still is like this today. It only takes 1 second and your life can be changed forever. My reaction resembles how I handled this breakup. Nothing really happened until 7 months later than everything fell apart... I don't really remember any of the year after I witnessed this event so it was my dad that told me about it. And I truly believe that I have not gotten over it yet. Losing a parent at a young age has to be difficult; witnessing such must have been unbearable. However, to truly know the effect on your life and perhaps your behavior I think I would seek the help of a professional. This (in my opinion) is not something you can self-diagnose. Let us know what you decide. Am4Real
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