I really don't know

[loobie_lou]

Hiya all, decided to join this site to try and get some advice from people who a) aren't my significant other, b) don't know myself, or my significant other and c) may be feeling or may have experienced the same problems as I, myself, is experiencing.

 

Basically I am 23, and my partner is almost 18.. we have been officially together for almost 2 months, and have known each other for 4 - so I guess things were kind of rushed. But I've never felt this way about anyone before, so I just let my heart take over.. and, thankfully, the feelings were reciprocated.. or so I thought.

 

Our first 'argument' arose when my partner left a piece of my work at her house, which I needed for the next day. She, reluctantly came over to mine with the piece of work (had to drive at 12am), but we were both in a huff - so we argued, before kissing and making up. Our next arguement happened when I'd had too much to drink on New Years Eve (vodka makes me a bit sharp tongued) - we got over that, or so I thought. An argument occured a few days later, and came from no-where. Each time I had to apologise for things to be ok.

 

Since New Years Eve things have felt so much different. It feels like she is having problems a) decifering what an argument is, and comparing it to a discussion/confrontation, and b) letting go of the things that have happened in the past.

 

First of all my partner has 2 very close best friends - both of which insist on going around to my partners house ALL the time (even when we plan to have time alone), my partner simply can not say no - when I have asked her about this she says that she doesn't want to lose their friendship. After I confronted her about this I notice everything that her friends do and, I've concluded, they're using her - a) she's the only one of them who drives (so guess who's the taxi driver), and b) she's the only one with money and a job... so they take advantage of that. I wouldn't be so bothered but because my partner can not say no to her friends, this has resulted in a planned meal being spent with one of her friends in Mac Donalds. She has admitted this is a problem and she needs to speak to them, but she just wont. We've argued so many times about this, what has started out as a discussion ALWAYS ends up in an argument, when it's never the intention. I feel that my partner takes things I say to heart as a personal vendetta against herself - she says I am too good in an arguement and always know what to say.

 

Because of the confrontations over her friends we have really drifted apart, and the slightest thing now seems to annoy me and result in me being negative about us.. which, obviously, rubs off on her.

 

This evening she came round and she basically told me that because of how I confront her about things that I make her feel lower than she has ever felt before, and that I make her feel like crap. I burst in to tears, as I never intend to hurt anyone, least alone my partner. She admitted that, rather than tell people how she feels, she pretends everything is ok - because she hates 'hurting' people, I explained that things may not have come to this if she was honest and upfront about the times when I have annoyed/upset her. I believe that being honest is the best way forward, I admit it is possible that I may go around things the wrong way - or may say the wrong things, but I have apologised for this.

 

She says she wants to be with me, but now I'm too scared to tell her anything about how I feel about situations... because she'll think it's a personal attack. But where's a relationship stand without communication? I now feel as though I am treading on thin ice.

 

I'm just worried now because It seems there is nothing else we can do to salvage our relationship, I'm really sorry for the rant.. it feels nice to get it out in the open - the things I've said to my friends, and they've been unable to say anything.

 

Any response would be more than appreciated, once again I am sorry for the rant x

[JCD]

It reads to me like she is too defensive and doesn't attack the problem at hand, instead she attacks you. I always imagined that if a girl wants the relationship to last she has to put her man first and friends second. But that's just my own thinking. Tell her that you aren't angry at her but at the situation with her friends and if she doesn't get it then dump her. No drama needed.

[DyingHeart]

She is quite young still and maybe she seems to have a self esteem issues. I was in a situation like that many years ago. Good at first, then arguing all the time over stupid crap. And It's good you found this forum, because people here know it all, been through it all and can give some pretty sound advice. I think it's good that you are finding out about this way early in the relationship. Maybe, you should just let her go. Not to sound mean, but she sounds like she still needs to grow up a little before commiting herself to a relationship. And she needs to stand up for herself, and not worry about what others will think about it.

 

I'm not a psychic, I can't tell you what will happen, but I can say, that I understand and it is difficult. Think of how bad this could be if you were with her for say, 5 years, and just found this out now? It would be devistating.

 

I hope you both can work things out. One never knows

 

Chrissi

[loobie_lou]

Thank you, both of you, for taking the time to read my problem and offer advice.. I really appreciate it

 

I think I will see how we are around each other the next few times we meet up, to see where we go from there. I'm really not a defeatist at all - and, although this isn't a competition, I don't want to lose her. I genuinely do love her with all my heart. When things are good - they are great. It's just the little things.

 

But when I think about the little things, maybe how I deal with them doesn't help the situation - so, in turn, I am adding to her upset? esteem, etc. I'm not too sure how I can prevent how I respond to the things she tells me about her friends, for example.

 

xx