I willingly chose a few months of love, and a possible life of pain, over comfort

[AquaandBrown]

So, here I am. A Married Man that cares alot about his wife, but loves another married woman. I think the other woman feels the same but will not give up on her marriage, which is very new. I think mostly because of her expectations to family and friends. I will not get into the she's my soul mate mush, because I see that so many others on this post do that well. I'll just ditto it all...well, most of it.

 

My wife and I are great friends, but I can't ever say we've been much more than that. It was always comfortable and was easy for me. Despite that I was having my doubts about my marriage before this O/W because I was growing weary of the pretend love with my wife - great that she is. As much as it would hurt her I wanted better for her (and I guess me too). Now I can't even think of a future with my wife. Nor do I have a future with this other woman. I've called the affair off because I couldn't tolerate being second. Such a hypocrit I can be.

 

I'm doing the same to my wife. Guess that's pretty much over. We've already talked some and divorce is in the plan. So I'm left with me and some guilt and a broken heart. The obserdity of it all is that I wouldn't of done it differently if I could go back. At least I took a chance and even though I'm left with all bad now and feel worse off I feel better for knowing love for once. Does that make any sense.

 

I have a little pride left at least because I took the initiative to call things off on my own...and I'm not faking anything anymore. So, the only lesson I can see from this is that sometimes you opt. for pain rather than comfort. Worse thing is I don't think I'll ever love again in the way I did with the O/W. Share any thoughts if you have any.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

It's better to have loved hard than never to have loved at all IMO.

 

Did your W feel the same way about your marriage, or has it been a shock to her?

 

I know it probably isn't what you want to hear right now, but do you think the OW may have been a catalyst you were using to leave your M? You say that you were happy previously, and sometimes without having a "reason" it's too hard to leave. Just a thought...

 

However, I know you must be in some pain right now. If you truly want out of your marriage you need to be ready for the turmoil. And, your broken heart? It will mend with time...

 

Good luck

[frannie]

I have a little pride left at least because I took the initiative to call things off on my own...and I'm not faking anything anymore. So, the only lesson I can see from this is that sometimes you opt. for pain rather than comfort. Worse thing is I don't think I'll ever love again in the way I did with the O/W. Share any thoughts if you have any.

 

Well I think you've probably done the right thing in talking about divorce (is that going to happen?) with your wife, rather than letting it limp along with no real love. But I wonder whether making that work isn't an option..? Is it that you could finally compare 'real' love with what you had with your wife, so now you can't really think of a future with her..?

 

I'm struck by how similar your story is to another current thread that has dissolved into an argument. That is another (15-year) marriage where the woman has told the board she never really loved her husband and feels very strongly for her OM.

 

My other thought is... are you and the OW finished..? It's not entirely clear from your post. There are some threads on here from OM (ratingsguy and oyster, and BKRPM)... perhaps you could read some of those if you feel you're likely to stay in this affair after you separate from your wife..?

[Romeo Must Die]

I'm fascinated how easy it is for a WS detach from their marriages and/or the AP's and claim a few months of lust as the absolute love of their lives. True love isn't selfish and thats where alot of WS seem to go wrong because it is all about them and that is really more important than the BW or even the OW.

 

It may seem pretty special (great) to you, but to the rest of the outside world it looks pretty shallow. And yes calling people soulmates and etc. is also creepy and flakey as it sounds. A soulmate would not do that stuff to you that you are doing. You are not a saint or a spirit or a God. You are just a man.

 

Lets look at it in black and white. You have a relationship with your wife and the OW has another relationship with her husband. This is a double betrayal. I wouldnt look at your affair as being twin martyrs for love. It's just messed up thinking of two messed up people doing alot of messed up sh*it.

 

There is no way you can compare an affair love to a marriage love. Dont speak of your wife in the same breath you speak of your AP. I think as women on both sides here we would all appreciate if you didnt do that.

 

I am not going to stand up and applaud you for throwing it all away for love. What exactly did you sacrifice? Looks like things have all been going your way for quite awhile now, that is, up until the moment your AP chose to stay married. Whoops. Gee, where did it all go wrong?

 

The affair doesnt change whats broken inside you, and neither will the divorce. You havent changed, or learned anything, or suffered. You are still the same messed up person you were before the affair, only now you have more baggage and issues and responsibilities for your new fu*cked up decisions.

 

If you were my husband I wouldnt want to be married to someone who is pining for his AP so even if you were hoping to reconcille, you're done. You are nowhere near remorseful, you are still justifying your business as if you had any right to hurt her. If it were me. I'd be so done with you. If I were a married other woman woman of course I would put my family first, even just to survive. You are a married man having an affair with a married woman. It would be a huge gamble running off with you emotionally and financially. Plus, once you get divorced you are not going to have any money or means to support her like she has now. If she divorced she would be on her ass too. In fact you would be a liability to her financially and vice versa. Thats when the realities of bills and day to day stuff you wife used to nag you about, will nestle their way into this relationship. Then things wont seem as bad as they were when you were married when you look at it from the poverty line.

 

I also wouldnt advise you to talk to other male posters on this board who persue their AP just to get kicked in the face. That isn't going to help you either. Look at what you are avoiding or trying to live out from your parents and look at other unfinished business in your life. Look at the BW. You cant start a new relationship before you finish the old one. And what you did to her shouldn't have to happen to a dog let alone someone who stood by you and nurtured you only to get kicked in the face for it too. If I were the OW I wouldnt want to get kicked in the face either, you know, later on down the line? Id get out of Dodge now while I still could.