Keri30 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I have a problem that I've having difficulty solving. Based on my past experiences I have little or no trust for men. Or maybe people in general. I'm 30 years old, never been married, though I've been engaged twice. My most recent relationships were this- first one I was engaged to lasted four years. We got along until we lived together and then I found out that he had been lying to me about different things- he never cheated on me, but he had a porn addiction that I discovered and this came between us (I"m not talking about looking at porn a few times a week, which I could have cared less about, I"m talking about he could NOT have sex with me without looking at porn before or during sex. (and I was attractive (to most guys anyway) (cute face, slim athletic body, nice chest and butt) and yet he wanted his web cam girls more than me. I broke up with him. The next guy and I were together for 3 years until I found out that he had an affair with his ex (who was married with kids) and lied to me about the whole thing saying they were just friends. (this was after he proposed to me) He then told me his excuse was that he hadn't "felt anythign for me for at least a year" even though he told me he loved me every single day at least 3 times a day and also went out bought a ring and proposed!! I didn't even give him any time to come up with any more lame excuses. It broke my heart but I left him immediately. Guy #3 was just someone I"d started dating (way after #2) and he was an old friend from college. He was a great guy and we had a lot in common. I'd told him what I"d been thru and he'd been divorced because his wife had an affair. Well turns out guy #3 had a girlfriend that he never told me about. I found out when I stopped by his house one day to suprise him. We'd only been dating for a few months but still it was a total shock to me because I"d been to his house before, we gone out on dates in public (no sneaking around) She had been dating him for over a year. She didn't know anything about me and was very angry at him. Obviously I left him right away. The third guy I dated was someone I'd known awhile. He was the total opposite of my exes. He was a single dad with a young son. he'd been almost married like I was- but his ex had run off with another man while he worked two jobs to pay for their wedding. So he knew what it was like to be betrayed! He told me he'd never cheated on anyone and couldnt' imagine doing so because of the pain he went thru. We dated for about two years and I never once doubted this guy because he was the sweetest, most sincere guy I'd ever met. He'd call when he said he would, he was always totally honest with me- would even tell me things that made himself look stupid or bad. He was very open with me about his past, we could talk about anything together. His son and I became very close. We all three spent a lot of time togehter and he and I started talking about marriage (he brought it up) I was hesistant becasue I"ve been engaged twice and those didn't work out so I'm very careful now. I also have to point out that my boyfriend and i were together at least 5 days a week. We also talk at least twice every single day since we started dating. he is always worried that I will find someone else and leave him (like his ex did) but I try to reassure him and we've made plans for the future. Well guess what... I found out that for the last 6 months he's been having what you could call an emotional fling with this woman I've never heard of until this weekend. He's introduced his son to her and everything. His son slipped and said her name and I asked who she was and my boyfriend lied to me and said it was his coworker's sister. He lied to me about never going to her house either. It turns out that when I was on vacation (away from my boyfriend) he'd hang out with this woman and they called eachother on the phone and he would let his son play with her kids. He never once told me about her. Supposedly now, she has a boyfriend but who knows what the truth is. None of the red flags were there- I never suspected anything. He never cancelled plans on me, he never had anyone at his house, he didn't forget to call me, he never lied to me about anything that I caught him at. The only thing I see now is about six months ago he bought a cell phone (but he said it was so I could get ahold of him if he wasn't at his house so I didnt think much of it). I have no idea if he slept with this other woman or not. he says he didnt' but his word is worthless now. How could he go on making plans for the future? encouraging me to "mother" his son? telling me how much I mean to him and he couldnt' imagine me not being in his life? Meanwhile sneaking around to talk to this other woman all the time and lying about it. He says he will never see her again if I stay with him. He has begged me not to leave him. He calls this other woman names, saying he was just bored at times adn when I wasnt around he wanted someone to talk to and that they were only friends. That he was afraid I would get angry if he had a woman friend (he has none, but I always thought that was by choice because he hates his exes) so he didn't tell me. He says he told her about me. She says they didnt' have sex but she could be covering for him. He says he would never date her that she is not someone he would have sex with (not attractive) and that he would never do that to me. But how does this look? he had a friend he lied to me about and concealed her identity. He doesn't want me talking to her and he says she will be completely gone from his life. I don't trust him, i don't think I ever will. I mean how could this guy who KNOWS what I"ve been thru!! That I have trust issues and that with him I finally let down my guard!!!! I finally thought here's someone who isn't going to hurt me. and guess what wrong again!!!!! I should point out that guy #2 that slept with his married ex and my current guy both say they've never cheated on anyone before. My boyfreind has been cheated on and guy#2 was not ever cheated on. So what are the odds that I am the first girlfriend of two men who have NEVER cheated that they decide to cheat on? Its not like I'm refusing to have sex or never talk to my boyfriends, both said our sex life was great and that we talked enough. I spent a lot of time with both of htem but we both had our own activities too. so I dont' really understand. Also NONE of these guys has anything in common at all except that all of them have parents that are still married. I just don't think I"ll ever trust anyone again! Its not like I rush into relationships, i get to know the person first. With #2 yes, there were red flags and I asked him about things but he just made up lies. I'd never been cheated on before so I didnt' realize that they were lies. I just chose to trust him because he had an answer for everything. #3 there were NO red flags, no missing time, no lies that I caught, no changing plans, no women calling him when I was around, he didn't even hide his cell phone from me. His excuse is "you weren't supposed to find out" How can i ever trust anyone again???
tweldy Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 You are completely in control of the situation in which you find yourself. You are attracting a certain kind a person. I guess you could believe that all men or people are like this - its convenient and easy for you, it means you don't have to change and everyone else is to blame. Or you could do a little thought experiment and realize that perhaps you attract a certain kind of person and that, likely, not everyone is a lying, cheating, a**h***. I will prove it to you: A long time ago (now I feel old, dammit) I was like you, well except that I'm a guy, which is highly convenient in this case. I thought all women were out to make men's lives miserable blah blah blah because all women treat me like crap blah blah blah. Now how stupid is that? You are not horrible, are you? There's your proof that my perspective was tainted, as yours is now. I was programmed by my upbringing to be attracted to people that would treat me like crap. A combination of counseling and meds for depression eventually helped me break those chains. You are absolutely right about one thing. You shouldn't trust anyone - your judgement in companions is badly impaired. You think you know people and then out of the blue they turn out to be awful people. That doesn't reflect that all people are bad, it reflects that your judgement in people is bad. Try counseling, self help books, a psychiatrist, a religious leader - find what works for you that helps you see in yourself what is drawing you to these people. I really understand where you're coming from because I've been there and the road out is tough but its worth it. Best of luck.
Keri30 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Thanks for the insight and maybe I do have bad judgement in people but I don't see how that is the case- because none of these guys "Supposedly" cheated on anyone until I was with them. I'm sure the first guy had a porn addiction long before I met him but thats not something you find out when you are just dating and not living together (he lived with his parents and that is something easy to hide). Also there are no common factors in any of these guys- they all had different interests, different upbringing- one was the middle child, one the youngest, another an only child (the porn addict). 2 had been cheated on by exes, the other had not. I was attracted to each of them for different reasons. THe first was extremely easy to talk to, the 2nd was the total opposite of the bad qualities of the first (he was easygoing, helpful, caring and was known by his friends and family as a very honest, down to earth guy. I actually felt "safe" with him. Another I was attracted to because we had a lot in common. The last, because we had been thru the same situation (been cheated on by an ex) and we could relate to eachother on that level and we were both afraid of it happening again. Also we got along very well and had a good time together. So its not like I"m out there picking guys who are "bad boys" before I meet them. Or maybe they are and they just lie to me. The thing is I don't put up with that crap, as soon as I had one shred of evidence I'd been cheated on or lied to, I move on. No questions asked. As hard as it is I won't put up with someone cheating on me. I don't care how painful it is to leave, I would imagine if you let it go once, it just gets worse. I've been to counseling and the counselor said that I look for guys who are the opposite of my dad (he was very controlling, verbally abusive, but charming to outsiders) so I look for guys who have a reputation of being "safe" and who arent aggressive and controlling. Which I thougth was a good thing. But I've noticed with my guy friends (one I've known since we were 15 and he used to be the sweetest, most honest guy you could meet. Now he has a friends-with-benefits woman who he causes agony by constantly breaking plans and lying to her. A guy I work with is cheating on his wife though she's pregnant with their first child. Its not that I damn the entire male population as being untrustworthy I'm just feeling like I have no idea how to weed out the ones who are trustworthy. Because you can't go with what they say (that they've never cheated), you can't prevent infidelity by trying to meet all their needs, you can't go by their reputation of what their friends and family think of them (that they are a good person), and obviously I can't trust my own instincts so what do you do?
Craig Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 The thing is I don't put up with that crap, as soon as I had one shred of evidence I'd been cheated on or lied to, I move on. No questions asked. As hard as it is I won't put up with someone cheating on me. I don't care how painful it is to leave, I would imagine if you let it go once, it just gets worse. I'm wondering (and I don't know you so I'm not saying you're like this) but are you avoiding a long term commitment by selecting partners that will not (eventually) measure up to your standards? ...the counselor said that I look for guys who are the opposite of my dad (he was very controlling, verbally abusive, but charming to outsiders) so I look for guys who have a reputation of being "safe" and who arent aggressive and controlling. Which I thougth was a good thing. I think both kinds of guys are similar under the public facade. Can you see any similarities when you strip them of their public behavior?
Ladyjane14 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 .... saying he was just bored at times adn when I wasnt around he wanted someone to talk to and that they were only friends. Bottom line... you can't be around EVERY MINUTE in order to keep this guy from getting "bored". It's unfortunate that you've had some bad experiences with some dishonest guys... but they're not all like that. These days though.... a girl might end up kissing quite a few frogs before she finds herself a prince. You were up-front with this one and he already knew that if you busted his ass lying it was gonna cost him big. That's why "you weren't supposed to find out" . (!!!!) Don't be too down on yourself about it. Fact is, it's a good thing to know what you want. If you want an honest man... why settle for one who isn't?
Keri30 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I'm wondering (and I don't know you so I'm not saying you're like this) but are you avoiding a long term commitment by selecting partners that will not (eventually) measure up to your standards? No actually, I'm not afraid of commitment and was actually with all these guys longer than a year or two when I found out about the various betrayals. I had definate proof that my ex slept with his married ex who had children after he proposed to me. So maybe he was the one who was afraid of commitment. He was similiar to my dad in that he had this great "public" personality and could get somewhat grouchy and had a bit of a dark side (he was depressed at times I think) but he never abused me mentally or physically and was a good, easy going guy most of the time. That is actually what attracted me after the initial attraction- we both came from homes where our parents fought constantly. When we would argue it would always be very calm- no yelling, just sat down and discussed things. WHen the argument may become heated we'd take a break till we calmed down and would discuss things a little later. He NEVER criticized me and was very non-judgemental. The thing with him though was he didnt like confrontation so maybe thats why he cheated. I have no idea. Maybe to him it was easier than breaking up with me or telling me it was over. I still don't understand that one. I think both kinds of guys are similar under the public facade. Can you see any similarities when you strip them of their public behavior? The last guy (my most recent ex) was sort of an anti social personality in public so definately not like my dad! he was the type of person that really didn't care what others thought of him and could be somewhat rude at times in public. He wasn't obnoxious by any means but just wasn't the life of the party like my dad would be. Growing up I had to hear about how all my friends loved my dad and told me I was so lucky cause he was so nice yet behind closed doors, he'd belitte me and my two sisters and scream and criticize and try to manipulate us. My ex, especially suprised me as I don't have proof that he slept with the other woman he was hiding from me but most likely he did because I see no other reason to hide her presence in his life from me. I have no idea why he thougth he wouldnt' get caught- He knew I'd caught everyone else and left them and that I'd do the same to him. He'd been thru this- hurt before badly and KNEW how horrible it is to be betrayed. He acted like he truly loved me and cared for me and wanted me in his life. Even now (2 months later) he still calls me and begs me to come back to him. He says he's lost his best friend and it is so hard to not talk to me every day. Its hard to walk away from him because he was a part of my life for awhile now and I trusted him more than anyone else. I actually let down my walls and let him get close to me because i thought it was safe. Now actually I may develop a fear of committment because I feel like a rat in a maze where everytime I let down my guard and get close and actually trust the person and feel comfortable that they are not going to hurt me, I get this huge shock, like the rat running the wrong into a wall in that maze. So I may just learn not to get close and stay away from intimacy. I'm not perfect and I don't expect my partner to be either but geez why can't i just find someone who doesn't think its ok to lie and cheat because "you weren't supposed to find out" and "I dont know why I did it, It just happened"
Salicious Crumb Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Keri30...I understand where you are coming from. As a man, I don't trust women either based on my past experiences. I haven't had one woman that i could trust based on their actions, not because of me just being untrusting. That includes my wife who I found out was unfaithful during our engagement which I only found out about years after we were married. After that I suspected she cheated while married, but no proof. Needless to say, in answer to your question...how do you get past it? Well, the only way would be to find someone you can trust, but that means giving someone new in your life the benefit of the doubt. Now I wouldn't know personally since I will never trust my wife again even though I believe she is walking the straight and narrow now. So the only thing I can say is, date, don't make a snap judgement, but don't let your guard down either.
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