honki25 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Hi everyone, I'm Lesley (27) from Wales. I've never had to use a chat forum before so this is new to me. I guess I'm here to talk about last night. I made the biggest decision of my life and that was to walk away from an unfixable situation. I talked over an ongoing issues and because he didn't want to listen, I left!!! I've never done this before, it's normally him who leaves. But this time, it was my decision and I'm starting to question whether what I did was right. I've been with my boyfriend for two years. In fact, it was our anniversary last week but instead of celebrating, problems got in the way and we ended up arguing AGAIN. We've always argued. But I'd been told it's normal to argue from time to time, right? But this is a daily activity now and it's wearing me down. I've tried to talk things through but he doesn't seems to listen - to the point where I have to shout to be heard. I hate the person I've become and I don't want to live like this anymore. It's affecting my health!!! We have so many problems and I just can't see an end to them all. It's a mammouth task and I don't know if I have the energy any longer. I'm not one for quitting but at what point do you say, I'm sorry I can't take this anymore? I've said it a million times but never acting on it. Is this the right time? I've talked to my family and friends but they hate him. Everytime I talk to them, they encourage me to leave him. I feel that anything I say is only bad and they've formed this opinion of him. Have I created this problem by being too honest or is the inevitable just around the corner? I'd really like to speak to someone neutral about what I've been through so maybe you can help me make the right decision for ME!!! Thank you for reading this - I await your replies!!!
shockandawed Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Hi Lesley, The people and advise here is extremely helpful. Can you go into a little more detail what the major problems in your relationship are?
Author honki25 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 His illness is taking over our relationship and he's letting it happen. He suffers from OCD and although he admits he has it, he isn't treating the problem. I've tried as much as I can to get him help but how can you help someone who doesn't want your help.??? I know it must be awful for him and he's going through a really difficult time but he relies on me too much and I can't deal with it anymore. In the past, I've help him with rituals. This is before I read up on OCD and found out it's the wrong thing to do. He has to do his rituals himself to overcome his fears. But since I've put my foot down and said, no! He's gets angry with me and this is where the arguements start. He can't see that I'm trying to help him, he thinks I don't understand but I do!!! Tough love is what they promote but who's it tough on??? I feel awful but it has to be done and he just can't see that!!!
amaysngrace Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Hi honki25. Welcome to LoveShack If you leave it's no guarantee that he's going to snap out of his thinking and go get help. Is he seeing someone for this now? Is he on meds? This is about him. And I agree it's hard to live with a condition such as his. He goes through mental hell on a regular basis, consumed by his own thoughts and beliefs. I have a friend who has this. He's 36 and he still doesn't have it under control. How old is your BF?
shockandawed Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I know very little about OCD so I will leave anything specific to that with better informed minds. I do believe you are right in that you can't help someone who doesn't help themselves. I understand you wanting to stand by him, but is it fair to you if he doesn't use your support? Sometimes people get in a comfort zone, lord knows I have myself. Attacking your problems head on is difficult and knowing you will be there regardless doesn't help him take those steps. I don't believe in ultimatums, but I think you are wise to move on and get out of this if he isn't going to attempt to get better. This isn't a live you deserve. Are there other issues? Why does your family and friends hate him?
Author honki25 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 He's 25!!! I wasn't aware he had it until I moved in with him last year. Things were really bad. He wouldn't allow any furniture in the flat, we slept on an inflatable mattress in the living room cos the bedroom was infected. He wouldn't wear the same clothes twice which was a nightmare. I have debt problems I'm trying to rectify, he's not working cos of his illness, I'm working 7 days a week 7am-9pm as a Carer trying to earn pennies, looking after him aswell and I was warn out. Other things happened between us not long after that and I had a nervous breakdown. I'm currently suffering from GAD (Generalised anxiety disorder). I was unfairly dismissed recently by my Employer so we left the flat to live with his Mum and Stepdad. I'm not working, he isn't either. He's looking for work but in all the wrong places. He wants me to go to Spain with him so he can be closer to his really Father he hasn't seen in years. So I thought, yesterday he told me he was doing to get away from him OCD. He went to the doctor about it a months ago which I know is a big step. He has an appointment with an NHS counsellor on Friday. His Mum paid for a private counsellor before Xmas but he stopped going. and he doesn't want to go back. I don't know, he won't tell me and when I ask we argue. What can I do to get me out of this living hell?
Author honki25 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Yeah, there's other issues!! My breakdown was triggered not only through hard work but by an unexpected email from a Russian girl. He met this girl in LA and she informed me that he'd mental abused her and I think he's doing the same to me, unknowingly maybe? Five months into our relationship, he went to LA for 3 months. And again, last year. We split up the second time. I knew he was running away from his problem. Anyway, he came back and I welcomed him with open arms as normal. To cut a long story short, unknown to me he had some form of relationhip with this girl when he was out there - BOTH TIMES. I've blocked out what the e-mail said so I don't remember what her side of the story is but he says they were "just friends". I now question if that's the case, why didn't he tell me. I have male friends that he knows about! Anyway.. my doctors says my GAD is brought on by Post Traumatic Stress triggered by this event and that's why I'm blocking this from my head. When I felt a little better in myself, we talked things through. I set bounderies and made it clear what I wanted i.e. no lies, no secrets - things I took for granted in a relationship....
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