to Ow- the end for me

[Marielle]

I have posted a lot here, in different stages of the R.

At the beggining I was one of those (and not too long ago) that was beleiving her story is different and special. He is just staying for the baby.

 

I also posted in the bad moments, dissapointed and sad. I also tried NC, but did not last 1 or 2 days....I ve never felt in love like this in my life.

He promised me a future, told me I m the woman of his life, the reason of his life..that I am "HIM". We connected a lot, or I beleived so. 2 yrs investing my heart, a lot of tears, a lot of suffering and that dreaded rollercoaster.

 

We fought a lot...I catched him in lies. He was also afraid to loose me, very jealous.

Now the affair is finally over. I broke up with him explaining him that this is too much pain for me, I was starting to fall phisically ill (got a back strain) and wanted my integrity back. I told him that I became insecure and jealous and want to go back to be shinning like when he met me. That I deserve a R with a man to be 100% with me: physically, emotionally and sharing out lives and $$$ , and he wasn t meeting my needs. I told him that he broke too many promises, and I understood too many times, compromised and sacrificed for him like I did for no other...I told him I deserve to be in a real R like my friends and family.

 

I cried for 2 days, but still manage to go to work....and just know I am feeling better.

TO all of you suffering, please know that it will get better and lighter.

 

I really need support from you guys, maybe I m experimenting a little breakup high (feeling the power back) but I can go to be down again at any time and it's an horrendous feeling.

PLease write to me, I also have PM

[erika2610]

Marielle, I so feel your pain, and I'm so sorry. I have been there, and it's an awful feeling. Just know that it will get better, and this really is for the best. I'm sure you have family and friends who will help you get through this right now. When I broke up with my MM, I didn't think I would get through it, and that the pain would just be too much to deal with. I had friends and family their to pull me through, even the ones who had pulled away from me during our the affair. Aftera while, I felt like a weight was lifted off of me actually. No more hiding, no more crying everyday, and no more being somebody "dirty little secret". I have been single for I won't even say how long, but now I would rather be single than to ever go back to where I was at that point. Things will get better. The door just opened up for somebody to come into your life that will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

 

*hugs*

[frannie]

Hello Marielle

 

Yes, being in an affair as the OP can certainly mess with you physically and mentally and there comes a time when you just have to get out and get back your sense of self. I don't think that the married person can truly appreciate it.

 

Coincidentally this is exactly what I was talking to MM about this morning. Late last week he made some noises about he was going to tell his wife this weekend that he wanted a separation. I haven't pressed him on that recently, but he has said that he intends to have left the home by the end of March. So... Monday came and guess what..? He hadn't said anything. Now, despite the fact that I wasn't expecting him to, hadn't pushed him... some part of me that's really really tired of this did have some hope that he'd get round to it this weekend. Now, he was all sheepish yesterday when he said he hadn't had chance... but what I don't think he realises... it's the time after time the month after month of this that's just wearing away my love for him.

 

He was saying he was 'about to tell her' this time last year and it never happened... and I was so tired of it that I ended things with him and didn't have any contact with him for most of last year. Got back my sense of self! Missed him, decided I could see him again and still be happy... but I quickly realised that no... however 'hard' it is for him to leave, I can't do this affair stuff, it's too draining. So he said OK, I will leave after Christmas. But way down in my gut I think... even if he does leave now am I just too tired with it all that I don't care any longer..?

 

So I was telling him this this morning and he honestly has no clue. He's all excited to come down and see me today, and I'm just thinking... oh joy... yeah we'll have a good time, but until he actually makes that move I feel like I've got him on loan... and more than that, I feel like I'm writing him cheques all the time of my emotion... and the bank is drying out... am I going on and on..? am I making this about me..?

 

When he does leave, if he does leave... I may just be too worn out with it all to whip up any enthusiasm for a future... I feel like I've given, given, given, kept the faith despite all the negative outcomes I've read about, said 'I understand' about five million times... and really, I have no idea whether I've done the right thing at any stage of this.

 

Anyway Marielle... whether you're out for good, or for an extended period while you re-group... it has to be the right thing for you. As soon as you feel your energy draining away you have to get out and take a break or end it... the alternative is to go on accepting less than you know you deserve, and that is soul-destroying.

[Marielle]

Marielle, I so feel your pain, and I'm so sorry. I have been there, and it's an awful feeling. Just know that it will get better, and this really is for the best. I'm sure you have family and friends who will help you get through this right now. When I broke up with my MM, I didn't think I would get through it, and that the pain would just be too much to deal with. I had friends and family their to pull me through, even the ones who had pulled away from me during our the affair. Aftera while, I felt like a weight was lifted off of me actually. No more hiding, no more crying everyday, and no more being somebody "dirty little secret". I have been single for I won't even say how long, but now I would rather be single than to ever go back to where I was at that point. Things will get better. The door just opened up for somebody to come into your life that will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

 

*hugs*

 

Thaks Erika, **tears in my eyes*** that's what I hope that it will get better someday. I know it's going to be tough but at least I feel lighter and regaining my pride. Honestly I think no one deserves to be someones little secret.

THanks for being there for me...THe best thing that happened to me out of this R is to come across LS!!! It helped me a lot and will be here for long.

[Marielle]

Hello Marielle

 

Yes, being in an affair as the OP can certainly mess with you physically and mentally and there comes a time when you just have to get out and get back your sense of self. I don't think that the married person can truly appreciate it.

 

Coincidentally this is exactly what I was talking to MM about this morning. Late last week he made some noises about he was going to tell his wife this weekend that he wanted a separation. I haven't pressed him on that recently, but he has said that he intends to have left the home by the end of March. So... Monday came and guess what..? He hadn't said anything. Now, despite the fact that I wasn't expecting him to, hadn't pushed him... some part of me that's really really tired of this did have some hope that he'd get round to it this weekend. Now, he was all sheepish yesterday when he said he hadn't had chance... but what I don't think he realises... it's the time after time the month after month of this that's just wearing away my love for him.

 

He was saying he was 'about to tell her' this time last year and it never happened... and I was so tired of it that I ended things with him and didn't have any contact with him for most of last year. Got back my sense of self! Missed him, decided I could see him again and still be happy... but I quickly realised that no... however 'hard' it is for him to leave, I can't do this affair stuff, it's too draining. So he said OK, I will leave after Christmas. But way down in my gut I think... even if he does leave now am I just too tired with it all that I don't care any longer..?

 

So I was telling him this this morning and he honestly has no clue. He's all excited to come down and see me today, and I'm just thinking... oh joy... yeah we'll have a good time, but until he actually makes that move I feel like I've got him on loan... and more than that, I feel like I'm writing him cheques all the time of my emotion... and the bank is drying out... am I going on and on..? am I making this about me..?

 

When he does leave, if he does leave... I may just be too worn out with it all to whip up any enthusiasm for a future... I feel like I've given, given, given, kept the faith despite all the negative outcomes I've read about, said 'I understand' about five million times... and really, I have no idea whether I've done the right thing at any stage of this.

 

Anyway Marielle... whether you're out for good, or for an extended period while you re-group... it has to be the right thing for you. As soon as you feel your energy draining away you have to get out and take a break or end it... the alternative is to go on accepting less than you know you deserve, and that is soul-destroying.

 

Hey Frannie,

That's exactly what ended up happening with me, I was fed up of the rain checks, got to the point that after so many broken promises (till last week he was mentioning our future and having a baby_when he noticed I was pulling appart)- and I got to the point where I didn t care anymore and that special feeling I had for him faded away. Even if he separates I don t want it anymore because I got worn out and lost that immense love I had for him.

 

At the beggining he made me feel the most beautiful woman on earth and special, and little by little I became this insecure little girl ashamed of herself.

I can only count with my mother, bwcause my friends slowly pulled appart, and the ones who stayed do not know that I ws still with him, becasue I didn t want to hear theyre comments "he;s using you for sex" "he's an ashole" your too pretty, too smart for him" etc....LS is my nly and best support

 

Frannie, I won t act as an ex smoker and give you lecture, even after this will pass...I m here to support you in any decition you take, and all ears, and will never judge you or anyone.

But I hope my experience will help you a bit

((((Hugs)))

[erika2610]

Thaks Erika, **tears in my eyes*** that's what I hope that it will get better someday. I know it's going to be tough but at least I feel lighter and regaining my pride. Honestly I think no one deserves to be someones little secret.

THanks for being there for me...THe best thing that happened to me out of this R is to come across LS!!! It helped me a lot and will be here for long.

 

You're welcome. You're right, nobody deserves to be somebody's little secret. When I was with my MM, it was honestly such a low point. Yes, he was great, and I cared about him soooooo much, but in the end, it just wasn't worth it. Not looking back. I gave up so much. I moved outta my house, I alienated my family and friends. I got back nothing. When I needed somebody the most, he was nowehere to be found. And when I did find him, he treated me like crap. Now I'm at the point where I look back and wonder what the hell was wrong with me?! So many promises, so many "I realize how badly I've been treating you and it's not fair to you", "I'm going to start treating you better and be there for you" lines. So much heartache. Well, you just walk into work, or wherever you go with your head held high, knowing you're doing the right thing! You have to do what's right for you.

[frannie]

Hey Frannie,

That's exactly what ended up happening with me, I was fed up of the rain checks, got to the point that after so many broken promises (till last week he was mentioning our future and having a baby_when he noticed I was pulling appart)- and I got to the point where I didn t care anymore and that special feeling I had for him faded away. Even if he separates I don t want it anymore because I got worn out and lost that immense love I had for him.

 

At the beggining he made me feel the most beautiful woman on earth and special, and little by little I became this insecure little girl ashamed of herself.

I can only count with my mother, bwcause my friends slowly pulled appart, and the ones who stayed do not know that I ws still with him, becasue I didn t want to hear theyre comments "he;s using you for sex" "he's an ashole" your too pretty, too smart for him" etc....LS is my nly and best support

 

Frannie, I won t act as an ex smoker and give you lecture, even after this will pass...I m here to support you in any decition you take, and all ears, and will never judge you or anyone.

But I hope my experience will help you a bit

((((Hugs)))

 

No, I know exactly what you're saying. I'm worried that even if/when he does leave I won't care any longer. He's all excited to see me today and I'm thinking... oh, so what..? Three years of 'waiting' and we're still not there. Maybe I've used up all the energy I had for this relationship and there's no point in continuing.

 

I've gone NC before as I said, and I am wondering whether I shouldn't just do it again. I had a great time when I didn't have to think about it all day to day. But on the other hand, I've no idea if that's not stupid when he's about to tell her (he claims!). Every noise he makes is different from how it was in the past... I'm 90% sure he's about to tell her. But... am I just getting cold feet..? Am I scared of it actually happening..? I don't know what is in my mind. I can't fathom it. I feel quite annoyed that this has all been this way... not a normal relationship, nothing easy, everything a trial, and eternally delayed gratification...

 

[Marielle]

No, I know exactly what you're saying. I'm worried that even if/when he does leave I won't care any longer. He's all excited to see me today and I'm thinking... oh, so what..? Three years of 'waiting' and we're still not there. Maybe I've used up all the energy I had for this relationship and there's no point in continuing.

 

I've gone NC before as I said, and I am wondering whether I shouldn't just do it again. I had a great time when I didn't have to think about it all day to day. But on the other hand, I've no idea if that's not stupid when he's about to tell her (he claims!). Every noise he makes is different from how it was in the past... I'm 90% sure he's about to tell her. But... am I just getting cold feet..? Am I scared of it actually happening..? I don't know what is in my mind. I can't fathom it. I feel quite annoyed that this has all been this way... not a normal relationship, nothing easy, everything a trial, and eternally delayed gratification...

 

 

Well, why don t you give him a last chance (if you really want to be with him) and if not, then go NC....

WHen is he going to tell her as per his last notice? If he's so chikened out, you know, he might also regret his decision. That was always my fear, if he was going to leave....then as a coward guilty schmuck he is, he would end going back because of remorse.

 

As I said give it another chance without threatening him, see what he does in the short term. Otherwise show him the door, lol

I will be here for you

[frannie]

Well, why don t you give him a last chance (if you really want to be with him) and if not, then go NC....

WHen is he going to tell her as per his last notice? If he's so chikened out, you know, he might also regret his decision. That was always my fear, if he was going to leave....then as a coward guilty schmuck he is, he would end going back because of remorse.

 

As I said give it another chance without threatening him, see what he does in the short term. Otherwise show him the door, lol

I will be here for you

 

That's the thing, Marielle... I don't know about you, but I do a lot of reading on these sites and it happens all the time... man leaves, man gets guilty, man goes back

 

That's part of the reason this entire thing has been so tiring for me... because as the OW it's not possible to relax, think 'oh this will work out' because there are just too many things that can go wrong. He's like: oh, once I've told her, that's it... that will be the end of it and I'll be out. He's of the opinion that if she had ever (God forbid) found out about it, she'd throw him out and it would be over anyway... that I'd never be 'thrown under a bus'... but helloooo... I don't have the luxury of believing that. It's a strain, because if he leaves as you say, he could go back... he's so laid back about how he loves me and it will be ok, and how happy he is now he's about to tell her blah blah.

 

I'm still on tenderhooks. I refuse to live in cloud cuckoo land. And constantly to keep that in mind, never to let myself be happy with it, always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, listen and read about MM users, second-guessing everything he says. It's not normal and it's not right and it has taken its toll. I just don't know...

 

Actually I've just been talking to a friend and realised how ANGRY I am with MM for this past weekend. I need to step back and not get involved with his separation, etc. But at the same time how can I do that when I'm involved with HIM and I just can't think... it'll all work out. I can't take his reassurances with anything other than a pinch of salt. I've always said: I'll believe it when I see it.

 

Is that where you got to..? What was your MM saying about leaving..? Planning babies etc..? Is he still saying that or was he when you told him you were out..?

[Marielle]

That's the thing, Marielle... I don't know about you, but I do a lot of reading on these sites and it happens all the time... man leaves, man gets guilty, man goes back

 

That's part of the reason this entire thing has been so tiring for me... because as the OW it's not possible to relax, think 'oh this will work out' because there are just too many things that can go wrong. He's like: oh, once I've told her, that's it... that will be the end of it and I'll be out. He's of the opinion that if she had ever (God forbid) found out about it, she'd throw him out and it would be over anyway... that I'd never be 'thrown under a bus'... but helloooo... I don't have the luxury of believing that. It's a strain, because if he leaves as you say, he could go back... he's so laid back about how he loves me and it will be ok, and how happy he is now he's about to tell her blah blah.

 

I'm still on tenderhooks. I refuse to live in cloud cuckoo land. And constantly to keep that in mind, never to let myself be happy with it, always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, listen and read about MM users, second-guessing everything he says. It's not normal and it's not right and it has taken its toll. I just don't know...

 

Actually I've just been talking to a friend and realised how ANGRY I am with MM for this past weekend. I need to step back and not get involved with his separation, etc. But at the same time how can I do that when I'm involved with HIM and I just can't think... it'll all work out. I can't take his reassurances with anything other than a pinch of salt. I've always said: I'll believe it when I see it.

 

Is that where you got to..? What was your MM saying about leaving..? Planning babies etc..? Is he still saying that or was he when you told him you were out..?

 

Yeah, he was making promises till the end, BUT, he would never open the subject...it was always me from time to time, and he would also act laid back, like relax, It s obvious that we are going to end together (we are made for each other) think positively (he would also roll eyes, like , oh no, this subject again!)...he even told me he s sleeping on the couch....(can t knwo the truth)

once I was really down, he grabbed me in his arms (omg, feeling down again) and said: why instead of stressing out and worring all the time, why don t you use that time thinking about our future, what we are going to do, etc....)

All pure lies (or realities that he could not have the courage to do)

I know it wouldn t happen becasue of a lot of small details, and becasue he made that promise and broke it too many times. SO I lost the magic love for him, wvwn though I miss him, or miss the feeling of who I thought he was.

[Marielle]

Frannie:

Maybe him, or mine (x) are not lying, but they can t take a decision, for different reasons....they are maybe suffering too...mine has a baby.

 

But what hit me is that he was willing to string me along and not completely empathise with my pain...and also other lies I found out.

ANd it s time to think about me, and what kind of life I want to live. I m 35 and I m at the limit time to find someone to have a family with one day.

[Walk]

Hi Marielle! Great job on standing up for what you need. Be proud of yourself!! You were smart enough to realize it was hurting you and you changed what needed to be changed. It takes a great deal of courage to do that. To let go of the known and step out into unfamiliar territory.

 

I'm really proud of you for standing up for what you deserve.

[Marielle]

Thanks Walk

I really feel proud of myself, I thought I would never be able to do it..nothing is impossible.

I m running late to work.....but I really need you guys...hope when I get back home to see even more input

 

Bye for now

[frannie]

Frannie:

Maybe him, or mine (x) are not lying, but they can t take a decision, for different reasons....they are maybe suffering too...mine has a baby.

 

But what hit me is that he was willing to string me along and not completely empathise with my pain...and also other lies I found out.

ANd it s time to think about me, and what kind of life I want to live. I m 35 and I m at the limit time to find someone to have a family with one day.

 

Well of course you're right... you have to look out for yourself first. I've never caught my MM in any lies to me, but I am with you on this: not 'understanding' (or empathising as you put it) my pain is NOT a good sign and it makes me uncomfortable. I know no one can leave a marriage to please someone else, to make me 'happy' or whatever, and that's how I always reason with myself about it... but even so, there's a distinct lack of ability or willingness maybe for him to think about what this has done to me. And that doesn't sit well.

[whichwayisup]

You've done the right thing, so stay strong. Don't give in to any weak moments. Post here when you feel the urge to contact him. Or if he contacts you, don't reply back - Post here.

 

I've never caught my MM in any lies to me,

 

He probably does, but you don't know it because he's not been caught. Don't mean that in a harsh way, just saying that he's lying to his wife....you know where I'm going with this.........

[frannie]

He probably does, but you don't know it because he's not been caught. Don't mean that in a harsh way, just saying that he's lying to his wife....you know where I'm going with this.........

 

I know. Best to be realistic. As you say, he has preferred to lie (even by omission) to his wife rather than sort out what needs to be done there, so he has a history. He knows though... if I catch him lying to me about anything, no matter how small, it's curtains. I don't need that kind of stuff on top of everything else. Of course at the moment there's no real need to lie to me about anything... but I'm aware it could happen.

[PoshPrincess]

Marielle, well done! So what if you're on a unrealistic high at the moment? (it might not be in any case!) Just make the most of those moments and take comfort from them on your not-so-good days. It really does get easier! I have to say, I still think of my ex-MM often (although we do have occasional contact which probably doesn't help) but the thoughts are nowhere near as painful as when we were together. I am not constantly torturing myself anymore. Wondering if he'll phone, wondering if he'll leave, always wondering........something....... Yes, your MM has a baby, mine had kids too, but they ALWAYS seem to have an excuse. My MM was going to leave this time last year (W had found out about us just before Xmas). He reckons he told her in January that he was no longer happy and he was going to leave....but it never happened. There was always another excuse why he couldn't go. And, as we know, even if they do leave we can't guarantee they won't go back. Then again, every relationship is always a risk I guess.

 

Basically, you've done the right thing. If he really wants to be with you, above all else, then he will leave. Be strong!

 

Frannie, hope you're ok. I can't believe you're seeing him again after such a long break but then again, I can, if you know what I mean. I am always SO close to doing the same thing myself. On the one ocassion that I have seen him since the END of the END I still ached for him with all my heart, but then again I just think how miserable the relationship made me feel and I know I can't put myself through it all again. And anyway, he wouldn't have me back as a 'bit on the side' which helps. He's not happy, he's playing the martyr, and I HATE that! I know there's a lot of us who would like to see exMM as miserable as hell for all the pain we've been through ourselves but I know my MM didn't intentionally hurt me and I honestly wish he could move on too, rather than just 'settling'. I think maybe exMM and I are both hoping for the other to move on so that we can, so it's a bit of a viscious circle, but definitely the less contact the better. I felt like s**t over Xmas after having seen him. It's now nearly two weeks without any contact and I am feeling better again. We all know what we have to do - it's putting it into practice that's the hard part!

[frannie]

... they ALWAYS seem to have an excuse. My MM was going to leave this time last year...

 

Yep... so was mine. Always have an excuse... too right.

 

I'm ok. I know I can end it (again) if needs be... there's light at the end of the tunnel, always.

[Marielle]

I can t describe the feeling I had this morning, I felt like finally it was over.

I think I called it victory too soon.

Around noon I started to feel so sick I could hardly breath...I work over the phone and my voice started to sound le crying.

I asked to leave midday (it's a new job, at the bank, don t think it;s a good record)

And I will admit I did the worst thing I could possibly do: I called him.

I know it's wrong...we talked, he seemed quite sad and agreed to go for a coffee, but not as a couple, just to talk as friends. He doesnt want to talk about the "breakup email" i sent him because It hurt him too much, but just to be with each other at a cofee place.

 

I admit I will go, but I don t want the R to start again, I was very proud of myself...and I know seeing him and contacting him will ruin it.

 

How should I act?

PLease keep helping me, I know I did something wrong but I m really commited to end it.

 

 

I feel I ruined everything!

[Marielle]

Thanks for all input, each one of you! It really helps and motivates me after I go through this stupid incident.

I feel momentarely stupid again:lmao:

[pricillia]

You've done the right thing, so stay strong. Don't give in to any weak moments. Post here when you feel the urge to contact him. Or if he contacts you, don't reply back - Post here.

 

 

 

He probably does, but you don't know it because he's not been caught. Don't mean that in a harsh way, just saying that he's lying to his wife....you know where I'm going with this.........

 

Which Way... thanks for replying in a positive way here...

 

IMHO I mostly see the posts convincing OW to leave...

 

It would be nice it some of the BS's could also encourage OP

Thanks...

P

[whichwayisup]

Once an OW is actually in the affair, trying to get out, they need encouragement. I do know I'm quite harsh(er) on women/men who aren't the 'other person' yet...I will say alot to convince them NOT to get into an affair. Same goes for a spouse who wants to cheat on their husband/wife.

 

You're welcome P.

[pricillia]

I know WW, just saying it would be nice if some of the others would post here as well.

[puddleofmud]

I admire the honesty in the posts on this thread!

Thanks to all as it does also help me.

No matter the situation there is always a point of self-preservation and one needs to hold on to that as best they are able in order to find what is best for ourselves.

I completely identify with the issue of someone wearing you down, that they no longer seem to be what we thought they were, and seeing them for what they "are" is painstaking and shocking.

I also indentify with still being in love with the idea of what we "thought" they were...it's a hard process and long and hard road!

I find it helpful that others are feeling similar and am glad to be able to read these thoughts!

[sadbuttrue]

marielle, i am feeling the physical and mental pain of my R with MM as well. i can not eat, i am stressed constantly, i went to the doctor and have started antidepressant medicine, and now i am seeing a therapist. all because i am in love with a MM who says he wants to be with me but doesnt want to leave his family. i am thinking about dating a SG, but it will be extremely hard for me to do with the feelings i have for MM.

 

i am glad that you have been able to at least make the first step to free yourself from such a destructive R. it will not be easy, it never is when there are such strong feelings involved.