Arg im so mad - been set back in healing :(

[RocketMan2]

Hi,

 

So she dumped me out of the blue, a whined for a bit but then adopted NC.

 

About a week ago she was texting me being very blunt asking me to tell her how to fix her internet, no Ps or Qs. I ignored them until she came online hassling. I emailed her, probably sounding quite parental saying "you know i'd help you, but you cant even say please or talk to me politely" she brushed it off, no appology.

 

Anyway all was fine, ive been moving on and feeling a lot better. She text me the other day asking for her stuff back, quite politely. I was gonna wait a while to reply but forgot so she text me again last night.

 

I said id sort it soon but im busy at the moment. She said thats fine, no rush, what you been upto?

 

Like an idiot i fell right into her trap, thinking she was showing interest in me and that maybe theres a glimmer of hope! I tried to resist feeling this because i knew it would end in disappointment. I text back saying oh im just out having a few drinks.

 

Then comes the killer, she comes straight out with "can you give me that £50 ($100) that you owe me, i really need it at the moment"

 

I'm so mad. Was she playing me all along being nice because she realised that if she was nice to me i'd cooperate??? Would she be that devious??? I know you obviously dont know her, but neither do i by the looks of it!

 

Now i do owe her that money, but if shes going to start down that road she must owe me about £100, in money ive lent her and never asked for back, and shes never offered to repay. Im not getting into that argument with her, I'd rather just pay her off to get rid.

 

Im so confused and hurt again I really want her back ((((

 

How can i get to the truth? Part of me wants to meet her for a drink and talk about stuff, but I dont think i could face the rejection a second time. As i don't know how shes feeling i cant weight the risk against the potential reward.

 

Could really do with some support here guys

 

Thanks

[cityboy]

Hey man - right there with you. After a nice weekend with friends, creating distance, being healthy and all about myself, she calls Sunday. Says she was going to stop by "our" place (she left about a month ago) to get some things, wanted to know if I'd be around.

 

Like you, the idiot that I also am, I asked if she wanted me to be there.

 

"It'd be nice to see you," says she.

 

Enter sucker. I bolt on my friends to go see her, like there's some ray of home. How stupid am I, right? She shows up, asks if I'm hungry. I wasn't, but went anyway. Idiot, again. So we talk and I get hurt all over again and I'm sitting here pining, crying, doing stupid things like messaging her at 3am.

 

If I've learned anything it's that we fall harder each time we allow that to happen. I had successfully pulled off NC for 2 weeks prior to her call on Sunday and was doing well with it. Not perfect, but I was going out, having some fun, keeping up with my exercise.

 

You ask "How can I get at the truth?" I've asked myself that a million times tonight as well, friend. The thing is, we know the truth, and that's what hurts. It stings. It keeps us up at night like idiots.

 

We're better than that, we know we're better than that, and we know we need to move on, but damn we love them.

 

I guess all I am saying is that I understand, and I'm with you in spirit. Feel free to PM me if you want to have a bitch session. Sounds like we're in similar places.

 

Cheers.

[RocketMan2]

What do u reckon i should text her back saying?

 

She obviously thinks she can just manipulate me, and I dont want to look like im bowing to her every request. I need to be strong.

 

Plus i cant really afford it atm, so not paying up now is just going to delay more pain till later?

[cityboy]

I'd say just don't reply. She's looking for ways to poke at you, see how much control she still has, feel good about herself, etc. Just don't reply. As you said, you owe her nothing.

[RocketMan2]

She doesnt think she owes me anything, mainly because it was drunken money lending that she'll have forgotten about. I wasnt bothered about it anyway, I was the earner and shes at college, i saw it as pocket money lol

 

She'll just think im ignoring her now she wants money, and like i want to just get out of paying it. Its not that, its the prinipal that shes nice when she wants money. I cant make her realise that though.

 

What a bitch. How could i never have seen this side of her?

 

How can she just lose all her scruples? Am i not seeing this clearly?

[cityboy]

How can she just lose all her scruples? Am i not seeing this clearly?

 

Nope, you're not. You're the least objective person about this situation in the world aside from her.

 

Look at it this way. If you're going to go NC with her, why not start now? Why send that final message? What will it prove? What will it accomplish? Consider what happens next when you reply - does she want the money in person? Does she want more? Does she just keep putting it off so she can string you along?

 

Here's what my ex did this week - IM'd me on Tuesday (after weeks of NC) when she knew I'd be at my desk at work. Small talked, I tried to not be very responsive, and then said she needed to come by to pick up some things. I said fine, whatever, as I probably wouldn't be there anyway and she still has keys.

 

What does she do?

 

Says she'll come later that week.

 

Proceeds to call me on Sunday, and then see above for what happens next.

 

I truly believe they just want to feel better about themselves and feel like they have options. By responding like the idiots that we are, we give them that and are left feeling alone and betrayed, concluding that the girls we loved for years are bitches, as you say.

 

I wish I could say that I do the same. I msg'd her a couple hours ago like a whimpering idiot. Gotta stop this train, and you do too.

[RocketMan2]

She wants her stuff back.

 

Shes doesnt want to reconcile.

 

I must keep telling myself this.

 

I've already told her ill get her stuff back to her later this week. I didnt say id see her or organise anything, but shes expecting some contact soon.

 

I dont know how to go about it. I want her to regret it

 

Shall i just give her £50 in pennies? ha. lol

[lovelorcet]

Here is what I would do... Get all her stuff together and the money... I am not sure but it is not that much really... Leave it on her doorstep or in some way that you do not see her. Send her a txt that says "your stuff is (whereever)" and...

 

THEN NC HER!!!

 

No exception, this girl is going to F*ck with you as long as she can so get out now.

 

Also, get ready for the fact that there is a good chance she is already banging some other dude.

 

Trust me and do yourself a favor... get out now...

[lovelorcet]

and another thing, don't try to mess with her becasue that will just blow up in your face.

[RocketMan2]

Also, get ready for the fact that there is a good chance she is already banging some other dude.

 

Trust me and do yourself a favor... get out now...

 

 

That hurts so much

 

I cant even imagine it

 

i just want to be sick

[lovelorcet]

You will be fine, trust me... Been there, done that...

 

That is why it is important to cut her out of your life. You want her to regret this and the more you try the less she will.

 

There is nothing a chick hates more then to dump a guy and then to see that he is doing great without her. It may take you 6 months till you are able to strut your stuff in front of her but until you have healed, stay away. You will only hurt yourself.

 

You need to take care of yourself right now and work on forgetting her.

[RocketMan2]

There is nothing a chick hates more then to dump a guy and then to see that he is doing great without her.

 

Can you elaborate on that? How do i behave to appear 'doing great'? What is she thinking???/

 

Im know ive been letting her walk all over me, im just too much of a pussy to man up and stand up to her because i want to be nice so she comes back

 

I know thats not going to work, i just dont know what else to do

 

Thanks

[lovelorcet]

Can you elaborate on that? How do i behave to appear 'doing great'? What is she thinking???/

 

Im know ive been letting her walk all over me, im just too much of a pussy to man up and stand up to her because i want to be nice so she comes back

 

I know thats not going to work, i just dont know what else to do

 

Thanks

 

First thing you need to do is realize that you are going to be fine with out her, no matter how you may feel right now the truth is you really will be fine. Second thing is to accept the fact that she is not going to come back and there is nothing you can really do to influence this.

 

What is she thinking? She dumped you and is most likely insecure in some way. Well she makes contact and f*cks with you so she can see how bad you are doing. That is just an ego boost for her. She gets her rocks off and then is probably off getting banged by some other guy. Why give her that? Why let her walk all over you, where is your self respect? Grow some balls man.

 

Here is an important point... being "nice" is not going to win her back.

 

So what are your options, what can you do and what can you control...

 

You shut your mouth and leave her alone. Be respectful to her and give her her stuff back because you are a good man and that is it. LEAVE HER ALONE and if she tries to contact you then ignore her.

 

Now this is going to be really and I mean really hard for about the first 2 weeks. It is going to feel wrong to ignore her but it is the right thing to do. After about a month you will realize that you have started to gain distance from her and you will start to understand why it was important to leave her alone.

 

So your other option is to keep playing this game with her and she will drag you through the mud and you can keep feeling the same way you are feeling now.

 

Is that what you want? I know where you are right now and it sucks, so now it is in your hands to DO something about it.

 

You are going to have a lot of free time on your hands now that she is out of your life. Plan that time well. Make it a priority to keep busy. Go jogging till you have to puke if you must. Even force yourself to go out and do stuff.

 

You are not able to "appear" like you are doing great right now and that is why you should have nothing to do with this girl at the moment. Maybe in a few months you will be doing great and you will bump into her... But that is not important because at that point you know what? You won't even want her anymore.

 

Also look up posts from Caliguy and NoFoolin I leaned a lot from reading them.

[shockandawed]

RocketMan,

 

Relapses suck!!!

 

As much as this hurts, you need to get the stuff together ASAP, along with the money. Maybe you don't truly owe it, but like you said, it's not worth the heartache. Take it to her. I know...just went through that yesterday. It really sucks since it will be the last time you have contact. At least until something breaks. But you have to do it to heal. And it is the first step in showing her you are moving along.

 

Women aren't attracted to wimps. Think about how you were when she fell for you. Chances are you are acting the complete opposite now. Not being hard my friend, I am the exact same way. Anyway, she is calling all the shots and is interested in screwing with you, I am sure to see if you are still on the line. You wait for her to text or whatever about the stuff and you use it as an excuse for contact. It is really an excuse for relapse.

 

Make the move this time. Box it, contact her and tell her you have the stuff, ask her to meet you in a neutral spot. Give it to her, don't ask how she has been or answer if she asks you. Tell her you understand that both of you need to be happy. Give her a hug, wish her well and take off. I did this approach yesterday and saw a different side to her. Not saying she is coming back today, but there was definite grief.

 

It will be hard, but you will feel better immediately!!!

[RocketMan2]

Thanks lovelorcet, harsh words, but fair, and i think i needed telling

 

But you have to do it to heal. And it is the first step in showing her you are moving along.

 

Do i, is it?

 

Im not feeling that bad, it wasnt a total relapse, im managing to stay in control. i think.

 

Women aren't attracted to wimps. Think about how you were when she fell for you. Chances are you are acting the complete opposite now. Not being hard my friend, I am the exact same way. Anyway, she is calling all the shots and is interested in screwing with you, I am sure to see if you are still on the line. You wait for her to text or whatever about the stuff and you use it as an excuse for contact. It is really an excuse for relapse.

Exactly. Its just the worry of not seeming like i care, so she'll think "well **** it then, if hes over it so easilly" How do i get the balance right?

 

Make the move this time. Box it, contact her and tell her you have the stuff, ask her to meet you in a neutral spot. Give it to her, don't ask how she has been or answer if she asks you. Tell her you understand that both of you need to be happy. Give her a hug, wish her well and take off. I did this approach yesterday and saw a different side to her. Not saying she is coming back today, but there was definite grief.

 

Really, do you mind going in to it a bit more? Im just trying to guage what might happen, be nice to hear your story too

 

It will be hard, but you will feel better immediately!!!

 

:S i doubt that.

 

Should i see her again to give it her or not??? arrgggg

[upsetnhurt]

Rocketman,

 

You seem to think your actions, whichever they are, will have some impact on how she feels about you at the moment. You couldn't push her farther away any more so than she is now! You can't win her back by your nice actions! She has already seen that good side of you and it was not enough to keep her around the first time. It's her problem buddy and unfortunately she is looking for something different in a person. So if she tells you what she is looking for, are you going to change for her? I would hope not cause you should never have to change for anyone, nor should she. People in love accept other folks faults (to a certain degree) because they can't envision life without them. If your ex feels its better to look elsewhere, let her.

 

Simply put, be the better person and show her you are a mature guy that won't put up with any crap from an insecure person. Put her stuff in a box with the money if you feel you owe it to her and go and leave it at her door. I assure you that you won't gain anything by seeing her at the moment and in reality will only be pushing her further away. As much as you need time away to heal emotionally, she needs time away from you to heal her mindset too. Think of it this way, the more you speak with her and show her your vulnerable side.....the longer this saga will continue. Do you want that? The past is the past and unfortunately your relationship with her is over. So be it, sucks yet things happen. The logical step now is to both live life to its fullest apart and in the future who knows what will happen.........

[RocketMan2]

Rocketman,

 

You seem to think your actions, whichever they are, will have some impact on how she feels about you at the moment.

 

I know

 

I just love her so much

 

I really really really want her back.

 

She just cast me aside after being perfectly happy like a worthless rag. Told me she thought a load of stuff that just wasnt true and and i just want the opportunity to correct it. I know i cant/shouldnt do anything about it though.

 

God man this hurts so much.

[shockandawed]

 

Exactly. Its just the worry of not seeming like i care, so she'll think "well **** it then, if hes over it so easilly" How do i get the balance right?

 

 

 

Really, do you mind going in to it a bit more? Im just trying to guage what might happen, be nice to hear your story too

 

 

 

:S i doubt that.

 

Should i see her again to give it her or not??? arrgggg

 

As far as balance, you have to change the balance completely now, she has it all. You have told her over and over how you feel. She gets it. What she doesn't get is you are capable of moving on. That is what she needs to see now. Remember, this is for your healing, if it causes her to change her behavior to you, then bonus.

 

As far as my story, here is the link http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=109524&page=2

 

I don't want to hijack your thread. Only you can decide if you are capable of seeing her. I am glad I did now. She called me yesterday to return the diamond and watch and offered to meet me somewhere to do it. I felt that I would be showing signs of being weak if I asked her to leave it somewhere or whatever. That I should simply take her request head on and do it. It was strangely empowering. I think you should do it in person, and show indifference. But I know that is tough. And you have to make sure if you do, any signs of weakness, you just let hang out there. No attempts to reconcille on this meeting. Let it fester in her head.

[upsetnhurt]

So if she comes running back in your arms, will you believe her then that she loves you? Will you ever be able to know what she is really thinking from this point on? Do you want those constant thoughts with you for the rest of your life? Probably not and the sooner you see this for what it is the better you will feel. You don't love her at the moment, you are obsessing over her as you put this woman on a pedestal and nothing can take her down. Wish you could see what we see based on what you have written about her......she seems like a real loser!

[RocketMan2]

You don't love her at the moment, you are obsessing over her as you put this woman on a pedestal and nothing can take her down. Wish you could see what we see based on what you have written about her......she seems like a real loser!

 

What do you see? I need telling

 

Heres more details if you havent seen it already: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t108714/

[RocketMan2]

Let it fester in her head.

 

Yeah thats what i want to do, remind her what shes missing I know its futile

[upsetnhurt]

Again....what are you hoping for Rocketman? Why would you care if she regrets her decision. She made it and now must live with it! You unfortunately must also deal with the consequences and will be better for it in the long run. You tell me....what is so good about this woman? I am ready to hear it and keep in mind that she left you!

[lovelorcet]

Do not concentrate on her, take care of and work on YOURSELF!

[shockandawed]

Rocket,

 

One of the best things I have done so far is make a list of everything I didn't like about her. It started out with the few biggies but I kept wanting to go back and add to it. It got kind of silly but it really helps.

 

I wouldn't make a list of all her good points. You have played them over and over in your head already.

[lovelorcet]

Dude... I just read that this girl is 18...

 

Really, let her go and be a man.