Guest Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I don't know exactly where to start.....but I guess the beginning works! About six months ago I met a man online. He is a 43 year old commercial airline pilot, told me he was divorced (twice) and had custody of his 13 year old son. He flew out to meet me and a relationship developed. He then invested in my business about a month after meeting. Not long after that I received an email from an angry wife calling me a homewrecking bitch. I was in shock. I soon found out he was married to a 23 year old! And not only did he have a 13 year old son but he also had twin 1 year old sons. He off course had every excuse in the book and he claimed they were seperated when we met. She somewhat confirmed that, but then the drama began. For the last several months he has basically bounced between us. Allthough he is seperated and just had mediation, he hasn't really let her go. He spends hours each day dealing with what I refer to as "her drama". For example, he was here visiting last week ago and while we were laying in bed in the morning he had to make several phone calls and his phone kept ringing because she was having issues with getting cable installed at her apartment. My response is how is this his issue? That is only the tip of the iceberg, basically this man as pushed me to finalize my divorce (I have been seperated since last April, but have no issues with my ex, we get along great and he knows my boyfriend, no lies). He has isolated me from friends and family. He tries to control everything. He ended up investing a lot in my business, and now is the majority shareholder. If I upset him he uses things on me, such as withholding money. So we are tied together. Which makes it difficult. He has not been honest with his wife either, she doesn't know he owns part of the business or that we have continued our relationship. She has no clue how many times he has come out here to visit me. He has a lot of control over her too. I just don't know what to do...I have a little financial freedom coming here soon with my tax refund and backpay on the social security for my son (my ex husband is disabled). I just don't know if I can be strong enough...he has this way of making me do what he wants. HELP!
NoIDidn't Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I don't know exactly where to start.....but I guess the beginning works! About six months ago I met a man online. He is a 43 year old commercial airline pilot, told me he was divorced (twice) and had custody of his 13 year old son. He flew out to meet me and a relationship developed. He then invested in my business about a month after meeting. Not long after that I received an email from an angry wife calling me a homewrecking bitch. I was in shock. I soon found out he was married to a 23 year old! And not only did he have a 13 year old son but he also had twin 1 year old sons. He off course had every excuse in the book and he claimed they were seperated when we met. She somewhat confirmed that, but then the drama began. For the last several months he has basically bounced between us. Allthough he is seperated and just had mediation, he hasn't really let her go. He spends hours each day dealing with what I refer to as "her drama". For example, he was here visiting last week ago and while we were laying in bed in the morning he had to make several phone calls and his phone kept ringing because she was having issues with getting cable installed at her apartment. My response is how is this his issue? That is only the tip of the iceberg, basically this man as pushed me to finalize my divorce (I have been seperated since last April, but have no issues with my ex, we get along great and he knows my boyfriend, no lies). He has isolated me from friends and family. He tries to control everything. He ended up investing a lot in my business, and now is the majority shareholder. If I upset him he uses things on me, such as withholding money. So we are tied together. Which makes it difficult. He has not been honest with his wife either, she doesn't know he owns part of the business or that we have continued our relationship. She has no clue how many times he has come out here to visit me. He has a lot of control over her too. I just don't know what to do...I have a little financial freedom coming here soon with my tax refund and backpay on the social security for my son (my ex husband is disabled). I just don't know if I can be strong enough...he has this way of making me do what he wants. HELP! I don't know what to say, really. Maybe you should see a therapist about the isolation and control issues. Are you saying that you want to end it?
cbl Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I don't know exactly where to start.....but I guess the beginning works! About six months ago I met a man online. He is a 43 year old commercial airline pilot, told me he was divorced (twice) and had custody of his 13 year old son. He flew out to meet me and a relationship developed. He then invested in my business about a month after meeting. Not long after that I received an email from an angry wife calling me a homewrecking bitch. I was in shock. I soon found out he was married to a 23 year old! And not only did he have a 13 year old son but he also had twin 1 year old sons. He off course had every excuse in the book and he claimed they were seperated when we met. She somewhat confirmed that, but then the drama began. For the last several months he has basically bounced between us. Allthough he is seperated and just had mediation, he hasn't really let her go. He spends hours each day dealing with what I refer to as "her drama". For example, he was here visiting last week ago and while we were laying in bed in the morning he had to make several phone calls and his phone kept ringing because she was having issues with getting cable installed at her apartment. My response is how is this his issue? That is only the tip of the iceberg, basically this man as pushed me to finalize my divorce (I have been seperated since last April, but have no issues with my ex, we get along great and he knows my boyfriend, no lies). He has isolated me from friends and family. He tries to control everything. He ended up investing a lot in my business, and now is the majority shareholder. If I upset him he uses things on me, such as withholding money. So we are tied together. Which makes it difficult. He has not been honest with his wife either, she doesn't know he owns part of the business or that we have continued our relationship. She has no clue how many times he has come out here to visit me. He has a lot of control over her too. I just don't know what to do...I have a little financial freedom coming here soon with my tax refund and backpay on the social security for my son (my ex husband is disabled). I just don't know if I can be strong enough...he has this way of making me do what he wants. HELP! i suggest that you gradually move him out of your business (and hopefully he did not ask you to be part of your business decision!) and take the financial control of your business back. the rule of thumb of starting a business is never work with someone who you can not trust right? can you trust this person? do you think you two can be a long-term business partner, for as long as your business lasts? i have a similar situation as yours. xMM is a pilot. he wanted to be part of my business but i refused. it's easier for some people to gain control over their spouse with their better financial status.
Guest Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 i suggest that you gradually move him out of your business (and hopefully he did not ask you to be part of your business decision!) and take the financial control of your business back. the rule of thumb of starting a business is never work with someone who you can not trust right? can you trust this person? do you think you two can be a long-term business partner, for as long as your business lasts? i have a similar situation as yours. xMM is a pilot. he wanted to be part of my business but i refused. it's easier for some people to gain control over their spouse with their better financial status. I know that he used his better financial position to gain control in the relationship. I am not really young (34), have owned my business for 5 years, and up until this year never needed help. This year has been difficult, do to multiple reasons. I feel that he saw that and he "rescued" me and now never lets me forget it! Interesting your exMM is a pilot....lol hopefully they aren't one in the same! Mine lives in the midwest, while I live in the Pacific NW.
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 There seems to be alot of control issues, I agree with the others. Not too sure how old you are, but try taking CONTROL of your own life, your own choices. Don't let the MM or ANY man tell you what to do. Uhmm, what is it that you see in him? He's a liar, he's proven this to you and to his wife. You can do better!! Best revenge? Live well, close the door on this chapter of your life and don't look back. This MM isn't worth wasting your love and energy on. Besides, IF by chance you two WERE to end up together, you'd be dealing with TWO ex's and all his children. You really want that? And what if you want kids...You think he will have kids with you? WOuld you trust him NOT to cheat on you? Yuk. You can do better!!
BenThereDunThat Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 What WWIU said. What's freaky is that while I can see now what she is saying, when I was you, I was like, um, yeah, but you just don't KNOW.... Mind you, that while my brain wanted WWIU to post, was HOPING WWIU would post...I still clung to that idiotic whatEVER it was I was clinging to. Strangely, I depended on WWIU to remind me of what was the real deal - because I knew she would, and in a way that I could understand. Not only understand but not get all bent out of shape over. I don't even know if that makes sense right now...
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 LOL I'm re-reading it afew times...Not sure, but I think I got it??
BenThereDunThat Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 SIGH.... I'm just sayin' that you are the voice of reason, but not the PREACHY voice of reason. You know? (I think....)
cbl Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I know that he used his better financial position to gain control in the relationship. I am not really young (34), have owned my business for 5 years, and up until this year never needed help. This year has been difficult, do to multiple reasons. I feel that he saw that and he "rescued" me and now never lets me forget it! Interesting your exMM is a pilot....lol hopefully they aren't one in the same! Mine lives in the midwest, while I live in the Pacific NW. i hope they aren't the same guy!!! no they are not the same. i am not in the US. his kids are. his W is yet in another country. i am your age. i only started my own business 6 months ago, before i met with my xMM. i am single and no kids so i guess things would have been less complicated for me if i were in your situation. i am actually curious about his intention to invest in your business in the first place. what kind of guy would invest into a business which belongs to someone who he just met for a month? you are a business women so you know better. maybe now it's time to talk to the bank and have your backup plan lined up?... just be prepared for the worst to come. like you said your business never needed help in the last few years then i am sure you can find a way to have your business better financed. i know the cost will be higher for you and it means more financial burdens to you but... just an option you can look into. but then men's brains are wired differently than women's. what if he only sees his share in your business a better investment as it provides higher return? then it would be less likely for him to withdraw the money out of your business if yours makes good money. ie his investment is less about your relationship but more about his making money.
sultrybabe Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I guess I need to give a little more background. As mentioned in my original post I seperated from my husband of 14 years last April. My ex has some medical issues that were a drain on me, physically, mentally, and financially. Then I met my boyfriend during the summer. I was having some financial difficulties combined with the need to go to Denver to handle a family matter, he came to the rescue. And part of me maybe just wanted to be taken care of, because I had never had that before. But reality is that pretty much every penny he has loaned or invested he has tracked and holds it over my head. It makes me feel like we aren't even in a relationship half the time. Yet he has no problem taking funds from me. He expects me to let him handle ALL the finances. Yes I have owned my own business for years and yes I did wonder why he would do so much financially for me so quickly, but I am so confused about our relationship half the time I can't even think clearly. I am going to post a piece of an instant message between the two of us, it shows how he messes with my head. Anyways I don't get angry at anyones response. I can respect all opinions, even if I disagree. Right now I don't disagree with anyone, I am just mentally exhausted and need a break from his drama. Thanks for all the help!
sultrybabe Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Well i was going to post part of our convo here but I guess I don't have it saved on this computer. Basically he goes back and forth on what he wants. Things are so complicated lately and he seems confused about what he wants so I say its over or I need a break and then he chases me and I always give in and fall for him. Its becoming a vicious cycle and I am tired. So here is the question I ask - How do I end the personal relationship if I still have to maintain a business relationship with him? He is not about to let me force him out of the business relationship. I tried a few weeks ago around the beginning of the new year and failed. How do I keep him from intruding into my personal life, for example my personal financies, who I am dating, where I am going, and what I am doing? He is generally very controlling and gets upset if I refuse to answer questions. Any ideas would be appreciated!
bonehead Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Did you form a partnership with him in your business? Is his investment on paper?
cbl Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 some people prefer not to disclose too much personal details in the forum as their MM or MM's W might be reading (you never know who's out there).... i'll be back later with more thoughts. now still at work
bonehead Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 some people prefer not to disclose too much personal details in the forum as their MM or MM's W might be reading (you never know who's out there).... i'll be back later with more thoughts. now still at work True, but its also a very important aspect of breaking away from this person.
cbl Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 True, but its also a very important aspect of breaking away from this person. totally agree. just worried that her MM might be reading and anything we have discussed here, options, possibilities, might be coming to his knowledge and be pre-empted. well i know the possibility is low.... ok i think i worried too much
bonehead Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 totally agree. just worried that her MM might be reading and anything we have discussed here, options, possibilities, might be coming to his knowledge and be pre-empted. well i know the possibility is low.... ok i think i worried too much While yes it is possible, its also doubtful, and this is truly the most important aspect of a break involving a business
cbl Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Did you form a partnership with him in your business? Is his investment on paper? very good point... my guess is that mostly likely on paper. i re-read the posts a few times. seems like he has influence on the cash flow of the business and she has problems buying him out. then that would be tough.... we wait for her to answer that
sultrybabe Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 very good point... my guess is that mostly likely on paper. i re-read the posts a few times. seems like he has influence on the cash flow of the business and she has problems buying him out. then that would be tough.... we wait for her to answer that Yes it is on paper. Basically he invested the original money before I found out he was married. That was with a promissory note. Then after finding out he was married and he led on that he was divorcing her and he pursued me for several months he invested additional funds. At that point is when everything was changed with the Secretary of State, etc. Everything was done legal with First Rights of Refusal and Non Compete Agreements. Basically it is pretty iron clad. And interesting enough as soon as everything was in writing his tune changed and that is when he started jumping between the two of us and the relationship got really complicated, or that is when I discovered that is what he was doing. Regarding disclosing information, I doubt seriously he would ever come to a board like this and read the posts. To him this is a waste of time and energy. He thinks that "playing" online is not productive. Interesting huh, since we met in a chatroom! Here is my question - he is so controlling that he has managed to keep both her and I from communicating with each other. He either gets her to block me or me to block her. I am no longer doing that. But she doesn't know about his ownership in the business, etc. Should I tell her everything? Or should I not do that just yet?
puddleofmud Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Firstly, what does the business owe him as an investor? Those would be marital assets...
bonehead Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Speak to a lawyer asap. You could end up losing your butt in HIS divorce.
sultrybabe Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 What do you mean how does the business owe him as an investor...here is how it happened. Originally months ago he loaned the business a sum of money, a promissory note was signed. Then over a period of the last several months he has "invested" additional money, no note has been signed on those funds, however a few months ago we restucted and made him majority shareholder. Basing that on several factors, but mostly his investments I know it was niave and stupid of me to give up that kind of control, but I really did believe everything he told me. Or I at least wanted to. Then everytime I have tried to walk away I get pulled back in either by necessity as he holds control over a lot of aspects of my life, or because he plays on my feelings. A lot of time I get pulled back in because when I start to question anything he pulls the feelings thing and some "crisis" happens that trumps my current issue with him. Then by the time there is time to deal with it he will tell me it's over. I just always feel totallyconfused by him and his drama.
cbl Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Him being the major shareholder of the company gives him so much right to do anything to the business "legally". I don't really know what your options are in terms of asking him to leave your business alone. Offering more money to buy your shares back? I don't think so. Doesn't seem like his intention to get into your business in the first place. I don't know about talking to the wife part. She's entitled to be part of your business (rhgt?) If she wants to screwe up your business, she could. I agree with BH. And do it quick....
puddleofmud Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 What do you mean how does the business owe him as an investor... Simply, what is the current monetary value of his share of the business? he owns shares--what does that equal? What is the current monetary value of the business devided by his shares?
cbl Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 What do you mean how does the business owe him as an investor...here is how it happened. Originally months ago he loaned the business a sum of money, a promissory note was signed. Then over a period of the last several months he has "invested" additional money, no note has been signed on those funds, however a few months ago we restucted and made him majority shareholder. Basing that on several factors, but mostly his investments I know it was niave and stupid of me to give up that kind of control, but I really did believe everything he told me. Or I at least wanted to. Then everytime I have tried to walk away I get pulled back in either by necessity as he holds control over a lot of aspects of my life, or because he plays on my feelings. A lot of time I get pulled back in because when I start to question anything he pulls the feelings thing and some "crisis" happens that trumps my current issue with him. Then by the time there is time to deal with it he will tell me it's over. I just always feel totallyconfused by him and his drama. i know exactly how you felt. running a business isn't easy and you just tend to grab anything you can when you run out of options. having said that, what does he have to lose if he withdraws his money from your/his business, while not losing the investment and "you" at the same time? he thinks that he will lose both at the same time? and is that what you intend to do? and what's the possibility to buy only part of his shares back for the time being, and back to yourself as the major shareholder? was he against the idea also? does this help you in anyways?
bonehead Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Yes it is on paper. Basically he invested the original money before I found out he was married. That was with a promissory note. Then after finding out he was married and he led on that he was divorcing her and he pursued me for several months he invested additional funds. At that point is when everything was changed with the Secretary of State, etc. Everything was done legal with First Rights of Refusal and Non Compete Agreements. Basically it is pretty iron clad. And interesting enough as soon as everything was in writing his tune changed and that is when he started jumping between the two of us and the relationship got really complicated, or that is when I discovered that is what he was doing. I dont know if it will help or not, but do you have any way to prove that he lead you to believe he wasnt married at the time of the inital investment? And that he was leading you to believe that he was getting divorced when he invested the rest? I have a really bad feeling about how this is going to play out.
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