DyingHeart Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Hello everyone, I'm new here. I've been looking for a site like this, lol. Right before this past Christmas, he said that we needed time apart, so I could get my head together and figure myself out. I knew this was coming, but I ignored it. I've been on Paxil and Ativan for the 5 years. When we first met, I was'nt on them and I was working steadily. I built up a wall around me because I was hurt once before and I didn't want it again. He broke down that wall and taught me how to feel and love again. It was amazing. Shortly after, I started getting panic attacks so bad to the point I had to be put on disability. The meds I was on slowly changed me into a different person. I was lazy, and I did't want to have sex and I didn't want to work. I hid behind the pills and behind him. I was so afraid of the panic attacks, I lost who I was. We did have great times together. All the time. His love made me stronger and I felt invincible. Yet, I still was not me from the meds. This went on for almost 7 years. I was 20 when I met him. We did everything together. Even with my problems, we were inseperatable. He did make me feel like a goddess. I guess he couldnt handle me anymore and he wanted to seperate just for a bit. But I didn't understand, and I kept asking him why and for almost a month now, I keep trying to talk to him, and that was the worst thing for me to do. I pushed him so far away from me, I don't know if I'll ever get him back. It's tearing me apart. He's all I've known. I've cried everyday since then. I got to the point of such severe depression that I can't get out of bed and I'm barely eating. Just tonight, he told me he is happy where he is. I don't know what to do. I've never felt such loss before. Everyone is telling me to go find someone else, or exercise or talk to friends. I can't do that. I don't want anyone else. I tried talking to friends, but they have never experienced anything on this level. And I won't see a therapist, because, well, I've had bad experiences with them. I mean, it literally feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I can't describe it. I know I have to get myself back together and make a life for myself and let myself live, but I'm afraid it's too late to get him back. And I want him back more than anything else in this world. Has anyone else had any similar experiences? any suggestions? How does one make it through this? He said that maybe in the future we could rekindle things, but I'm not putting too much hope into that. There's so much more I want to say, but this would go on post would go on forever. So please, any advise?
Guest Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 What you need to do is go find help, I don't care if you had bad experiences, this has been a major problem for you for 7 YEARS! You are just using it as an excuess. Get yourself someone to talk to who knows how to deal with this sort of stuff and get yourself back on track. Once you are back on track and happy and loving like you were 7 years ago then try to work things out with you ex, tell him you are going to seek help and get yourself better and tell him that you are doing this for you and no one else but that in time you want nothing more than to try to work things out with him, but only once you are well again. By him saying that maybe in the future you two could have what you had before, tells me that he does love you but he cannot be with someone who is in the state of mind that you are in right now. Only you have the power to make this work! If you don't like the first person you see then find another and another until you find someone you feel comfortable talking to. I am sure you have heard this before, if you cant love yourself then you cant love anyone, your ex I am guessing knows this and is hoping you will get better. Best of luck I have faith that if you do the right things you wll be happy in the near future!!
CaliGuy Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 If you want him back, stop focusing on him and put 100% energy and focus into you. That is the key. You need to get your head screwed back on straight and your life back together. Get off the meds. That's #1. Set small goals and work towards big ones. Write them down and work on them every single day. See, making HIM the focus on your energy takes away the energy that is needed towards fixing YOU. Until YOU are fixed, nothing you do or say would change his mind. The #1 thing you need to do is stop contacting him. You will only push him away further. Join a gym and go every day, at least 1 hour and do cardio work. That will build up your appetite, increase your energy and it also staves off depression. Start hanging out with friends. A lot. Don't waste all your time talking about him. Don't focus on another relationship. 100% of your energy needs to go into you, rebuilding your confidence and self esteem. Work on a careeer. Invest time in hobbies. Occupy all of your time on you if you can. See a Counselor, they can help a lot. See the bottom line is you know where the problem lies with you and only YOU can fix yourself. The only thing you control is YOU. Nothing else is inside your boundaries. Fix you and who knows, when you are back to 100% you may not even want this guy anymore and the next guy who comes along will benefit from the new, improved you. Chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you is a fruitless waste of time and energy. It's like driving your car while staring at the rear view mirror. Something bad is bound to happen. Focus on now. Here and today. Focus on you, one little step at a time. You can not control him, you can't force him to come back to you and you can not make someone love you. All you can do is take care of yourself. Time and fate will take care of the rest. If it's mean to be, it will happen. If not, you'll still be better off with whomever you do end up with. I know. I've been there. Cheers.
LostHeart Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 The post above is right. How can he want to be with you if you are not anyone, you know? Set small goals and go for them. Maybe you can try a SMALL job? Maybe a little convient store or gas station? Get out and do things. Show him that you're motivated. Decide to lose 30lbs and do it--work your toosh off to do and show him. Maybe take a few classes at a local college. Don't fear your panic attacks. You won't die from them. Embarrassment if it's in public? Yes...but you know what? Nobody would laugh at you...they'd be concerned if you are alright...and so what? Do those people mean ANYTHING to you? No. You would have a panic attack in public if you fear it to the extent that I am understanding. Don't worry about them. You get a panic attack from PANICING usually over nothing. Exercise is proven to help those sorts of things, by the way. Do something for once and show him you're human too. You're letting life slip away from you. You only live so long, dear! Get INTERESTED in SOMETHING! Get some friends up and go jogging together--kills two birds with one stone. Don't dwell on relationship issues with friends! Talk to them about things you want to do--what they want to do--now, later, etc--talk about memories with them or things you wished you could have shared with them. It'll be fine. Work hard for this. Change. Show him you're alive in there and you haven't given up.
sunangel Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Really think about this situation.............. Do you really want a guy that is obviously confused about you? I don't mean to sound harsh, but that is reality. I understand if you don't want to date anyone else right now , and in my opinion jumping from one guy to another without allowing some time to HEAL is not the answer either. But I agree that you need to focus on the most important person..... YOU! I wish you the best
polywog Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I have read the above posts, and just have something else to add to their comments. I am concerned that you are taking meds without seeing a therapist. To me it sounds like the meds you were taking aren't helping, maybe aren't the right ones for your, or possibly have stopped having the right effect. I have been there with the anxiety attacks, depression, etc and meds. Only a doctor or therapist well-versed in these meds can really help you find what works; it's like finding the right dose of insulin or thyroid medicine...same thing almost, and you wouldn't take those without a doctor's supervision. Cal-guy said get off the meds, and I reckon he meant well, but as someone who has been there, I can't recommend that. I think that because you are just so devasted right now that maybe it is just too hard to take all the great advice about getting out, etc., right? Please, please get over your reluctance to help yourself with a therapist, and get help finding the right one... I can't recommend that enough, there are all types out there and there is one that is right for you and will help you get yourself on your feet again, no matter what you are going through. Don't worry about what it costs because there are all sorts of social services and sliding scale that will make it possible for you. I'll be thinking about you....
bluechocolate Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Has anyone else had any similar experiences? Everyone has had similar experiences. The particulars may be unique, but relationship break-ups are pretty universal. I am concerned that you are taking meds without seeing a therapist. Yes, I was concerned about that also. You've been taking these medications for 5 years & even you say they have completely changed you. Who is monitoring your intake & progress? And how? I don't think getting him back is going to solve your problems. In fact, he may be the least of them.
chryssy83 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 First off, let me tell you that there are so many people on this board who care about you and the pain you are experiencing...so please listen to the excellent advice they offer. Second, I think it's important here that you realize that right now, you wouldn't want to be with you either! That's why you are depressed, don't want to go out, don't want to eat or exercise. If you truly saw all the great things about yourself and lived them out, you would feel worthy of a healthy, active life with or without this guy. You say he made you feel like a goddess, but you need to get to a point where it doesn't take some third party to make you feel invincible--you just do. Take this as an opportunity to improve upon yourself. You can be healthy, you can be happy, you can find success in your life and in a relationship. I'm sorry you haven't had much luck with therapists lately, but I don't think you should give up on therapy all together. Find someone you really click with to help you through this process. It will take some work, but you can recover from this. Please keep us updated on your progress!! EDIT: Just to be clear, I'm working on this process right now, too. And as I work out, focus on school, and engage in more social activities I've found that I spend a lot less time watching myself sob in the mirror and a lot more time smiling.
Cossette4 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I'm sorry It's really hard when someone has been a part of our young lives for so long and they are all we've ever known and now we find out they are no longer going to be part of our future. I was with my ex for 5 and a half years (since I was 16) and our breakup has been really hard for me. It's been 6 months and I still cry all the time and still feel like the world is upside down when I wake up, so I can only imagine what someone who dated for 7 years and was engaged feels like There isn't going to be any quick fix, and you will be upset for awhile, but that's okay because it's the times like these that make us stronger and make us grow and make us realize things about ourselves that we probably didn't know was there when we were in our relationships. It's really easy to say "Don't think about him" but much harder to put into practice in our daily living. But when you think about him and miss him and dwell on everything that went wrong, be aware that you are causing yourself to feel additional pain and prolonging the healing process. You know those moments in the day where you AREN'T thinking about him? (Those small insignificant times where you are being harrassed by a telemarketer or brushing your teeth). Notice you aren't feeling that sick "my heart has been ripped out" feeling because your mind isn't thinking about it at the time. So if you can train yourself to have more of those "I'm not going to think about this right now" moments, you'll experience less sick feelings. There is one proven fact that always helps me through the day--you WILL get through this. Life WILL go on, and it's possible that it could be even better than what we had.
polywog Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Second, I think it's important here that you realize that right now, you wouldn't want to be with you either! That's why you are depressed, don't want to go out, don't want to eat or exercise. If you truly saw all the great things about yourself and lived them out, you would feel worthy of a healthy, active life with or without this guy. The problem is, that when you are in the biochemical pit of depression, you are experiencing physical illness that keeps you from being able to do these positive things. The right therapist, who may or may not prescribe or change meds (they'll use their expertise, they've seen it all...trust me, dyingheart) will aid you in coming back to yourself enough to peek out of that ugly pit you are in and start to climb out. They won't need to pull you out, they will make you realize that You can pull yourself out, and You Will... I promise, because so many of us have been there. It's hard for you to believe, because you are so low, maybe the lowest you have ever been. But I promise you that you will be stronger in the broken places, hard as that is for you to believe now. Why? Because you will be so amazed that you got through it, and all shiney-new and renewed, and a wiser person, as a result. I have faith in you, dyingheart . When you take that step to get help (a leap of faith for you, I know) you'll see. Will be thinking of you... polywog
saturnalia Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 You need to see someone asap. The above poster who advised you to go off the meds is WRONG. Professional supervision is necessary if you were to go that route. I am very concerned that you seek help to assist you with your condition.
polywog Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 You need to see someone asap. The above poster who advised you to go off the meds is WRONG. Professional supervision is necessary if you were to go that route. I am very concerned that you seek help to assist you with your condition. YES! dyingheart, we just want to see you take care....
Capatinacen Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Did he mention to you why he wanted to separate? I know you mentioned the pill thing but is that the only reason?
dropdeadlegs Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Panic/anxiety disorders are real. The thing that concerns me the most is that you have been able to get medications for this for so long without continued mental health therapy. I know from experience that the meds work, at least they took the hard edges off for me, but I was only given meds with the combined usage of a licensed therapist to help me get past the anxiety and depression I was experiencing. I was never led to believe that I would be on meds for 5 years, but that they were to be considered a temporary crutch to hold me up until I could do that on my own. I was taking Effexor XR, Xanax, and Sonata for nearly a year. I wholeheartedly believe that you MUST find a therapist that can help you in order to get off of your meds, and you really shouldn't have been allowed to hide behind them for so long. I imagine that you cannot imagine living without them by now. Admittedly my anxiety was more situational and thus it was easier to recover from it and become able to handle life's little unexpectancies. As for your fiance, he may have been feeling that you may never recover and wants a relationship with someone more emotionally stable. I certainly feel that anxiety and depression affects everyone close to you, and it can be draining on those who love you to actually love you. I agree that in order to succeed in this relationship or any other that you must work on yourself first. Personal happiness simply cannot hinge on another person, it has to come from within. A partner can only enhance your joy of life, not create it for you. Break ups are hard to bear, I definitely feel your pain. Love yourself as much as you love him and you can get past this and move on. Get professional help to do this as it is often difficult to do alone. My only regret is that I didn't do it much sooner than I did. I certainly had enough encouragement but was determined to be strong enough to handle my problems on my own. Until I completely broke down that is. It was hard at first to enjoy therapy. It can be painful at times to recognize traits about yourself that are so unhealthy and self detrimental and I had to fall down a bit in order to climb out and truly face that I had some issues. Good luck to you in finding yourself again. It is a journey well taken.
CaliGuy Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Cal-guy said get off the meds, and I reckon he meant well, but as someone who has been there, I can't recommend that. I do think she should see a Doctor, but from her own account the meds have not helped her and have ended up causing more problems than they have fixed. In my book the cons are outweighing the pros. What would be the point of staying on medications that do more harm than good?
CaliGuy Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 You need to see someone asap. The above poster who advised you to go off the meds is WRONG. Professional supervision is necessary if you were to go that route. I am very concerned that you seek help to assist you with your condition. Again, I do think she needs off the meds but I agree, she needs to see a Doctor. By her own account they have caused more harm than good. What is the point of staying on them? Yes, see a Doctor. Tell him everything that has happened since she's been on the meds and try and find an alternative solution that doesn't carry so many negatives. Sorry, maybe I think too logically. If a drug causes more harm than good, doesn't it make sense to stop using it? (Most Doctors will have her stay off the meds but I don't trust some of them who would have someone stay on a medication unnecessarily to keep the "patient dollars" rolling in.)
polywog Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 The point would be that maybe they were not the Right Meds, maybe she Doesn't need meds at all, or maybe she does; only that without a doctor/therapist versed in this she would not even begin to know. With all due respect Cali, I understand your reaction to the meds thing but having been there and had pals who've been, too it's way more complicated and nuanced than it seems. If you had something wrong with your metabolism, for example, you'd maybe get medication for it, and even then it would take a while to find the right thing and the right dose. You'd see a specialist (hopefully!). Maybe in the long run you wouldn't need any medication at all, but it's not as simple as "they aren't working". It's gotta be looked at by a specialist. Ya see?
Author DyingHeart Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Oh the meds worked, but I depended on the meds instead of myself. I do have someone to talk to, not a therapist, but someone who has been through all of this more than once and gives advice better than any therepist I've ever seen. The initial reason I was put on meds was because of The panic attacks. I know that there are alternative ways to dealing with the attacks instead of prescription meds. I am getting better slowly and everytime I think of him, I quick think of something else. I've so far managed to eat again and do everyday sorts of things. It does hurt and I do have my crying jags. The crying feels good though. It's such a big release. I have a lot to work on. And I am determined to do everything in my power to make myself be who I used to be. I have to do this for only me. If he see's that I've changed for the better and wants me back, then hey, that's great, if not, then I'm still the better person. Thanks to all who have replied. I didn't expect to get so many Chrissi
Author DyingHeart Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 (Most Doctors will have her stay off the meds but I don't trust some of them who would have someone stay on a medication unnecessarily to keep the "patient dollars" rolling in.) Now that's the truth! I've told my psychiatrist that I didn't want to be on them before and she said I needed them... And I dont....so, yeah, they want their money
CaliGuy Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 The point would be that maybe they were not the Right Meds, maybe she Doesn't need meds at all, or maybe she does; only that without a doctor/therapist versed in this she would not even begin to know. With all due respect Cali, I understand your reaction to the meds thing but having been there and had pals who've been, too it's way more complicated and nuanced than it seems. If you had something wrong with your metabolism, for example, you'd maybe get medication for it, and even then it would take a while to find the right thing and the right dose. You'd see a specialist (hopefully!). Maybe in the long run you wouldn't need any medication at all, but it's not as simple as "they aren't working". It's gotta be looked at by a specialist. Ya see? I do understand. I'll retract my statement She does need to go to the Doctor, I do stand pat on that opinion.
CaliGuy Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Oh the meds worked, but I depended on the meds instead of myself. I do have someone to talk to, not a therapist, but someone who has been through all of this more than once and gives advice better than any therepist I've ever seen. The initial reason I was put on meds was because of The panic attacks. I know that there are alternative ways to dealing with the attacks instead of prescription meds. I am getting better slowly and everytime I think of him, I quick think of something else. I've so far managed to eat again and do everyday sorts of things. It does hurt and I do have my crying jags. The crying feels good though. It's such a big release. I have a lot to work on. And I am determined to do everything in my power to make myself be who I used to be. I have to do this for only me. If he see's that I've changed for the better and wants me back, then hey, that's great, if not, then I'm still the better person. Thanks to all who have replied. I didn't expect to get so many Chrissi Chrissi, I read your post below this one. Find another Doctor who will LISTEN to you. There are other methods of treating you than medication. CBT is just one of them off the top of my head. My point earlier was the medication over the long haul has caused more harm for you than good and apparently your Doctor is not listening to you. Seek a second or even third opinion. Medical science, especially in the area of psychology is not absolute or always correct. There is more than one way to skin a cat here and you need to find the way that benefits you the most. IMHO, the way you've been going is not as beneficial as it is negative.
CaliGuy Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Now that's the truth! I've told my psychiatrist that I didn't want to be on them before and she said I needed them... And I dont....so, yeah, they want their money I saw two Counselors early last year. One insisted I had a major problem and needed to see me once a week for the next YEAR. She also insisted I start taking medication, medication that could possibly cause more long term damage than the short term damage itself. The other listened to me, understood what I was going through and said "Hey listen, I don't think you're bad off. You just need some time to adjust and get over it. Come see me when you feel you need to talk. Otherwise I think you'll be a-ok." Which Doctor do you think had my best interest in mind? See my point? You need to go see one or two more Doctors and find the one that LISTENS to you and has your best interest in mind and not their wallet.
Capatinacen Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Seems like your leaving things out. After 7 years he wants to separate? Doesn't make any sense. There has to be more that was going on besides panic attacks. Did you do something to push him away or make it so he couldn't take it anymore? Has he come right out and said that this is all about you and if you didn't do this and that it was over?
Author DyingHeart Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 Hmm, It wasn't the panic attacks. Those he could deal with. It was the fact that after I was put on medication, I was a totally different person. Before we met, I was very driven and goal oriented. I worked for everything that I had and I always had money and I was me. That's the kind of person I am. I always work. But soon after the panic attacks started, and I was put on the meds, I was put on disability. So I relied on the meds and disability to help me, instead of me helping me. I started developing phobias and I always expected him to be there for me. Bad on my part, I held on to him as if he was my savior. He didn't really mind that, but he wanted me to work. For most of the relationship we were doing fine, then a lot of bad things started to happen. Not with us, just a lot of stuff to do with my family and distant family. I kept going to him for advice. It was depressing him and I felt bad for doing that to him. Like I said before, he's all I've really known. I don't socialize that much so, not many friends. I think he feels I put a lot of pressure on him and I did. And towards the end, he did tell me things need to change or else we can't go on like this. I understood that, and I started looking for work, and what broke the camels back was that my niece has a child and she was going crazy or something and had to go to the mental hospital. I told this to him, not thinking it would do anything, but that was it. That was enough to put him over the edge. Then that's when he said we needed time apart, and I understood, but I didn't at the same time. And I did what your're not supposed to do. Keep contacting him. I did that. And that is what completely pushed him away. And he said, that if I would've just left him alone for a week, everything would've been ok. That's when I lost it and not being experienced in relationships, I kept after him. So the no contact rule is a damn good one. I learned that the hard way. So, as much as I want to talk to him and see him, It's best I keep away and fix myself and not worry about him. That's awefully hard, but it's what I have to do.
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