DatingQuestions Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Is this part of the healing process? I broke up with him, because there are some major issues that he needs to work on for himself before he can develope any healthy relationship with anyone. He is not making it easier for me by contacting me once in a while and saying how much he loves and misses me. It's been a week since we stopped talking, but my emotions go from indifferent to extreme sadness every single day. This goes on and now I just really miss him a lot! Should I fight myself until all of these feelings go away? Or should I consider giving him another chance? The truth is, he asked me to have faith in him, and that having me in his life would make him more likely to conquer his problems. Should I step in with the fear that he may never change?
D-Lish Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I guess it depends on what his issues are. Anything like violence, anger, cheating... well, I'd tell you to back away. However, if it's something like depression, sadness, financial, etc... then being by his side really might be the push he needs to get through his problems. I know how much it killed me when my ex left me during a really hard time- I was fighting anxiety, and had started the process of getting some professional and medical help... but he walked away from me. The abandonment that occurred right at the time I was seeking help had a very negative affect on me. You know him best- think he's capable of change? If so, and his issues aren't of the violent nature- and being around him doesn't affect you negatively enough that being with him has become unhealthy for you... If you truly love him and he needs your help- I'd say that as long as you're not compromising your own safety and well being... that you could provide positive support to his problems. Good luck, D
hugznkisses21 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 hey hun, I would say u obviosuly have great feeling for him and him for you. As long as u look out or yourself and u are not getting hurt - love is all about taking risks - go with your heart....maybe take a risk and see what happens but always look out for youself do not put youself into a sittuation where u will be abused or anything like that
Author DatingQuestions Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Thanks for the quick response. Yeah he has anxiety, depression, financial problems, no career, no future plans, a smoker... I am the complete opposite from him. I just feel like that's a whole lot of weight to carry on if I ended up staying with him. Any more thoughts?
Rooster_DAR Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Thanks for the quick response. Yeah he has anxiety, depression, financial problems, no career, no future plans, a smoker... I am the complete opposite from him. I just feel like that's a whole lot of weight to carry on if I ended up staying with him. Any more thoughts? Have you honestly sat down and talked to him about everything you stated above? Does he have a stable job at least?
D-Lish Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who isn't happy with themselves. I know I was a difficult gf to deal with because of my anxiety. The good news is that I did get some help and I am a totally different girl than I was before seeking that help. I'm happy, confident, focused, my ambition has returned.... so at least you know it is possible to make positive changes, I sure did. My only regret is that I lost a man I really loved. I wish he had have stuck by me during the rough patch and could see me now. That makes me a little sad.
Author DatingQuestions Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 yes he knows that I want him to quit smoking, go back to school.. etc. He is already on medication for anxiety and depression. He has a part time job and makes only about $200 a week. D-Lish, thanks for sharing that info. I certainly want him to change for the better, but I am afraid that being with him will only make him not able to learn to stand on his own two feet. He just wrote again and told me that he is dying and doesn't know how to handle his emotions without me... He is the very sensitive type and he is very emotional. I don't know if staying will help him or destroy both of us!
D-Lish Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Yeah, I see your dilemma. I think the bottom line is that you have to look after yourself first here... that's really important. It does sound like you have a lot of figuring out to do. When you love someone, it's so difficult to watch them suffer- and it can pull you down with them if you're not careful. The process of healing from depression is a long road. I know that from experience. But I can tell you that I was able to come out of it- and I'm back to where I was, feeling like my old self again. So it is possible, but one needs to be motivated. What are your thoughts on whether or not he's truly motivated?
chryssy83 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I tend to think that you should hold off longer than a week before making your decision. I think you would miss anyone after this period of time...and he can't have made many positive steps in his life in such a short time. I think answer D-lish's question HONESTLY for yourself and make sure you take all the time you need to think on this! Good luck!
Darkwall Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I JUST BROKE UP WITH MY BF FOR SIMILAR BUT DIFFERENT REASONS. WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT AND I FELT HE WAS VERY DISCONNECTED FROM ME. I TOO FEEL LIKE CALLING HIM BUT... I WON'T. IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU DON'T AND MAINTAIN NO CONTACT. IT'S NORMAL TO MISS HIM RIGHT NOW. THERE HAS BEEN A CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE. BUT, YOU BROKE UP FOR A REASON. STICK WITH THAT. READ..."Mars and Venus - starting over" AND... "Men are from mars women are from Venus". Some excellent tips on starting over and the healing process for both the dumper and dumpee. In these books you will have a ton of questions answered. These books have helped me like crazy. Both the dumper and dumpee are liable of ending up in a "rebound" relationship if... they don't follow the healing process correctly. STEP 1... GET SUPPORT (talk about it, especially with others who share your experience. STEP 2... GRIEVE THE LOSS (look back and appreciate the good and forgive the mistakes, re-experience. STEP 3... BECOME WHOLE AGAIN (before getting involved again feel like you don't need to.
Author DatingQuestions Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Gosh the guy is now calling ad emailing.... he sents me old stuff that I wrote to him and says if any of those things I ever said to him (how much I love him, etc) were real, he deserves one last phone call. He said that I can't show him light and put him in the dark for the rest of his life like that... He is really not making this easy! Should I respond or just let him keep on calling? In my last email to him, I told him that I don't want any more contacts with him, and that I've attempted to break up with him so many times, both in person and on the phone, another phone call is just not necessary, in my opinion. Now he is demanding one last phone call. What is the best thing to do?
Darkwall Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 He is still calling you because he doesn't feel a sense of CLOSURE. He needs to have that. But, if you have been very clear and honest with him then that's all you can do. Sometimes they hear you but just don't get, that's not your problem. Do not talk to him any more. He now needs to go through the healing process. As do you. READ "Mars and Venus - starting over" by John Gray
chryssy83 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 If you do not want to talk to him, do not call. I have been reading this book about domestic violence and stalking (don't ask). Anyway, in it, the author says that if someone contacts you ten times after they know contact is not wanted, and then you contact them in response, it doesn't stop the contact. It just teaches him that contacting you ten times is the price of one return phone call. If you don't want to talk to him, don't call him back--otherwise, next time he'll just call 15 times to wear you down, and so on. He needs to realize that when you say no contact, you mean no contact. Normal people don't keep calling after you tell them not to. Now, here's where you start rationalizing his behavior--but he's so upset, he loves me so much, he doesn't have much of a support system, I might not have been clear...bottom line is that if you told him not to contact you, and he does it a zillion times even without a response from you, he's treating you with disrespect and doesn't deserve another call. If you want him to stop contacting you, ignore him. If you want to get back with him later on, you can contact him on your own terms if he straightens up his life.
Author DatingQuestions Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Very helpful responses, thank you! I will try and not call. He is guilt-tripping me now saying that I should have the decency to call, an email is insulting to the both of us after what we have shared... I have never dealt with this at a break up. Like Darkwall said, normally people won't contact you if you told them to not contact you! I wonder what he wants to get out of a final phone call?! It would just be more hurt.
princessa Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Has it ever occurred to you that maybe he also needs closure in this breakup? Perhaps the time apart made him analyze things inside out, and now he has even more questions for you.. If your mind is already made up, it doesn't cost anything to call him. Just make sure to know what you want (and don't want), and stand your ground when talking to him. Let him do the talking / questionning. Maybe he is truly willing to work on his changing, and maybe he'd like more clarification on what it would take to eventually get back with you.. Just speculating here, but I do think that you should call him to ease his mind a little bit. When you don't get closure you're just restless, and I would expect him to keep calling you until he gets his closure.. But then again there are other people who just refuse to hear what you're trying to tell them when you say you need to break up. You know your guy, so you be the judge.
Author DatingQuestions Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 I called him back. We ended on a very loving and friendly note. We both cried, but he understands that he needs to be stronger and become a better person. We agreed that he will contact me when he 1)quit smoking for good. 2)took steps to achieve which ever career goals he set for himself. 3)he becomes a stronger person. He admitted that he is weak now and that he is not happy with himself. We both said that we love each other at the end. I told him that I wait to hear his good news.
Lostandfound Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Mmnn my two penneth. This guy obviously has a few issues, and hence the reason why you ended it. But does he know where he stands. Does he realise that you will begin things again when he is sorted The way you come across sounds exactly like what my ex said to me last November when she wanted to try again but when we both sort out our work issues, as there is no way a relationship will work if either part have problems. I agree that why you ended it, but as long as you BOTH know the score then im sure all is fine, but if there is any chance you dont want him again you have to tell him I really wish you the best of luck
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