bobdee Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Okay here's my story. Not as scary as some of the others on this board (abuse...yikes!)...but still hard nonetheless. Been with my g/f for just over 5 years now. We met in another city and moved to our current location together about 3 years ago. Didn't live together for the first 2, moved in together when we located here. Overall our relationship has been good for the most part. She's a very supportive person in general and no major problems (fights, drugs alcohol, etc). We have a lot of baggage from previous life experience and that tends to get in the way quite often. Really there's a lot of "ups and downs" - just like every other relationship I guess but when we're fighting and not getting along it can get vicious. The biggest problem for me basically is the commitment issue. This is my first time living with a woman and frankly I've been 50/50 on it in my head since we started. I've always chalked it up to "normal for a guy to feel like this" - but it's caused a lot of stress and anxiety for me over the course of the past few years. I've gone back and forth with "needing my freedom" and "sticking it out" over and over again. So she's going to get another degree in a school in another city this Fall. Frankly I have to admit I kind of see it as a way out. She pretty much knows I don't want to go but wants to keep it long distance. I want my freedom, and really feel like "if it's going to end anyway, I want to get on with my life". This is causing a lot of stress for me because I really don't have a major reason to break it off. I mean - we do have some pretty bad fights every once in awhile but that's normal. Our love life hasn't really been good for a long time though. Really I'm just not really into it anymore and the fact that she's leaving is just making me "check out" in my head, which of course causes other issues to materialize as well. The issue of us living together makes it even harder. But really I just can't imagine actually breaking this off. It's been the norm and my life for so long-and it's not like she's done anything to justify it. I feel so guilty about wanting to be on my own and scared about feeling like I made a mistake later. It's literally pulling me apart. I don't want to hurt her at all - but I can't get past this feeling and I know I don't want to move away with her. Any advice would seriously help. We're in the middle of a weekend-long fight right now actually. I could reconcile that and continue until the grad school thing "takes care of itself"...which might ease some of the issues. Then again I'd have to wait until around summer and what's the use staying with a situation I've checked out of anyway. But when I think about bringing it up and watching her get upset it tears me apart. Totally confused Thanks for listening
Cossette4 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Sorry you are feeling stressed... Not entirely sure if my comments/opinions will be of any help, but I'll give it a go... I was with my boyfriend for 5 years and although I really did love him and still felt in love with him, I also felt like we were sometimes not right for each other and I often became frustrated with how far apart we were growing. I just never really did anything about it because he was all I ever knew and I definitely still had love for him. At the time, I had no idea he was feeling the same way, but apparently he was. I went to NYC for the summer and midway through my trip, he called me up on the phone to say he just didn't think we were going to work out. He brought up the fact that I'd be moving to another city soon and he didn't know where his job would be taking him, so I guess he just saw it as an "out" as you say. Now, I'm not entirely sure that he felt the same way as you, because you seem to be showing care and compassion for your g/f and you seem to feel stable enough being alone afterwards. My ex boyfriend, on the contrary, seemed to show no remorse in ending our 5 year relationship with a phone call and then refusing to make any sort of contact with me until he was forced to by his friends. Oh, did I mention he also found a girl at work and moved in with her 2 weeks after we broke up? In any case, whether he was feeling what you are feeling or not, you need to let her know in a respectful and dignified way because you spent 5 years of your life with this person and that's worth something. She's clearly going to be upset but that's where you need to not be a complete cowardly jerk like my ex boyfriend and be there for her. You never know, months down the road you could end up feeling like maybe she was the one after all, or maybe you just need a good friend to confide in. And I know that after the way my ex treated me, I won't be either of those to him should he ever try to return.
Author bobdee Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Thanks for the reply - and I totally agree with you. Well I'm in no way planning to end this "like a jerk" if it comes to that. The method I devised in my head was to basically say "look, we've basically become really good friends instead of partners - and I think we need to recognize that we're at that point and move on with our lives". Something along those lines of course. For both our sake I'd hope we could be mature and move on gracefully. I frankly just can't even remember what things were like before we started dating - and it seems very foreign from both our perspectives to be apart. The thing that sucks the most is that there's no smoking gun really to say "Ok I'm justified". It's really just that it doesn't feel right anymore and I don't see us having a future. So why are we wasting our time
Guest Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 If you really care for her, you will let her go and allow her to find someone who really wants to be with her 100%. Although she will no doubt be hurt, she deserves better than an on-the-fence boyfriend who is sticking around becasue of safety and convenience. I'm sure that you love her, but you are not in love with her. Do yourselves both a favor and end this as amicably as you can.
UnsurePath Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I wish I had some advice to offer you. What I will say is that I am in a similiar situation. I've had some really nasty fights with my gf of the past 2 1/2 years, but it hasn't been horrible, and things have actually gotten better in the past few weeks. But over christmas, I decided to end it, she talked me out of it, but in my head, i've just felt 'checked out' since that point. We've had several long talks, honest talks where she ends up crying, but even in those, I am not completely honest. I've been looking for my way out for a long time now, it just hasn't come, and I'm afraid i'm going to end up dragging her to my next job (will be moving soon) instead of getting the courage to put my foot down and end it, though I know it would be better for both of us if I did. It is alot easier to say 'let her go if you care for her' than to do it, especially when you really do care for someone. I think I am figuring out that in the end, that really is what must happen. It's not fair to either person if one is checked out from the relationship, you're not being what she needs, just as I am not for my gf. I hope I get the guts to go through with it, and I hope that whatever you decide that you will be happier in the end. Like I said, not much advice to offer, but yours is one of the few stories i've read on here that seems to be similiar to mine, so I had to chime in. Good luck!
Arianna72 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 look, we've basically become really good friends instead of partners - and I think we need to recognize that we're at that point and move on with our lives This sounds like a great way to approach things. It will certainly be tough but it sounds like you recognize it will be better for both of you in the end. There doesn't have to be a "reason" sometimes things just don't work out.
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