Ruby Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 My boyfriend of 6 months has really disappointed me. My ex (father of my child) took an overdose 3 weeks ago and was in a nut house until he discharged himself on Friday. By Saturday he was drinking at 10am and wanted to kill himself again. As I was on the phone with my ex's brother to get my ex help my new boyfriend called. I said I would call him back but I took a while. He calls again and asks who I was on the phone to and i say I have had the morning from hell re my ex. He tells me he does not want to know about it and just then my mobile rings. He asks if its my ex and I say yes - He tells me to answer it and I say I dont wanna, he says go on babe answer it and when I say ok I will call you back in a sec he says "Dont bother I will call you later" I tried calling him and there was no answer so I leave it. We had plans to go out that night and I had arranged my mom to babsit and he knew this. He didnt even have the decency to let me know to cancel. He has tried calling a few times but I have rejected the calls as I do not want to just jump to his tune when HE decides to talk. He left me roasting for 2 days and expects me to just answer him when it suits HIM. I have his stuff in my house and I wanna give it to him and tell him to GTH. He has done this silent thing 3 times so far - I hate it. The first few times I made it easy for him when he decided to call a few days later but I am sick of his childish behavior! What to do guys??????????????
Author Ruby Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 Oh and just to add that he may be jealous of my ex but he has no reason to. I have told him exactly how I feel about my ex and I have had to deal with plenty of crap from his ex and I never make it worse for him - I support him! Arghhhhhhhhhhhh
Author Ruby Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 He just text me The text said "I will ring you" DAMN CHEEK!! I text back "dont worry about calling me it's too little, too late and I am worth more, when are you getting your stuff" He text back "Good night" Oh I am so mad!!!!!
BlueEyedSarah Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I don't know what advice to offer, but sounds like you both need to cool off a bit a little for tonight and re-think about it tomorrow when you have had a good nights sleep. I think he really needs to sort out he's jealous issue first before the both of you can move onto a happy level with each other. Maybe you both should talk about how he feels and why he feels the way he does and take it from there...
JCD Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Get into his shoes. How would you feel if his ex called him all the time? You too would probably get jealous. So my suggestion is for you to cut off your ex completely, at least for now. If you don't, he will get more jealous, more silent treatments and more unbalanced and bound to blow up at you.
RocketMan2 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Hi there, These words may sound harsh because i don't know your situation, but dont take offence, just my 2 cents... Think about it from his point of view, you're obviously giving you ex a lot of attention, and he probably feels neglected. All it takes is a tiny incling of jealousy to start the ball rolling. He let me down when I needed him most Would it not be more accurate to say; Its not when you needed him most, its when your ex needed you most? I think he really needs to sort out he's jealous issue firstNo, I think YOU need to help him sort out his jealousy issues. Youre causing them, not him. Telling him is fine, but it sounds like your words contradict your actions. You obviously care about your ex, which is why youre staying involved with him, but its not fair on your new partner. You ended it with you ex for a reason. Remind yourself of that. If hes in care then hes being cared for. You need to make a choice who you want.
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 How would you feel if his ex called him all the time? You too would probably get jealous. The EX is the father of her kid. He is unfortunately going to be in her life abit either way. And, her EX has mental issues so it's not like she's going to get back together with him. If the boyfriend wants to be part of her life, then he has to suck it up, be a mature adult and realize that some things (like the ex and his problems) are just there...She cares about her ex, but it doesn't seem she is INLOVE with her ex. The boyfriend has kids and also has an ex too...
Sevenmack Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 "The EX is the father of her kid. He is unfortunately going to be in her life abit either way. And, her EX has mental issues so it's not like she's going to get back together with him. If the boyfriend wants to be part of her life, then he has to suck it up, be a mature adult and realize that some things (like the ex and his problems) are just there...She cares about her ex, but it doesn't seem she is INLOVE with her ex." But how much time should Ruby put into her ex and his mental wellbeing? The reality is that while she will always have to deal with him on some level, there are plenty of ways to limit this. She's becoming this guy's support system when she shouldn't actually do this. The ex should go to his mother, father, friends, whathaveyou when he's in need; Ruby needs to separate herself. Without question, the boyfriend is acting like a jealous fool; he needs to chill. But Ruby needs to do a better job of balancing out her life. She spends far too much time on a man with whom she's no longer involved and giving less attention to the man she purportedly wants in her life. Given the presence of children -- which pulls lots of hours from the time needed to nurture a relationship -- jobs and everything else, the time spent on an ex, no matter how much he needs help, is merely taking up more time. And how much of someone about whom you care should you hand off to everyone else at your expense? There's nothing wrong with being selfish when you're not getting a lot out of a relationship from which you should be getting more.
andy212511 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 two options...either let him sweat it out or tell him the situation that hes being such a dick about and make him feel like an ass hole
Sevenmack Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Oh and just to add that he may be jealous of my ex but he has no reason to. I have told him exactly how I feel about my ex! But words mean nothing. Actions do. And in this case, as much as you have expressed your feelings about your ex in words, your actions suggest something else. Your ex has a brother; he's obligated to be there in his time of need. This obligation doesn't extend to you; your continued intervention in your ex's life is not only causing the ex to remain dependent on you -- which he shouldn't because you two are no longer together -- but adding stress to the relationship. As for your man's ex: He needs to balance things out on that front. You shouldn't have to take any more crap on that level than he should when it comes to your ex. Honestly, there seems to be far more problems than just the exes here. Both of you probably need to start discussing whether the two of you should be together at all. You're codependent on your ex and enabling his behavior too; your man is jealous and doesn't know how to behave maturely in a real relationship. Not a good combination.
insomnie Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I think he's being a complete baby. The ex is the father of her child...obviously if something were to happen to him it would affect the child VERY much VERY negatively for the rest of his life. As a father I would think the boyfriend would be more understanding of where Ruby's priorities lie right now, where they should always lie....with the child's best interests. Of course it's easy to say that she should back off, she doesn't need to be his entire support system, he should go somewhere else with his problems, etcetc....but the fact is, he is suicidal and needs help now, and we all don't know what his family structure is like and if he even has other people he can turn to who care about him. And she HAS to care, again because of the child. If she has explained all this to the boyfriend, I don't see any way he could even bring himself to be jealous. It defintiely doesn;t sound like she has feelings for the ex or is looking to start things up with him again. To me it sounds more like extreme immaturity and maybe a control issue on the bf's part. I think you need to talk to your boyfriend and calmly explain all of this to him, but if he is still can't accept that your child's well-being is more important than small-talk over the phone with him, you should end it.
Sevenmack Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I think he's being a complete baby. The ex is the father of her child...obviously if something were to happen to him it would affect the child VERY much VERY negatively for the rest of his life. As a father I would think the boyfriend would be more understanding of where Ruby's priorities lie right now, where they should always lie....with the child's best interests. And sometimes there needs to be a balance between the child's best interests and her own, especially if it ends up involving a current lover. In this case, spending all this time on the ex is unhealthy on both levels. The child's father is clearly incapable of being one; the kid needs to be kept out of dad's life right now. And Ruby is continuing a codependent relationship that's unhealthy on so many levels. Is her man being a big baby? Hell yes. That's why I think they both probably need to split up. He needs to grow up and realize that life is messy; you can't simply refuse to pick up the phone for two days because you're mad at your woman for behaving badly or being overly concerned about the welfare of an ex. The behavior, while understandable, is still unacceptable; when you care for someone, you simply talk things out. She needs to realize that she's overly involved with her ex ad not only because she's worried for her child. The reality is that she's still bonded to this man and not in a good way; she's also enabling the ex's erratic behavior and mental state in the process. But you can't simply say that Ruby's man is simply being immature and controlling. There are two people to blame for this state of affairs, neither of whom seem willing to realize their role in how things have escalated. A relationship between two people who can't see the forest for the trees isn't going to work.
insomnie Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I think he's being a complete baby. The ex is the father of her child...obviously if something were to happen to him it would affect the child VERY much VERY negatively for the rest of his life. As a father I would think the boyfriend would be more understanding of where Ruby's priorities lie right now, where they should always lie....with the child's best interests. And sometimes there needs to be a balance between the child's best interests and her own, especially if it ends up involving a current lover. In this case, spending all this time on the ex is unhealthy on both levels. The child's father is clearly incapable of being one; the kid needs to be kept out of dad's life right now. And Ruby is continuing a codependent relationship that's unhealthy on so many levels. Is her man being a big baby? Hell yes. That's why I think they both probably need to split up. He needs to grow up and realize that life is messy; you can't simply refuse to pick up the phone for two days because you're mad at your woman for behaving badly or being overly concerned about the welfare of an ex. The behavior, while understandable, is still unacceptable; when you care for someone, you simply talk things out. She needs to realize that she's overly involved with her ex ad not only because she's worried for her child. The reality is that she's still bonded to this man and not in a good way; she's also enabling the ex's erratic behavior and mental state in the process. But you can't simply say that Ruby's man is simply being immature and controlling. There are two people to blame for this state of affairs, neither of whom seem willing to realize their role in how things have escalated. A relationship between two people who can't see the forest for the trees isn't going to work. Under almost any other circumstances I would agree 100% with you....but the father of her child has attempted suicide. As far as bad things happening in the child's life, that's up there...probably top 5 for sure. Of course she needs to find a healthy balance between meeting the child's needs and her own....but this situation is a matter of life and death and can end up being VERY traumatic for her child. Until the crisis is over her responsibility is to help the ex survive so as not to damage the child. I do agree though that in the long run she needs to extract herself from her ex's life somewhat, and that of course her actions are contributing to the situation. Now's not the right time to go about accomplishing that is all I'm saying, and I think the ex needs to understand that.
Sevenmack Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 And I understand that. But the reality is that she can't stop a trainwreck of a life from being a trainwreck; only the trainwreck can do so himself. The ex's desire to commit suicide isn't going to be sated until he either decides to back off from doing it or actually succeeds in taking his own life. As much damage as his death could do to her child, his erratic behavior is even more damaging, both to the child and everyone else involved. He needs professional help and Ruby can't really help him choose to seek it. Her first job is to help her child. Sometimes this means removing the child from daddy's life until either he gets it fixed or takes a dirt nap. But I don't think her child's wellbeing is the only thing driving her actions. She's still into him and hasn't let go. Until she does so, she's unlikely to have another healthy relationship with anyone else.
RecordProducer Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Wow! I am impressed. You actually sound like the only one here who doesn't need advice. The silent treatments turn into break-ups soon enough. If you're married, they turn into threats for divorce and separations. He is jealous of your ex and your ex was dying. He should know that at this point you're certainly not attracted to your ex, but for some reason he feels unsafe when you talk to him.. You did the right thing for not answering his phone calls. make it a point that he can't do the emotional blackmail to you when he is angry. You either discuss things or split once for good. No silent treatments, no games. believe me the games DO NOT WORK. They only bring disappointment.
revolutionphilosophy Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 No silent treatments, no games. believe me the games DO NOT WORK. They only bring disappointment. Agreed. I personally like playing the other's game and reacting completely differently than how they planned. (I've heard female friends say they're doing something to 'teach' their boyfriend... oh the various machinations of women... how we love them). Anyways... on to the post... The 'silent treatment' is such a double-edged sword... sometimes it is better not to answer the phone (when you realize all you would do is say hurtful angry things to one another); but generally, the action is done out of spite ("oh you hurt me/made me angry... well I'll get you back!)" at which you have to ask yourself... if someone is so willing to hurt me for their own selfish reason -- how much can they truly care about me? I'm assuming your current BF knows that the father of your child recently overdosed (and possibly that he was contemplating suicide). If that is the case -- why wouldn't his reaction be to support you? Regardless of how he feels about your ex or your communication with your ex... his first reaction should be to support you (and possibly deal with the ex-situation later). I'm not advising you to end it with him... I don't believe in telling someone what to do with their life. That said -- I'd take a good look at how much you really think he cares for you... and (possibly) discuss it with him. Good luck
Guest Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Wow. U Know What? Too Many People Overthink Instead Of Just Sometimes Going With What U Know Is Right. My Gawd - I Would Hate To Think That Someone Special Would Not Tell Me About That. Men Are Not Mind Readers And We Don't Decifer Messages Well. We Need Real Talk Like" Gf - Tanre Od's And I Am Worried Bf - Be Right Over, Do U Need Anything Gf- Red Wine Bf - Lol - Seriously - Talk To Me Babe - What's Going On Gf - Well, T, Is, I Odn't Know... Bf - How About I Come Over And Stay For A While, Take Care Of The Meals And Bills While U Destress And We'll Talk Later Gf - No I Don't Want That Knock Knock Gf - Oh Its U How Did U Get Her So Fast Bf - Cell Phone Tracker - Wink Gf - Oh Mr. Dreamy Smooooooooochies
Author Ruby Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 Well I spoke to him and told him I would not put up with this silent crap! He said he would trrty to change how he reacts. A week later we had a small tiff and I wondered with baited breathe to see if he did the same thing - He didnt thank god! He rang me and we spoke about it until we sorted it out! Lets hope it remains this way
Guest Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Although this is resolved, have you considered how difficult it is to raise someone elses kid? It takes a strong heart to deal with that. When the father of your child phoned up it is invading his space. I imagine he would have put him to the back of his mind and tried to forget about it. If the father of your child has problems such as considering suicide then your boyfriend is probably mad that he isn't a good example regardless of whether or not it is his fault. Someone said earlier to suck it up and be mature, but he is raising a kid that isn't his own and that takes guts.
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