InSearchOfTruth Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Are the rebound rules the same for the ''dumper'' and the ''dumpee''? Presumably the person who broke off the relationship because they have 'fallen out of love' is in a more stable emotional state and could therefore suceed with a 'rebound'??
Cossette4 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I'm no psychologist, nor have I ever been involved in a rebound situation, but my ex-boyfriend seems to be doing just that right now, so of course, being the academic nerd that I am, I've done a lot of research in psychology journals about the phenomenon to better understand my situation and why he's doing what he's doing. First of all, it's not always the case that the "dumper" is more stable than the "dumpee." It all depends on the reason for the breakup. If the dumper felt demeaned or uncared for or abused or not good enough etc., they end the relationship but in no way feel "over it" or "ready to move on" because they feel "forced" to break up. Secondly, the entire definition of a "rebound relationship" is that someone quickly tries to find another to fill the void and avoid dealing with the painful breakup with a significant love. So if they are truly "rebounding," it's precisely b/c they aren't over the breakup and they aren't stable. If they are, on the other hand, dating someone new quickly b/c they were soooo over you during the last months of your relationship, then their new relationship doesn't really classify as a rebound at all. If you aren't sure which one your ex is doing (as I am not entirely sure), there are some tell-tale signs of "rebound" behavior and if they are present, it's a good chance it's a rebound: The person they go after is the complete opposite of you. This is so the new person will never remind them of you. The new person is also someone that wouldn't normally measure up to their standards if they weren't rebounding. They move quickly, where moving in can happen within days and marriage proposals can happen within weeks. This is because they think that in their deepest sorrow (your breakup), an angel has come to save them and show them true love. Their pain immediately lifts away and they get carried away in the moment, thinking this is the real deal. Most rebound relationships don't last because they are built on a shaky foundation where unresolved issues and unresolved pain from the person's breakup are buried and avoided initially, only to rear their ugly head later on in the new relationship. One day, the person who they ran to will be completely unattractive to them because this new person no longer solves their problems and provides an escape from pain. They will realize there was never any love there to begin with. Obviously, there are exceptions to the rule. In fact, a common motto out there is "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" and many people swear by it. I, personally, find that disgusting and only a temporary solution. I would think that instead of finding an easy way out, the rebounder gets stuck with all the baggage from the first breakup PLUS the awkward messy second breakup. 1
Author InSearchOfTruth Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Thanks for your reply Cossette - great research and insight. I am actually on the other side of the equation. I recently met someone who has just came out of a 2.5 year serious relationship few weeks ago and although I really like him and we get along great - I am reluctant to be more than friends at this stage as I do not want to be the rebound girl. Eventhough he broke up with his girlfriend as she was being verbally abusive over the phone and they were starting to have fights etc...not sure if he is in a stable emotional state yet although he claims to be. I'd rather be friends and if something develops further down the line then so be it..atleast then I'd know that I am not just being a replacement
Recommended Posts