InSearchOfTruth Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Are the rebound rules the same for the ''dumper'' and the ''dumpee''? Presumably the person who broke off the relationship because they have 'fallen out of love' is in a more stable emotional state and could therefore suceed with a 'rebound'??
CaliGuy Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I don't think so and here's why. When the dumper (especially a woman) decides to finally call the relationship off, she has been detaching herself for some time. She takes weeks, maybe months to finally end it. During that time she is preparing herself for the end. She may even secretly start seeing someone else. In her mind, she hasn't bounced from relationship to relationship. She's been making a transition. Guys, on the other hand, tend to end things quickly and abruptly with less long term thought. I think it's why men are much more likely to come back than women are. So to answer your question, if a woman is right into another relationship, odds are that it was something she was preparing herself for a long time.
Author InSearchOfTruth Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 Thanks for your reply CaliGuy I am being a bit hypothetical but just trying to understand the motives behind actions..... I am guessing then that if the dumper was a male who then proceeded to have a rebound relationship...then the chances are higher that he would realise he has made a mistake and could potentially return back to his ex or alternatively choose to take some time out for himself....
CaliGuy Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Maybe. There's no telling, really. What I have learned is there is no situation that is the same and there are so many varying factors that contemplating scenarios to try and find something in your favor is fruitless. Better to move on to bigger, better things than to lament and live in the past.
D-Lish Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I think that if there's a connection, regardless of whether you're male or female- dumper or dumpee... it's difficult to move on if you truly loved your ex. I've been the dumper, and I've been dumped... and for me, a break up is difficult no matter what. Different people deal with a break up in different ways. Some hide the heartheak by jumping into something new, and others take the proper time and avenues to grieve. I tend to grieve first before moving on. I think it's important to do so.
Author InSearchOfTruth Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Thanks for your response D-Lish I am in a situation where I recently met someone who has just come out of a 2.5 year serious relationship few weeks ago and although he is interested in pursuing something more than friendship - I am reluctant to do so as I dont feel like he is ready emotionally because it was such a long relationship but he claims to be ready......also most of the time rebounds seem to fail from what I have heard and read about them so I feel like I'd rather not take any chances and get hurt down the line. not that he would intentionally do that but I feel like he is probably confused right now as to what he wants and needs to grieve and get over his past first...at the same time I do like him though but just seems like bad timing for now thanks
D-Lish Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 A very close friend of mine met her now husband a few weeks after leaving a 7 year relationship... so you never know. If he mentally checked out of the relationship before the actual break up- he could be ready to move into something healthy with someone new. I agree that protecting yourself is smart, but I wouldn't give up just yet if you really like this person... maybe just take it slow? D
Star Gazer Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I don't think so and here's why. When the dumper (especially a woman) decides to finally call the relationship off, she has been detaching herself for some time. She takes weeks, maybe months to finally end it. During that time she is preparing herself for the end. She may even secretly start seeing someone else. In her mind, she hasn't bounced from relationship to relationship. She's been making a transition. Guys, on the other hand, tend to end things quickly and abruptly with less long term thought. I think it's why men are much more likely to come back than women are. So to answer your question, if a woman is right into another relationship, odds are that it was something she was preparing herself for a long time. At first I didn't agree with the male/female distinction here, but after giving it some thought, I agree. Almost every single guy who has broken up with me has "come back" after ending the relationship abruptly. I, on the other hand, NEVER try to get a guy back after ending it because I have completely thought it out and truly made up my mind long before the technical end of the relationship. I'm curious, however, about the mutally agreed-upon endings... the ones where the parties say, "yeah, we're not getting along, this isn't best for either one of us..." - how soon is too soon to date after those relationships?
D-Lish Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I think you'll know when you're ready. When you feel open to the idea of dating- it means you're ready to actually start dating again. That doesn't mean you are saying you're looking to fall in love right away! It doesn't have to mean that. I'm having a third date tonight... with a great guy who is truly making me forget about my ex! But It took 5 months to take that step for me. Trust me, you'll feel it when you're ready! D
Krying Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I hope it goes well for your D. My life is just getting worse, I mean really worse. It wasn't so bad in retrospect after my ex left me. But now it's all come back to rehaunt me and I'm freaking out basically. I want her back all over again, and that's the end of it. I tried to move on, was making progress, but for whatever reason, I got pulled back in. I give up. My life truly sux. What light I thought I saw at the end of the tunnel, was just me seeing stars as I was getting whacked over the head again and again. As a side point, I want to ask anyone if they have ever gotten back with their ex years down the road. I ask this as I know that's the direction I'm going. I tried to forget and move on, and life just wouldn't let me. So screw it. I'll then hold onto the only thing that gives me any comfort in life and that's hope. Hope that I will again be with my ex. Coincidently, my dreams of late have been filled with my having contact with my ex. The most recent one was of her saying she felt her husband was going out too much or leaving her to deal with things too many times etc. I don't exactly remember, but it was in that regard. So amateur shrinks, does this simply mean that is what I am so longing for, thus I am not over her (duh, I'm not over her if you haven't already guess), or do dreams actually mean anything. Could there be any truth in dreams?
CaliGuy Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 At first I didn't agree with the male/female distinction here, but after giving it some thought, I agree. Almost every single guy who has broken up with me has "come back" after ending the relationship abruptly. I, on the other hand, NEVER try to get a guy back after ending it because I have completely thought it out and truly made up my mind long before the technical end of the relationship. Women take a very long time to make a big decision. Men on the other hand are known for brash, quick decisions they end up later regretting. Essentially you started backing out of the relationships long before you pulled the trigger therefore when you started dating someone else, in your "emotional time line" you were well ahead of the ones you left. See, they never saw it coming. You had known and prepared for it for months ahead of time. I'm curious, however, about the mutally agreed-upon endings... the ones where the parties say, "yeah, we're not getting along, this isn't best for either one of us..." - how soon is too soon to date after those relationships? I think in cases where it's mutually agreed, both were already thinking of ending it and neither knew how. I would assume very quickly, really. In the cases where I have ended it, I have never regretted my decision. I had thought it out well before hand. In the one case where it was mutual, neither of us gave a flip and were dating new people very quickly. I think it's only in cases where one of the persons involved hasn't got a clue what is going on and is blindesided are the ones who usually take a long time to recover and move on. They weren't expecting it, unless they of course read and understood the red flags.
D-Lish Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Krying- Relapses happen. The light you thought you saw at the end of the tunnel? You'll see it again. Don't give up. I've had three dates with someone that makes my heart skip a beat- and I never thought it would happen. Crap, he's 31- two kids, and widower... I never thought that's a situation I'd see myself getting involved in. You can't predict your future- no matter how much you want to. Maybe your ex will come back, maybe she won't. Maybe, by hanging on to the "idealized" woman that gives you so much comfort...there are a lot of truly good women passing you by while you wait. You want stability in life? You want a healthy relationship? Is she ever going to be that person? D
Krying Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 D, it was other factors in my life that brought me back to thinking of her. I was a good way along in putting her behind me, but a recent event concerning my finances brought me back to thinking of her. At present I stand to lose my job, house, friends and various other aspects of my life. Whoever says life gets better with time needs to be shot. This all came about due to me trusting her. I made financial decisions based on the fact we would live our lives together but she lied to me from the very beginning. She was in another relationship but kept it a secret. Thus I got involved, not knowing of course that her feelings for this other person were still very real and fresh. I fell in love with her and we were going to get married. Then she blindsides me out of nowhere and leaves me in an instant. Had she simply been honest from the very beginning I never would have gotten involved with her on a more serious level. And thus I would not be in the mess I’m in now financially. I only made those choices based on the fact we would be married and living together. I was doing ok before I found out this recent stuff. But after this most recent setback, for the first time ever, I really truly hated her. Being the big softy I am, that faded quick. But since I had been thinking of her so much in anger, that in turn fed my affections for her again, and wow did they come back fast and strong. Why won’t life let me forget this person? I'm sick of this. I'm not going to fight it any longer and simply give in to the dark side. We relate to each other in my dreams which oddly seem to be occurring more frequently. Throughout my life, my dreams never included my family or friends in them. Not even past loved ones. But my ex, who is really and literally in my dreams, is appearing more frequently. I guess that saying is true, the girl of your dreams. You can't predict your future- no matter how much you want to. Maybe your ex will come back, maybe she won't. Maybe, by hanging on to the "idealized" woman that gives you so much comfort...there are a lot of truly good women passing you by while you wait. D, that’s a very real possibility. I may be missing or not seeing a good person because I can’t get over my ex, but I have no choice now. I’m losing everything. My only option right now is to go crawling back to my parents. My friends have all but abandoned me, and one told me that the reason I was so unsuccessful in relationships was due to my being a whiner. That they felt that scared girls off and they were going to say something but didn’t. Wow, great some encouragement. That’s just what I needed.
Darkwall Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 READ..."Mars and Venus - starting over" AND... "Men are from mars women are from Venus". Some excellent tips on starting over and the healing process for both the dumper and dumpee. In these books you will have a ton of questions answered. Both the dumper and dumpee are liable of ending up in a "rebound" relationship if... they don't follow the healing process correctly. STEP 1... GET SUPPORT (talk about it, especially with others who share your experience. STEP 2... GRIEVE THE LOSS (look back and appreciate the good and forgive the mistakes, re-experience. STEP 3... BECOME WHOLE AGAIN (before getting involved again, feel like you don't need to. Without the healing process, men have trouble commiting and women have problems trusting again. The heart will open fully to another if it is NOT closed to someone in your past. 1
Am4Real Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I think that if there's a connection, regardless of whether you're male or female- dumper or dumpee... it's difficult to move on if you truly loved your ex. I've been the dumper, and I've been dumped... and for me, a break up is difficult no matter what. Different people deal with a break up in different ways. Some hide the heartheak by jumping into something new, and others take the proper time and avenues to grieve. I tend to grieve first before moving on. I think it's important to do so. D-Lish, I have to agree with you, there are varying ways and even reasons to recover from a breakup not to mention methods as many have described in the thousands of posts on the subject. I also think persons that go through the breakup experience several times learn from the previous experiences to some degree even though they are not always identical unless of course someone has a recurring problematic flaw. In my last break I was sort-of the dumper having began to check out of the relationship due to concerns about my EX, however, we really never broke it off in a conversation that was specific to breaking up. Call it a break if you will. The break became extended and during that time she met someone. Poof, twelve weeks after meeting someone there is an engagement ring on her finger. If you’ve been there you know that marriage and commitment are normally spoken about a few weeks before the actual official pledge meaning engagement and marriage talks began maybe eight weeks after the relationship started. When I got the call to let me know she was engaged, I went from dumper (in kind) to dumpee. How interesting is that? Ironically though in our break off conversation she began to cry at the sound of my voice (we had not spoken in months) and started off the convo babbling how much she missed me, which later became asking to see me “one more time” and finally telling me she still had “love for me”. So despite all the time gone by and her going from dumpee to dumper she certainly seems confused and more than likely is setting herself up or her fiance for very serious rebound issues (my guess anyway). In other words to Cali’s point there are average expectancies or predictabilities in relationship breakups (certainly these are not rules) but as he said, there are so many varying factors it’s impossible or mind crazy to even attempt to offer a likely course for anyone. Am4Real p.s. Love your advice, I’ve read some pretty sensible wisdom in many of your posts.
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