Help... I'm very mixed up and need advice ASAP! (Long Story)

[atomant]

Hello,

 

Looking for advice... (This is one of them post you need to read before replying)

 

I have a GF right now (we can call her GF-1) that lives with me in my house and wants me to marry her very badly. I do love her, however; I'm not in mad love with her as she is with me. She is a good woman and very good friend, and a great partner. I can trust her with anything and everything I own or have. Even though we have not had sex in 6 to 8 months now and with the way things are going for us we may not ever have sex again. And to make things worse She had gotten huge over 270 pounds @ 5.6 feet tall and not that that's a bad thing but it just kills any sex drive I have for her. I don’t mind slightly heavy women, just not an obese woman.

 

Here is where the problem starts....

 

About this time last summer, I left GF-1 for a new GF (we can call this one GF-2). We really hit it off and got alone like Adam and Eve. I had left GF-1 that I talked about above for this girl for about 4 to 6 months... (Time fly when you having fun and your in love) any ways after asking this new GF, GF-2 to marry me twice and both times she said yes, going and getting rings both times that I asked her and then having to returning them. She backed out on me both times and I was all-alone again. No big deal that just life. $hit happens.

 

Well about 3 weeks past and I found myself lonely and want to spend sometime with someone so being weak I went back to GF-1 again and well we got back together once again and she moved back into my house again, well it was great to have her back in my life again. However we have been together now for almost 8 months again and well I'm back to the feeling that I love her (GF-1) but I'm not in love with her and she still want to get married to me.

 

Ok,

 

A little info on GF-2, I work in the same place but not in the same area with her (Large Company) so I don't see her everyday, just once in a while. Again no big deal just the way my life goes sometimes. Well I really love this woman GF-2; I mean like mad love. I want to be with her and I know she wants to be with me as well. We just click in so many ways it funny. I have meet here parents and they seem to like me, I asked GF-2's dad if I could have his blessing to marry GF-2 and he said yes, so I know or at least I like to think he likes me.

 

On to the Facts: Well here is the fact as I see them..

 

1. I love GF-1 but I'm not in mad love with her.

 

2. GF-1 wants to get married to me and start a family with me.

 

3. GF-1 is trustworthy and loyal to me 110%

 

4. GF-1 is not doing anything to lose weight even though she sez(sp) she is and with her not doing it, I don’t see her trying to lose weight to try get our sex life back on track.

 

5. GF-1 works as a teacher with little kids and would make a great mother.

 

6. GF-1 no sex drive at all... none, I mean she will take care of me but no sex drive from me for her at all. (SAD, makes me feel bad that I don’t want to have sex with her)

 

7. GF-2 “MAD” love for her

 

8. I think of GF-2 in my free time most of the time at home and at work. I even dream about her.

 

9 GF-2 awesome sex and I always feel good about being with her also I do feel like having intercourse with her all the time, and I know I make her feel good as well.

 

10. GF-2 well not commit or at least stick with it. 2x she has backed out on me and 2 times I have had to return rings and embarrassed myself having to explain why I was retuning the ring(s).

 

11. GF-2 will not have anything to do with me until GF-1 moves out of my house and out of the seen completely.

 

12. GF-1 is the GF both my parents like. GF-1 has gotten very close to my family and most of all, my mother and sister.

 

13. GF-2 is 2 years older then I am and may not be able to have a family (kids) with me of our own.

 

14. Both GF-1 and GF-2 have good jobs and can help support a family. And both of them would make good mothers I’m sure

 

15. GF-2 is very independent and out going where GF-1 is always depending on me.

 

16. Not having any intercourse in months is killing me because I enjoy it, not that I have to have it all the time but once in a while would be nicer then none at all for months at a time.

 

17. I don't really feel like getting married to GF-1 (At least at this point). I have never been married and really only want to get married once.

 

18. GF-2 like’s to be the boss in our relationship which I can't stand.. I would like for it to be a 51/49 and with GF-2 I feel like it's more like 35/65 and I have a hard time with that.

 

19. GF-1 take good care of me, my house, does the laundry and cleans the house. She also helps pay some of the bills.

 

20. GF-2 is the girl I want to be with but GF-1 is the one I'm with now.

 

21. GF-1 is very easily upset with mood swings and get depressed and upset easy. I really don’t want to hurt her in any way. I do love her and to me I need to find the easiest way out to not hurt her feelings, if that a possibility. However to leave her again for GF-2 would crush her if she ever found out and I really don’t want that for GF-1.

 

So I hope that with the info I have just gave you maybe one of you can help me with advice on what to do...

 

This is a very hard thing to decide to do, I need to get something figured out in the next few months. Do I stay with GF-1 and get married and just try to make the best out of it, or do I get rid of GF-1 and go back to GF-2 that I want to be with and just try to do the best I can with her and hope for the best. One more thing to add here I’m 38, GF-1 is 32 and GF-2 is 40. We are all professionals and work 40+ hours a week.

 

This is driving my crazy! HELP ME PLEASE with your advice on what to do. Thank you for your time and advice in advance...

 

Atomant

[midori]

You have to be brave to live a fulfilling life. I think that you should break up with GF-1 (the fat one who's living with you) right away, regardless of whether or not GF-2 seems available. You're using GF-1 as a filler, as you admitted -- you went back to her when you were lonely after breaking up with GF-2. That's not fair to her, and it's not going to work for you. Don't start relationships with people because you're lonely and they're available. She might be comfortable with the current situation (she has a partner) but it's a situation based on falsehoods. You love her as a friend, not as a wife. To make her your wife would be inviting all kinds of trouble.

 

Break up with GF-1 and see where things take you with GF-2. If GF-2 is difficult and unable to make the kind of commitment you'd like her to make you will have to accept that she's probably not the right one for you either. You'll have a better perspective on your relationship with GF-2 if you don't have good ol' GF-1 waiting in the background to turn to when you're lonely. Or if you and GF2 have things you need to work out between you, you need to fully devote yourself to that, even if it means being lonely sometimes or otherwise upset. If you want GF-2 you have to go the whole nine yards and really try to make it work with her. You can't have a fall-back girlfriend to soften the blow when things get difficult.

 

Maybe in the end it won't be either woman. But you definitely need to let GF-1 go since you're not in love with her. She's got to find someone who does love her. Maybe she'll need to lose some weight, make herself more healthy before that will happen. You're not doing her any favors by pretending to be that person in the meantime.

[Debster]

Ok, please take this with a grain of salt, 'cause this one hits a little too close to home.

 

I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend. I love him and want to marry him. He 'thinks' he loves me but isn't sure and it isn't the 'powerful love' (his words) he felt for a girlfriend 10 years ago. He says he loves being with me, spending time with me, is attracted to me, the sex is great, we have fun together and the whole thing, but he's not sure. We've broken up twice because of this same issue and each time he comes back saying how much he misses me - but this whole thing keeps rearing its ugly head.

 

I've told him that i deserve someone who loves me (and doesn't think he's settling) and realizes that the powerful love he felt for the other girl was infatuation, not love. I've given him a couple of days to think about it all, and if he tells me that what he wants (the powerful love) he doesn't think he'll find with me, than I'm out of there. As much as I love him (and I do) and want to be with him, I WILL NOT be with someone who thinks he's settling.

This will hurt me tremendously, but no less that knowing that I'll never take the place of this other woman in his heart.

 

I have a feeling your GF#1 will feel the same. Being in a marriage where only one person is feeling it, isn't a marriage.

[honeybee255]

Look i know your confused, but the way i see it your in love with gf2, but she doesnt want to commit so you go back to the backburner and go with gf1 (hey its old comfortable feelings that you both are use to)..but there is no sense for you to be unhappy let alone put gf1 through all that misery. I feel real bad for gf1. I just put myself in her shoes...from the way you described her she seems like an awesome person, and she must have to be to put up with you..

Dont waste your time waiting for the gf2 to come around..if someone gave me back my rings 2x i would not want them back for fear of being hurt again..find someone out there that you CAN appreciate as well as them feeling the same way mad love as you want.. your a grown man, get your priorities straight!!

[Ally Boo]

This sounds like the current situation I just got out of. I was in love with a guy who wasn't as "good" as the guy who was in love with me. There were things about this good guy that bothered me...and weight was one of them...wasn't so much the weight, it was the fact that he didn't seem to want to change it...or he'd say he did, and then fall back on it. But, he'd be a great husband...never cheat, lie, steal, etc. The other guy is kinda shady about how the future would be....but I couldn't helped it, I loved him. So I left this good guy to be with this "not so good" guy.

The way I looked at it is this...I'm breaking his heart, yes, but I would be a worse person, to lead him on and live a lie. You are living a lie and it is unfair to you AND her. And as far as your family goes...you are living this life for YOU not them. They'll get over it. Do the right thing...

[quankanne]

stop seeing both of them and give your brain a break. In the meantime, you'll stop being so unfair to GF1, who you "love but don't love like that;" maybe you'll even impress GF2 enough because you're not telling her you love her but living with someone else because you don't want to be alone!

[the_best_foryou]

Your situation is very bad. I think you just couldn't decide which one is better. I think you may need a future insight. And you should choose the benefit that you really want to have,according to your values and belief. And no matter which one you choose, you should communicate you needs with her and may be she will change.

[atomant]

Just a quick update GF2 is out... In her words let's just be friends. I'm better off without her any ways. I'm still with GF1 and we are trying to work things out... but it's work. Thanks for your opinions and commits. I'll keep you up to date from time to time.

 

AtomAnt