I'm a bad communicator!

[coaster1026]

I've posted about this before; but my problem still lingers. I've been friends with my roommate for about 10 yrs; minus about 3 yrs. that we didn't speak much because he lived with his fiance. I started hearing through the grapevine they were having problems about a year ago. Even before that, I ran into his girlfriend one night, and she said he had told her about our close friendship from several years ago, when I fell in love with him..which he knew about but we never really discussed it. I was never able to tell him to his face. She stressed that she wasn't mad at me over it (I had known her from their break-up & make-up period). Besides, it had been 5 yrs..I was well over it by then!..anyhow about a year ago, they broke up, he and I started calling each other on holidays, etc., just to say hi; one night he called and met up with me for a late night dinner...It was brief cuz I got called away by friends...but I assumed it was just a catch-up meeting. It was weird though; almost like he wanted to tell me something..I actually didn't know he had broken up with his girlfriend at this point. He told me that a few months later. One night after she'd moved out, he had me over to his place and we messed around. No big deal. Then, the next day, he calls and says he needs a roommate. I thought it was a little odd, but I was so excited that I didn't care. We had been best friends in the past and I needed the financial help. We signed a 1 year lease on a 2 bedroom and moved in 6 mos. ago. (no sexual relations what so ever) He said his kids would be there sometimes, (they are teens) but they've actually been there a lot more than that; which is fine; except for a couple times when he left them there with me while he went out scoping chicks with his buddies. We argued about it cuz I think I'm nice enough not to say anything while he works at night and the kids are there with me. Work is one thing, but leaving me there with them otherwise I think is crossing the line.

 

Anyhow, we had planned to talk after the argument, but I chickened out. I've chickened out a couple times. I don't understand how he wants our relationship to be. I'm scared to death of asking. I'm scared that I might love him now but what if I don't later. In the beginning of this, he talked about us getting a house when the lease is up. Yet, here we are, both still single and dating other people (mostly that's him I don't date very often); why even think of a house with someone you are not dating? He would "accidentally" get really close to me sometimes, as if checking my reaction. Last time he brought up the house I blew the topic off and he hasn't brought it up since. We are not as affectionate as we were before but we get along. I have definitly gained a family here. I love it and love him, but is he just using me as a "step" mom of sorts until finds someone he really loves? Or is he attempting to re-invent the feelings that drove us a part 5 years ago? I'm getting nervous cuz we are half way into the lease now. I am just as afraid of rejection as I am of finding out it's the real thing. He really is a wonderful man. But my self esteem issues a rise when I see the very skinny and younger girls that he dates. I don't have problems with my looks at all, unless I think about him and those girls. I think, wouldn't he have made a move by now if he wanted this? Should I make a move or just "talk" first? I live with a great man and his children but I can't say any of them are mine to keep. What the hell do I do. Thanks, ...sorry this was so crazily long...there's more to it of course but that would be too much...

[Hitman10000]

Be yourself to be honest. If you're not the type to wave their arms and scream at everyone to look at you then so be it. If you're the type that likes coming home and just smiling at your neighbor without saying anything and then going about your business, that's cool. Why should you have to pretend that you're more social than you really are.