Virgo1982 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Hello all, I am a 24 yr old female who fell for a 34 yr old, mm. I thought from the beginning he was too good to be true, but I never give guys a chance. So, I let him into my heart. We were intimate and shortly thereafter, I had a terrible feeling something was wrong. I had never been to his place because I live accross town and he was willing to come my way. So, I allowed him. We work opposite shifts. So, he would come by during the day and bring me lunch and things like that. Then, I thought about his income and his expenses, which really made me think. So, I asked and he was honest at this point of course-my feelings were involved. Now, I have told him it was over twice before, but I was weak. This time, I have maintained my distance, but he still proceeds to contact me. It's very hard because I've never been in a situation like this before. His marriage is a disaster, but I told him that if it is in fact a mess, then he should do something about it. Either counseling, or get a divorce, but it must be for himself. I definitely know he has some feelings, but he is just using to me to fill the void from what's missing in his marriage. I feel guilty and ashamed to be in such a predicament and though I want to hate him and move on with my life. I keep getting sucked back in.
noforgiveness Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 bumping this to the top for you. I'm sure the ow's can help. You know it's wrong. We don't need to tell you.
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Hello all, I am a 24 yr old female who fell for a 34 yr old, mm It's wrong. Wrong because he's married and because you deserve a man who is single and available. He's full of crap, his marriage isn't a disaster. If it really was, dont you think he would be getting a divorce? Not to be with you, but to just leave so he can be happy? He's giving you the typical MM line. Go read some other posts in this section, everytime you feel weak, and want him back - Go read the pain and suffering the most OW go through. Then go read some threads about the pain and suffering that betrayed spouses go through when they find out their spouse was cheating on them. Do yourself a big favour, tell him to F OFF and leave you alone. Cry, heal and move on. Trust me, one day you WILL find a single man who is better suited for you! But the only way you'll find him is to ditch the MM forever!!
Author Virgo1982 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 bumping this to the top for you. I'm sure the ow's can help. You know it's wrong. We don't need to tell you. Yes, in my mind, I know it's wrong, but my heart will not let go. Coming to this forum has helped, but I would really like to get feedback from those who know what it's like to be in my shoes. It doesn't help that he continues to contact me constantly.
Author Virgo1982 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 I've been doing that. I realized that reading the posts helps tremendously, but some of the things he's done, I can honestly say I believe the marriage is definitely in trouble. I also know in my mind that if I were to continue with him, I would probably be in her shoes someday. What does my stupid heart do? Think wishfully that I can change him...Sorry, just being honest.
herenow Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 It's wrong. Wrong because he's married and because you deserve a man who is single and available. He's full of crap, his marriage isn't a disaster. If it really was, dont you think he would be getting a divorce? Not to be with you, but to just leave so he can be happy? He's giving you the typical MM line. Go read some other posts in this section, everytime you feel weak, and want him back - Go read the pain and suffering the most OW go through. Then go read some threads about the pain and suffering that betrayed spouses go through when they find out their spouse was cheating on them. Do yourself a big favour, tell him to F OFF and leave you alone. Cry, heal and move on. Trust me, one day you WILL find a single man who is better suited for you! But the only way you'll find him is to ditch the MM forever!! Add one more correct answer to the list WWIU. Couldn't have said it better myself. I'm going to start a site called "WWWWIU Do?" Not to be sac-religious or anything.
quankanne Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 ... and it's wrong because he expects you to sell yourself short for him. You're much better than to swoop to his expectations.
Author Virgo1982 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Yes, I know. It's just part of me that wants to believe him. I definitely KNOW what you say to be true. My feelings are a different story...
Author Virgo1982 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Part of me hates him for being a manipulative, selfish, prick and part of me feels its my fault for not knowing sooner. It's crazy. Basically, I try to tell myself I deserve better, but I feel stupid for ending up in such a situation.
NearlyThere Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Hello all, I am a 24 yr old female who fell for a 34 yr old, mm. I thought from the beginning he was too good to be true, but I never give guys a chance. So, I let him into my heart. We were intimate and shortly thereafter, I had a terrible feeling something was wrong. I had never been to his place because I live accross town and he was willing to come my way. So, I allowed him. We work opposite shifts. So, he would come by during the day and bring me lunch and things like that. Then, I thought about his income and his expenses, which really made me think. So, I asked and he was honest at this point of course-my feelings were involved. Now, I have told him it was over twice before, but I was weak. This time, I have maintained my distance, but he still proceeds to contact me. It's very hard because I've never been in a situation like this before. His marriage is a disaster, but I told him that if it is in fact a mess, then he should do something about it. Either counseling, or get a divorce, but it must be for himself. I definitely know he has some feelings, but he is just using to me to fill the void from what's missing in his marriage. I feel guilty and ashamed to be in such a predicament and though I want to hate him and move on with my life. I keep getting sucked back in. Of course its wrong, I would be surprised if any OW would disagree, but once involved its a lot easier said than done to extricate yourself from the sitch, believe me I know that, I wrestle virtually with myself everyday, lol. I dont feel so much that I am filling the void, but giving him the opportunity to avoid the real problem in his M. In my opinion I would really try to keep up the NC (no contact) option and be as determined as you can to maintain it and ask him to respect your feelings. It never gets easier being in a relationship with a MM, in fact the longer it goes on the worse it becomes, however I believe many exOW will tell you its better on the other side once you get there. I have to agree with the statement often repeated on here by all that if he really cares for you, the NC will work and will force him to look at his M in the cold light of day without you to detract from it. However like I said its very easy for me to sit here and type it, doing it is very hard not matter what anyone else says. Sorry but I just cant tell you to go for it and carry on if thats what you wanted to hear, I know that really makes me a hypocrite (sure thats a spelling mistake, sorry) but like I said it does not get better. BTW welcome to LS.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 It's wrong. Wrong because he's married and because you deserve a man who is single and available. He's full of crap, his marriage isn't a disaster. If it really was, dont you think he would be getting a divorce? Not to be with you, but to just leave so he can be happy? He's giving you the typical MM line. Go read some other posts in this section, everytime you feel weak, and want him back - Go read the pain and suffering the most OW go through. Then go read some threads about the pain and suffering that betrayed spouses go through when they find out their spouse was cheating on them. Do yourself a big favour, tell him to F OFF and leave you alone. Cry, heal and move on. Trust me, one day you WILL find a single man who is better suited for you! But the only way you'll find him is to ditch the MM forever!! Even if his marriage IS a disaster, he's an overlapper. He cannot leave a relationship unless he has another waiting for him. That is so unhealthy. Worse than that, he will do the same to you if things don't work out and then you will be the betrayed partner. It appears that he started out by lying (not telling you he is married is lying in my opinion) and liars continue to lie. Add one more correct answer to the list WWIU. Couldn't have said it better myself. I'm going to start a site called "WWWWIU Do?" Not to be sac-religious or anything. Hehe, I would visit that website! Good advice peppered with occasional humor when appropriate. That's a good concept.
Author Virgo1982 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Even if his marriage IS a disaster, he's an overlapper. He cannot leave a relationship unless he has another waiting for him. That is so unhealthy. Worse than that, he will do the same to you if things don't work out and then you will be the betrayed partner. It appears that he started out by lying (not telling you he is married is lying in my opinion) and liars continue to lie. Hehe, I would visit that website! Good advice peppered with occasional humor when appropriate. That's a good concept. I told him that it's ridiculous and unhealthy, but he does not believe in seeking help. For some reason, he refuses to be alone. He keeps asking me questions about a future and if I would let him move in and I'm trying to tell him that even if I did go along with such a thing, there is a right and wrong way to do things. I can only imagine the stress and drama. The more I talk to you all, the easier this gets...Thanks!
stace79 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 When you love someone, or even just think you do, it seems impossible to let them go and not see them at all. But that's what you have to do...I told someone else today, it's like ripping off a Band-Aid. You have to do it all at once and really quickly....cold turkey...no messing around. Do whatever you have to to keep yourself occupied and not think about him, and if he keeps contacting you, a restraining order can be nicely effective. =) Be strong...
guin_girl Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 We were intimate and shortly thereafter, I had a terrible feeling something was wrong. So, I asked and he was honest at this point of course-my feelings were involved. He started your "relationship" as a lie. Even if he weren't married, which he is, would you really want to be with someone who lied to get you? That would be a huge issue for me, even without the "pesky marriage" thing.
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 he refuses to be alone. He keeps asking me questions about a future and if I would let him move in He doesn't or can't be alone. SAY NO. If he needs a place to go to, let it be a friend, a family member or a hotel!! Not your bed, not your company. Listen to your mind, not your heart...Keep telling yourself he IS a prick! Over and over and over again until it sinks in. Don't let him or your emotions believe otherwise.
puddleofmud Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Since you already feel this is wrong and wrong for you than that point is moot...no lectures from me! What you may be asking is "how" to let go? There is no easy formula--but since this guy is "afraid to be alone" and doesn't believe in getting help, then is he really a good catch? Someone you would wish to continue seeing? Should his marriage truly be a mess; maybe that's why! Perhaps he is avoiding his responsibilties within the relationship he already HAS. What would a future w/ him be like? Would he, everytime he gets a tad bit insecure--start seeking "relief" from an outside source (women or other means) or is there evidence that he would hunker down and work within a relationship in order to allow growth, trust, seek common values, work out financial situations, etc? If being with someone who is incapable of working things out on his own and that you have to "mother" to death and constantly second guess and worry about appeals to you then you have exactly what you need. But I doubt that is what you want... It's easy to get caught up with the consumate, practiced player--one of their hallmarks seems to be "poor me" sydrome along w/ that cute "bad boy" attitude! (Arf!) And it's not see easy to see them for what they are... But you seem to be doing a good job of busting him so I think you could do an even better job of busting OUT if that is where you choose to place your energy. Hang in there and best wishes to you!
Author Virgo1982 Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 You all make perfect sense and with your encouragement I have been able to make progress. Yesterday, I think he finally got the point that I am through with him. He tried to use reverse psychology and tell me I never loved him, but I agreed with him in a mocking manner. That really burnt his toast. As a matter of fact, the more I think of his manipulative tactics, the more pleasure I get out of seeing him suffer. It makes me think of one Alicia Keys song, "Karma." I think he suspected that my feelings were so intense that I would be his little puppet. I deserve better. Thanks guys. We did enjoy each other's company. So, it's still a struggle, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Now, it's time for me to do some serious self-repair and move on with my life. I have made an appointment to see a therapist and in time, I think I will be able to love and trust again.
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