Matt999 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I've been going out with my g/f for 6 months now and things were going well until I got into a bit of trouble recently(assault). I've been told that I am probably looking at 6-12 months in jail. I've never been before although I have been in a bit of trouble before - nothing too serious though. I am worried that my g/f is going to dump me because of this - she knows what happened but doesn't know that I've been in trouble before and likely to get jail because of that. Just wondering how you would react if your b/f was in a similar situation and would you stand by them. I know that having her come and visit would be great but not sure if she will.
bluechocolate Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 After 6 months she still doesn't know about your past & you seemingly haven't cleaned up your act. It is rumoured that a tearful confession & promises to 'be good' can work wonders with some women. I've never been before although I have been in a bit of trouble before - nothing too serious though. My problem would be going out with someone who thinks that assualt & a criminal history leading to 6 to 12 months jail time is - nothing too serious though.
Walk Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I wouldn't. It would show me that after dedicating 6 months of my life to a guy that he was not who I had fallen in love with. That I still had no clue who the real person was. Even if she does want to "stand by you"... the reality is it won't last long. Not having you there, being alone and having real live men who aren't in jail hitting on her, will wear away at her resolve to stick with you. What do you have to offer her once in jail? Is she going to go bragging to all her friends about where her bf is?? Will she be able to hold her head up high and proclaim to everyone how "proud" she is of you?? Or maybe you think she'll respect you more? She won't. She'll be ashamed to tell people. And it'll corrupt any "loving" feelings she may have had for you. My bf went to jail a long time ago for assault. I know if the same were to happen now, in this relationship, that I wouldn't wait. I've been dating him for 3 years, and I still wouldn't wait. I don't want to be with that type of person. Same for if I discovered he developed a drug habit since we'd been together. I'd want him to get help, but I wouldn't want to be his gf anymore. Maybe I just have high expectations, but I want my bf to be honorable. And that means no beating up people just because they called you a name or something. That means turning the other cheek so that he can stay out of jail and be a part of my life for as long as possible. That means placing your partner at a higher priority then simple impluses and knee jerk reactions. Just my take on it...
magichands Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 That means placing your partner at a higher priority then simple impluses and knee jerk reactions. Very true. Then again, where is Alpha when you need him? Badboys are all kinds of sexy. A little bit of time will really beef up your credibility.
Walk Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 p.s. Don't ask her to wait. Use the time to improve yourself. Tell her that you would love for her to keep in touch with you, but that you don't feel it's fair to keep her in a relationship while you're serving time. I've had uncles and cousins go to jail, and it changes a person. You won't be the same guy you went in as. You can't ask her to stick by you when you can't guarantee you'll be the same person you went in as... Besides... my uncle went in not reading past a 2nd grade level and all his teeth falling out, and came out with a GED and a full set of brand new teeth. If you work it right, you could improve yourself for free.
magichands Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Use the time to improve yourself. Free food. Free rent. Maybe there's a library. I'm not sure that you need much improving, though. Just keep an eye out for awesome badboy moves.
TYASAFAHICSI Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 So let me get this straight. You have invested 6 months into the relationship and now you are asking her to hang loose for an equal amount of time? Or more? I suppose you want her to be faithful to you too while you have a world of sex at your fingetips. ANd I am sure that when you come out you will have a squeaky clean STD test and be 100% reformed!
Sand&Water Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 RE: Matt999, Sticking by boyfriend in jail? No. She won't stand by you. Stop fooling yourself. You know, very well, a woman in her right-mind wouldn't continue such a skewed relationship. I've been told that I am probably looking at 6-12 months in jail. I don't think you truly understand what it means to go to jail. You aren't, in the slightest sense, aware of such a jail sentence -nor, most likely, the underlying issues at hand at which lead you to such an occurrence. You don't do jail time to enhance your video gaming skills, or catch-up on sleep, or simply view it as a source of entertainment. NO. It is not play time. NO. You are there to learn a lesson or two about civil conduct, mannerism, lawful participation, moral judgment, psychological growth, and personal understanding of the world. The list goes on and on. You are not one bit serious, about any of this -at least, in my opinion. Don't expect others to sympathize and support you in this journey. Learn to clean up your act. Actually, you should clean up your act before it is too late.All in all, love is much more scarce than you expected. This might very well cost you her love. Good Luck, Sand&Water
blind_otter Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Asking a woman to stay with you when you're in jail is a huge thing. With a relationship as short as yours, I don't think it would be fair to the woman, or to you. I agree with Walk. Use this time to improve yourself and don't ask her to wait for you. If she's still available when you get out, great. If not, you know you didn't hold her to a committment to someone who isn't there to support her when she has needs.
Author Matt999 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 I know it's not going to be easy and I can't really expect her to stick by me but I've been there for her when she neede me. I didn't tell her everything about my past because I didn't think it was important but it's come back to me now. I don't want to be a bad boy - I'm 23 and just made a mistake - it's not something I planned. I know it is not good being in jail but I don't believe all that stuff about getting raped - think that's too many movies. I can handle myself OK if I need to.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Learn from this experience and don't let whatever you did happen again. If you have a temper, or control issues, get pissed off easily and feel the need to assult someone, or do something stupid - STOP. Get into therapy when you get out of jail. Fix yourself. You're 23 years old, don't start your life off doing stupid crap that will ruin you, your reputation, make you lose friends and family and girlfriends. She has every right to decide what's best for her right now. I mean, was she in your thoughts when you chose assault? Did you think of the conquences? Don't mean to sound harsh, but deal with it. Yes you made a mistake, a big one that may cost you alot. All you can do now is be good in jail, keep out of trouble, (don't let ego get in the way) do all that is necessary to change your ways. IF she sees how hard you're trying to fix yourself, she may decide to give you another chance. The choice is yours.
magichands Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I suppose you want her to be faithful to you too while you have a world of sex at your fingetips. I think the rumours are greatly exaggerated. Most people have to use their own fingertips.
magichands Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 All you can do now is be good in jail, keep out of trouble, (don't let ego get in the way) do all that is necessary to change your ways. IF she sees how hard you're trying to fix yourself, she may decide to give you another chance. Neatly summed-up.
riobikini Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 re: Matt: " Just wondering how you would react if your b/f was in a similar situation and would you stand by them. I know that having her come and visit would be great but not sure if she will." You want truth, right? I'd end it. Knowing a person for only six months (btw, can we really call that "knowing" ?) isn't enough time to merit blowing six more waiting on someone who didn't disclose/expose enough truth about themselves to give you a better understanding of who you were dealing with to begin with. So there's no great shame available to saddle your girlfriend with for taking a walk from the short acquaintance she actually had with you. And, yes -it would be too much to ask her to come visit you. Have the decency to *not* burden someone else with your mistakes by sucking them into your *punishment*. And that's just what it is: punishment for some criminal behavior or act that you did. Don't ask *her* to pay, too. -Rio
TYASAFAHICSI Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I know it is not good being in jail but I don't believe all that stuff about getting raped - think that's too many movies. I can handle myself OK if I need to. OK Skippy--keep those good thoughts in mind and report back in 6 to 12 months. You may not be raped, but I would not expect this to be a walk in the park! This is not a weekend drunk tank confinement. This is real time. Is it a state prison or a local one? There is a heirarchy. Will be curious to know your experiences.
tinktronik Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 OK Skippy--keep those good thoughts in mind and report back in 6 to 12 months. You may not be raped, but I would not expect this to be a walk in the park! This is not a weekend drunk tank confinement. This is real time. Is it a state prison or a local one? There is a heirarchy. Will be curious to know your experiences.While I think you are correct in your assumation that this time will not be a walk in the park . Tyashafiyugi , I think you missed where he said he was going to jail and not prison.
Author Matt999 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Over here in Ireland there is no difference between jail and prison - it's all the one. If you get arrested you're kept in a police station until you are released/get bail. I know it's not going to be easy but I think all that stuff you see on movies is more to do with max security places which I wouldn't be going to and there isn't the same stuff about gangs etc. over here. I feel crap about what happened and the fact that I'm most likely going to jail but not everybody is perfect and people do make mistakes. As I said I'm hoping my gf sees it that way.
magichands Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I feel crap about what happened and the fact that I'm most likely going to jail but not everybody is perfect and people do make mistakes. As I said I'm hoping my gf sees it that way. Hopefully it won't come to the jail thing. Do you honestly (honestly!) think you have learned from this?
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 OK Skippy-- Nice...Where did ya steal that name from, huh? Over here in Ireland there is no difference between jail and prison - it's all the one. If you get arrested you're kept in a police station until you are released/get bail. I know it's not going to be easy but I think all that stuff you see on movies is more to do with max security places which I wouldn't be going to and there isn't the same stuff about gangs etc. over here. I feel crap about what happened and the fact that I'm most likely going to jail but not everybody is perfect and people do make mistakes. As I said I'm hoping my gf sees it that way. Good that you feel like crap about what happened. I hope that you learn from this experience and never put yourself in a situation that will get you arrested and in jail again. I am sorry that you have to go through this, I'm sure it will be scary and difficult. All you can do is tell her how much you care for her and that you hope that you two can continue together after you're out of jail. The decision is hers. Don't put expectations on her, like don't see other people or DO see other people...Just speak from your heart. Hopefully she likes you as much as you like her and she'll support you. Oh and depending on how old she is, and if she lives at home, her family may convince her NOT to see or speak to you. I don't know how old you both are. (if you mentioned age or not in your post, not sure).
blind_otter Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 feeling bad about what you did is one thing. Actually doing something to change yourself so that it never happens again is quite another.
Mezzi Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Hey Matt, if she really likes you she may wait on you. Even if she says she cant make any promises after you get out you can always call her and see if there is any chance of giving the relationship another shot. If you indeed have to go to jail, I hope it wont be an entirely bad experience for you as I also hope you will take time and reflect on your life. All the best.
Author Matt999 Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Nice...Where did ya steal that name from, huh? Good that you feel like crap about what happened. I hope that you learn from this experience and never put yourself in a situation that will get you arrested and in jail again. I am sorry that you have to go through this, I'm sure it will be scary and difficult. All you can do is tell her how much you care for her and that you hope that you two can continue together after you're out of jail. The decision is hers. Don't put expectations on her, like don't see other people or DO see other people...Just speak from your heart. Hopefully she likes you as much as you like her and she'll support you. Oh and depending on how old she is, and if she lives at home, her family may convince her NOT to see or speak to you. I don't know how old you both are. (if you mentioned age or not in your post, not sure). Yeah that's the problem - her family want her to split up with me. They think she can do better and I'm worried that if I'm not around they'll convince her to split up with me. I'm 23 and she's 21 and is just finishing college and comes from a 'good family' where having your bf in jail wouldn't go down too well. I'm really just hoping that she might somehow stay with me as she is special to me. Somebody asked what I'm doing about not gettting into trouble again - well I'm doing an anger management course that I hope will look good in court but I've always been a bit likely to do things before I think of the consequences.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Somebody asked what I'm doing about not gettting into trouble again - well I'm doing an anger management course that I hope will look good in court but I've always been a bit likely to do things before I think of the consequences. Don't just do it because it will look good in court...Gain something from going. LEARN how to control yourself, stop and think of the conquences before doing....If you can't do that, then you will lose your girlfriend and you'll end up back in jail at some point again. You've been given a chance here, as awful as your situation is, so run with it! Work hard on yourself and change.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 All you can do is see what happens. Your girlfriend has a choice and it's her choice to make. Don't pressure her. Tell her you love her and hope when you get out of jail you two can talk, sort things out. Don't expect her to come visit you in jail...If she is still living at home, then her parents WILL influence her to stay away from you.
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