I think he wants a divorce...or is he just angry?

[pinkpoodle]

I am new here and desperate. I could really use some insight and opinions from others. We live in a small town so I can't really talk to anyone or it will be all over town. I need to know if what I have done to my husband is bad enough for him to divorce me or if he is just so angry right now that he has given up and maybe there is hope later?

 

To sum things up, we have been married for 11yrs and have been through alot of stress (home burning down 1styr, both switched employment and went to making 1/4 of what we previously made, bankrupt 3rd yr, family issues, opened 4 business's, closed 3 and much more). We made it through all of it and thought that it brought us closer however I have always wanted to be the perfect wife to my husband and cook for him, keep the house immaculate, give him massages, basicly pamper him and be his best friend. He has never allowed me to do any of this although he says that he wants it, he says he just doesn't know how to accept that kind of attention since he didn't have it as a child. Well, 11yrs later, I can't take it anymore. I feel alone, we never do anything together and he is a workaholic and he is only at home long enough to sleep. (there has been almost no sex too). I am very open and honest and have been complaining about all of this for years, but it never changes.

 

So, a couple of months ago I started going out by myself and hanging out with people I had met when my husband and I did go out occasionally. I ended up hanging out with a male friend of both of ours. I thought it was safe because he was also a good friend of my husbands. After a couple of months he started telling me that he loved me, that I was his idea of a perfect wife, that if he had me, he would be the happiest man on earth etc. I blew it off. however, I enjoyed his company so much that I kept hanging out with him. Soon, I told him that I had the same feelings, but I couldn't do anything about it because I was married. I felt so guilty about telling him that, that I confessed to my husband 2 days later. It devastated him. However, the guy ran into some difficult times and my husband and I decided that he still needed a friend to stick by him through it, so we agreed I could still talk to him. It only made things worse so I quit.

Now, my husband can't get past the pain and we mutally agreed for him to go to a hotel for the last 2 weeks to take some space and get our heads on straight. We weren't getting anywhere, so I got a book that helps you self evaluate your personal goals, and your marriage and what you want to change. He got so mad by my answers that now he wants a divorce. I told him I just want him to come home that this hotel thing has just made things worse. Should I be preparing for divorce? if so, I need to move out in the next couple of days, we can't afford the hotel anymore. He is talking of closing our business down tommorrow! which means I have to move fast- I know that it will mean that all accounts will be frozen. I don't think that he is thinking rationally, which makes me wonder if I should even be with someone like this. But look what I did to him, isn't this a natural reaction on his part? Please give me some outsiders viewpoints on if you think this is taking things too far, if what I did is unforgivable? I feel horrible about what I did, but I never even kissed the guy so should this really end in divorce? Does anyone else think that there must be alot of underlying issues that are really leading him to his decision since things have never really been right since day 1? He tells me everyday for 11yrs how much he loves me so why would he leave so easily?

 

I would be grateful for any and all opinions, no matter how harsh they may be.

Thanks,

pinkpoodle

[MoonGirl]

PinkPoodle,

 

I think an answer from a male might help you to better understand what your H might be thinking, but I thought I'd give you my take on the situation.

 

What you did was obviously wrong (but no judgements from me - you should see the mess I am in!). Your H may be very hurt and that's why he doesn't want to work things out right now. But if he is so quick to leave and unwilling to work things out, then I would guess that your H is generally unhappy and that your admission to having feelings for another guy just gave him the excuse he needed to leave. I am no expert on men, so I am not really sure what to say. I guess you will have to prepare yourself for anything right now.

 

Keep in touch with us here. Most of us are in tough places right now and can relate to your confusion and pain.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I am very open and honest and have been complaining about all of this for years, but it never changes.

 

And this is the defining moment where most couples veer off course. It doesn't happen in an instant, rather it takes years to creep up on you in such a subtle way that neither of you even realize how ambivalent and complacent you have become until the inertia has swallowed you like quicksand.

 

At this point you have three choices:

 

1. Remain completely unmotivated to do a d*mn thing while your relationship withers and dies a slow death or until one of you does the following …

 

2. Make a reckless attempt to recapture all the abandon, freedom, drama and excitement of your bygone adolescent years by partying like a teenager or having an "exit affair" (which will amount to nothing in the end except adding more problems to the ones you already have).

 

OR

 

3. Stop "complaining" to your partner and instead make a serious and earnest request to take steps towards reconciling your relationship (through counseling) until no stone is left unturned and/or you decide amicably together (through an attorney) to end it.

 

Believe me; choice number three is the best course of action if you don't want to be left with any residual guilt, regrets or remorse. It gives you absolute closure in that you'll never look back wondering whether or not you tried hard enough ... or ... did the right thing.

 

In the end, you'll both be able to sleep better at night. Honestly.

[mum2three]

Concise and point by point taken... it's too bad that most of us here are the ones that want to leave no stone unturned except their WS who is dying to have a grand exit!!!