freakygal78 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 OK I must mention a couple of things which aren't really related but are circumstantial nonetheless. Today is my birthday and last night, I ended the r'ship with my SG (due to reasons other than ex-MM), we were simply just not compatible after a good attempt at a r'ship and he had a few life issues to sort out and so he moved out of my place last night. Fast forward to lunchtime today. I was crossing the street from where I work and bizarrely was thinking of a stupid nickname I had given ex-MM while I worked with him. OK mind you, I don't walk around 24/7 thinking of him - I have other things to occupy my time nowadays. I didn't walk another 10 steps and there he was across the street!!! He had seen me but I guess wasn't sure what to do / whether it was me. I removed my sunglasses and waved at him (reflex!) and he turned his head towards me and waved back attempting to cross the street to talk to me. I was going in his direction but he crossed the street I suppose because my side was less in view of our old work building (didn't think about this till afterwards). I told him 'hi' and couldn't help from grinning ear to ear. I was so happy to see him despite all - he didn't seem quite so tall anymore and didn't seem even so handsome as I had once thought. We exchanged niceties and I told him about my new job and he about his. I was bubbling over with enthusiasm and told him it was my Birthday but of course, I was glad to see him after so long and I'm sure this was obvious to him. I have to mention here that my legs and hands were shaking while talking to him and my knees turned to jelly and my heart was racing. I tried to keep the conversation and interaction light and positive and to hold my composure while I spoke with him. ex-MM and I never had a PA - it was an EA and I partly left my work over it as it became so problematic (see other posts). I guess what I want to ask is, should I now do what I have been tempted to since I left that workplace? I never got to say goodbye to him in person and tell him some things that I felt would have given me closure. His importance to me at the time, the intensity of the feelings, how he has effected me, how I expect to grow from this. I don't want to initiate coffee sessions or illicit lunches with him and neither do I think he would. Just guess I want to get some peace in my Self so I CAN really move on beyond him. He still haunts a part of me. I just thought if I can write in reference to bumping into him it wouldn't seem so crazy and out of the blue. Just wondering if emailing a paragraph is too much. Also it begs the question about whether he would write back at all - no doubt leaving me feeling like crap. I guess I have this existential attitude to this in that, if I don't do it (whatever the outcome), I may end up regretting it. I know I sound like a total sycophant but I am rather serious about this. Very tempted to write him tonight but don't want to make a really stupid mistake. Please help me with your opinions / suggestions - would be much appreciated.
PoshPrincess Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Hi FreakyGal! I'm in two minds re what you should do. Writing something down is always good therapy even if you never end up sending the letter! Saying that, I have done the writing, phone calls, texts, meeting, EVERYTHING, and I still don't really feel I had closure on the R with my MM and don't think I ever will. Maybe though that is because I know he still has feelings for me. I'm sure things would be different if he had finished it because he wanted to make things work with his W. I am now with a SG, or should I say I have a BF, and really am happy with him but MM is still in my head far more than he should be! I say do whatever it takes to make you feel better although I know what you mean about sending him the letter and no getting a reply. IME when this happens I just feel the need to contact MM again and then I get p***ed off with myself for appearing needy....it's a bit of a vicious circle. Last week, a day after a really good 'friendly' chat with ex-MM, I ended up texting him to tell him I still had feelings for him (I'd had too much to drink). Of course, the next day I regretted doing it and I KNOW that the only solution is NC whatsoever but I still can't make that complete break, especially knowing that he is not particularly happy. I always feel the need to know that he's ok. Confuses the hell outta me!!!!!
frannie Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 ... I never got to say goodbye to him in person and tell him some things that I felt would have given me closure. His importance to me at the time, the intensity of the feelings, how he has effected me, how I expect to grow from this. I don't want to initiate coffee sessions or illicit lunches with him and neither do I think he would. Just guess I want to get some peace in my Self so I CAN really move on beyond him. He still haunts a part of me. I just thought if I can write in reference to bumping into him it wouldn't seem so crazy and out of the blue. ... Happy Birthday! I'd be tempted to let sleeping dogs lie on this. Those things you mention are important to you, are how you feel now, and are still emotional for you and are going to sound that way. How long has it been since you two split... perhaps in time you'll wish you'd never sent it because your feelings about it will change again. Do you want something from him... to know he wasn't hurt? That he still thinks well of you..? As you say, he may not reply, or may not reply in the way that you 'want' him to... too many risks here. I know the impetus to do this is strong, but I'd examine all the reasons you want to send it, and whether or not getting something back is important to you. Because if it is... then you may be really disappointed and set back. Are you detached enough from it all for it not to matter what results..? It doesn't sound it. And the irony is, that when you are, you probably wouldn't ever send anything anyway. I don't think you could go TOO wrong if you send it, however. I don't think it's cut and dried... and maybe it will help. Just don't get sucked back into regular correspondence!
Art_Critic Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I ended the r'ship with my SG (due to reasons other than ex-MM), we were simply just not compatible after a good attempt at a r'ship and he had a few life issues to sort out and so he moved out of my place last night. Very tempted to write him tonight but don't want to make a really stupid mistake. Please help me with your opinions / suggestions - would be much appreciated. My guess is that you think your ExMM is compatible with you and has no issues if you are willing to try and contact him again ? The SG doesn't make it because he has issues ( which is the way is is supposed to be ) but the MM's issues and incompatibilities just get ignored.. The MM's red flags have not changed and he cannot be trusted to give you what you are looking for.. So I vote for NC
Author freakygal78 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 Hmm, art critic, you misunderstood and misinterpreted this I think. No, I do not think I am compatible with ex-MM (no-one is more painfully aware of his marital status than I) neither do I want to pursue a r'ship with just want to express what I never got to and perhaps get some peace in myself. The SG was an alcoholic so yes a big incompatibility with most people unless you are one yourself. It's about a process of self-improvement and healing I have started ironically by realizing other's aren't the panacea to my problems but indeed they do help us to learn a hell of a lot about ourselves. I still haven't decided whether to email him or not but have been toying with drafts etc. It's getting late *sigh* perhaps I should just leave it...
Art_Critic Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Hmm, art critic, you misunderstood and misinterpreted this I think. I don't believe I did.. I think I understood you... if you thought that he was truly incompatible and had issues that you thought were deal breakers you would not be thinking of contacting him.. Realizing that he was not for you would be all the closure you would need.. Don't contact him..
Author freakygal78 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 Fanx for the tuff luv art critic - I didn't email him. I composed an email and sent it to myself - then I re-read it and realised what a load of tripe it sounded like! Self-involved emotional tripe. You are right - I don't need to revisit that sad place anymore esp after making so much progress - thank you for giving me strength in this situation - i was so tempted to contact him again - I have moved on now - I should keep moving on - you can never go back! xoxo to you all - thank you!
puddleofmud Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Good for you, sweetie! I saw my EX about a month ago (he did not see me and we did not speak) and I felt some of the same feelings, but at the same time--it is wierd, isn't it? What I found profound about your post was that you mentioned that his physical appearance didn't seem the same. That's odd, because I had the same insight--he seemed shorter, not as handsome, nor as appealing, though some strong emotions were still hanging about... Where did the "knight in shining tin-foil" go? I think the tin-foil got wadded up and placed in the re-cycling bin, was picked up last Tuesday by the big ol' truck and dumped at the re-cycling center with all the other house-hold cast off JUNK.
Author freakygal78 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 POM, That made me laugh so hard! Hell hath no cynicism like a woman scorned! PMSL @ tin foil comment. Yes, time wears off some of the shine doesn't it? Once you don't have the reinforcement of seeing the 'perfect being' so often, they just seem more ordinary and not super human sex gods! I mean it takes A LOT to turn my knees to jelly when I am talking to someone, I can't lie and say I wasn't falling all over myself mentally but I DID notice he had developed subtle man-boobies in the months since I saw him last (he was usually ultra-trim) - a bit of xmas overindulgence? Man! I can't believe I was noticing that - and the rather pansy-like pastel peach colour of his shirt! See - there ARE some negatives in there! Having said those things now, I would be mortified if he read this by chance or whatever! Haha! MM - see them as mere mortals girls....
frannie Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I think if you go through life actually believing in knights on white chargers (or damsels in distress for that matter) then you're going to see them around you and project a lot of fantasy on them while you're building up an unrealistic picture. Of course it all looks different when the 'love' feelings have gone... everyone is just a person when it comes down to it. freakygal I'm glad you didn't send that message. 'Goodbye and thanks for all the fish' letters always sound emotional and self-involved (and usually somewhat accusatory even if it's in a vague sense)... no one likes to receive them, and most of them probably aren't even read. There's a reason it's over, and it's best not to revisit.
Author freakygal78 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 frannie, fanx! I am proud of myself because this week I have learnt the lesson of 'wisdom' learning from one's mistakes and knowing better when revisiting the situation. Sure it's not all that exciting - because I 'didn't do it'! but I would like to quote myself now and say 'sometimes things are better left a fantasy' and to add a rather tongue-in-cheek twist to it: 'than to find out he actually has man-boobies' I kill me! OK me being in better spirits and trying to be humorous = good! a break-up, a birthday and bumping into ex-MM in the street all in one week = a delerious freakygal!
puddleofmud Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Just had a long hot bath and am headed to beddy-bye but just couldn't forget about this post! HAPPY BIRTHDAY and a toast to your new wonderful life without Mr. Man Boobies!!!! So so funny, just think, no matter how much you think you want someone and work your patooty off to get over them--and then you meet them on the street and they have MB's--OK, I know that's mean. I gain weight too, but I don't grow a Penis. Ok, I know that's mean, too. It would be like a guy seeing an ex-GF and she had gotten a little pudgey--but she didn't get facial hair. Ok, I am just being eff'ing mean! So sorry, but this is about the most funny thing about getting over someone I have ever heard! Now I am imagining my Ex with MB's! And all I can do is laugh. I think about having sex with him and I interject the MB's and I just can't stop cracking up!!! Sorry, but it's working for me and whatever it takes I do!
Author freakygal78 Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Yes, if humour works POM, run with it! I remember all those times he talked to me whilst filing documents near his desk (that is where the files happened to be) and him putting his arms behind his head on casual Fridays when he was wearing his sexy black polo shirt and me absolutely drooling over his well-developed biceps and now all I can see in my head is a hypothetical 'intimate scene' where all I have to grab onto are his man-boobs! Hahahahaha! It's certainly a passion killer - the equivalent of baggy flannel pyjamas on women! Grrrrr....show us your man boobies NOT!
Author freakygal78 Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 OK three days later after contemplating it and deciding that it would be a bad idea to contact ex-MM I caved after a few wines and emailed him an edited version of my original draft email: It was nice to see you again the other day after such a long time. I felt bad that I could not say goodbye to you in person before I left work and had to send a rushed email. You look well. I hope you had a great xmas and new year. I am yet to find out about whether I have the position permanently at XYZ. Either way, I am happy to pursue my goals with the intention of going back to post-graduate studies in the near future. I have been getting right into some new music lately - kind of XYZ and of course XYZ (bought their 2 cds recently). You opened a whole world of great music to me For this I am grateful. I think I have learnt so much since last year about life and about why we do the things we do. For that I thank you. I think some things happen for a reason and although they may seem unpleasant at the time, as long as a lesson is learnt in the end, it hasn't been a loss. I am genuinely sorry if I ever caused you any trouble. You have made a great impression on me as a person and I am glad for it despite the problematic circumstances nonetheless. I don't wish to bother you but I would be glad if you were to email me back and tell me how you are doing. You are a person of great integrity and character and I respect you for that XYZ. Take care and I hope that life brings you much happiness and many more adventures! Halcyon days Pine the roadways Got to let you know And I walk the way the wind blows Softly in clouds of envy I see those eyes Fireflies in time - alpha, firefly. I know I shouldn't have done it but I did. I guess I just had to.....I know i'm a self-indulgent idiot but it would have come up so many times in the future and I WOULD have regretted it. Tell me I'm a fool, I don't care but I had to.... I'm yet to hear back from him tommorrow if I do at all but I will update you all if I do or don't. Till then, I am more than happy for you all to abuse me or tell me how stoopid I am. Some things you just can't live with till you know....or just don't hear back from......OK I'm a w@#$er!
frannie Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 LOL Well I think you should have thought about why you were sending it before you did the inevitable..? (( hug )) I am sure he'll enjoy the metaphorical pat on the back about his integrity and so on... had to laugh about hoping he has many more adventures... did you mean it to sound like that..? I think the only thing you can really do now is laugh about it and learn from it and move on... ... we all do dozy things now and then! But it seems like you were (still are) hoping for something more back from him, as I suggested in my first reply to you. I think you need to ask yourself what that is and why you want it... and then see if you can deal with that in some way...
Art_Critic Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 You aren't stupid.. you are someone hurting and someone that acts human from being hurt and in love.. You also haven't done anything that we all have done at one time or another..I myself have written a letter like yours before.. After I did and I look back I wondered why I pumped her up so much.. my Exgf wasn't worth all the good words I poured into my letter and she certainly didn't deserve them, She really only deserved silence as she turned out to be trash that hurt me.. much on purpose.. much as your MM didn't deserve to be pumped up for what he did to you. Learn from the letter.. use it as a springboard to place the hurt and move on.. and try not to send anymore.. these type of letters as only an ego boost for those that hurt us.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 You sent that with intent of goodbye, getting closure, not to try to woo him back.... AC is right, and don't send anymore. Do letters, but rip them up or delete them after.
Author freakygal78 Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 Thank you all for making me cry and laugh in the space of 5 minutes! I woke up thinking 'you silly twat freakygal!' not to mention with a slightly fluffy head from the wine! I still don't regret it - just am painfully aware that in a bit over an hour he'll be reading it and may dismiss it as a bit of fluff. I know it will all serve to boost his 'greying' ego *sigh* He might panic and click delete as soon as he sees my name. I am hoping he at least reads it first. To answer your questions Frannie, the 'adventures' I refer to are travels he had recently starting going on with his family. As for for 'integrity' it might sound ironic but he never took our r'ship to a PA and I guess that counts for something. You guys are gems ((hugs)) - thank you for your honesty and for reminding me I am human after all. I realise now just how much hurt I have been carrying around after him. lol @ AC's description of his ex - 'trash' - it reminded me of the Bloodhound Gang song 'No Hard Feelings' - you should look up the lyrics! lol. Now I am going to suck it up, smile and march into work today not dwelling on it....after I take two aspirin....lol....
Author freakygal78 Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 Wonder of wonders after resigning myself to not hearing back from him, I received an reply to my email when I got back from work last night. He had waited till everyone had gone home around 4 and responded. It was at least courteous of him or else I would have felt like crap! Much as I had imagined, it was very factual - not even acknowledging my words more like just giving me a run down on where he's at work wise and also a few things about working someone where you enjoy because time is so valuable and there is so much to see and do i.e. travel etc. Yay! It may as well have been an email from a brother but all the same it was good of him to reply. I guess he didn't want to encourage me and rightly so. I guess he gathered it was a closure email in a lot of ways so I guess I will not write back now unless I want to look like a sycophant. It would be good to drop a line every so often when big things happen in life to exchange these but I think the rather sober responses in turn would only dishearten me rather than make me happy - I did it and found out 'what happened' This time curiosity didn't kill the cat but maybe just left her smarting somewhat...
frannie Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Wonder of wonders after resigning myself to not hearing back from him, I received an reply to my email when I got back from work last night. He had waited till everyone had gone home around 4 and responded. It was at least courteous of him or else I would have felt like crap! Much as I had imagined, it was very factual - not even acknowledging my words more like just giving me a run down on where he's at work wise and also a few things about working someone where you enjoy because time is so valuable and there is so much to see and do i.e. travel etc. Yay! It may as well have been an email from a brother but all the same it was good of him to reply. I guess he didn't want to encourage me and rightly so. I guess he gathered it was a closure email in a lot of ways so I guess I will not write back now unless I want to look like a sycophant. It would be good to drop a line every so often when big things happen in life to exchange these but I think the rather sober responses in turn would only dishearten me rather than make me happy - I did it and found out 'what happened' This time curiosity didn't kill the cat but maybe just left her smarting somewhat... From what you write here it does sound like you were/are looking for something other than 'just closure'. You sound disappointed he didn't talk about feelings (or your words, as you put it)... and you're 'smarting' from not getting whatever it is you were looking for. It was too sober for you, disheartening, not encouraging, not 'making you happy'. I still think you should ask yourself what it is you want from him, because it sounds like something of a dangerous situation. You're looking for something from him that would 'make you happy'... I thought you'd write to him, and I said on page one here... don't get drawn back into regular correspondence. You're talking about sharing news and things with him... and that's not about closure, but about continuing what you had, even if it's in a small way. If it were me I'd really examine what's going on here. And try to distract myself with other new projects and activities... because you're in a little danger of going backwards (jmho).
Author freakygal78 Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 yeah you're right frannie - I guess what I was looking for was a condescending response to the effect of 'yes, I'm glad you've realised and moved on'. I really did not want to have him to respond to me in a lovey dovey manner was not expected - just wanted to perhaps think i could be friends *sigh* guess that's a stoopid idea...we never had a PA btw Frannie so I guess I don't perceive any danger as you might - next time I see him in the street, IF i do, I'm tempted to do as Dionne Warwick sang and 'walk on by'.
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