AugustHeart Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I would like to know if anyone has been in this situation and what did they do. I am a mother of a 18mos old son. I got pregnant on accident but love him very much. The father after 7mos. of pregnancy quit calling-he lived 2 hours away, we were together for a year and I was willing to work things out for the baby. He emailed me during my 8th mos of pregnancy and said that he wanted to be friends forever and wanted to be in his sons life but was not ready for marriage or a relationship. He never contacted me again until 3 days before I had my son. He was there when my son was born but was in a rush to get home I knew then that he had someone else. Three mos. after I had my son he got the other girl pregnant and married her. All I want is my son so I changed my number, I have never filed for child support, he started emailing me and his mother started writing my letters wanting to know why I changed my number. This story is so long I am leaving everything else out. The dad has never paid regular child support and says that he has a family too, that he needs to take of and neglects my son. I guess his whole family has forgotten about my son the saying out of sight out of mind. I don't want to have anything to do with him or his family but he won't leave us alone. I feel bad for it but I will never call, email or send pictures of my son to him or his family. When I do talk about child support he says that he wants part custody of my son but when I don't mention it he don't ask to see him. He has only seen my son 4 times in his life. I was wanting to know if anyone can tell me what direction to take. When I am more financially stable I would like to move, change my number and never talk to him or his family again. I've been praying but this stresses me out so bad. The dad cries sometimes when he calls and makes me feel even worse. He lives 4 states away, and blames me for him not being able to see him but he never cared when we did live in the same state. The dad wanted me and my son to live off of welfare because he didn't want to help me pay for dr appointments while I was pregnant so I moved after I had my son because I was offered a better job/medical benefits in the state I live in now. I want to see what someone says. My friends and family would like to have his head on a platter. I recently seen his my space page and it says that he is single and loves kids but does not want any and he last logged on in December of 2006. Did anyone have a problem like this :(and what did they do?
Ironman75 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Ok for starter he's a jerk. And for your side of the story sounds like he's a terrible father as well. At least to the child you share together. I will say this he is the only father your son will ever have. Yes you can meet someone and he could raise your son to be a wonderful man. But still not his dad. I would leave the door open for him and his family to be apart of your son's life if there willing to do what they need to do for your son. Your son needs all the love he can receive for all who want to love him. Right now you have to put your hurt and anger aside. And think of whats really best for your son. Remember your not just hurting the dad your hurting the little guy you love more than yourself. Don't ever let him be able to tell your son that you kept him away it could come back on you trust me. Give him your son the chance to know his dad for what he is. If he doesn't want to be there at least your son knows that was my dad's choice not my mom's. It's hard to put anger aside but it's for the best. Give it a try is all I'm saying. This is assuming he's a nice guy other than his lack of being a man and not raising his son. Non-abusive and really wants to care for your son. Oh and get your child support or make him sign over his rights to the child.
bluechocolate Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 The most prudent thing to do right now would be to get some legal advice as to each parties rights & obligations in this matter. At least then you can move on from a position of knowledge.
Author AugustHeart Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 The only reason I, gave my sons, father, my number was all for financial reasons, even though I only get child support at least every other month. It's money. When the dad does call he talks about his life and what he's doing at his job. He wants to know things about me and my son. I hate being in the gray I wish it was just black and white. He only calls once a month so I don't have to talk to him to much. He does seem like a good person but all the stuff I went through when I was pregnant, hurt me so bad. When people meet him they can't believe that he could ever be that way but he is. I also know a lot more about him than most. We were at one time good friends now, I wish he would just quit calling and his mom. She's always knows what's going on, and has her opinions. She wants me to meet his wife and their daughter. I don't want to even see them. The dad don't even know my son, so why would I want to meet them. This really bothers me and it's all I think of. I do worry about my son when he grows up, but I was raised also by a single mother and I think she did a pretty good job. My dad also left my mom for another woman and never acknowledged us. I don't know if this affects how I think now. Sorry I left a lot out. It is a long story I would have to write a novel.
NoIDidn't Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Why don't you want to meet his W and their daughter? Part of moving on is acceptance. You have to come to a place of acceptance that the past cannot be changed. That, and she has the key to your child support, believe it or not. If she is a decent woman and sees that you are too, she will get to work on her H on your behalf to make sure that ALL of his children are taken care of. You sound really angry and hurt. If part of your medical benefits includes mental health services (not saying you have a mental problem at all, that's just where counselling services usually fall under), see if you can get a appointment with a therapist. If you have an Employee Assistance Plan, they get you 5 to 10 free sessions a year PER issue. Your son deserves to have a happy mom too. Not just an involved dad. Send the pictures to his family. These things are key to getting the monetary support that you need. They need a connection to your son to feel that he is real and that he needs their help being taken care of. You may just be shooting yourself in the foot in many ways in this sitch, and it will all hurt you and your son's welfare in the long run. And also check with a legal representative in your state as far as court-ordered child support goes, that is your child's due whether or not his father thinks he can afford it. I hope this sitch gets better for you.
Author AugustHeart Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 I know I sound childish but with his wife she has two other children one is with one dad and the other is with her and him. when I was pregnant, he was taking care of the child with her (this baby is 1 year older than my son). I would get mad because he never had money or always had a problem with helping me out. I later found out about the other kids, she has. When I did find out I assumed she had him and he was taking care of her and her other child not his. I recently found out about the new baby he and her have together. I feel like a maury povich guest when tell my story. I am angry but try to keep my head up. If I listened to all my loyal friends I would have taken him to court but I know later when I am more financially able I will not have to worry about money issues and will probably move and change my number.
Ironman75 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Listen you need to let go of all your anger. Maybe counseling is a good idea. You can't keep all this hate inside of you. It will just produce more hate. I'm telling you, you will regret keeping your son fatherless. No matter what happened between you and him it has nothing to do with what kind of father he can become to your son. And thats great you had a very good mom who raised you alone. But you know you wish you had a dad around to turn to from time to time. Don't do this to your son. Be the bigger person and I know it will be hard. But you can do it. Because you love your son and want to give the best chance to succeed in life. Right!!! Dad's are so much more than just a check. So many women make this mistake. Saying f**k the dad. Don't do that to your son. And why be mad at his wife? What did she do. NoIDidn't gave you some ver good advice. She can help you. Like I said your feeling have been hurt very bad I can tell but don't let it consume you. Move on. I hope you listen and at least really try for the betterment of your child.
Author AugustHeart Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 The thing with his wife is that the dad is not allowed to come down and see our son unless he has his brother with him. He has only come down once to see him with his brother the other times I was the one who flew down and rented a car for all of them to see him. He never offered to help with the cost. When he was down all he wanted to talk about was the military, we know the same people. I am out of the military and he is still in. She doesn't trust him either. Last, october he began calling me every other day, I don't know why. When she found out about this she called me early around 3 am to see what was going on. I told her I never call he calls me, that she needs to ask him. She waited for him to go to work, called me and said that we didn't need to talk only about my son. There is a 2hour time difference, so I was surprised to get a call that early. There is alot of things going on between them financially(credit card debt), I think he only wants to keep contact to see if I have filed for child support. I know all these things because of his mom. Last time I visited he was not going to come down made an excuse that his car was not running good and he could not get out of work. So I accepted but he came down anyway, he said he didn't care what people said that he wanted to see his son. I could tell that he was in a rush when he saw him. I think he has to make decisions also, I can tell he there's something wrong, now he wants to visit our son here, but said that he didn't know if he could afford to get a hotel, and he could watch our son so I won't have to pay childcare when I am at work. I really don't want him staying with us. Unless his brother is with him. For right now, everything is based on money. There is alot going on. I am just so sick of it. It's to much drama, never wanted this life for my kids. I wish it was just stable. I do accept the wife it's that I don't think she likes the fact that he has a son by me. She gives him all these ultimatums when it comes to us seeing each other. (having brother there only calling once or twice a month.) I don't know about his mother she's nice, but my family hates him and would like to see him go away.
Ironman75 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Ok now were getting some where. I don't like when a man let's a women come between him and his kids. I've left a couple that tried to do that crap quick. My babies will always come first. Now I'm beginning to see your point's. But I still believe that it's still better for him to be there for your son. Not him living with you. That will definitely cause problems. But hey if he can't give you money now then let him help you where you can maybe save some money. One thing you said he's still in the military. If so why no money. I think that he has issue with real life pressure. Him and his wife must be having problems for him to want to live with you, don't fall for that. Stay strong brother or not. Hey at least his mom is nice right? It seems you are seeing whats going on and that's good. Keep your head up and take care of your little man. It will be hard at times but you can do it. The best thing I can tell you is one day at a time. Let him be a father to his son so if he messes up then you know you did everything you could for your son. Other than that don't bend make him take responsibility for his baby. Good luck to you and your family I know you will be fine.
puddleofmud Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 In the court system Child Support and Visitation have nothing to do with the other. The non-custodial parent must pay child support, PERIOD. That is a federal law which superceeds any state law--state law is only about how that is handled. If you are not receiving consistent child support than your state department of social services may intervene at your request. State DSS is over-loaded so that may take awhile--but what you need, however you can get it is for child support to be ordered through your local court. Should you not be able to hire a private attorney, then DSS is REQUIRED by federal law to do it for you. That way if it is not paid, the local court has jurisdiction and authority to do what is necessary--as in issue a bench warrant for payment to the COURT for non-paid child support. This doesn't usually take too long--a mere 10 day delinquent non-payment may be cause to issue a warrant. Once the warrant is served; a hearing is commanded and a judge will issue (even if the person does not show in court) what will be done. Judges are not sympathatic! They will normally issue garnishment of wages to the court, then the court will issue to you child support. It is a federal law that if child support goes unpaid, through federal jurisdiction, wages and/ or tax refunds may be garnished to pay child support. As for child visitation--a parent is rarely EVER denied a right to visitation. Unless the visiting parent is PROVEN drug addicted, mentally ill or violent, then the parent has a right to visitation-even then visitation could be allowed if properly supervised. Non-payment of child support is not considered as to visitation. One should have no fear about going foward with child support--because frankly, any non-custodial parent must pay child support and this has NO bearing regarding visitation. Visitation is SEPARATE right in and of itself. Even a non-constodial parent in thousand of dollars arrears of child support will not be denied the right to visitation. This is due to the legality of a CHILD's right to know the parent and not vice versa. In short, unless the parent signs an agreement of "disolution of parental rights" than both child support and visitation cannot be legally denied.
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