whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Now she's out of college, misses me, says she loves me, is ready for commitment, and wants me back. But is it only because I found someone else? That's the million dollar question. Watch for her actions, not only her words...People don't just change all of a sudden. Her timing is questionable? Think back to when you two got intouch. When was that? Did she find out about K on her own or did you tell her first? and Is there anything else that is stopping you from going back to her? Uhhh, yeah, K! His feelings for K, S&W! lol
MoonGirl Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I agree with storyrider here. T is probably too young and immature to handle a serious relationship and will likely break your heart. The problem is, as I stated in my previous post, you will likely always think of T and wonder what could have been if you don't give her another try. Until you're able to completely let go of T (possibly by her breaking your heart), you probably won't be able to truly love anyone else. The comment T made to you about you not letting her step all over you shows her immaturity. A mature woman would be able to accept a doting and loving partner without having any such thoughts. You certainly shouldn't have to play games to keep a woman (like pretending you like her less than you really do). K is obviously much more mature than T based on what you've written. Yet I still think that you are not ready to love her with all your heart. If you do choose K, you'll certainly have to tell T that she is NEVER welcome in your life again. All emails, calls, ANY form of communication will have to stop FOREVER. This is only fair to K. If you need the reason for this, please read the following article: http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20060623-000003.xml Once I had contact with my ex again, the deep emotions reappeared immediately. Don't think it couldn't happen to you too 3, 10, 15 years down the road when you have a wife and kids and an older, much more mature T (who is now willing to accept your love) emails or calls you. The ramifications are serious and shouldn't be taken lightly. Good luck!
sb129 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 But, she enjoyed herself. She came back. Yeah she had her cake and now shes back for more. Are you willing to give her a second chance? and Is there anything else that is stopping you from going back to her ?The thought of hurting K is stopping him going back to her. Your heart seems to be taken more with T, the passion and sexual desire...That is powerful, yet (as we've all had loves that are wonderful in the bedroom, just the rest of the relationship doesn't cut it) dangerous at the same time. With K, she's more stable, long lasting love... Question is, are you the type of man who needs to feel that passion more or be happy with someone who will love, support and be there for you long term.... IMO, passionate love fizzles out quicker than the embers of stable supporting love. I agree with all of moongirls post too, its right on the money.
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 IMO, passionate love fizzles out quicker than the embers of stable supporting love. This is true, and that is what he has with T. Passionate. Problem too with that is, when the passion slows down, what is the rest of the relationship like? Scary...
sb129 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Oh I have to go to bed, will never get up in the morning! But let us know how you go Crazygator. Be strong.
Author crazygator Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Thank you all! THIS is the kind of response I was hoping for. Not that you'd want any of my help given the mess I've gotten myself into, but if I can help in any way, don't hesitate to let me know!
NearlyThere Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Especially from me. I'm the village arsehole. I mean, idiot. Idiot. Where's the backspace key on this keyboard??!! ^H^H^H^H Whatever. lol, your toooo funny, post on this board more often, we need more humour deflection.
stace79 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 A few thoughts: 1. Do you honestly have feelings of love for both women? I am afraid you may just be petrified of being alone with no one. I can't imagine what you are feeling for T is actually love, because it doesn't at all seem like it was a healthy relationship, but more you just chasing her and her resisting the whole time. With K, are you sure you don't just love her as a friend? Maybe you are just afraid that she will leave you permanently if you tell her this. 2. Has T made any effort to show you her feelings? It seems to me a lot of lip service being played here. You mentioned her moving to be closer to you. Is that even an option? She seems very immature. 3. I don't know of any way you could "figure out" if you could love K as much as T without trying. No one has a crystal ball. 3. It looks to me as if T does to you what you do to K. She is dragging you along on a string, and K is being dragged along by your string. If I were K, I'd have moved on a long time ago, or perhaps, if I had known of the full situation, never attempted a relationship at all. She is either very stupid and gullible or very much in love with you, no offense. 4. IF you chose either woman, I would be very cautious. Don't abuse the feelings you think K has for you, and don't take T's words at face value. In my opinion, I feel T is just staking her claim rather than expressing honest feelings. Love doesn't suffer from stipulations like "Don't overdo it." Really, you just have to make a choice with the information you have and then trust that things will work out. Fear can be paralyzing, but making your own choice and living your life is liberating. I am afraid that you realize one of these women will likely not be in your life at all following your choice...I can't imagine either would be happy with you maintaining contact with the other. Sadly, I see K being more open with that than T...T seems awfully demanding of you. I feel the most for K, but also appreciate that you want to move forward. Good luck. I think the part of this that was lost in translation is the following: While I would not say I am presently in love with K, there HAVE BEEN times when I feel like I might be falling for her. The question I'm asking myself is - Could my feelings for K grow to what they are for T? I've only known K for 9 months, while T I've known for 5 years. If the answer to that question is YES, then K is probably the right choice in my humble opinion, as there are few if any other questions, issues, or doubts with her. I do love T, but she said something as recently as last night that really got under my skin. I asked her last night how, if we were to date again, I could be sure her treatment of me would remain at a high level after we pass the initial honeymoon phase. Her answer? "Don't let me walk all over you. Treat me with respect, still do nice things for me, but don't overdo it." The fact that she tells me this openly does not sit well at all with me. At this part of the decision making process, I think K has the early advantage.
Salicious Crumb Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 <<Am I missing something here? You are dating 2 women at once, and thats not cheating? The only way that wouldn't be cheating if both women were ok with it>> I'm not now and never was dating both of them at the same time. T and I have been broken up since 9/05. I have been dating K since September but recently admitted still having feelings for T. I told K I needed time to sort things out, and she has granted me that. Ok...so I was missing something there...thanks for the clarification. Well bud..you are in a tough spot, but you have to make up your mind. Its not fair to either of them....but before you make up your mind, make sure the one you choose wants to be with you.
sb129 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Ok you are probably going to get angry about this, but bear in mind its about affairs with married men. But its worth a read ok? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=109242&page=5 [COLOR=black]"After reading what some folks are satisfied with in regards to 'quality time' and acceptable relationship standards … I have come to realize I am one picky, selfish, high-maintenance b*tch! [/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]You know … even if you removed the "married" part for me, I could not even see myself wanting to invest so much of myself into a single guy who only took one hour a week; or one day out of his year to spend some real time with me. [/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Even if he were completely honest and upfront about dating other gals (or maybe just one other gal) I might be able to respect that decision and go along with it so long as he had the quality of character and integrity to let the other gal (and/or gals) know what the score was, too. However, while I might agree to hang out with him casually a few times, I certainly wouldn't crawl into bed with him not knowing if I were swapping bodily fluids with another woman/women who may not be so careful about her personal hygiene as I was. Eeeww! [/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]So … I guess to add to my big list of personal faults, I'm a BIG germophobic too! [/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Now, let's say this guy (who I knew was seeing another woman) told me he liked me best. He was always complaining about the other gal he was dating … whining about how he wanted to break it off with her but couldn't find the nads to do it. Suddenly: at least to me, Mr. Studly Do-Right looks like weak little Wussy Boy. Instead of admiring him, I'd probably end up pitying him. While sympathy might inspire the female nurturer in me, and I might feel inclined to give him some sisterly advice, I certainly wouldn't feel the urge to rip his clothes off and boost his self esteem with a little Pity Sex. [/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Not[/COLOR][COLOR=black] unless he left a hundred bucks on the nightstand for the therapy session. [/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]And if Mr. "I-Like-You-Best" proved it by spending the majority of his time with the other girl, and only making time to see me when he could fit it into their hectic schedules … I'd have to wonder just how sincere he was about those sentiments.(???) I'd also have to go and have my head checked to discover the reasons behind why I would knowing and willingly accept this kind of second-class treatment.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Maybe I just have WAY too much pride for my own good. But there is no way in H*ll I would ever allow a man to pit me against another female for the booby prize of his time and attention. I'm just not desperate or competitive enough for those silly games. Or maybe I'm just so full of myself that I don't believe that I should ever have to compete against my fellow female. And perhaps just a little naïve and idealistic in my beliefs that other women (and men) shouldn't have to either…"[/COLOR]
Guest Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Mark, You seem like a really nice guy. I guess my question is what is the hurry? Do you need to make a decison right now? The only option you have is to walk away for awhile and see how you feel without either one of them. You may shocked to see how you feel when you are completely away from the situation. I they may shocked as well. Love is complicated and not also a happily ever after. No matter what happens someone will get hurt but they will survive. Time will heal. Don't be so hard on yourself and don't hold yourself responsible for these girls lives. It takes two or sometime three to tango Hang in there
stace79 Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 My guess is if he doesn't make a decision, one or both girls will move on. If he doesn't mind the risk of losing both of them, I guess he could wait. The longer he takes, the higher the chance they will meet someone else and move on. Mark, You seem like a really nice guy. I guess my question is what is the hurry? Do you need to make a decison right now? The only option you have is to walk away for awhile and see how you feel without either one of them. You may shocked to see how you feel when you are completely away from the situation. I they may shocked as well. Love is complicated and not also a happily ever after. No matter what happens someone will get hurt but they will survive. Time will heal. Don't be so hard on yourself and don't hold yourself responsible for these girls lives. It takes two or sometime three to tango Hang in there
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