Torn Between 2 and Agonizing

[crazygator]

Hello everyone, and thanks for reading my post. My name's Marc, and I'm a 29 year old male from Orlando. I am in the midst of the most agonizing decision of my life, and while I'm not looking for any one to make my decision for me, any helpful advice or direction would be SO greatrly appreciated.

 

I am torn between two great women, and I feel like the decision I make here could determine how the next 10,20,30, or 40 years of my life play out. There's a decent chance I could end up marrying the one I choose, so you can understand the stress involved here.

 

I did not want to be in this situation, nor have I cheated on anyone. I don't believe in cheating, and both women know about one another. I'm terrified of losing one of them, as both are among the most cherished people in my life. As such, I've found myself telling both of them "things they want to hear," from time to time, and I'm not proud of that. I don't want to be in this position any more, and I want to find clarity.

 

The problem is I just keep going back and forth - a couple days I'm leaning toward one, the next two days the other. Many people have said I'm in an envious position, but I totally disagree. While I feel there are two great choices, I'm losing sleep, being unproductive at work, and am literally getting sick over this.

 

I guess now I'll give you a brief synopsis of how I got where I am and my feelings for each girl.

 

Girl # 1, we'll call T, I met 5 years ago at a New Year's party. When we met, I was blown away by her. Just amazingly bright and beautiful. We spent time that night talking and flirting, not knowing one another's age. She looked older to me, and I know I've always looked young for my age. To my surprise, I found out later that evening that T was only on the verge of becoming 18, with my age at the time 24. I was happy we didn't physically hook up, and decided the age difference was too much to consider dating her, not to mention the fact it was illegal. I said we could be friends but that was it.

 

At the time I was attending college, and she and I maintained a friendship online. I couldn't get over how mature T was for her age, how beautiful she was, and how intelligent she was - and also how much I looked forward to chatting with her. In a few months time she decided to begin attending my college (not because of me.) I was seeing someone else at school (open relationship), but when T arrived, I just had this urge to see her as much as I could. I ended up ceasing the other relationship. I came to the conclusion that since T was now of age and attending my very school and living down the street, why should an age number get in the way of our passion?

 

We went on to date, and I was totally smitten. This was my dream girl - prettiest girl I'd ever seen, super smart, great personality, and our connection was top notch. Alas, after her first two years I had finished my graduate degree and had to move. She wasn't sure about a commitment, and wanted to enjoy her remaining college years while all I wanted was her.

 

I moved here to Orlando, and continued seeing her in an open relationship. I tried to date others here, but never really allowed my heart to give any one a chance, and the girls I dated here new that and thus ran off pretty fast. Things with T started not going as well, the intimacy faded into practically nothing, and she was in full college part mode, while I as a 27-28 year old male was past that point and stayed up worrying about what she was doing at 2am on Friday night.

 

T broke up with me in 9/05 because she said what she was doing to me wasn't fair, that she cared for me and didn't want to hurt me any more, but that she just didn't feel she wanted a commitment, and since I did that was pushing her away from me in every way possible - intimacy, love, etc.

 

I accepted this, took a break from women for a while, maintained friends with T, still talked sweetly to her over the phone and she did with me, but were not officially together.

 

Then in April '06 I met woman # 2, we'll call K. While I was initially put off by her lack of fitness, I was struck by her cute face, her intelligence, and the connection we had. I felt an attraction to her. We began to hang out, and really enjoyed one another's company. I held back intimacy with her for quite some time, still knowing the feelings I had for T. K is more in my age range at 28, has a good job, and is ready to settle down.

 

In late May, early June, K let it be known that she was interested in dating me seriously. I told her I just wanted to get to her as friends still, even if my behavior around her said otherwise. She rightfully wasn't cool with this. I also noticed she started making a real effort with her fitness, hiring a personal trainer - and she said she did this not for me, but because it was something she had long wanted for herself. This impressed me even more.

 

Then in early July, I went to go visit girl # 1, T, to provide closure on our relationship. Here, I thought, I'd find out where she stands once and for all. If she still was not wanting a commitment, I'd seriously start considering K seriously.

 

Just like I predicted, T told me she did not feel the same, just wanted to be friends, and did not want a commitment. I cried but accepted this, and came back to Orlando with a clear vision that I would start seriously considering K.

 

K and I started becoming intimate in August. Our connection grew. One day T called when I was hanging out with K, and when T found out I had company she sounded really hurt. That continued over the next month, when T begged to come visit me.

 

I gave in, and allowed T to come visit me in September. At this point I had my mind pretty much made up to give K a shot, but still foolishly let T visit for some reason. As you might imagine, this didn't go over well with K.

 

On T's visit, she told me how she wanted to be with me now, how she never knew what she had until it was gone, how everything in life happens for a reason and it took her a while to realize it but now that she was done with school and graduated and knew she wanted a serious relationship and wanted it to be with me. This 2 months after she didn't want me in July.

 

After the visit with T, I still decided that I wanted to give K a shot due to the fact that I felt like K and I were a true team, she wanted a commitment, and the fact that she showed me a lot more affection.

 

I dated K from September through the recent holidays, but T continued to tug at my heart strings. She'd call and say she missed me, that she still loves me, and asked what she could do to give herself another chance.

 

I realized I still had feelings of love for T, and in just recently told both girls I needed time off to sort things out. Of course, the "time off" has still seen me talking to both of them, which isn't right. I'd like to see them each one more time, then break off communication with both for a week or two and come to a conclusion.

 

I am so lost and have no idea what to do. I feel like I can't see the forest through the trees right now. As you might imagine, both girls are not happy with the situation, and neither am I.

 

Everyone always says follow your heart, right? If I do that, I'd go back to T, as she's the girl I have the 5 year history with and has always been my "dream girl." Unfortunately I can't be that foolish because blindly following my heart in this instance could lead me off a cliff!

 

T is 22 now, and lives in Bradenton. While the above paragraph is true, how do I know she'll love me as much tomorrow as she says she does today? Is this just her wanting me back or is it true love? How do I know she'll make an effort to move to be closer to me or even be willing to compromise? The intimacy had fallen to nothing 2 years ago, how do I know that wouldn't happen again? She says she's past the party phase and wants a serious relationship with me, but can I trust this?

 

On the other hand, we have K, who's done absolutely nothing wrong, has been a doll, an angel, and has really been put through the ringer which I feel awful about. While I don't feel I'm presently "in love" with her, couldn't some of that be due to the fact my ex is still in the picture? Could my love for her grow to what it is for T? I don't expect the 9 months of feelings for K to be able to compete with the 5 years of feelings for T, and I don't feel I should hold K to T's standard.

 

K loves me, she's a sweetheart, she'll do anything for me at any time. She loves sports (I'm a sports radio host), will watch them with me, is a wonderful person, and I know I'd have a good life with her. I also know I might not ever date any one else in my life if I choose her, which can be scary.

 

So which direction do you see me pointed in? T, the dream girl, the love, the butterflies, but lots of doubt, or K, the great girl that loves me, but with whom my feelings are not all the way where hers are yet? My sister, age 23, feels like the right choice just might be neither - saying that each girl provides things the other does not.

 

I hope to reach a decision by the end of the month (Jan '07).

 

Any advice, guidance, direction you can provide me would be SO valued and appreciated. If you've actually read through this whole novel and didn't have it put you to sleep, I consider you a friend. Thanks a million. I just found this site tonight, and it's EXACTLY what the doctor ordered.

 

Sincerely,

Marc

[NoIDidn't]

Marc,

 

I won't even lie to you and say that I read the entire post, because it was just too long and I've got to get a move on.

 

But this is the simplest advice I can give you: stop seeing both of them while you search your heart for clarity. No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no nothing. Let them know so that they won't be offended or feel like you are lying to them. And then take it from there.

 

I, however, am of the opinion that neither is right for you if you so easily go between the two. A woman that truly enraptures you, leaves no room for thoughts of another (at least not for 3 to 5 years, anyway LOL!!!)

 

Good luck, man. At 29, you must be QUITE the catch.

[whichwayisup]

I read it all and man, Marc, I don't envy you at all. It has to hurt knowing someone is going to get hurt by your decision - But it has to happen...Otherwise you're gonna go insane and lead on two women.

 

I can't tell you who to pick, but I can tell you're "inlove" with T and you have deep feelings with K which could grow into something more.

 

Tell them both you need to be alone and for atleast 2 weeks you can't see/talk/email with either of them. YOU need to take full control of the no contact so you can think....Maybe go away for afew days if possible too...This won't work if you still talk to them.

 

I wish I could tell you which one to go for, but I can't. One is safe, and comfortable - And the other one has passion and excitement.

 

Do a pro/con list on each woman, see how you feel afterwards.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[MoonGirl]

Hi Marc,

 

Not that I am anyone to give advice (I'm in a terrible mess myself!), but if you are so quick to think about leaving K for T, then perhaps K is not the right woman for you. I know you don't want to hurt her, but if you are not able to return the feelings she has for you, is that fair to her? 9 months is not long, but it certainly is long enough to know if you love someone. Isn't it?

 

You obviously have some reservations about T because she is unstable (probably due to her age), but you may always regret the fact that you never tried to work things out with her. If you don't try with T, then you may always end up thinking about what could have been. If you give it a try, even if it fails, then you'll know the answer and you won't be left with regrets.

 

I have to admit I am a bit biased here since I was once in a similar situation. I had 2 choices, and married the more "stable" man who was older, had a great job, and owned a house. My other "choice" and I were separated by distance (different schools). He was the same age as me, still in college, no real job, liked to party, etc. I loved him very much, but thought that he was not a practical choice for a partner/husband. Even when my marriage was good, I often dreamt about the other man because I really did love him. I tried to stop thinking about him, but I never did. Once my husband became abusive, I dreamt and thought about the other man even more often. Now that my marriage is nearly over (7 years later), I am talking to the other man again and I love him even more than I used to. Fortunately for me, he is still single and loves me as well (but I got lucky). I think that even if my marriage had been a huge success in all practical terms, I would have always wondered about what could have been. Love is love and cannot be overcome by logical thought.

 

Of course, there is some chance that T is simply jealous and wants you only because you are taken. This would be unfortunate, but at least you will find out the truth if you give her another chance.

 

Good luck!

[Guest]

Hi,

I am the female version of your story 12 years later. I passed on "my dream guy" and married the guy that was kind, stable, committed, and sweet. Thinking that listening to my mind over my heart would provide me with a long, stable happy marriage. How very wrong I was.

12 years later, my husband has treated me like a princess the whole time and I am still unhappy, always have been and it's getting worse.

 

I wanted long term stability and commitment. I got it. But... I thought that I would eventually fall "in love" with my husband because he is such a good person...well, I fell in love with him, but not like a wife should love her husband, I love him like a brother or a best friend. It's a horrible situation to be in and I feel guilty about it everyday for 12 years. I treat him well, but there is no passion behind what I do.

 

The worst part? I despise cheaters, I think of it as a sin. A year ago my husband and I became mutual friends with a guy and from the moment I met him, I felt this need to be near him. I loved his company, I could talk to him for hours. I tried to ignore my feelings for a year until 1 day he told me that he loved being around me, which eventually led to him telling me that he loved me and the worst part was that I felt the same way. I had finally met the man that I had been waiting for my whole life.

 

I finally met the person that made me melt, the person that I felt I couldn't live without, the person that I couldn't stop thinking about, the person that wanted to marry me because he loved me so much and the person that I couldn't ever marry because I already was married. The person that made me into the 1 thing I couldn't stand-a cheater. I live with the guilt everyday now of what I have done to my wonderful husband and with pain of missing someone I love everyday so much that it hurts because I am still with my husband and not with him.

 

Follow your heart or you will never be happy. You are trying to take the sensible and safe route to an important decision and that is what I did. But love is an emotion and it's not a sensible one so you can't apply sense to it. It will always involve risk, the risk of getting hurt but you have to take that risk if it is real love that you want to experience. I wish I would have. I wish I could.

[Guest]

Marc-

I read it all. I once was the other woman with a man, that when he was with me, wanted me. But when he was with her, he wanted her, and it ended with neither of us wanting him.

 

I also dated someone else and thought it was over until I saw him another girl and it did make me realize what I had lost. Thankfully that man is now my husband of 11 wonderful years.

 

T will influence you in her direction and K likewise. You have to make the decision on your own. If you keep talking to both you won't and could possibly lose both of them in the end. But ultimately you have to make the decision on your own.

Good luck, you sound like a really nice guy!

[fellowgator]

I think there are two bigissues here. The first big issue and I'm sure you've heard this a lot but is still true, have you not developed feelings for the second girl because you won't let yourself? Could you let go of the first "dream girl" to see where things could go with the second woman? If you really felt genuine feelings for the second woman, why not give that a chance without the dream girl interfering? If dream girl really loves you like she says she does now, she will be around if/when you and girl 2 don't work out. You waited for her quite a long time.

 

I have someone in my past who I thoght was just perfect but at the time I wasn't ready and pushed him away. Sometimes I regret it now, but then i wasn't ready so we weren't meant to be. Doesn't mean I should go back to him now and expect another chance. I blew it the first time and sometimes that is all you get (or deserve!) I guess I would feel differently if dream girl seemed to actually treat you well but doesn't seem so here.

 

The second problem being does the "dream girl" really love you or is she just afraid to be alone and to lose you for good? Remembering myself at 22, I had no idea what love really was, I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship. It just seems pretty odd that she did not want you in (I think you said June? July?) but then two months later upon finding you were with someone else all of a sudden she wants you again. For me, the excuse of not knowing what you had until it's gone = jealousy. Also...you mention lacking intimacy, love...those are not good omens for a romantic relationship. Perhaps she is destined to be your good friend?

 

I know it's far easeir said by someone who won't feel the consequences but it seems that you have pinpointed it yourself...you and dream girl had many years to figure things out and she just wasn't ready. Wouldn't you thank it is pretyt suspicious that she wants you only now when you have a real chance to be happy with someone else than her? Even if you dont love girl 2, I don't think girl 1 is right for you either. Maybe no one is the right one after all? Good luck. Let us know what happens!

[crazygator]

Thanks so much for reading and for all the thoughtful replies thus far. I appreciate them all. If any one else wants to lend their viewpoint, I welcome that. Thanks again.

 

Marc

[frannie]

Thanks so much for reading and for all the thoughtful replies thus far. I appreciate them all. If any one else wants to lend their viewpoint, I welcome that. Thanks again.

 

Marc

 

Just a very quick response here, but have you thought about putting this in General Relationship questions..? It doesn't seem to have got many replies and I can't help wondering if it's just not got lost here on OM/OW.

 

My thoughts on your situation are: that if you're so torn... maybe you don't love either of them enough. But then, maybe 'with good sense' is the best way to go into a relationship. But I think that you seem to be comparing the women in a kind of 'how far are they willing to go for me' sense, rather than how you feel about them... how much one or the other is willing to put into things, how much one of them made an effort to lose weight and get fit, etc. All seems a little clinical.

 

Do you usually like to 'keep your options open'..? Sometimes there is no 'perfect' answer...

[whichwayisup]

Does the advice given change in your views/thoughts in any way? Are things abit clearer in your head to help you make a choice?

[whichwayisup]

He shouldn't repost now. THe mods could move this whole thread over to another section.

 

Even though it's not a typical OW/OM situation, he still is seeing two women. He may not see that as cheating, physically anyway, but emotionally he is. I'm sure if K knew how he really felt about T she would be upset, hurt and jealous, just like if T knew about K and how he felt about her, same hurt feelings involved.

[frannie]

He shouldn't repost now. THe mods could move this whole thread over to another section.

 

Even though it's not a typical OW/OM situation, he still is seeing two women. He may not see that as cheating, physically anyway, but emotionally he is. I'm sure if K knew how he really felt about T she would be upset, hurt and jealous, just like if T knew about K and how he felt about her, same hurt feelings involved.

 

He said early on that they both knew about each other. I think. He's just dating two women.

[Guest]

why are you in such a rush to make a decision if obviously u are not ready to make a decision. think about it, no matter what decision make now, ur still going to think about the other woman and wonder if u made the right decision. be with someone because u know that she is for you. don't make her feel like she (either one) is going to be second best. no one deserves that.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Crazygator,

 

This is a difficult one, but nonetheless, a story that will do you more good than harm in the hopes of providing you with a happy future full of love.

 

The solution to your situation is found deep within your heart. There are no words of wisdom. Love is embedded in the soul, not spoken through the mouth.

 

My advice: With all due respect, I believe you should walk away from both. Neither, is the way. On the other hand, considering you are very much attached to both, I would say to go with T [Girl #1].

 

Both women are special in their own way, present a certain level of uniqueness -yet IF one [woman] was truly meant to completely, and lustfully captivate your heart then you would have chosen [ -without much hesitation].

 

The memories, magic, chemistry and love, T [Girl #1] and you had shared should be taken as a blessing and a gift. The other girl, K, doesn't quite fit well with your soul [ -as I have noticed from your description].

 

Ultimately, K, will not last nor will be able to fulfill you in ways T did. The girl [K] is a nice, wonderful person deservingly meant for a nice wonderful man -who can ultimately entice her in passionate ways [ -which was downplayed in the relationship you had with her] beyond this situation.

 

Think about it all. Don't fool yourself into thinking the understated girl has a chance. The heart doesn't lie. Be careful, and I am positive you will make the right decision.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

[crazygator]

Thanks for all the replies. They are appreciated.

 

Whichwayisup - not only am I not cheating, but I allowed both women to read this post before it was posted. They both found it informative and enlightening, (their words) but it was nothing they didn't already know. I am open and honest, perhaps to a fault.

[whichwayisup]

Then I have to say, both women are pretty special and patient. Good that you're being completely open with both of them. They both must care for you alot to stick around and wait..Probably isn't easy on them either.

 

Good luck and I hope you find some answers soon.

[sb129]

Man, if some guy was trying to choose between me and another woman and actually TOLD me about it, he would be shown the door.

[crazygator]

I think the part of this that was lost in translation is the following:

 

While I would not say I am presently in love with K, there HAVE BEEN times when I feel like I might be falling for her. The question I'm asking myself is - Could my feelings for K grow to what they are for T? I've only known K for 9 months, while T I've known for 5 years. If the answer to that question is YES, then K is probably the right choice in my humble opinion, as there are few if any other questions, issues, or doubts with her.

 

I do love T, but she said something as recently as last night that really got under my skin. I asked her last night how, if we were to date again, I could be sure her treatment of me would remain at a high level after we pass the initial honeymoon phase. Her answer? "Don't let me walk all over you. Treat me with respect, still do nice things for me, but don't overdo it."

 

The fact that she tells me this openly does not sit well at all with me. At this part of the decision making process, I think K has the early advantage.

[whichwayisup]

My thought here is for K. If I were in her shoes and knew I was up against T, I would back out immediately. No way would I sit and wait for a man to decide IF he loved me and felt passionate for me, either he does or doesn't...

 

Sadly though, someone, or maybe both are gonna get hurt.

[sb129]

Come to think of it, if he was considering another woman and DIDN'T tell me about it I would give him the boot....

 

How does K feel that you called T the dreamgirl?????

She is pretty tolerant..

 

I am my BF's dreamgirl. The one and only.

There is not enough room in our relationship for another....

 

I am pretty amazing though...

[crazygator]

<<Man, if some guy was trying to choose between me and another woman and actually TOLD me about it, he would be shown the door.""

 

.....which would my my decision very easy for me, if that were to happen, but it hasn't.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah one thing though, and I know you want to be open and honest, but some of your thoughts, should be private...Have you shown them this site or just shown them the posts by printing them out? I'm just saying you're allowed to have your own private thoughts without having to tell them exactly what you're thinking/feeling every moment..Hope that makes sense...

[sb129]

"Don't let me walk all over you. Treat me with respect, still do nice things for me, but don't overdo it."

 

The fact that she tells me this openly does not sit well at all with me. At this part of the decision making process, I think K has the early advantage.

 

Why not? You are being open with her.

And I think that she has a valid point.....the honeymoon phase can't last forever.

 

You are making it sound like a tennis match. Peoples feelings are at stake here.

[sb129]

Isn't feistiness and self respect attractive in a woman?

 

I think the longer you drag it out, the longer you are walking all over THEM.

 

Whichwayisup is right, youneed to keep some stuff to yourself, or you risk losing both of them.

[magichands]

Man, if some guy was trying to choose between me and another woman and actually TOLD me about it, he would be shown the door.

I agree. This is kind of a sick joke. Sorry.