hugznkisses21 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I love my bf with all my heart and he loves me very very much - we are both very caring and loving people and would do anything for the other person...but there is one thing that really breaks me heart into a million pieces - is we argue alot....stupid thing, some not so stupid and sometimes things never should be an argument but turn into one cause we can be stubborn and defensive. Its so hard leaving his place alot uspet that we argued. We both know that we want to be with eachother so why is this so hard to work through. Do lots of arguments mean we love eachother but cant be together...that is my biggest fear right now because i almost feel ripped off, like some dangled the most amazing person infront of me but i cant have it. We can try all sorts of things but we arent sure what will work....and its starting to hurt. Arguing i can handle - argue get over it and move on - but a part of me is scared that that is a sign that we are meant for eachother. I have dated many men and none of which i can ever see myself with or filled my heart with so much love Can someone help us please? I mentioned to him this evening after crying anf an argument that maybe we should get together next week and talk so we can work toward somesort of solution.....Can anyone offer any help for us. Im sick of feeling this way every few days. BTW - us breaking up isnt an option - we both believe in working for what u believe in - and we dont have a major problen just arguing over and over again
LaughMachine Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Fighting is very hard and commuicating properly can't be ignored or your relationship will suffer big time. You both want to stay with eachother and work through these problems and for solving your problems that is a great step to take. You both have to step outside of eachothers shoes and switch places and try to percieve things differently in order to understand how eachother felt. It's hard to do because you both don't want to be wrong but two wrongs don't make a right. Two stubbron people don't clash well but one stubborn person and one easy going person= person getting walked all over. So that is a good thing you both stand your grounds but you can't let this petty aruging ruin the love you guys have for eachother. In the end after all heated words are said...nothing comes from them unless you two work together in trying to understand eachothers views. It will be hard but if ya'll are willing to work on it than I'm sure things can be fixed.
Author hugznkisses21 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 Thanks - I think that was the little light i hope i needed to hear right now - with my puffy eyes and all Its so hard not to sit here before bed and be scared that maybe in the morning or a couple days from now when we get together to talk (we talke everyday anyhow) that maybe he may say , hun maybe its too much for us to handle... That would hurt so bad. Im not saying i will put up with anyhting for love and be walked all over i mean i speak up for me and so does he and that turn into arguments sometimes (pride i guess...meh pride) I am generally the type not to say anything and when i do if it upsets someone i beat myself up for it so badly but i find when i do speak my mind - we both get our backs up - so its almost like i want to revert back to my passive side in order not to start anyhting - YET i want to be open and be in the relationship i deserve and love to be in and ALL of this goes for him too - i also get defensive naturally. Is there a point when it is too much? No matter how much love?
LaughMachine Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 No matter how much love, yes there is a point when too much is too much. If there are differences amongst you two that don't seem to end because your alikeness being stubborn gets in the way too much,than that can later lead to your break up. I know your sad and your crying and just the thought of breaking up forever aches really really bad but don't quit just yet. Be strong girl and realize he is just as screwed as you are if you guys do happen to break up in the future. You just gotta try hard, both of you and tell him this so he understands some of it. How long have you two been going out
Author hugznkisses21 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 we have been together for only 7 mths... I think we both come from a relationship in which if we noticed the slightest behavior that remind us of the hurt in our past we get our backs up. For example - my ex used to cut me out of his life for days and then see me for a day when it was convient for him - so when i see something that reminds me ofthis i think it raises a red flag and then an argument eventhough he is not like that. Same goes for him - his ex was very controlling or bossy so if i say to him i dont like when u do this i think he automatically gets defensive. I am slo strugging with self confidence issues in which i have been open with my bf about - we have talked...so a part of me is like oh gosh maybe this is too much maybe he would be happier with another girl We know for a fact that we see in eachother nothing we have ever had before, the love, the respect and the trust and honesty.... we have been fghing since the "honeymoon stage" has been over and we also went through a bad spell when his friend passed away. Is unbelievely hard - i know im upset and i called him and he said we will work thorugh it but a part of me is like - i know he cant stand the arguing anymore - and what to do ya know??
Hitman10000 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Usually relationships kinda start sucking when either one of these take place: 1. Too much silence between the two of you 2. Too much noise between the two of you. Right now you're getting 2. Try to fix it up or it'll get worse.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 arguing and fighting a lot sucks..the relationship i was in just before i got into my current one was like that. all we ever did was argue over every little thing. we just had conflicting personalities, and finally it got to be too much and we didnt know how to solve it so we broke up. granted we didnt have a lot in common, and although we did love each other we didnt agree on much. that being said, when u are more compatible but still fight there are a couple things u can do: 1. instead of arguing or fighting, when an issue comes up try to stay calm and listen to each other instead of getting defensive. yes its hard, but believe me, if u are willing to see ur bfs point of view, then it wont escalate. 2. try to compromise when u disagree on something remember: all couples fight. its constant fighting that can take a toll on a relationship. if u and ur bf really love each other and want it to work out than u will. u both need a better way of communicating with each other in order to cut down on the aruguments, because even though u love each other sometimes u just get to the point where its too much. listen to ur boyfriend and try not to get uspet and defensive. maybe try working through problems by saying, "i feel this way". nobody can get defensive if ur telling them how ur feeling. just try to talk things about and communicate better. good luck!
NallePuh Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Well, as Dr. Phil says: Would you rather be right or be happy? I think this can be at least applied to arguments about smaller things, maybe on big ones as well depending on the topic. This isn't to say that you always have to give in or anything, but I think something like this could be brought up in the discussion you have with you're boyfriend about this. Communication takes pratice, but since you two are so in love, I think you have a good ground to start practicing on;)
BlueEyedSarah Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Its not good to be in a relationship with arguments a lot of the time. It does get too much. Sadly enough is enough is what either you or him will say.
Author hugznkisses21 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 we are meeting up sometimes this evening - i said that we should talk and get to the bottom of this caus ethe arguing sucks....ALOT I dont know what to say or where to start...do i ask him if he know what he wants - because the other night i sais - hey id like it better if u spemt time with me instea of the computer when im with you - and he got all defensive saying he feel like he cant do what he wants....which i have no idea where that came from - im a very lienient gf - he doesnt spent too mcuh time with me couple days a week and he goes with friends, time alone, whatever he wants and i have never questioned him.... i do not know where to start
BlueEyedSarah Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 the other night i sais - hey id like it better if u spemt time with me instea of the computer when im with you - and he got all defensive saying he feel like he cant do what he wants....which i have no idea where that came from It sounds as though he thought you may have asked him the 'wrong' way which led him to miscommunicate with you by saying the responce of 'he can't do what he wants'. I think your relationship does not have the 'happy mediam'.
Walk Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 My relationship we fought like cats and dogs for the first.. uh.. heck, 2 years. Took a lot of hard work, and both of us throwing up our hands at differing points in the relationship before we found ways to better communicate. Sometimes you have to be smarter about how you argue. Less emotionally reactive, more logical. What are some of the big problems with your communication methods? Do you both give equal time to talk? Do you stick with one problem? Do you end up feeling like you weren't heard? How would you describe it? Do either of you talk condenscendingly toward each other.. or are you both respectful of the other person? I wouldn't say your relationship is doomed. Keep researching communication on the web and books and articles you can find. If your both committed to working things out, then they can be worked through.
Author hugznkisses21 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Update: Well lets just say that things got worse before they got better - i guess it was good that they did cause it pointed out what both of us do that lead to blow ups... Walk - that was a very promising post for me thank you. I think with communication we both tend to be very defensive of ourselves because we both hate to be looked at as someone who makes a mistake or hurts the other person. In the end we both chose one or two things that the other person can work on to prevent this. For him i choose that if he really wants me to speak my mind and be open with him about my feeling towards things - whether he things they are stupid or not they mean something to me - so before reacting defensively - stop anf thing - maybe she means this in a loving way, maybe she is trying to tell me something about her feelings and opening up or maybe this is dumb to me but i didnt realize it mean that much or it hurt her For him he chose for me to think before i say something and instead of thinking the worst of what he says - to ask him what he meant by it before reacting based on a negative thought of what i may think he meant... Good start no? I mean out fights ALWAYS start from miscommunication not LACK of
JCD Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 He doesn't care or respect you, imo. He is a bit selfish also. Seems to me the computer is more important to him so he needs to mature a bit and become a man.
Author hugznkisses21 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 i dont believe one fight over him on his computer mean he doesnt care or respect me
LaughMachine Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 we have been together for only 7 mths... I think we both come from a relationship in which if we noticed the slightest behavior that remind us of the hurt in our past we get our backs up. For example - my ex used to cut me out of his life for days and then see me for a day when it was convient for him - so when i see something that reminds me ofthis i think it raises a red flag and then an argument eventhough he is not like that. Same goes for him - his ex was very controlling or bossy so if i say to him i dont like when u do this i think he automatically gets defensive. I am slo strugging with self confidence issues in which i have been open with my bf about - we have talked...so a part of me is like oh gosh maybe this is too much maybe he would be happier with another girl We know for a fact that we see in eachother nothing we have ever had before, the love, the respect and the trust and honesty.... we have been fghing since the "honeymoon stage" has been over and we also went through a bad spell when his friend passed away. Is unbelievely hard - i know im upset and i called him and he said we will work thorugh it but a part of me is like - i know he cant stand the arguing anymore - and what to do ya know?? Yeah being ignored for days by a love than called when convienent is defiently a " trait " a ex of mine carried. But you both have this guard up, thicker skin grown from both eachothers hurt in the past, which is good but can also be bad. He is not your ex though and if he does something similar that your ex has done maybe it won't lead to the extreme but something different. I rather have fighting than silence because fighting might show anger but most importantly it shows effort. What has your boyfriend thought about all this?
Guest Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 he is very big on communication and gets me to communicate with him more
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