konfuzd Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I've been casually seeing this guy for a little over a month. At first, we saw eachother every weekend, and would talk a couple times in between. We haven't really defined any sort of relationship at this point. When he brought it up, I just told him I was in no hurry to jump into anything right away, but was really happy with the way we connected, he agreed, told me that I was "a good find" after listing a bunch of things we have in common, and we kind of left it at that. The last time I saw him was New Year's day. He didn't contact me at all last weekend, so I went out with some girlfriends and never really thought much of it. When this weekend rolled around, I still hadn't heard much from him other than some small talk via msn. I was talking to him on friday night, asked what he was up to for the weekend. He had a party he was going to on Saturday, but that's all he mentioned. I said that I was hoping to see him at some point because I'm going out of town next week, so that will eliminate the next two weekends. He just replied with "that would be nice". He then left to eat dinner, so I assumed he'd be back later to make some plans. No dice. I contacted him this afternoon (sunday) and asked what he was up to. Said he was recovering from the party the night before, so I said, "I guess I won't see you today then". His response: "not likely. Sorry". I talked to him on msn for a bit, but didn't know how to approach it, so I just left it kinda lighthearted, and said, "well, I guess I'll find something else to do since you're being so lame today". I am kind of upset because I had told him I wanted to do something and he ignored it. We hadn't made any specific plans or anything, so I'm not sure if my hurt feelings are warranted. Also, if he was really as into me as he says, would he not put some effort into spending time with me? I'm definately not a clingy person, and don't expect him to give up his social life for me at all, but at the same time, I only asked for his time, because otherwise it's an entire month we won't see eachother. I don't think it's a lot to ask. Is it worth bringing up, and how do I do so without sounding over dependant?
Lauriebell82 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 sounds like he isn't making all that much effort. maybe he just doenst want to seem desperate and want to see u all the time, but i dont think he's doing much to try to win u over. don't suggest doing anything anymore, let him be the one to make plans. and if doesnt, then jsut move on.
Zaira Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 "He's just not that into you" is ringing in my head. Sorry. If he wants to contact/see you, then he will. He's not making any effort, so in your shoes I'd count it as one that got away and move on.
Author konfuzd Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 I agree. His words and actions are definately not jiving. He tells me how interested he is, constantly complimenting me when we are together, but doesn't really step up to the plate in terms of making things happen. He said to me one time that he liked the fact that I sometimes make plans for us, so he doesn't have to do all the work. He told me he doesn't like girls who just sit and wait for the guy to make all the moves. At the same time, I'm not willing to take it all on myself either, he should be putting more effort in. Do you think I should specifically raise the issue, or just ride it out and see if he comes around?
funkify Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 As a general rule, I don't make anything an issue until the relationship is serious/exclusive. If it's just casual dating, then it means you also ACT casual (only my opinion). Sorry to hear he's being so lazy. I agree with the others, wait maybe 2 weeks and don't initiate any contact (even msn). Sometimes msn can make people lazy and think that it takes the place of an actual phone call. If he notices you offline all the time he might wonder what you're up to and will initiate something, who knows? Give it a go, you've got nothing to lose. You've made it clear you're interested, now take the back seat. Good luck
Author konfuzd Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 Since I'll be away next week, that should be easy, I will wait until I get back. The other issue that is weighing on my mind is that right after I get back is his bday. He bought me a gift for mine which was just recent, so I'm unsure as to whether I should get him something too. I guess I could always buy something that I would like, and if things go sour, I'll just keep it.
Hitman10000 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I concur with the ladies, you went up to kick the ball and he isn't serving. Pace yourself back and enjoy the single life.
Okeydokey Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 in my experience - the less interested you are the more interested the other person is. =)
Author konfuzd Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 I hate playing games. I am not going to fake disinterest to get him interested. That's just lame if you ask me. I layed it out on the table. Why do guys enjoy screwing with a girl's emotions? What is so hard about liking someone, going after them, and just being together because you enjoy being together? Why does it have to be so complicated? I'm so tired of playing the game. I just want someone real. Why is that so difficult? I'm so sick and tired of these high school 'I like you this week, but not next week' flings. I just want to love and be loved. Simple as that, or so I wish. This is so frustrating. I wonder why I even try anymore, why I hold onto the hope that I am capable of being happy for more than a month or two at a time. I am a good catch! I have a good, no wait, make that a great job, I own my own home and am independent, I like to laugh, I have an adventurous spirit. I love to try new things, I like to cook and take care of my man, I enjoy life, I have great friends, a stable family. Why does no one else see this? Why have I become so disposable to everyone who I cross paths with? Sorry, just went for a few beers with a friend and felt the need to rant.
Okeydokey Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 it is not a game if you actually feel less interested bc he is being unreliable.... i have learned from lots of experience that if the person is not being reliable then I am NOT interested. And inevitably when I lose interest bc they are not pulling their weight that is when they come back around. it's not a game - it's how you feel. why be jerked around? why feel like that is ok?
funkify Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I hate playing games. I am not going to fake disinterest to get him interested. That's just lame if you ask me. I layed it out on the table. Why do guys enjoy screwing with a girl's emotions? What is so hard about liking someone, going after them, and just being together because you enjoy being together? Why does it have to be so complicated? I'm so tired of playing the game. I just want someone real. Why is that so difficult? I'm so sick and tired of these high school 'I like you this week, but not next week' flings. I just want to love and be loved. Simple as that, or so I wish. This is so frustrating. I wonder why I even try anymore, why I hold onto the hope that I am capable of being happy for more than a month or two at a time. I am a good catch! I have a good, no wait, make that a great job, I own my own home and am independent, I like to laugh, I have an adventurous spirit. I love to try new things, I like to cook and take care of my man, I enjoy life, I have great friends, a stable family. Why does no one else see this? Why have I become so disposable to everyone who I cross paths with? Sorry, just went for a few beers with a friend and felt the need to rant. I know honey, happens to me ALL the time. Did you ever think, maybe HE'S not good enough for you? If he doesn't see all these values, that's very likely the case. I'm not trying to make you feel better, but a good man can recognise a good woman but a loser can't tell the difference.
confucious Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Hi Konfuzd. Let me put forward a different perspective than anyone here has yet taken. You said he brought up the concept of exclusivity, which you nixed off the bat. Not a bad thing, and the way you did it was courteous, but when a guy brings up exclusivity with a girl and is shot down, well... If things are going well and a woman doesn't want to further things it may make a guy wonder why...does she have other men, is she not that interested etc. Not to mention the blow to his super-man-ego. After you said you were in "no rush to get into anything right now" you said he "didn't contact you at all last weekend" so you went out with the girls. Did you try to contact HIM??? To summarize (hopefully I have all the facts) he tried to go exclusive with you, you said no and then proceeded to wait for him to continue chasing you. Did you ever think of calling HIM and asking to do something on such and such a day?? This would perhaps signal that what you said about really digging him was true and not just a polite way out of an awkward situation. He went out on a limb and tried to advance your relationship, fell out of the tree, and is now licking his wounds and waiting to see what YOU do/where YOU stand. Perhaps by waiting for him to call and ask you to do something you further conveyed the message that you're not interested. Yes, I understand you spoke with him last friday - was this on messenger?...as in you are both online at the same time so there was no overt effort on your part to contact?? I know you said you would like to see him, but you waited until Friday night, on(perhaps) messenger to say you'd like to see him because you won't for another 2 weekends. There is no obvious forethought put into this last minute passive invitation, no attempt to let him know WEDNESDAY that you'll be away and hey, let's hang out Friday night cause I really want to see you. Perhaps a plan made a few DAYS before the date would be a better idea rather than contacting him last minute and expecting him to adhere to your schedule. My take is - he thinks you are not interested by Your saying no to advancement of relationship andyour lack of any overt invitation in a timely fashion (ie: mid-week...) for last weekend, or as far as I can tell from your post, at all.Perhaps he just needs more clues to the fact you still are interested...perhaps you could just clear the air with him...it may be as simple as a half hour chat. I have been in a relationship in which the woman always "asked" me to do something by saying "What are you doing tonight?" and then waiting for me to say "Nothing, do you want to get together?"...the passivity and transferal of responsibilty irked me to hell... Good luck!!!
Author konfuzd Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 Hi confucious, Thanks for the alternate perspective. Most of our contact has unfortunately been via msn. I have fallen victim to it's convenience, and ability to hold multiple conversations at one time. I also know he signs in every day after work, and if I'm online, he always sparks up a conversation right away. I am used to the traditional role of the guy doing the pursuing and initiating of conversation, so I guess I have some difficulty with that yet. Even when I asked him to do something, it was he who had started the conversation to begin with. Perhaps he just needs more clues to the fact you still are interested...perhaps you could just clear the air with him...it may be as simple as a half hour chat. Any ideas on how to bring this up? Again, I've never been the initiator of such a conversation. It has only been about 6-7 weeks, so I really don't think I'm ready to call it a bf/gf situation, but I do really want the opportunity to spend time with him in order to see if it's worth putting time and effort into.
Porn_Guy Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I am used to the traditional role of the guy doing the pursuing and initiating of conversation, so I guess I have some difficulty with that yet. Even when I asked him to do something, it was he who had started the conversation to begin with. many women love aloof men who play hard-to-get.
Walk Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I agree with Confucious. You told him to back off. He backs off. Now you're not happy he backed off. You're just confusing the poor guy. I think if I were you, I'd call him, ask him out for a specific day. Tell him I really wanted to see him. If he said no regardless of the day... then I'd ask him specifically if his lack of interest pertained to my comment after NY's. See what he says. Maybe it'll clear up the miscommunication, maybe he won't want to discuss it. Either way.. it would make me feel like I put forth the effort to clear things up.
Walk Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Any ideas on how to bring this up? Again, I've never been the initiator of such a conversation. It has only been about 6-7 weeks, so I really don't think I'm ready to call it a bf/gf situation, but I do really want the opportunity to spend time with him in order to see if it's worth putting time and effort into. THis sounded pretty good. Maybe tweak the last part. More like.. I really want the opportunity to see where this is going. And then maybe play to his ego a bit.. tell him something you really like about him. Or that you really like him. Leave out the "if he's worth the effort, cause my time is valuable and if you're just another loser, then I don't want to waste my precious time on you. And you probably are a loser, so I'm going to take it slow until you show your true colors." I'm pretty sure that's what he heard the first time....
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