Aussie65 Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 well here I am back once again...I just needed to vent again. I went out with my live-in-boyfriend and our female roomate.We seemed to be having a great time,we ended up in the city and at a night club to which I stuck by my partners side as much as I could but he seemed to be running off to the toilets a lot and also watching the pool games around the corner so I stayed with the roomate and partied on.Where we were standing there was an elderly man there that we got talking to,he was nice and polite and we got talking about his army days and other things,just a simple,nice chat!well to my BF it was not just that.....he started to get jelouse and assume the worse and honestly thought I was spending too much time talking to this man that was old enough to be my grandfather. My roomate and I danced a bit,I got my boyfriend up to dance a few times as well but he was interested in a pool game the boys were playing so I left him there.A little later he came back and I asked him if he would like to sit down at a table,he told me I should go there and he would stand beside the bar and keep an eye on us,for me to have some fun. I went to the table and was there no longer then a few minutes and noticed he was gone.I then went searching for him everywhere and called his phone a number of times....no answer!So I then proceeded to the dance floor and never in my wildest dreams imagined this would have happened to me but I found him against a wall KISSING a girl!. I was so angry and I know I should probably have just walked away but I went over to him and laid one on him knocking him backwards towards the crowd.He was devastated when he saw me!He got up from the floor and grabbed me saying...PLEASE NO!DON'T DO THIS!I LOVE YOU!IM SO SO SORRY!....I pushed him away and walked away calling him a few choice words and looking her in the eye and telling her what I thought of her too.He continued to follow me telling me how sorry he was and how he loved me so much....I walked out of the night club,he grabbed me again,I asked him to leave me alone,to take his hands off me.....he didn't!so I struck him again...I walked across the road...he followed me,I walked faster to stay away from him and told him if he continued to follow me I would call the police.I was so angry....I didn't want to even look at him as you can imagine.All I could hear was him crying out to me saying he was sorry and he loved me...I walked on and caught a cab home. He was home around an hour later after catching a train...I had calmed down enough to tell him that I wanted him to have a sleep then to remove his things from my home.Later on he came to me crying and telling me how sorry he was and how drunk he was....no excuse though for his actions right?I am now taking things day by day but he is grovelling badly to me and is trying hard to make things work....I know I am going to have trouble with trust for some time. My question is.....have you forgiven your man for something like this?
amaysngrace Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Honestly it's never happened to me but I wouldn't put up with it. I don't think you two like each other as much as you think you do. If he wants to hook-up with other girls in your presence and you respond by smacking him, then I don't think either one of you have the proper respect for each other that is required for a happy healthy relationship. He is in less control of the situation as well because you provide him his place to live. Are you overbearing generally towards him? They say when a woman treats a guy like she's his mother he will go out and find himself a girlfriend.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Break up with him and let him stew in it for a while. See what he does, how he handles it. IF he shows you, not only in words, but in action, how sorry he is, and can prove to you he's worthy of your love and trust again, then give him ONE chance, if he kisses another girl, he's gone. For good. What is odd though, he's so jealous of you talking to other men, even men old enough to be your grandpa, how then, can he go off and dance with another girl. I think he's crossed the line before though, and this time around he just got caught. Take your time and think about what you want. If you love him, then try again, if not, just say goodbye and find a guy who will treat you so much better.
Zaira Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I don't condone violence, but I think your boyfriend deserved a smack in the head. How rude and condescending!! I agree. Break up with him. Let him stew for awhile. Being drunk is NO excuse. I'm not saying don't forgive him though. That's something only you can decide on. I've been cheated on, forgiven and had it done again and again. But that's not to say if I truly loved someone and felt I could trust them again, that I wouldn't forgive again (Different fella of course! )
marree1 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 As trite as this sounds, a leopard doesn't change it's spots. Imagine if you were married and perhaps had a family. Leave him. your mother may have told you there are other fish to catch. You haven't invested enough in the emotional 'kitty' to build a solid foundation. If someone can get away with something in in the initial stages of a relationship, they'll keep on doing it. Sounds like he has one set of rules for you and another entirely for himself. You both should be on the same page. You are not a team. You deserve better. I'd break it off but I bet there would be a pattern of him doing this over and over.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I would be crushed if this were to happen to me. I can't imagine how you must have felt to witness that kiss. Betrayal is so demeaning. I know in the past I would have been searching for any excuse for him because one in love usually wants to remain in love. Unfortunately I have learned that an act of this nature, even in a state of drunkenness, will usually lead to even more heartbreak in the future. As hard as it is to break up with him, I would have to do that. Of course it is not for me to decide what course of action you take, that's just what I would have to do for my own self esteem at this point in my life. It took a long time for me to get to this point and I couldn't back pedal now.
IpAncA Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 My question is.....have you forgiven your man for something like this? I haven't no. I have no tolerance for such an act. He should have thought twice about that IMO. I find it amazing what people do until they get caught and then blame is on something other themselves. But hey only you can decide if you stay with him or not.
Okeydokey Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I tried to forgive once and it happened again and again. Your best hope is to break it off completely and move on. If you guys really care for each other you might be able to start over in a few years when you have both learned your lessons from the situation and life.
Road Rage Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 To Aussie65 There is a power struggle going on between the two of you. And he knows how to win. Women love power and success in a man, at whatever price. Let`s face it, you are going to be with him for a long, long time. You love it baby!
Walk Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I told him our time together is limited and that I felt he would rather spend time chatting with women he has never even met before from a singles site then spend time with me.He laughed and could not see what the big deal was and I asked him how he would feel if it was him sitting there waiting for me and I was on here chatting up with some single guys asking them where they lived and about their marital status. This was from the day before you caught him kissing someone else. He spent all night talking to two women he met on a dating site while you waited for him to show you an ounce of attention. Then he laughed off your concern as if you didn't even matter. Then he got jealous that you talked to a guy old enough to be your grandfather. But he still saw no problem with him talking to two women who are his age. Then he thought just saying "sorry, my bad" would make everything all better. You can forgive him for kissing the other girl. But why would you stay? There's a big difference between the two.
suchislife Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 This is what you know. Ask yourself what you don't know. Major trust issues here. Leave him alone.
riobikini Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Two alcoholics living together must *both* decide to go to AA -or chances are one will cause the other to "come off the wagon", or at least, have a more difficult time turning his/her life around. Two crack addicts living together only keep the nasty dependancy going. And likewise there's a very similar commonality with two (seemingly adult) people living together (or just in a relationship) who have not developed emotional maturity and coping methods: they each prevent each other from growing up, learning and developing more mature and acceptable patterns of behavior. It sounds like (despite whatever your ages may be) you both have a lot of growing up to do. Best done *apart* from each other. -Rio
Guest Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 How is it that the poster needs to grow up here Rio when she has caught out her defacto boyfriend kissing another girl on the dancefloor at a club when if he had any kind of respect for her he would have been beside her the whole night long.I know I would have been if it were my girl.I could not blame her for hitting him,I would have done the same.You go girl!!!!!
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I don't pretend to speak for Rio, but often a poster here has other threads and based on that information the advice given in one thread may not appear to relate, but yet it does. A member with a unique user id may have given additional information in other threads that while not stated on this one, may pertain to the issue at hand.
RecordProducer Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Break up with him and let him stew in it for a while. See what he does, how he handles it. IF he shows you, not only in words, but in action, how sorry he is, and can prove to you he's worthy of your love and trust again, then give him ONE chance, if he kisses another girl, he's gone. For good. I think this is the best solution. You must show him that you won't put up with it. On the other hand, a kiss in a drunken state is not such a big deal to break up over it forever. Break up to teach him a lesson then take him back if he shows remorse. I don't condone violence, but I think your boyfriend deserved a smack in the head. Why is it that a man can DESERVE a smack in certain circumstances? Two alcoholics living together must *both* decide to go to AA -or chances are one will cause the other to "come off the wagon", or at least, have a more difficult time turning his/her life around. Two crack addicts living together only keep the nasty dependancy going. Alcohol and drugs ruin relationships. If you have problems with any of these, it's very bad. But if you're both drinking AND doing drugs then you can't have a peaceful love ever.
riobikini Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 re: Guest: "..How is it that the poster needs to grow up here Rio when she has caught out her defacto boyfriend kissing another girl on the dancefloor..." Striking someone out of anger -repeatedly- and then (incredibly!!!) threatening to call police on them is not only a sure sign of extremely poor methods of handling anger -but outright ridiculous! He -on the other hand- was right in sync with the poor behavior from the get-go. These two people *do* need to grow up -and much of that *requires* learning to handle their emotions. And Dropdeadlegs: you are a very perceptive lady. -Rio
Author Aussie65 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 What makes you think that I was intoxicated in the first place?.One does not have to be doing drugs or drinking to have a good time right? I admit,striking someone is not the right choice to make but remembering,I just found my man locked in a kiss with another woman......something I really did not expect to find and I guess the shock of it all made me react in that way where I hit him.I walked away after I slapped him the first time and he followed me grabbing me,I asked him several times to let go of me and he wouldn't so I slapped him again.All I wanted to do was get out of there and get home which is what I did. I am here for advice,not to be told I am childish....I grew up years ago.Sure,like many other posters here I am hopeless when it comes to love and most would not be here if this were not the case.We all have our problems right?I love this man and probably am expecting too much from him....some people never change but I have given him a chance and if he blows this one he is out the door.
samsungxoxo Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Damn, that must be terrible. Nothing worst than cheating is getting caught red-handed right in the act. I honestly woudln't care if it was just kissing, I wuld have dump my b/f right away. I dunno why you gonna deal with it by taking him back? So you have forgiven him for kissing another girl and I assume he has forgiven you for hitting him in the first place. Yes cheating is terrible but so is hitting in anger. If it were me, I wouldn't bother even taking to him, I woudl just pretend I saw nothing and walk over, then text meesage him on my cell phone something like "Guess what, I saw the kiss on the dance floor, it's over, bye and do have fun with the other girl".
Author Aussie65 Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 I did,believe me I considered doing just that...walking out and telling him it was over!That night I left him and found my own way home which is a long way in a cab from here.He followed me most of the way but I am pretty fit and ended up running LOL,I caught the first cab I saw.I was so angry I cannot describe to you,not just that but devastated and shocked. You see,this guy is so nice to me believe it or not,he calls me sweetie,honey....is always hugging and kissing me and sure the bedroom scene could be much better but not all people are sexual creatures which is why I could not understand him kissing this girl in the first place.I know he assumed I was chatting up this much older man (which I wasn't),in fact I found him a safe zone being more like a Father figure and a descent man rather then many of the younger guys that were there hanging around so what may have appeared to him as me chatting up some old guy was infact nothing more then simple conversation. I have given him a chance because he treats me well in many ways and I want to at least give this one more chance.I know we have our problems and this was an awakening (i hope) for him.Things have been going great!he is really making an effort so time will tell.
littlekitty Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Been here done this. I went clubbing once in London, and tried to call my bf on the way up to tell him where I would be. He didn't answer his phone. I was having a great time dancing away in the club when my friend tapped me on the shoulder to tell me that they'd just seen my bf walk past them holding hands with a girl on the way to the toilets. I went down the toilet area and watched as he walked right by with me with his arm around this girl. I knew who she was, his ex. I watched them stand by the wall kissing. To say I was upset and angry is an understatement. I walked right up to them and said 'You w*****' to him, and said 'You're welcome to him to him love, he's been sleeping with me and you, you silly tart'. With that I left, head held high. And I never looked back. That's what you need to do now. Walk away. Anyone who treats you like that simply isn't worth the time of day.
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