orangehose Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Does anyone feel that while they're generally content with who they are, they don't like who they are in a relationship and what a relationship brings out in them? In the rest of my life I'm normal, secure, have good healthy long-term friendships and relationships with family, am forgiving, not overly sensitive, etc.... In a relationship I'm more neurotic, insecure, overanalytical, doubtful, much more sensitive, maybe a little too obsessed with the relationship to the exclusion of the rest of my life... Anyone else feel the same way?
sb129 Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Are you really happy with who you are then? I have been the neurotic over analytical type in a relationship (to its detriment and eventual demise). And the only thing that cured me was being with someone who was more over analytical and neurotic than me- it made me see my own behaviour in the mirror and magnifed and I didn't like what i saw. That R didn't last either. i know how you feel, and its so tempting to fall into that behaviour pattern- but we can condition ourselves to behave in a certain way. You need to identify the triggers that make you overanalyse/be neurotic etc, and make a conscious effort to change them. If you live in the UK todays Sunday times had a great article about training your brain to stop these negative behaviour patterns.
sb129 Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 When we are single, we are pretty much responsible for our own happiness, and we don't take as many risks with our feelings. By being with someone, you risk the potential to get hurt and often place some of the responsibilty for your happiness on the other persons shoulders, hence the feelings of insecurity etc you don't get as a single person. YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness. The other person isn't. if they do things that make you unhappy, fair, tell them, and deal with it. But you can't "anticipate" that they might do this or do that. Thats where most relationship neuroses come from-ie he might leave/ sleep with someone else/ etc, often these come about because someone ELSE has hurt you. The best remedy for that kind of thinking is- start with a clean slate. The new guy isn't your ex. Tell yourself if they do do something really "bad", you don't deserve it and if you don't like it, you can walk away. (but don't make in into a mantra, just remind yourself now and again- innocent until proven guilty OK?) Tell yourself "I have survived as a single person before, and i can do it again. If this R ends, its not the end of the world." It may all sound a bit psycho babble, but it truly has worked for me. And my relationship with my guy is very good as a result. i am much calmer, happier and secure.
amaysngrace Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I agree with what sb129 says. And I'd like to add that being in a relationship should only enhance your happiness, not detract from it. It should not change who you are in a negative way. I have to think that you haven't met the right one yet, the one who brings out the best in you. The one you can be yourself around. The one who loves you for you. If someone is making you feel insecure then they are crossing a line. You need to let them know immediately that you have a problem with what they've said or done. If they disregard your feelings on the subject then you need to walk away. Be a good communicator and let your feelings be known. But do make sure you know your own boundaries on what you will or won't allow. Don't let someone do something you're uncomfortable with for ten times and on the eleventh time speak up about it. Tell them the first time.
sb129 Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I agree with what sb129 says. And I'd like to add that being in a relationship should only enhance your happiness, not detract from it. It should not change who you are in a negative way. I have to think that you haven't met the right one yet, the one who brings out the best in you. The one you can be yourself around. The one who loves you for you. If someone is making you feel insecure then they are crossing a line. You need to let them know immediately that you have a problem with what they've said or done. If they disregard your feelings on the subject then you need to walk away. Be a good communicator and let your feelings be known. But do make sure you know your own boundaries on what you will or won't allow. Don't let someone do something you're uncomfortable with for ten times and on the eleventh time speak up about it. Tell them the first time. I agree with that too. Life is too short to waste on someone who doesn't make you happy. But people aren't mindreaders. Especially guys- they need to be told if somethings bugging you. The first time.
Rooster_DAR Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I agree with that too. Life is too short to waste on someone who doesn't make you happy. But people aren't mindreaders. Especially guys- they need to be told if somethings bugging you. The first time. Good observation and great advice!!!
Author orangehose Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 Are you really happy with who you are then? I have been the neurotic over analytical type in a relationship (to its detriment and eventual demise). And the only thing that cured me was being with someone who was more over analytical and neurotic than me- it made me see my own behaviour in the mirror and magnifed and I didn't like what i saw. That R didn't last either. i know how you feel, and its so tempting to fall into that behaviour pattern- but we can condition ourselves to behave in a certain way. You need to identify the triggers that make you overanalyse/be neurotic etc, and make a conscious effort to change them. If you live in the UK todays Sunday times had a great article about training your brain to stop these negative behaviour patterns. Wow, that's really good advice - thanks very much! Interesting that you landed in an R with someone MORE analytical... I'll try to read this Sunday times article you mention... What's confusing about all of this is that I don't do this with other types of relationships - I wonder what it is about romantic relationships that bring this out in us...
Author orangehose Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 When we are single, we are pretty much responsible for our own happiness, and we don't take as many risks with our feelings. By being with someone, you risk the potential to get hurt and often place some of the responsibilty for your happiness on the other persons shoulders, hence the feelings of insecurity etc you don't get as a single person. YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness. The other person isn't. if they do things that make you unhappy, fair, tell them, and deal with it. But you can't "anticipate" that they might do this or do that. Thats where most relationship neuroses come from-ie he might leave/ sleep with someone else/ etc, often these come about because someone ELSE has hurt you. The best remedy for that kind of thinking is- start with a clean slate. The new guy isn't your ex. Tell yourself if they do do something really "bad", you don't deserve it and if you don't like it, you can walk away. (but don't make in into a mantra, just remind yourself now and again- innocent until proven guilty OK?) Tell yourself "I have survived as a single person before, and i can do it again. If this R ends, its not the end of the world." It may all sound a bit psycho babble, but it truly has worked for me. And my relationship with my guy is very good as a result. i am much calmer, happier and secure. Actually, you answer the question here. Yeah, it was definitely surprising to me to see how romantic relationships affect our happiness a much greater deal than most other kinds of relationships. Now, I know that even as a single person, my happiness could be affected by what a friend or family member or stranger does or says to me... But somehow it's not a source of worry or even a second thought. It just feels different in a romantic relationship, and I'm not sure why (brain circuitry? hormones?) Like I've given the person a big influence over my happiness, and indeed a BIG share of my mental RAM. Glad to hear your relationship is better as a result of reducing your analyzing.
Author orangehose Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 If someone is making you feel insecure then they are crossing a line. You need to let them know immediately that you have a problem with what they've said or done. If they disregard your feelings on the subject then you need to walk away. Be a good communicator and let your feelings be known. But do make sure you know your own boundaries on what you will or won't allow. Don't let someone do something you're uncomfortable with for ten times and on the eleventh time speak up about it. Tell them the first time. Thanks, yes, great point - gotta keep those boundaries in mind, and not make them any looser than you would for a friendship.
sb129 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 The reason that we don't feel as insecure about our relationships with our friends and family is that the love is more unconditional. And strangers pass thru our lives and may not resurface. We KNOW that families and friends will love us anyway, and that most of the time they have our best interests at heart. So we can relax and be ourselves around them, without worrying they might find someone prettier/smarter/sexier/thinner/richer etc etc.
sb129 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 And also- when we are in love, the brain chemistry is very similar to a type of insanity!!!! Ha ha.... Hey good luck. You sound like a catch.
PandorasBox Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 And I'd like to add that being in a relationship should only enhance your happiness, not detract from it. It should not change who you are in a negative way. I agree, and this goes for any type of relationship too. Not just with a spouse or b/f or g/f but with friends as well. Any time you are in a relationship and its effecting you in a negative or unhealthy way its probably time to cut off that relationship.
Guest Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 OMG!! What a great question. I feel like you just described me to a T!! I myself am also a very secure and successful person when I am sinlge. But when I am in a relationship, it seems that I just turn into a nutcase. For the last couple of weeks, I have been working really hard at changing myself. My recent daily mantra is "Do not turn into a psycho girlfriend"!!! And to go with that mantra, I am teaching myself to trust myself...in my choice of mate. And because I trust myself, then I trust my mate to not hurt me. And then every day, I go over an inventory list of what things I am grateful for that my mate brings to the table regarding our relationship. I think that this kind of a thing is very common and that it is an instinctual self preservation mechanism we impose on ourselves when we question our relationships. What usually brings me closer to psycho (well insecure, but you know what I mean) is when I think about all the negatives of our relationship. Not saying you should ignore the bad, but find the balance, as it is always easier to think about the bad things. I am hoping that this is just a temporary stage for me and that I will make it over the hump eventually. Oh yeah, and also important is when you freak out, to do it away from your mate, and try to formulate some questions in a rational way. Think communication not confusion.
misscatch_22 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Me too!!!!! like outside this relation I'am the sexiest young latin woman out here in society....thyick sexy,intelligent, highly motivated,sincere ETC. but with him i feel dull, fat,stupid,obsessed,so lame and for a 22 year old i feel 60!!!! HELP! :lmao: :lmao:
precious99 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I can totally relate. I am a wonderful, caring, loving, giving - not to mention "cute" young woman - yet in my relationship it's so easy to lose track of all of those amazing qualities and just go completely insane!! I think too much and too long, I over analyze every small situation and I disect every moment. In a fleeting moment I turn into the GF from hell!! However, that said, I have made some progress in coming back from the brink of insanity. As was already mentioned I weed out my "triggers" and I avoid them whenever possible. I also try to replace negative thoughts with more positive ones, I have daily mantras and I chant them silently when I start to feel insecure. I also, try to take a step back and think logically....giving myself a minute before I just react. While this hasn't been an overnight transformation I am getting there.... I should mention that a big thing for me was feeling embarrassed by my severe reactions especially in front of my BF. While I wanted to express myself to him I felt that I would come accross as weak and whiny. But bottling up my feelings just lead to an explosive, off the wall argument later. So now I swallow my pride ad I say "honey I'm feeling insecure...." or because he knows me so well if he sees a drastic change in my mood or even just my facial expressions he will grab my hand or hold me really close for a few minutes.....
love4ever Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 I think if you feel that way you must not be in a healthy relationship. Because I've felt like that in all of my relationships intill this one. Now I think its brings out the best in me.
Author orangehose Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 The reason that we don't feel as insecure about our relationships with our friends and family is that the love is more unconditional. And strangers pass thru our lives and may not resurface. Good point - we can be ourselves and not worry about rejection with our family members. Romantic love increases one's vulnerability, because the other person might not return that love in the present or in the future... And yeah, I remember one study found that brains of poeple in love look like brains of people with OCD! Argh...
Author orangehose Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 OMG!! What a great question. I feel like you just described me to a T!! I myself am also a very secure and successful person when I am sinlge. But when I am in a relationship, it seems that I just turn into a nutcase. I can totally relate. I am a wonderful, caring, loving, giving - not to mention "cute" young woman - yet in my relationship it's so easy to lose track of all of those amazing qualities and just go completely insane!! I think too much and too long, I over analyze every small situation and I disect every moment. In a fleeting moment I turn into the GF from hell!! Yeah, it's an awful feeling, because it's at odds with our normally rational thought processes and behaviors, and we know it. The question for me is how much of it is within us, and how much of it is due to the other person/nature of the relationship? Looks like both of you are working on changing your own thought processes, and I know I'm going to try that too in the future... On the other hand, there's also truth to the notion that we won't feel as insecure with a person who 'brings out the best' in us. I ran some of my ex-BF's behaviors / words past my girlfriends, and they said it would make them insecure as well... So it's probably a mix of both internal and external factors. Like most things in life. Aiya, the human condition.
sb129 Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 My man brings out the best in me. Mostof my exes havent And I obviously bring out the best in him. He apologised unprompted to me this morning for being inconsiderate. And he wasn't even inconsiderate, i wasn't bothered at all. He went out with his mates, and forgot to tell me whenhe was going to be home... no biggie. In past relationships i may have gone ballistic.
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