polywog Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Hi Guys, I feel like such a big baby. In my last thread I got all this fabulous wise advice, but here is what I am feeling right now: LJ gave me that great 180 list & turned me onto Plan A, and PWS gave me advice about my SO needing to get out of his box (which definitely applies to him) so here's where i am being a big insecure baby ..... I have not talked to the gearhead for two days tho we are in the same house, have been posting on my thread on LS and reading today, and starting to feel kind of good, empowered even. A little while ago SO left the house with our dog kind of dressed up for him (clean clothes without automotive grease). I overheard him tell a passerby that he was going to watch a football game. Yes, I admit that I was peering thru the window...so undignified, and not very 180-wise. Anyhow as I watched the friend (someone I know and like) pick him up, I saw others in the car... off they went to place unkown. Now I feel like He's doing the 180. Here is what has me derailed; we have been having a tough time lately so not much fun, or many dates or anything. Mostly he has been rejecting my attempts to maybe have fun. Here he is while I am doing my best at 180, which makes me not so fun; what if he realizes how much fun he has without Me??? I mean, if I was going off to watch the game with him, too, it would be fun as I am fun to watch games with.... (how many times have I typed FUN?) How do we handle this 180 stuff when this happens? I never thought of myself as a control freak, but at this moment in my heartbreak I just can't figure out how this figures out into my 180 plan. It feels like the plan turning on Me!! I feel like a baby... I want him back....
Ladyjane14 Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Go back to your 180's list and have another look at 12, 13, & 14.... 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. Now, you gotta ask yourself. Are YOU where the "fun" is today? If not, get your butt up and out of the house often enough so he has to wonder if he's missing out on something exciting.
Author polywog Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 You are a gem and lifesaver, LJ... Thanks for helping get me aligned! In my heart, I think I knew this stuff. Now I shall go to my studio and start getting those paintings done.... THANX!!!!
Author polywog Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 Ok, it's later in the evening since SO went out and I just can't helping having some not happy thoughts: Because he was the one who broke up with me, and I am the one who wishes he would change his mind (I know I can't control this of course), I am just feeling like while he is out he will have a great time and meet someone new. Then the new person will cast her spell, and I'll really be left behind in the dirt.... after all, he wanted out and if he connects with a new (and thus exciting relationship) why would he even consider wanting to be with me again? It seems like the 180 thing might end up giving him just the space he needs to persue something new. I think that one of the reasons I am fearful is that the person who picked him up is a mutual friend, but really more his friend than mine... she is in fact the person who introduced us. BTW, I don't think she could be the snake in the woodpile, as he has never shown any attraction to her nor she to him. But she did have someone else in the car with her, and I know that she can be meddlesome and into drama. My fear is that she is helping SO to move on and meet new people, as she has probably listened to his complaints about me. I know I sound like a paranoid idiot here, but I just need to unload. I am speaking here out of fear
Delarocha Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Ok, it's later in the evening since SO went out and I just can't helping having some not happy thoughts: Because he was the one who broke up with me, and I am the one who wishes he would change his mind (I know I can't control this of course), I am just feeling like while he is out he will have a great time and meet someone new. Then the new person will cast her spell, and I'll really be left behind in the dirt.... after all, he wanted out and if he connects with a new (and thus exciting relationship) why would he even consider wanting to be with me again? It seems like the 180 thing might end up giving him just the space he needs to persue something new. I think that one of the reasons I am fearful is that the person who picked him up is a mutual friend, but really more his friend than mine... she is in fact the person who introduced us. BTW, I don't think she could be the snake in the woodpile, as he has never shown any attraction to her nor she to him. But she did have someone else in the car with her, and I know that she can be meddlesome and into drama. My fear is that she is helping SO to move on and meet new people, as she has probably listened to his complaints about me. I know I sound like a paranoid idiot here, but I just need to unload. I am speaking here out of fear polywog, you are not alone in these thoughts. What you're feeling is a completely normal reaction IMHO. The thing is (and trust me on this one) everyone on here gives great advice on doing a 180, but at first I think very few are capable. I know that I am not yet capable of completely following that list of rules. I know I SHOULD, but like you I was the one who had things called off on. I WANT my wife, but regardless of what I want she is moving out next month. So, what choice do I have? I can sit around and mope (which I have done PLENTY of) or I can use the remaining time to try and be happy and do things. Unfortunately at the moment my happiness is mostly an act, but sooner or later it will be for real. I guess what I want to say is you cannot make your H want to stay. The stronger and tighter you hold on the further he will pull away. I know because I practically chased my wife out of my home by my behavior. The only thing I have to look forward to these days is the gym and hanging out with friends.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Del's right, Poly. The more you chase.. the more they run. To be honest with you, there's NOTHING you can do that's going to give you guaranteed results. There are TWO people in the relationship, and BOTH get to make their own choices. All you can do is to set up the parameters in which it's easier for your partner to choose you. 180's are confusing. Because EVERY impulse in your body is telling you to be honest and share your feelings. Trouble is... he doesn't WANT to hear about your feelings. If you chase him down and tell him anyway, he runs. But... if you WAIT for him to become curious enough to want to hear from you... then you can tell him how you feel with all the honesty you desire. Look at it this way. He has already broken it off with you. It's done. It's over. When you ACCEPT that the relationship, as it was, has ended... the fear of doing the wrong thing dissipates. The fear itself is paralyzing. You don't know what your next move is because you don't know what will come of it. But if you let it go and you realize that the outcome has already been decided... you have no place to go but UP after that. I agree with you that in the face of the emotions you're feeling, 180's will seem like you're not being strictly honest. BUT... you're not being asked to be dishonest either. What you're being asked to do is to WAIT for him to come to you... and to be interesting enough so that he wants to. In the interim, you need to accept this break-up as FACT. Because when you do, you gift yourself with the ability to reinvent the relationship. It will either begin anew as something better, or it will fade as relationships between EX-partners often do.
umami Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Poly, You and I are going through similar feelings right now. Your posts and other replies have helped. It is so damn hard!!!!! M
Author polywog Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 Hi Del, LJ, unami... Your posts have made me feel much better. I am sorry if it's a bit of misery loves company with you, Del and Unami, but it sure does help my soul to hear from others going through it, and I shall think of you. LJ, your post really reframed the situation for me, so mucho thanks. What you said about it being "over as I know it" (or something like that) puctuated the sentence, so to speak. Now it makes sense, this 180 stuff! This is not to say it will be easy, but your last post (as well as Del's sympathetic one) acknowledging how hard it is and what it really IS has given me a new lease. That is not to say I will not freak out, but maybe I can be less of a baby, and Woman-Up. polywog
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